we got $50 from either our mother or sister

e*a dropped off some groceries we asked for and this cool m&m thing and in it wrapped in paper said “Elizabeth” once on the card and once on the pacakge just twice same hand writing we knew it but we didn’t know whose it wwas. isn’t that nice? we are so lucky. seriously it is nice. and maybe we is just daze-y for no reason disoriented and scared can’t be scared can’t be scared c an’t be scared can’t make things up can’t make it all up you bitch can’t make it all up can’t think about it don’t think about it you won’t want to think about it it will be worse much worse a million times worse don’t think about it

but it was just a nice present.

right?

*oh* the money was from barb (the aunt) says eve.  so *that’s* the hand-writing.  *that’s* the trigger.  i see it every xmas.  it was just wierd it was just my name twice.  i don’t know.  it felt like it called to me somehow.  i am crazy.  i want to die i am so sad and alone.

Protected: we saw m*riad tonight

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we never play this song

close(d)

and i mean never. it is the only song unchecked in our playlist of our songs (yep, we listen to our own music, but remember, it is often not the creator who is listening, so yeah that’s different somehow).

so just back the fuck off.

i can’t even check the fucking link cuz i can’t hear it for a second.  so let me know if it isn’t work and you care (who the fuck said that little passive-aggressive comment?  sometimes i think we are the most passive-aggressive person we know, but we just think we can masque it)

stupid everything is bad and scared i want to die

okay fuck this this is enough of this

our newest song

how to watch

we want to change the ending but it’s in pretty decent shape.

it’s so easy

you make them happy.  then they make you happy.  and you both need each other, so you both need to do it.  so it makes sense.  so it works.  like with mommy.  that is just how it works.

so scareded right now want go sleep want die want stop can’t do this so fake so fake so fake you bithc you bitch you bitch who do you think you are like you know anything you know nothing you know nothing you bitch putting on airs acting like you know things shut the fuck up before no one likes you you bitch i am going to kill you

i guess the wanting versushaving is like the kids who want to be married and so are like always talking to m*riad about how we are married but they don’t actually mean married they mean loving each other and that means like snuggling close and feeling loved but they call it married but m*riad gets that but s*ef didn’t cuz she actually *Wanted* to get married.  so the kids are somewhat frustrated by not being actually married, but actually they enjoy just saying it and being it their way.  i don’t know.  it’s just nice.  it’s nice m*riad gets that it doesn’t mean married like other people think.  that they don’t want what they’re actually asking for.  i don’t know.  i guess we picked someone who didn’t want to get married so we wouldn’t have to worry about them getting free and wreaking legal havoc.

it’s like m*riad gets they want that feeling of being veryvery loved.  and that’s the only way to know how to get to it to say they are married to m*riad so they are in love forever.  but that’s not actually what they want.  they want the love.  they just want the love.

and, sadly, i guess what they really want is safety and security only insiders can provide.  or what they really need.  what bull shit.

what total bull shit.

help help help i’m scared syas osmeone inside.

this is not an entry i want to write

okay. let’s start there. this is not an entry i want to write. i am writing it, but i don’t want to be. someone started basically dictating it in our head and i was like fine i’ll write it out cuz maybe then we’ll get somewhere and they’ll shut up.

okay.  so this is not an entry i want to write.  i am writing it on protest.  my protest has beenc carried, motion to dismiss motion denied okay.  so we don’t want to talk about this.  have we established that yet?  i really want to make sure it is established.

okay, so here we are talking about this thing we don’t want to talk about.  yep.  here we are.  just talkin and talkin about it.  just being so open with everyone aren’t we wonderful?

i think we probably have been a little superior around m*riad.  not because we are, but because we aren’t.  isn’t that always how it works.  and this isn’t even what we don’t want to talk about.  this is what we’d *Rather* talk about than that.  so let’s see admitting we are wrong check ….  hmmmm what else.

we started our period today.  so that is, um, awesome.  and then we got totally triggered and fell asleep.  it was our period.  we started it when we went travelling with grandma.  she said she would and she was right.

and none of this is the stuff we don’t want to talk about.

alright.  so here it is.  i think we have girl sub parts that want very much to be dominated and possibly hurt.  and i think we keep them locked up for the most part and i think we also have other parts selecting people to sleep with who they percieve as not being dangerous in this way at all.  so even if the parts want to they can try all they want and get nowhere.  i think they pick people who don’t want that kind of power dynamic with us like what the guy in labrinth said where the person submits their will to yours.  i think i try not to pick people like that.

and then i thought what if i made a mistake?  and someone i picked had those parts and they could be brought to the surface and we did and then we just got locked into it and addicted to it until it was woven into the fabric of our lives (who the fuck wrote that?)

anyway, i was thinking that those parts would see the relationship as this special thing that they had created and was like theirs.  and like for them it would be this amazing perfect love and i was thinking about how could i ever give that up or see it otherwise?

i guess i was thinking that there was nothing anyone could say to me.  and a

and honestly a fair amount of stuff of this was true of my mom and much more with my mom.

but like those parts couldn’t be convinced not to feel that way.  that just is.  something would have to come that would be bigger than that.  for us, that was e*in who brought out parts that were like related to parts or made space for parts that were scared out of their mind of s*ef.  it was odd, the other parts never went away.  it was just like these other parts came out and they were *Way* louder.

and still s*ef left us.  she decided she couldn’t deal with us basically avoiding her completely and being pretty angry with her and crazy and stuff.  s*ef didn’t have access to those parts enough to draw them out past the upset and scared ones.

once we got scared of s*ef it never stopped.  still hasn’t.  those parts are in absolute fear.  frozen.

but still s*ef left us.  i don’t know if we e*er could have actually left her.

basically we just became so scared of her that we couldn’t be around her at all it drove us insane.

i think in some ways we were scared because we had to be to not just do whatever she wanted to make her happy.  because that’s all we had to do and then she loved us unconditionally and then she loved us so much.  and we *could* do it and it wasn’t that hard at all. and then it was.  wow lots of random shoooting body pains um that is odd.

it was easy and then it was almost impossible now.  the scared parts are out in such full force around her.  again, i think this is the only defense we have.  the thick wall.  we can’t talk to her we can’t email her because we will ffeel like we need to save her we will feel her pain.

i mean i guess s*ef almost begged us to get back together.  or something.  after we broke up she came up to my room and cried and i sat with her and sympathized because i knew i was the bad guy.  but i couldn’t take it away.  when i lost that ability with her i lost it and there was no turning back.  in some ways i think s*ef used everything she could she just didn’t have the right keys.  to get past the scared ones.  the caretakers and such could not be called out with so much fear around.  it was wierd.  whatever.  anyway.

still none of this is really what i was supposed to write about.  though it is tangential.

really what happened was e*in called up or reached or jumpstarted or brought forward or whatever all these parts that couldn’t deal with s*ef i think.  and they like just freaked out when they came out and exploded and it was like shock waves of fear emanating from us.

basically they made it intolerable to be around s*ef at all.  so that was just that.  we can’t stand it and have to avoid.  avoid avoid it is nice to have that as really you’re only defense mechanism.  it is effective.  i’m not talking to s*ef or my mom.  i mean how many people can say that?  i mean of course there are the downsides of just cutting people out of your life all the time and kind of starting over: loss of support, instability, barrier to intimacy, blah blah blah.  but still.

the thing is that while adults got along with s*ef.  i think the people who really loved her were kids.  so they were the only ones who *could* be around her.  but they were also the ones who got really hurt by her (in addition to all the love which by far outwieghed it for them).  it seemed a very small price to pay for them.  i don’t know.  they still think that.

it’s like they went away or soemthing or were kept away from s*ef by the scared parts.  because seriously there are parts who were happy to do things to make her happy but they just weren’t around anymore it was just the angry ones who looked like they weren’t.  i don’t know who knows i don’t remember?

and still none of this is what i didn’t want to write about.  shocker.

i guess in some ways what happened is the walls came down and the people who were angry at s*ef and scared of her came out and they .  and really we could only do it because we had this unhealthy obsession and relationship with e*in to take it’s place in a lot of ways.  if we hadn’t, i’m sure we’d still be with s*ef.

i don’t know.  still off-topic.  at least somewhat.

i was really lucky.  s*ef had a lot of resources socially and stuff.  though emotionally i still think not.  and i think the social stuff masks it and that scares because i don’t know if she’ll ever deal with it.  i don’t know how anyone grows without crisis.  we certainly don’t.  all major change in our life has come kicking and screaming because we didn’t have a fucking choice in the fucking matter.

when i am around s*ef i sense an equal or like not clearly unequal amount of pain to a*ron.  who i use as a basis for comparison because i don’t know if i have met anyone with the exception of my mother who i sense such psychic pain from.  s*ef has a lot of resources, at least she has the ability to *think* she is happy (how condescending is that, you bitch).  she has enough to distract is what i am really saying.  it is funny.  that’s better, right?  to have the resources to distract?

because sometimes i am so thankful that we don’t anymore, at least not to the level we did.  because we just, we use them. we use whatever we can, less so now but still even now

we’re supposed to want to be happier?  to be in the least amount of pain right?  we’re supposed to want that for other people?  for them to escape their pain as much as possible?  for us to help?  that is our job yes?  i mean isn’t it?  right?

it is cruel to want someone to experience their pain, or stop distracting from it.  it is cruel and selfish.  because i would never want that for myself.  so it must be cruel and selfish.  who looks at their pain unless they absolutely fucking have to?  not me.

i guess that kind of means it’s cruel to expect my other parts to just come out and experience their pain so i can be over it and healed.  i guess it’s hard to ask people to go through that.  especially if i’m not ready to provide them support.

sometimes when i am with m*riad i think i get very close to myself and sometimes i think i get very far and i wonder why those happen.  i don’t know.  i don’t want to be awake at 4:53am or whatever the fuck it is who the fuck cares not me.

and still none of this is really directly actually revealingly what i want to talk about.

what i wanted to talk about was that we actually have a lot of rape fantasies.  that just is what it is.  it’s true and it is how we get off when we are by ourselves for the most part and we write our own internal movies/stories using whatever we’ve picked up that we like.

we are never the victim.

okay, that is not true.  but those people are not fucking talking right now becuase the fact that we are even admitting that is a huge liability.

we are actually not the abuser for the most part.  but we would rather admit to that than .  and really you have to identify with one more than the other right?  and so if we have to choose we pick the abuser.  tho it’s touch for parts that say this makes us look bad but likewhatever.  it’s always a choice.  be bad or weak. bad or weak.  bad or weak.  pick one.

we actually just kind of make up little movies that are kind of they have some like written description sometime.  it’s not fully a movie or a story.  anyway, that is mostly how we get off.

and i*igo said something cool about how hearing about something can be hotter than actually doing it.  like the *idea* can be hotter than the thing itself.

i’m not sure why that made us happy but it did.

it was like we hadn’t considered that there might be a difference between thought an action.  or like that thought could actually be more satisfying than action in certain ways

and i wonder a little if like part of being an abuser is that the action is more satisfying than the thought.  simulation is much worse than reality.  i don’t know.  i’ve been thinking alot about what makes an abuser.  or like what characteristics there might be to those parts or to people where those parts manifest fully (or close to) outside.  which i guess goes along with that action versus thought.

i guess i just always thought that thought was like a prelude or like an incomplete without action.  which is CRAZY because i have spent forever lecturing people on how different thought and action are.

especially because a part of the thought is wishing it COULD be action.  so obviously action would be better right?

and it occured to me what if it *seemed* like action would be better but that was part of the thought, and part of what made it satisfying was wanting *more* of something without actually having it because having it would actually make you feel awful.  but a component of this is *feeling* like you want it to actually happen.  isn’t that wierd?  i think it’s wird.  i think you’re wierd.  well i think YOU’RE wierd.

i guess like we know with those unspeakables we know that thought is better than action.  that is less true in other areas though.  and we just really don’t let them out unless it is perfectly safe or whatever.  wouldn’t it be wierd if you thought it was safe and then you built this whole world and then you realized too late you were trapped in it?  how could you know while it was happening?

i just thought it was a cool idea that the thought of something could be hotter than the thing itself.  even though i know i know that.  and have applied that.  somehow i hadn’t applied it here or something.  like i wasn’t taught it applied here.  like i thought the only way a thought would be hot is if it were based on basically the same action.  if it were kind of an echo, whose worth comes only from it’s reminder of the event.  isn’t that wierd?  i think it’s wierd.  i don’t know.  i don’t fucking know anything.

aren’t you always supposed to want your desires to be fulfilled?  isn’t that what happiness is?  it’s odd to me to imagine it actually being pleasurable *not* to do that.  even though i think that is very much how i set up my life.  i tend to pick people who are at least somewhat out of the question i always want things i can’t have.  why didn’t i see it here?  why can’t i see it here?

it just seems like the happiest thing in the world is giving someone exactly what they want.  right?  though i guess that very often doesn’t go well for us.  but still isn’t that what you’re supposed to try to do if you’re good?  how can wanting be good?  how can it not be worse and horrible.

i guess there is the idea that what people want can actually hurt them.  and while that doesn’t give you the right to get in their way, it also means that denying them isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  it might be a neutral thing.  which doesn’t make sense cuz that’s not how they see it and what they see it matters.

the idea of denying people what they want as a neutral thing is CRAZY to me.  but like, i guess that’s what that would mean.  if what people want isn’t necessarily and often is not better for them, than isn’t it not necessarily and often not a positive thing to do it?  not that it’s a negative.  but what if it isn’t either?  isn’t that crazy?  that is crazy. that’s definitely crazy.

it is always wrong to deny people what they want and need.  it is always bad and selfish and it is youor responsability to give it.

but what if it isn’t?  what if it isn’t bad.  or good.  or anything.  it just is.  it’s neutral and you could argue it 7 ways til sunday (who keeps writing that?) and prove it’s anything but really it’s nothing it just is.

and if that were true than really it would just matter what was best for me or okay for me or like i could consider it.

if it really were neutral.  which it isn’t.  because that is crazy.  because they don’t see it as neutral.  and people are in SO MUCH PAIN when you deny them what they need.  you can’t do that.  that is cruel.

bitch bitch bitch you make up these lies to let yourself tell lies to yourself about how you are not selfish and wrong and bitchy and horrible but you are you are and you know it and you know who you owe and what you owe them and you will never escape you will never escape

labrinth is one of the best movies about healing i’ve seen.  i love the faces that are just like “beware!” “go back!” “you are in grave danger!” and the guy is just like, don’t mind them, they have to say that.  and hten they aren’t so scary.  they just have to say that.  i don’t know.  somehting about what the goblin king says.  submit and i’ll give you everything.  and everything is so glittery and cool and sexy and she isn’t.  how could she give that up?

unhappiness is such a small price.  such a small price.  such a small price.  to get away from the loneliness.

but it is all distraction.  even the unhappiness is part of it.  it is all a distraction it is all a crystal ball and smoke and mirrors that look so much better than the real thing.

but it is such a small price, isn’t it?  it seems small to me.

what we’re singing

life preserves or how to watch

someone inside says “i cried hysterically”

like they are narrating. who knows. i know we are triggered. i know we are bad. i know we are a bad girl. i know i want to die and am a bad girl. iknow i want to die because i’m a bad girl. i know these things i know them and it hurts like a heartattack can’t sleep it is 3am and wes not even close wes is having a tough time wes is wantin to die wantin to die wantin to die wanting to die we do we do we are we are we are we are we are we are we are we are
i want to die i am a bad girl i am a baf girl i am a bad girl i am a bad girl i know it it hurts like a heart attack i am a bad girl i am a bad girl i am a bad girl i am a bad girl i am a bad girl

i was thinking about my mom. and how after i cut off contact she did things i would NEVER have imagined. like turning up at my door and sitting in the hallway for 2 hours. like breaking into my email. i mean, privacy was like one of her foremost priorities. it was crazy.

and i think it’s because she was (and is) desperate. when we got out of her reach she had to use everything she could to bring us back. i think she cued us 7 ways to sunday. i think she is and has used every trick she has to get us back. that is what i think.

i think when i was in her control in general, she didn’t have to exert nearly as much control or do anything that extreme. but in order to have a CHANCE of keeping me when i stopped communicating with her she was willing to do anything i think. i think she still is. and she has to use much stronger mechanisms. much … crueler. more calculating. she is different than i have known her or parts i didn’t know that well have come out more.
i see now how long we have enabled her, we were her coping mechanism. for years and years and years and i think it helped her function. i wonder sometimes if her body problems are related to this. the timing is interesting. i certainly know they caused a lot of change for us. but i digress.

i think i do not know how to remember these other sides when i am with her nicer ones who don’t even know about the others necessarily and certainly don’t feel the same way.

i don’t know how to maintain my mindset when i speak to her, when i read her words in an email, a txt. she is inside my mind and i am lockstep with her in an instant and i don’t even know it happened.

i have no way of protecting myself from her besides non-contact. and so complete that i can’t even see her emails. because i cant… i can’t protect myself and i am *so* easily *so* easily triggered to her mindset. it is, it is as natural as breathing, more natural than anyone else.

what did mom do when both of us were gone for that one year?

i am her little wonder girl. and there is so much safety in that. she will always love me. no matter what. no matter what i do or what happens, i know she will always love me and always think i am good and amazing.
altho that isn’t true, i have to be her wonder girl to do that. but i can pretty easily, so it doesn’t seem hard (that’s what he said). and it makes her so happy. i don’t know, we just want to be good.

i guess what we finally kind of realized with mom or are realizing or are putting into words is that her hold is so effective, so complete, so imperceptable to us, that we have absolutely no way to defend ourselves. no matter how hard we try. we just … we just can’t. at least not right now. i hope some day to be in a place where i can. but for now…

i guess what i’m realizing is that what makes my mom MOST dangerous is that i am unable to really see how dangerous she is. even though i catch glimpses they dissappear and are never as real as her love feels. and that when i am in communication with her i can’t even see the ways she is drawing me in, converting me, programming me and changing me. i can’t see them at all.

and since i can’t see them, i can’t make it.

it’s like i realized that i don’t have the ability to percieve what she is doing to me.  and so i really can’t be in contact with her because really i have no way of knowing what’s going on.  so i *think* i’m fine and everything is entirely safe, but it isn’t.  it’s a lack of safety without feeling a lack of safety.  or maybe feeling a little of it and not knowing why.  but often if i’m good enough not feeling it at all.

she is still my mom.  and it is still my job to save her.  and she is still a part of me more than anyone else is.  she is tucked away in a locked box because even hints of her cause explosions.  she is nowhere so she is everywhere (someone inside said it should be the other way around).

it’s like quatum phyrics.  like okay the explanation might take you to the conclusion, but it doesn’t *feel* right the way like newton’s laws of motion do.  it doesn’t wuite jibe with my reality.  so it’s hard to accept and remember and understand.

i don’t know.  i think i am learning a lot about my mom right now.  it’s kind of cool.  i’m seeing a lot of light shed on her.

but it still doesn’t *feel* right.  but it does work to increase our general feeling of safety.  mom is more removed from her effects.  it is harder to trace them back.  i think that contributes.

it’s just, what do you do when it doesn’t *feel* right?  it’s a hard state to stay in (someone inside said “that’s what she said” and honestly i have no idea what that means).

it’s just impossible to think of my mom as dangerous because she’s not, she doesn’t see herself that way, and she is so defenseless and weak and needs help.  so how can i possibly put my defenses up.  i guess that’s part of why i can’t see the danger.

my mom is good at making me remember only one reality.  and there are so many and many don’t make her look so good.

my mom doesn’t want to face her stuff.  but god i was the perfect daughter for so long and it got her nowhere.  i have to believe this isn’t just for me.  i have to.

she is my mom.  and she is part of me.  and that is more real than anything.

and yet i continue to not see her.

thank god for the only true defense mechanism i have: disappearing from people’s lives completely and blocking them out of my mind.

i will say, though, that slowly slowly it got less painful not to see her.  so slowly i didn’t even think about it until now when i realized it isn’t that bad at least not at this moment.

i don’t know, there is nothing like being a good little girl for mommy.  it sucks to give it up.  it just fucking sucks.  and it doesn’t make it any fucking easier that it’s healthy and crap.

besides, it’s mommy and me against the world.  i can’t trust anyone else.  anyone else can and will turn on me.  but she never will no matter what because she loves me and needs me and i’m her little wonder girl i am such a good girl.  how can you give up the place where you are a good girl?

there is a tinge that unhealthiness gives things that like, i don’t know what to do without.  to me that is where the satisfaction lives.  i don’t know.  sometimes i wonder if this healing thing is a total fucking waste and we should give up like mommy says.  mommy says we is not so sick just need work on it for real stop thinkin bout abuse and stuff so we can be good girl. mommy says mommy says mommy says she lvoes us.

*snaps* and that is how quickly we are hers again. and she isn’t even talking to us.

i would just like to say, for the record,

that clearly i am treating m*riad like my mother whom i need to save or they’ll leave me. i just want to say that at least some of us are aware of that and trying to keep it in mind. i know it affects us and i know it makes us too reliant on their “well-being” or whatever and that is too much pressure. so we need to try to back off that. but at the same time we want to offer support. i don’t know, we have trouble with moderation and sometimes i think we get lost and are just the little girl trying to save mommy so she won’t leave her. so yeah. plus there is something wierd with the sensitivity in my right finger tips and really as if you traced a line around it to make a hand print, there is wierd feelings almost like being cut or like something being laid open. i don’t know. i am insane and bad and insane.
and i am really going to try to make that what i talk about with kathy on monday. also why am i not sleepy. wierd stuff is happening like witches and cauldrens and it is almost xmas time it is almost xmas time it is almost xmas time and the witch laughs. xmas 2004

plus

we got all triggerred last nigth cuz m*riad basically told us that they were doing *us* a favor by letting us go with them to therapy and plus they already told us it’s like we’re not there cuz we don’t talk enough.  it is so embarassing cuz i thought we were really helping and trying to provide a really supportive presence and stuff and it’s really embarassing to find out we were really a burden.  it is horribly embarassing.

anyway we got triggered but for some reason thought we shouldn’t leave like that would be too upsetting and so (this is bad i think, like bad etiquette) we kind of hit this spot on our forarm by our wrist a whole bunch because that was one of the few places we could do some actual damage at least cosmetically cuz isn’t that half the fun?) anyway now it totally fucking hurts and we can’t even see it and it makes our left wrist feel like it has carpal tunnel or like a witch is holding it real tight in her claws.

anyway, tho, this extreme of a reaction obviously means this was a big big trigger.  and something extra wierd was going on.  and i think we are still trying to be the good girl.  it’s like we think if we’re supportive and like there for m*riad enough they’ll love us and it doesn’t work that way.  i think before we were trying to be the good girl by not listening to other’s discomfort around a*ron and now we’re trying to be the good girl by saving them from a*ron and that’s not our place to do.  and it wouldn’t make them love us anyway.  and i think i have set this up in my mind where it’s like if i’m good enough they’ll finally love us.  like we’ll be able to save them or whatever.  which is bullshit because who are we to save anyone anyway?

but i think it’s mom stuff.  we thought if we were good enough we could stop her hurting and then she’d love us and it just, it never happened.  we never did enough to make her stop hurting, she just needed more and more until we were drowning and drowned and died.  maybe that’s what killed elizabeth.

so i think we freaked out because it was like that typified everything for us.  like we were trying so hard and thought we were doing such a good job and making things better and then. and then it just collapsed and it turns out at best we just make it worse.  that we will never make it better and that means they will never love us.  we want to be that perfect person who loves when they need to and doesn’t feel when that’s better and says all the right things and we think this time this time we’ll get it and get it right and finally finally she’ll love us.  but it doesn’t work that way.  that ship has sailed.  she will never love us that way.

you will never love me

and why should i even care?

it’s not that your so special

you’re just the cross i bear!

it’s so silly to write the words because alone they are nothing but the way she sings them they are everything so they are only there for evocation not simply communication.  we imagine jill sobule is really singing this to a parent.  we imagine that most upset songs are actually sung to a parent underneath it all, that there is trauma underneath it all and that it is the source of creativity and subversion and counter-culture and that’s why maybe it is tolerable that no matter what we can’t get rid of it.  it’s the ridiculous horrible trade-off.

anyway we are trying to watch ourselves.  i think our continual view of a*ron as helpless and defenseless and hurting and in need of help makes us blind to his dangerous parts.

it is not so impressive to accept one or the other reality, the trick is to see BOTH as true and make THAT work like in the dispossesed (tips hat to m*riad)

that is very much what happens with our mom and i do think that email evoked a lot of that in us and i think that may be the most effective way to get us.  to show an honest struggle with your own personal demons and ask for help.  we will give it any time.  we can’t see anything else when it’s there.  that’s how our mom gets us.  still.  those roads are fresh and clean and we don’t even know when we’re on them.

i don’t know.  i feel like maybe i’m getting closer to things.  maybe.  step.  step a bit to the side and try another route.  step around. step step step.  baby steps to the elevator, baby steps to the door, baby steps past the mother begging for help and baby steps to another without missing a step. baby steps baby steps baby steps.