this is not an entry i want to write

okay. let’s start there. this is not an entry i want to write. i am writing it, but i don’t want to be. someone started basically dictating it in our head and i was like fine i’ll write it out cuz maybe then we’ll get somewhere and they’ll shut up.

okay.  so this is not an entry i want to write.  i am writing it on protest.  my protest has beenc carried, motion to dismiss motion denied okay.  so we don’t want to talk about this.  have we established that yet?  i really want to make sure it is established.

okay, so here we are talking about this thing we don’t want to talk about.  yep.  here we are.  just talkin and talkin about it.  just being so open with everyone aren’t we wonderful?

i think we probably have been a little superior around m*riad.  not because we are, but because we aren’t.  isn’t that always how it works.  and this isn’t even what we don’t want to talk about.  this is what we’d *Rather* talk about than that.  so let’s see admitting we are wrong check ….  hmmmm what else.

we started our period today.  so that is, um, awesome.  and then we got totally triggered and fell asleep.  it was our period.  we started it when we went travelling with grandma.  she said she would and she was right.

and none of this is the stuff we don’t want to talk about.

alright.  so here it is.  i think we have girl sub parts that want very much to be dominated and possibly hurt.  and i think we keep them locked up for the most part and i think we also have other parts selecting people to sleep with who they percieve as not being dangerous in this way at all.  so even if the parts want to they can try all they want and get nowhere.  i think they pick people who don’t want that kind of power dynamic with us like what the guy in labrinth said where the person submits their will to yours.  i think i try not to pick people like that.

and then i thought what if i made a mistake?  and someone i picked had those parts and they could be brought to the surface and we did and then we just got locked into it and addicted to it until it was woven into the fabric of our lives (who the fuck wrote that?)

anyway, i was thinking that those parts would see the relationship as this special thing that they had created and was like theirs.  and like for them it would be this amazing perfect love and i was thinking about how could i ever give that up or see it otherwise?

i guess i was thinking that there was nothing anyone could say to me.  and a

and honestly a fair amount of stuff of this was true of my mom and much more with my mom.

but like those parts couldn’t be convinced not to feel that way.  that just is.  something would have to come that would be bigger than that.  for us, that was e*in who brought out parts that were like related to parts or made space for parts that were scared out of their mind of s*ef.  it was odd, the other parts never went away.  it was just like these other parts came out and they were *Way* louder.

and still s*ef left us.  she decided she couldn’t deal with us basically avoiding her completely and being pretty angry with her and crazy and stuff.  s*ef didn’t have access to those parts enough to draw them out past the upset and scared ones.

once we got scared of s*ef it never stopped.  still hasn’t.  those parts are in absolute fear.  frozen.

but still s*ef left us.  i don’t know if we e*er could have actually left her.

basically we just became so scared of her that we couldn’t be around her at all it drove us insane.

i think in some ways we were scared because we had to be to not just do whatever she wanted to make her happy.  because that’s all we had to do and then she loved us unconditionally and then she loved us so much.  and we *could* do it and it wasn’t that hard at all. and then it was.  wow lots of random shoooting body pains um that is odd.

it was easy and then it was almost impossible now.  the scared parts are out in such full force around her.  again, i think this is the only defense we have.  the thick wall.  we can’t talk to her we can’t email her because we will ffeel like we need to save her we will feel her pain.

i mean i guess s*ef almost begged us to get back together.  or something.  after we broke up she came up to my room and cried and i sat with her and sympathized because i knew i was the bad guy.  but i couldn’t take it away.  when i lost that ability with her i lost it and there was no turning back.  in some ways i think s*ef used everything she could she just didn’t have the right keys.  to get past the scared ones.  the caretakers and such could not be called out with so much fear around.  it was wierd.  whatever.  anyway.

still none of this is really what i was supposed to write about.  though it is tangential.

really what happened was e*in called up or reached or jumpstarted or brought forward or whatever all these parts that couldn’t deal with s*ef i think.  and they like just freaked out when they came out and exploded and it was like shock waves of fear emanating from us.

basically they made it intolerable to be around s*ef at all.  so that was just that.  we can’t stand it and have to avoid.  avoid avoid it is nice to have that as really you’re only defense mechanism.  it is effective.  i’m not talking to s*ef or my mom.  i mean how many people can say that?  i mean of course there are the downsides of just cutting people out of your life all the time and kind of starting over: loss of support, instability, barrier to intimacy, blah blah blah.  but still.

the thing is that while adults got along with s*ef.  i think the people who really loved her were kids.  so they were the only ones who *could* be around her.  but they were also the ones who got really hurt by her (in addition to all the love which by far outwieghed it for them).  it seemed a very small price to pay for them.  i don’t know.  they still think that.

it’s like they went away or soemthing or were kept away from s*ef by the scared parts.  because seriously there are parts who were happy to do things to make her happy but they just weren’t around anymore it was just the angry ones who looked like they weren’t.  i don’t know who knows i don’t remember?

and still none of this is what i didn’t want to write about.  shocker.

i guess in some ways what happened is the walls came down and the people who were angry at s*ef and scared of her came out and they .  and really we could only do it because we had this unhealthy obsession and relationship with e*in to take it’s place in a lot of ways.  if we hadn’t, i’m sure we’d still be with s*ef.

i don’t know.  still off-topic.  at least somewhat.

i was really lucky.  s*ef had a lot of resources socially and stuff.  though emotionally i still think not.  and i think the social stuff masks it and that scares because i don’t know if she’ll ever deal with it.  i don’t know how anyone grows without crisis.  we certainly don’t.  all major change in our life has come kicking and screaming because we didn’t have a fucking choice in the fucking matter.

when i am around s*ef i sense an equal or like not clearly unequal amount of pain to a*ron.  who i use as a basis for comparison because i don’t know if i have met anyone with the exception of my mother who i sense such psychic pain from.  s*ef has a lot of resources, at least she has the ability to *think* she is happy (how condescending is that, you bitch).  she has enough to distract is what i am really saying.  it is funny.  that’s better, right?  to have the resources to distract?

because sometimes i am so thankful that we don’t anymore, at least not to the level we did.  because we just, we use them. we use whatever we can, less so now but still even now

we’re supposed to want to be happier?  to be in the least amount of pain right?  we’re supposed to want that for other people?  for them to escape their pain as much as possible?  for us to help?  that is our job yes?  i mean isn’t it?  right?

it is cruel to want someone to experience their pain, or stop distracting from it.  it is cruel and selfish.  because i would never want that for myself.  so it must be cruel and selfish.  who looks at their pain unless they absolutely fucking have to?  not me.

i guess that kind of means it’s cruel to expect my other parts to just come out and experience their pain so i can be over it and healed.  i guess it’s hard to ask people to go through that.  especially if i’m not ready to provide them support.

sometimes when i am with m*riad i think i get very close to myself and sometimes i think i get very far and i wonder why those happen.  i don’t know.  i don’t want to be awake at 4:53am or whatever the fuck it is who the fuck cares not me.

and still none of this is really directly actually revealingly what i want to talk about.

what i wanted to talk about was that we actually have a lot of rape fantasies.  that just is what it is.  it’s true and it is how we get off when we are by ourselves for the most part and we write our own internal movies/stories using whatever we’ve picked up that we like.

we are never the victim.

okay, that is not true.  but those people are not fucking talking right now becuase the fact that we are even admitting that is a huge liability.

we are actually not the abuser for the most part.  but we would rather admit to that than .  and really you have to identify with one more than the other right?  and so if we have to choose we pick the abuser.  tho it’s touch for parts that say this makes us look bad but likewhatever.  it’s always a choice.  be bad or weak. bad or weak.  bad or weak.  pick one.

we actually just kind of make up little movies that are kind of they have some like written description sometime.  it’s not fully a movie or a story.  anyway, that is mostly how we get off.

and i*igo said something cool about how hearing about something can be hotter than actually doing it.  like the *idea* can be hotter than the thing itself.

i’m not sure why that made us happy but it did.

it was like we hadn’t considered that there might be a difference between thought an action.  or like that thought could actually be more satisfying than action in certain ways

and i wonder a little if like part of being an abuser is that the action is more satisfying than the thought.  simulation is much worse than reality.  i don’t know.  i’ve been thinking alot about what makes an abuser.  or like what characteristics there might be to those parts or to people where those parts manifest fully (or close to) outside.  which i guess goes along with that action versus thought.

i guess i just always thought that thought was like a prelude or like an incomplete without action.  which is CRAZY because i have spent forever lecturing people on how different thought and action are.

especially because a part of the thought is wishing it COULD be action.  so obviously action would be better right?

and it occured to me what if it *seemed* like action would be better but that was part of the thought, and part of what made it satisfying was wanting *more* of something without actually having it because having it would actually make you feel awful.  but a component of this is *feeling* like you want it to actually happen.  isn’t that wierd?  i think it’s wird.  i think you’re wierd.  well i think YOU’RE wierd.

i guess like we know with those unspeakables we know that thought is better than action.  that is less true in other areas though.  and we just really don’t let them out unless it is perfectly safe or whatever.  wouldn’t it be wierd if you thought it was safe and then you built this whole world and then you realized too late you were trapped in it?  how could you know while it was happening?

i just thought it was a cool idea that the thought of something could be hotter than the thing itself.  even though i know i know that.  and have applied that.  somehow i hadn’t applied it here or something.  like i wasn’t taught it applied here.  like i thought the only way a thought would be hot is if it were based on basically the same action.  if it were kind of an echo, whose worth comes only from it’s reminder of the event.  isn’t that wierd?  i think it’s wierd.  i don’t know.  i don’t fucking know anything.

aren’t you always supposed to want your desires to be fulfilled?  isn’t that what happiness is?  it’s odd to me to imagine it actually being pleasurable *not* to do that.  even though i think that is very much how i set up my life.  i tend to pick people who are at least somewhat out of the question i always want things i can’t have.  why didn’t i see it here?  why can’t i see it here?

it just seems like the happiest thing in the world is giving someone exactly what they want.  right?  though i guess that very often doesn’t go well for us.  but still isn’t that what you’re supposed to try to do if you’re good?  how can wanting be good?  how can it not be worse and horrible.

i guess there is the idea that what people want can actually hurt them.  and while that doesn’t give you the right to get in their way, it also means that denying them isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  it might be a neutral thing.  which doesn’t make sense cuz that’s not how they see it and what they see it matters.

the idea of denying people what they want as a neutral thing is CRAZY to me.  but like, i guess that’s what that would mean.  if what people want isn’t necessarily and often is not better for them, than isn’t it not necessarily and often not a positive thing to do it?  not that it’s a negative.  but what if it isn’t either?  isn’t that crazy?  that is crazy. that’s definitely crazy.

it is always wrong to deny people what they want and need.  it is always bad and selfish and it is youor responsability to give it.

but what if it isn’t?  what if it isn’t bad.  or good.  or anything.  it just is.  it’s neutral and you could argue it 7 ways til sunday (who keeps writing that?) and prove it’s anything but really it’s nothing it just is.

and if that were true than really it would just matter what was best for me or okay for me or like i could consider it.

if it really were neutral.  which it isn’t.  because that is crazy.  because they don’t see it as neutral.  and people are in SO MUCH PAIN when you deny them what they need.  you can’t do that.  that is cruel.

bitch bitch bitch you make up these lies to let yourself tell lies to yourself about how you are not selfish and wrong and bitchy and horrible but you are you are and you know it and you know who you owe and what you owe them and you will never escape you will never escape

labrinth is one of the best movies about healing i’ve seen.  i love the faces that are just like “beware!” “go back!” “you are in grave danger!” and the guy is just like, don’t mind them, they have to say that.  and hten they aren’t so scary.  they just have to say that.  i don’t know.  somehting about what the goblin king says.  submit and i’ll give you everything.  and everything is so glittery and cool and sexy and she isn’t.  how could she give that up?

unhappiness is such a small price.  such a small price.  such a small price.  to get away from the loneliness.

but it is all distraction.  even the unhappiness is part of it.  it is all a distraction it is all a crystal ball and smoke and mirrors that look so much better than the real thing.

but it is such a small price, isn’t it?  it seems small to me.


who am i kidding?

if m*riad is running away, then i picked them because they would be running away.  and would probably freak out if they weren’t.  i mean, let’s be honest, that would be pretty part for the course (who the fuck wrote part instead of par?).  anyway, we aid our cable bill today so we won’t have it turned off at random, we showered last night for the first time in what i can only imagine was more than 2 weeks.  that felt nice.  we are thinking hapy things from what i*digo cuz kathy liked the rocks we picked out and the geode so they’d always have a cave and that made us happy cuz we really DID mean it like that and it’s nice when it can mean something to others too.  whatever.

but if m*riad is pushing us away, then i’m sure we chose that for that specific reason.  so we’d have something to fix, to focus on.  so we are always chasing.  god, who knows how much we create it?  so we won’t ever feel suffocated, because when it switches (catches breath), it’s just done and you’re never the same in our eyes again.  and we *really* don’t want that to happen.  so maybe this is our way of dealing with that.  maybe this would be a good time to explore those issues.

i mean, why would we want that?  so that the person never gets too close, so that they become a part of us and then they own us and they are EVERYWHERE and we want to die.  yes, definitely rejection is better than that.  e*in dumped us but that was still easier than the stuff with s*ef.  we are always running, towards or away.  what a waste.

we got to hear some of m*riads angry parts and they said some really interesting and cool stuff that really helped us understand things better.  it made us really happy.  we really do like them.  it’s funny, they treat their angry parts like we treat our weak/vulnerable/pathetic/needy parts.  they hide behind the angry ones.  it’s so odd.  i think it makes for trouble but i actually think we learn alot when we can actually step back from the triggers.  god i am so glad we don’t live together.  it’s so important to be able to step back and get perspective.  that’s what happened with s*ef.  she was always there.  even when she wasn’t.  we were so intertwined i didn’t have my own thoughts separate from her.  so i missed all the problems.  i missed that we were having a fair amount of non-consensual sex that made us really angry and resentful and scared.  that we were always tiptoing.  god i’m so glad i can get perspective.  i’m trying to step back, to look at myself.  i think we have a tendancy to focus on other people and their problem’s instead of our own.  something i imagine i share with many type-a-high-functioning multiples.  the shit has to go somewhere.  if you don’t claim it it’ll just go on whoever is nearby.  that’s how we do it and have done it.

i don’t know.  we’re just trying to open ourselves and listen.  somehow i imagine m*riad laughing at that, like thinking we are stupid.  what is that?  what is getting triggered that i think that?  that i see them as so functional that they wouldn’t even respect my getting in touch with my emotions?  that i see them as that far from theirs?  or just that i think they hold me and my processing in that much contempt, i guess.  or that it makes them angry.  i don’t know.  cuz it’s too close to things.  that’s probably mom stuff triggered.  she certainly doesn’t want me exploring stuff.

i got an email from a*ron that was, that was very similar to my own style (i realized later with help).  it was incredibly touching and after reading it and honestly since i have felt like i am crazy to think he’d do anything.  that i am still allowed to protect myself to *feel* safe and on others advice, but that it isn’t true at all.  which is just, i don’t know, interesting i guess.  i just realized that since i’ve read it i really haven’t been able to beleive it’s actually possible that he’d try to trance us or just try to get younger parts to sleep with him.  though some parts say it and show us other things but it is different like the writing.

but i was thinking about my mom’s emails.  and how she has adapted her style to just say she loves me and supports what i’m doing.  and how convinced i am by that.  and how such small and subtle comments and phrasses can lead me without even knowing it to her way of thinking.  and i have to say, if a*ron is doing that, then seriously my hat is off to him.  we are really impressed.  particularly our dark parts.  (smiles).  it’s sophisticated stuff.  just, not many people can really fool us even when we’re looking who aren’t in our family.  wow.  it’s.  wow (smiles like pam in the office episode where she’s impressed by jim).  seriously it would make him a lot cooler and more impressive in our minds.  a lot.

there are channels in that i am only beginning to see.  i think my mom swam them or helped create them and i think we can’t even see them when we are looking right at them.  even knowing that after reading it i basically believed there was no way he’d ever do anything and that he was just a hurt boy who felt alone and was doing his best.  and i guess the thing is that IS true, but there are a lot of parts of him.  it IS true, but possibly only for that part.

he can just, he can play (smiles) it like a piano.  he can access other parts of himself when it’s convenient.  he is almost undetectable.  he is adaptable.  he is amazingly skilled.  he is impressive.

woah.  what is going on?  we feel wierd?  like our face is numb or something in a cloud?  what is going on?

i guess we just keep writing and writing.

i think our greatest weakness may be our basic belief that we are fairly impervious to mind control and are instead actually a threat.  and that we are if anything fascinated by the idea of someone succeesffully doing it on us.  and i just wonder.  i wonder if that works right into their hands.  some things can be so subtle that look like just another cobblestone on the street and you don’t think anything when you trip.

heehee m*riad said this thing about

how they had never really appreciated how well we use humor to get out of awkward and tense situations by deflecting or distracting because they are usually not trying to do those things.  but then when they WERE they like could totally see how like we can just say something crazy and funny and just take the tension away because then no one is thinking about the tension they are just laughiung.  we are really good at that.

um maybe we reread what some of us worte last night andi t scareded us maybe.  don know why.  it was not thati interesting and it was probably just written to sound good or somthing because that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened tha t never happened we are so bad i know it we have stuff to get done and we ARENT we need to get it done!!  seriously!!!!!  lots of important important money stuff seriously!!!  we want to die it is too scary we want to die we do please can we we need to i need to die.

edges die edges girl now pl-ease okay then not mad anymore why is we so stupid so bad not good enough why is we not good enough don’t understand don’t understand why we is not good enough sleep with us don’t understand why we is not good enough we could be if you gave us a chance doesn’t hurt doesn’t hurt so we is happy you is happy all is happy see i dont understand why you get sad we must not be good enough yet we can try and try and someday maybe we will be please don’t give up we’ll be good enough some day (cold chill spread thru torso and arms)

we really will be good enough some day please don’t give up we’ll get better we are getting better we are we are just give us time to get better please we’ll be better we’ll do better we ccn we can please don’t give up i want to die please don’t give up we can be better we can be better we can be better we can be better we ccan save you if yo i mean we are better we can we can – e*a dream where we couldn’t save her?

it is funny to me that like if you are a little kid making adults come with your hands and mouth, you would definitely not be considered a top.  but if you are that same kid doing the same thing but in an adult body, you would be.  isn’t that wierd?  that seems wierd to me.

that is dirty bad girl bad girl to say that you bad girl you are so bad you bad girl don’t say that don’t say that what is wrong with you bad girl bad girl what is worng with you we hate you bad girl we hate you don’t say those things don’t say flash of grandma’s house don’t say those things diont say them well hit you and kill you we will because then you die bad girl say those things is so bad we will kill you dead NOW

impulse to do something else. reisisted and stayed here.

um we are pretty scarred here.  i dont know why, none of this is really that scary.  i mean it’s not like violent or anything so whateveri ts not a big deal you know we are so bad mak e it sa big deal please dont be mad please dont pleae dont please dont please dont please dont please dont help i want to die i am scared i have things to do i can’t be doing this i need to do the things i know i am being bad i am so bad i am so scared i am messing everything up i can tell help help help help help help i am so scared i really need to die i think okay omigod i ma so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl

okay so m*riad made an interesting point

cuz like we realized we was maybe triggered or somethinand wes ated a candy and 2 potato chips tonight feelin sick maybe oops we’s just tryin help form the pain stop it hurtin wes tryin run helphelp

on another note, omigod i have decided that saying “it would be better if you did such-and-such” has about the function and helpfullness of saying “it would be better if you hadn’t been abused”  so put THAT in your pipe and smoke it

we are so bad.  nymph wrote this cool imrpressive smart stuff and we didn’t say how smart then m*raid said it fore we could but WE THOUGHTED IT ALREADY and we hate not identifin smart stuff bfore other people  cuz nymph all totlly explained logic or like how you can only be sure of the people who like have a use for you.  it was very smart.  we are stupid and wish we were smart and cool like nymph she is all like says what she thinks like even tho it is totally unpopular with the system and like society (say bigs) and stuff we say everyone.  oh we is so bad we is so bad.  we is so bad.  want die.  want die want die want die want die want die want die.

m*riad think maybe should password whole journal but we don’t know tho now we say it get real scared so maybe shouldshould maybe we isn’t listenin.

but ANYWAYS they said write about what you is scared happen no matter what.

sometimes i think people add tags for things they are thinking about but can’t say and that is all they can say and i’ve decided that’s valid and also we just got super cold so we must be pretty scared

and we had a flash to go change our tags to be easier to get to and really wanted to do that and i think that might be a distraction method by someone.  it was really crazy when we tried to change our password yesterday and got all foggy couldn’t remember what happened how to do it couldn’t figure it out and m*riad had to.  that was odd.  that was odd.

and yet we still have not done what we set out to do in this post: which is to write specifically about our fears.  god other people are going ONJ about the punctuation in that last sentence but fuck them oh we are so cold so cold so cold why why why

what is we scared alone scared  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone not loved alone not loved alone not loved don’t want that too scary please too scare pl-ease

bad girrl she is a bad girl she is she is i know it i know it i kow it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it

worthless bitch i know she is a worthless bitch i know it okay so shut up i know it i know it so shut up don’t tell me i know it please don’t say it i know it please don’t tell me i’m bad i know it please don’t sya i know i t i hurt myself see you don’t have to i hurt myself so you don’t have to see?  see?  so you don’t hae to okay?  maybe then you don’t have to.

i can be good and i can hurt myself see?  so you don’t have to see so you don’t have to see so you don’t have to see so you don’t have to do it i do it so you can be happy and love me maybe if i hurt myself maybe you will love me again because i need that to happen please i hurt myself then i don’t lose you and you don’t have to okay? (strong pain in right upper forearm near shoulder, almost like when you’ve gotten a tetnis shot)

i am bitch i know it but maybe i hurt myself you love me again maybe? see i try make you happy see then you love me maybe maybe maybe okay? i try real hard do a real good job and then you love me maybe maybe please

that would be nice than you love me maybe and love me maybe and love me maybe and i’m good you love me maybe i can hurt myself again you love me even *more*

okay?  please let me do that so you can love me  i don’t understand why you don’t and won’t let me i just want to make you happy so you will love me i don’t understand why not and why i am so bad  why not hurt me make you love me please  why not you let me do it why not so you can love me why not you don’t want to love me why not i can’t be ba d girl i can’t sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i be good i will i will i will i will i will i will i will i can be so good so good just give me a chance

if you give me a chance i can be so good make you so happy make you so happy make you so happy why don’t why won’t let us why won’t let ys won’t love us you don’t you don’t don’t let us make you happy we is so bad why is you no t let us bee good make you happy we can be so good we can be so good we can be so good we can be so good we can be so good  we can be so good  we can be so good  we can be so good  we can be so good we can be so coog if you have no idea if you just let us be good we can be so good we can we can if you let us and then you love us why not you don’t want to lvoe us you don’t you don’t lvoe us i know cuz you won’t let us mak e you happy so you don’t i know it i know it i am so bad i am a bad girl

these are bad thing s scary things but say feel too real not say but we is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad we is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad

i can be good girl so excited so good make you so happy you  have no idea you dont have to do anything i can make you so happy i am so good i am so good i am so good if you give me a chance i am a courtesan i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good

i really can be such a good girl if you give me a change i mean chance i can be good girl or good boy i can be good anything really i can be so good give me the cahnce i can make you so happy i promise i swear i promise i can i can i can i can i can why don’t you let me why not why don’t why dnot you don’t love me i guess

i guess you don’t i guess you don’t i guess you don’t i guess you don’t i know you don’t i know it i know it cuz if you love me you let me make you happy so you can actually really love me or something wait hmmmm

not make sense already love me not make sense except from amde you happy before maybe but that wear off can’t be other that not make sense that is wierd arresting can’t don’t like think why think that why say that why be good girl bad girl i am so bad omigoodnes i cam so bad i should die okay i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i neef to die

i know i am saying bad things and beign bad i know cuz i feel it so strong so scared i know this must be bad very bad i must be very selfish and very bad i must be i am sorry i am sorry i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die\

why can’t make happy why can’t be good why can’t so stop feelin so scared and alone and sad forver why can’t let make better why i don’t understand why that hurts us i don’t understand we must just be too bad to deserve it not good enough not good enough not good enough not godo enough not good enough not good enough not good enough not goo d enough i want to die please i want to die if i’m not good enough i want to die i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am

i want to die i do i do i need to die forever now this is too much this is awful this is nothing there is nothing i want to die there is nothing i want to die there is nothing there is nothing there is only one familiar i want tod ie i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die

i want to die faker copycat manipulater showoff lier conceited bitch

i know i am bad please don’t tell me i know it and i am happy to hurt myself really just tell me i will i’ll make it better please just tell me i can i can make it better just give me a chance i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can

help i need to die i know i am being bad i feel like my skin is exploding i feel like i am too restless to be i want to die this is awful i want to die i want to die help help help help help help help help

we had this talk with m*riad that got us thinking

about sex and what being a bottom or a top allows us to do. i think if we are a top than we are in charge of getting the other person off and kind of how things go in general. as a bottom, we are responsible for being as sexy as possible so that the person topping us is happy.

so that, uh, affects the sounds we can make.  like if we are a bottom, we are supposed to be a girl, or at least really feminine.  we are really not ever supposed to make guy sounds but if we are topping in certain situations it is maybe okay.

i don’t know, the rules seem pretty clear and hard (ha ha) and fast (ha ha ha) to us.  but it was interesting cuz m*riad didn’t seem to see it that way and that was interesting.  sometimes it makes things crack and like we can see whole other possibilities.

you know what’s wierd in those dreams?  a lot of times nobody cares about me or believes me but suddenly e*in is there acting like omigod i’m so great.  says someone.  that is NOT what we were going to say.  e*in thinks she is so great and better than us she does she does.  um, what the hell?

e*in should go away we hate her.  she should we do.  um, she did.  she go away we hate her.

okay i am really trying to write about something here.  okay, (flash of brooklyn near park)

okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay

help help help i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i;m scared

help help help i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scaredi i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared im’ scared i’m scaredi ‘m scared

it is not safe the people are not safe they are around it is like a party

helpp i’m scared

stupid dream

okay, so we had a dream that appears to have really stressed us based on how we felt when we woke up.  our body hurts and feels heavy.

ugh.  how much do we not want to talk about this?  alot.  alot would be the answer.


blah, it’d be better if we acted like we didn’t care, like it wasn’t embarrassing.

part of it was at that usual college campus or whatever with a test, and there was stuff about people not liking us, and thhere was stuff (sighs) about whoever whatever pixie was in the dream trying to suck these men’s cocks and get them to fuck her.

thank god for mpd, because it sure as hell isn’t *me* dreaming that.  fucking a.

stupid bitch.  i hate this whole thing.  but it’s easier to record when it isn’t ME.  i guess that’s kind of the underlying thing with mpd.  i know i should call it did, but i like mpd.

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