i would just like to say, for the record,

that clearly i am treating m*riad like my mother whom i need to save or they’ll leave me. i just want to say that at least some of us are aware of that and trying to keep it in mind. i know it affects us and i know it makes us too reliant on their “well-being” or whatever and that is too much pressure. so we need to try to back off that. but at the same time we want to offer support. i don’t know, we have trouble with moderation and sometimes i think we get lost and are just the little girl trying to save mommy so she won’t leave her. so yeah. plus there is something wierd with the sensitivity in my right finger tips and really as if you traced a line around it to make a hand print, there is wierd feelings almost like being cut or like something being laid open. i don’t know. i am insane and bad and insane.
and i am really going to try to make that what i talk about with kathy on monday. also why am i not sleepy. wierd stuff is happening like witches and cauldrens and it is almost xmas time it is almost xmas time it is almost xmas time and the witch laughs. xmas 2004

plus

we got all triggerred last nigth cuz m*riad basically told us that they were doing *us* a favor by letting us go with them to therapy and plus they already told us it’s like we’re not there cuz we don’t talk enough.  it is so embarassing cuz i thought we were really helping and trying to provide a really supportive presence and stuff and it’s really embarassing to find out we were really a burden.  it is horribly embarassing.

anyway we got triggered but for some reason thought we shouldn’t leave like that would be too upsetting and so (this is bad i think, like bad etiquette) we kind of hit this spot on our forarm by our wrist a whole bunch because that was one of the few places we could do some actual damage at least cosmetically cuz isn’t that half the fun?) anyway now it totally fucking hurts and we can’t even see it and it makes our left wrist feel like it has carpal tunnel or like a witch is holding it real tight in her claws.

anyway, tho, this extreme of a reaction obviously means this was a big big trigger.  and something extra wierd was going on.  and i think we are still trying to be the good girl.  it’s like we think if we’re supportive and like there for m*riad enough they’ll love us and it doesn’t work that way.  i think before we were trying to be the good girl by not listening to other’s discomfort around a*ron and now we’re trying to be the good girl by saving them from a*ron and that’s not our place to do.  and it wouldn’t make them love us anyway.  and i think i have set this up in my mind where it’s like if i’m good enough they’ll finally love us.  like we’ll be able to save them or whatever.  which is bullshit because who are we to save anyone anyway?

but i think it’s mom stuff.  we thought if we were good enough we could stop her hurting and then she’d love us and it just, it never happened.  we never did enough to make her stop hurting, she just needed more and more until we were drowning and drowned and died.  maybe that’s what killed elizabeth.

so i think we freaked out because it was like that typified everything for us.  like we were trying so hard and thought we were doing such a good job and making things better and then. and then it just collapsed and it turns out at best we just make it worse.  that we will never make it better and that means they will never love us.  we want to be that perfect person who loves when they need to and doesn’t feel when that’s better and says all the right things and we think this time this time we’ll get it and get it right and finally finally she’ll love us.  but it doesn’t work that way.  that ship has sailed.  she will never love us that way.

you will never love me

and why should i even care?

it’s not that your so special

you’re just the cross i bear!

it’s so silly to write the words because alone they are nothing but the way she sings them they are everything so they are only there for evocation not simply communication.  we imagine jill sobule is really singing this to a parent.  we imagine that most upset songs are actually sung to a parent underneath it all, that there is trauma underneath it all and that it is the source of creativity and subversion and counter-culture and that’s why maybe it is tolerable that no matter what we can’t get rid of it.  it’s the ridiculous horrible trade-off.

anyway we are trying to watch ourselves.  i think our continual view of a*ron as helpless and defenseless and hurting and in need of help makes us blind to his dangerous parts.

it is not so impressive to accept one or the other reality, the trick is to see BOTH as true and make THAT work like in the dispossesed (tips hat to m*riad)

that is very much what happens with our mom and i do think that email evoked a lot of that in us and i think that may be the most effective way to get us.  to show an honest struggle with your own personal demons and ask for help.  we will give it any time.  we can’t see anything else when it’s there.  that’s how our mom gets us.  still.  those roads are fresh and clean and we don’t even know when we’re on them.

i don’t know.  i feel like maybe i’m getting closer to things.  maybe.  step.  step a bit to the side and try another route.  step around. step step step.  baby steps to the elevator, baby steps to the door, baby steps past the mother begging for help and baby steps to another without missing a step. baby steps baby steps baby steps.

who am i kidding?

if m*riad is running away, then i picked them because they would be running away.  and would probably freak out if they weren’t.  i mean, let’s be honest, that would be pretty part for the course (who the fuck wrote part instead of par?).  anyway, we aid our cable bill today so we won’t have it turned off at random, we showered last night for the first time in what i can only imagine was more than 2 weeks.  that felt nice.  we are thinking hapy things from what i*digo cuz kathy liked the rocks we picked out and the geode so they’d always have a cave and that made us happy cuz we really DID mean it like that and it’s nice when it can mean something to others too.  whatever.

but if m*riad is pushing us away, then i’m sure we chose that for that specific reason.  so we’d have something to fix, to focus on.  so we are always chasing.  god, who knows how much we create it?  so we won’t ever feel suffocated, because when it switches (catches breath), it’s just done and you’re never the same in our eyes again.  and we *really* don’t want that to happen.  so maybe this is our way of dealing with that.  maybe this would be a good time to explore those issues.

i mean, why would we want that?  so that the person never gets too close, so that they become a part of us and then they own us and they are EVERYWHERE and we want to die.  yes, definitely rejection is better than that.  e*in dumped us but that was still easier than the stuff with s*ef.  we are always running, towards or away.  what a waste.

we got to hear some of m*riads angry parts and they said some really interesting and cool stuff that really helped us understand things better.  it made us really happy.  we really do like them.  it’s funny, they treat their angry parts like we treat our weak/vulnerable/pathetic/needy parts.  they hide behind the angry ones.  it’s so odd.  i think it makes for trouble but i actually think we learn alot when we can actually step back from the triggers.  god i am so glad we don’t live together.  it’s so important to be able to step back and get perspective.  that’s what happened with s*ef.  she was always there.  even when she wasn’t.  we were so intertwined i didn’t have my own thoughts separate from her.  so i missed all the problems.  i missed that we were having a fair amount of non-consensual sex that made us really angry and resentful and scared.  that we were always tiptoing.  god i’m so glad i can get perspective.  i’m trying to step back, to look at myself.  i think we have a tendancy to focus on other people and their problem’s instead of our own.  something i imagine i share with many type-a-high-functioning multiples.  the shit has to go somewhere.  if you don’t claim it it’ll just go on whoever is nearby.  that’s how we do it and have done it.

i don’t know.  we’re just trying to open ourselves and listen.  somehow i imagine m*riad laughing at that, like thinking we are stupid.  what is that?  what is getting triggered that i think that?  that i see them as so functional that they wouldn’t even respect my getting in touch with my emotions?  that i see them as that far from theirs?  or just that i think they hold me and my processing in that much contempt, i guess.  or that it makes them angry.  i don’t know.  cuz it’s too close to things.  that’s probably mom stuff triggered.  she certainly doesn’t want me exploring stuff.

i got an email from a*ron that was, that was very similar to my own style (i realized later with help).  it was incredibly touching and after reading it and honestly since i have felt like i am crazy to think he’d do anything.  that i am still allowed to protect myself to *feel* safe and on others advice, but that it isn’t true at all.  which is just, i don’t know, interesting i guess.  i just realized that since i’ve read it i really haven’t been able to beleive it’s actually possible that he’d try to trance us or just try to get younger parts to sleep with him.  though some parts say it and show us other things but it is different like the writing.

but i was thinking about my mom’s emails.  and how she has adapted her style to just say she loves me and supports what i’m doing.  and how convinced i am by that.  and how such small and subtle comments and phrasses can lead me without even knowing it to her way of thinking.  and i have to say, if a*ron is doing that, then seriously my hat is off to him.  we are really impressed.  particularly our dark parts.  (smiles).  it’s sophisticated stuff.  just, not many people can really fool us even when we’re looking who aren’t in our family.  wow.  it’s.  wow (smiles like pam in the office episode where she’s impressed by jim).  seriously it would make him a lot cooler and more impressive in our minds.  a lot.

there are channels in that i am only beginning to see.  i think my mom swam them or helped create them and i think we can’t even see them when we are looking right at them.  even knowing that after reading it i basically believed there was no way he’d ever do anything and that he was just a hurt boy who felt alone and was doing his best.  and i guess the thing is that IS true, but there are a lot of parts of him.  it IS true, but possibly only for that part.

he can just, he can play (smiles) it like a piano.  he can access other parts of himself when it’s convenient.  he is almost undetectable.  he is adaptable.  he is amazingly skilled.  he is impressive.

woah.  what is going on?  we feel wierd?  like our face is numb or something in a cloud?  what is going on?

i guess we just keep writing and writing.

i think our greatest weakness may be our basic belief that we are fairly impervious to mind control and are instead actually a threat.  and that we are if anything fascinated by the idea of someone succeesffully doing it on us.  and i just wonder.  i wonder if that works right into their hands.  some things can be so subtle that look like just another cobblestone on the street and you don’t think anything when you trip.

some of us think it is hilarious that anyone thinks we would judge a*ron

(laughs)  why?  cuz his “bad” parts have been detected and done “tangibly wrong” things?  that’s fucking luck, people.  that is fucking. luck.

what?  does m*riad think we make these ideas out of thin air?  that we just *guess* at how he might be thinking as a sweet little innocent victim?

we know because we have those parts too.  we do.  and whether we are ever discovered to be doing or have done anything “bad” is just luck of the draw my friend.  it is just luck of the draw.

like we would judge them.  some of us *envy* them because they get to actually go out and *do* the stuff they want.  so there you go.  (laughs) like we could judge a*ron.

we can only imagine what he might be capable of by imagining what we might be under similar circumstances.   it is not judgment.  god, it is nothing like judgment.  or hate.  it is the sad understanding of someone who really doesn’t want to know anyway.

like we don’t know what it’s like to just *need* something that you cannot really accept that you need.  how reality twists how you get so used to reality twisting that it never looks straight anyway.  to have your life based around never knowing. but doing.  it is different than a denier, though we’ve been that too.  that is knowing and enabling at most.  but knowing and doing.  you have to know it or you don’t.  you either get it or you don’t.

it is funny what parts live in internal worlds and which ones get made external.  like we don’t understand addiction to abuse, to *abusing*, as the only way to make the pain stop.  like we don’t get how that is the only time things are okay and everything else is just screaming pain until you can again.  like we don’t get that.

how could we judge a*ron?  we are just so thankful that we have been luckier than him.  that our breakdown happened the way it did.  god we are so thankful.  it could so easily be us.  don’t you see that?  we all have abusers and it is a matter of them slipping out or not and once they are out all the rules change because then it is just maintenance.  make sure they don’t think too much, don’t see quite what’s goin on.  it’s desperate.  and you can’t know it’s happening.  not for too long at least.

i get closer and closer to these dreams but the steps are so small its infuriating

and if they get out and you get caught you’re bad, and otherwise you’re not.  it sucks.  it sucks for people who’d rather be bad than weak.  bad than pathetic.  abuser than victim because you have to be one that’s just how it is.  and it is addictive.  on both sides.  we have been thinking alot about the differences in the draw, in the relationship to the abuse as abuser and victim.  some of us think we don’t have enough victim experience as adults to know.

we are always one with the abusers.  in the stories, when people talk, we work hard not to show it but that is who we identify with, or at least feel a strong connection.  they are us.  (laughs) there is nothing to judge from here, my friend.

i think it’s a risk a*ron might try to trance me because i think our parts might try something similar in his situation.  once you’re out you’re out.  you are already bad, the dice has been rolled, it’s over.

i think when we hear about abusers we feel this fear of someone who hasn’t been caught yet and is relieved it wasn’t them and scared people are getting closer.

i just, why is it so different when those parts do it outside rather than inside?  i mean not for the victim, externally there is effect on the victim.  but in terms of “badness”, isn’t it just luck?  is there a difference?  our worlds are so mixed anyway how could it even mean anything?

i think abusers have to work hard on maintaining the victim’s mindset, at least that’s how it is for us.  there is a constant worry that they will think too much, figure it out.  you are against thinking, exploring.  detection detection above all else.  because detection means you don’t control the reality anymore, it is subject to other standards.  and i think for  us abuse is all about controling someone else’s reality.  so there is such a need to maintain it maintain it maintain it and you’re biggest fear is they will slip out and you will lose them.  there are so many ways, you have to work hard to maintain the structure, fix leaks plug holes patch drywall anything that needs to be done.

help i’m scared says someone inside

bad or weak.  bad or weak.  we choose bad if we absolutely have to.  i think that’s why we just try to take ourselves out of that equation.

it’s not like we don’t admire a*ron for possibly getting stuff past us.  (smiles), our dark parts want to learn from him.  or at least they are suitably impressed.

like we could hate him for that.  all our hate for it is reserved for ourselves.

i wonder how many people know

what it’s like to be so persuasive that you are never sure whether you are controling people or not until they tell you later.  it’s something we worry about and try to control (ha ha).  it’s just, it’s just breathing.  it’s what we do it’s how we think, in how to convince people, how to sync along with their thoughts and lead them to ours without them necessarily even knowing if necessary.  i wonder if they taught us that.  i don’t think my dad did, but maybe he is very persuasive just irrational.

but it’s like i just see how people are thinking, how they are building their beliefs, what needs to be targeted, what needs to be turned around, how they need to feel about things, how sure they are and how easily led.  without even looking like you’re trying at all, like you’re just asking questions.

it’s like we just know how to get in people’s minds and change their thoughts without them even knowing.  i really believe this.  and i think often we don’t know, or at least most of us.  i mean we know we can do it but we don’t always know we’re doing it.  we just think we’re talking and expressing opinions.  we just build our opinions to look like their thoughts, to look the most persuasive.  but i think particularly on emotional and personal stuff, the stuff you aren’t supposed to be able to argue.  and it scared me that we can do that.  i really don’t want to be bad and i try so hard not to but i worry i always worry.  it is so easy to be bad and not even know.  i can’t help if silver threads trace from my fingers.

but then later people tell you you were mind controling them and you really didn’t mean to.

you had no idea.

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wow

i am so scared.  she must really not love me.  they must really not love me.  i must be a very bad girl.  not ever supposed to say it!  shouldnta said nothin!  now theys scareda you.  shoulda kept your mouth shut been a good little girl shoulda kept your damn mouth shut cuz they hate you now.  shouldnta said anything, that’s what they wanted you for.  shouldnta said nothin now they’ll never love you

back hurtin so much again.

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