i am sad and small and scared

i know i am a bad girl.  i know that for sure.  i know i am bad very bad and scared.  i know things are not safe and not what they appear to be.  i know that no one is safe.  i know that i am not safe.  i know that i don’t know things and i know some of those things may be important.  i know no one cares.  i know i am alone.  i know i am bad and hated.

i think some of us think that m*riad must really hate us.  for various reasons.  because our pleasers are so unsuccessful and actually make things worse.  it is so shameful to write that.  it is so shameful.  for other reasons too. that have to do with a*ron and i can’t quite explain.

maybe i should explain about me and a*ron.  i know a*ron cuz he is m*riads ex who they used to live with up until soon after.  so now they live in our building.  we still see a*ron with m*riads.  um, he does stuff we do not agree with with m*riads and that upsets us.  and we told him.  and he wrote sumthin back thats a secret so can’t say it.  anyways we is tryin help get him to counselor.

but also he is like um on the bus once when wes alone cuz we tries never be he told us this stuff bout how he learned make multiple gotta do this stuff and trance and put im in a freezer til almost die take em out they love you forever want please you never die not a fear thing as much you are a saviour you are the one who takes away the pain and also how put m*riads in and out of trance.  so yeah.  they showed it on us maybe we tranced a little i don’t know.  it was wierd.  we are wierd and people yell we must be making this up.

i think it is tough for us that m*riad can’t be more of a support on this.  like obviously it’s super complicated and that makes sense but i guess it hurts a little for those who can’t get that and they just wish they would protect us.  butt there are so many parts and we are not dating the vast majority of them and they have their own ways of doing things and their own perspectives.  but it hurts still a little that it seems like maybe they aren’t that concerned for us or something.

i don’t know.  i think we wish for protectors.  like we told j*ga and like billie came out and like was like so mad and wanted to kill a*ron.  and it made us kind of happy a littlee, like it makes us smile even now.  and i KNOW we are bad to make comparisons but we do it anyway because we are so bad.

i guess it’s just been hard to realize that m*riad is really no more stable than we are.  or no more in control.  or something.

i don’t know.  some of us want them to be mad and like want to protect us and like take care of us and stuff and we KNOW they can’t cuz they have other stuff going on and this means lots of stuff for them and it is VERY complicated but that is still what we want because we are bad.  we want them to want to protect us and take care of us.

help help help things are so scary so scary.  kathy and i*digos and everyone was sayin a*ron like try hypnotize us or sumthin try get us sleep with him met with him and we wouldn’t even knw.

why don’t they want to protect us?  (little ones inside cry).  we must not be very loveable.  we thought isf we were loveable enough they would want to but it didn’t work.  oh well.  we are bad and in the dark.

we just wanted someone to protect us.

also our body hurts in different places and some of them are bad.  we have been so scared lately.  so scared.  they must hate us.  they must not love us.

i think the thing with a*ron doesn’t so much change how we feel as validate fears we were uncomfortable aming.  like why we won’t ever be alone with him.  except really this time on the bus.

mommy mommy why won’t you protect me?

mommy protects herself.  mommy protects herself cuz she needs it gotta be a good little girl a good little girl and help out help protect her i can do it i can be a good girl a really good girl and i can protect her and i can take daddy and i can be a good girl (smiles)  i can i can be such a good girl take good care fo mommy and daddy i can be such a good girl i can i can i swear a good girl takes care of mommy for being sad and hurt by daddy i can help i can help (smiles bigger and bites lip).  i can be such a good girl i can please let me i can i can make it all better.  this good girl makes it all better, okay?  she makes it all better.  she is a good girl in every way she can so she can make it all better she is such a good girl and she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better (was there a closet in their room?  i call it daddys room in my head)

i know how to be a good little girl i do i make people happy and make it all better.  i can make it all better i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can

shes a good girl isn’t she?  isn’t she?  she’s a good girl now right?  good girl?  she did a good job is a good girl saved mommy so mommy loves her now right?  right?  she did a good job right (eyes wet)?  dicn’t she?   she did such a good job saved mommy helped daddy made mommy all better she was such a good girl she was look at her she was such a good girl she took care of everything.  that’s what a good girl does.  she takes care of everything and i am a good girl right?  i am right?  i did good not bad?  i did good made it better?  for mommy?  i am a good girl who lvoes you and now you love me right?  then mommy holds me and loves me and i am such a good girl (smiles big, eyes wet).  then she loves me so much and i am such a good girl i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better please let me make it all better so you can love me mommy?

when will mommy love me?  mommy will love me when i’m a good girl when i take ccare of everything (flash of a corner of dad’s room).  mommy will love me then for being so good such a good girl she is such a good girl she is such a good girl.  mommy doesn’t mean for me to be hurt, she just needs to be protected.  she just needs to be protected.  she doesn’t mean it that way.  she doesn’t mean it.  she just needs help (flash of that hospial that is so light and airy and white with the room with the sunny window and the bed and i was reading a book).  she just needs help that little mommy so she needed me to make it all better like a good girl makes it all better i can be such a good girl i can watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me the good girl gets her face all wet but that just means she as a good girl clean up

she is a bad girl i think a bad girl for not doing ehr job. seh is a bad girl i think for not doing her job and protecting mommy.  she is a bad girl and a bad girl and a bad girl mommy needs her mommy needs her protection she can take it she can do it instead she can do it and be a good girl and make it all better and be a good girl and be good enough and make it all better and then be loved but then not loved so sad tried so hard all dirty face wet but she can’t love us now she hurts too much mommy hurts all the time poor mommy i can make it better with my dripping face i can be such a good willte girl i can protect her and be the best girl in the whole world in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i amd the best girl in the whoe wide world because i helped mommy and made it better i did i am a bad girl but i did it see (flash of e*a’s old room) i am a little bitch i make it better because i am so good i can make it all better

i am so good i can make it all better (smiles big especially on left side of face).  i am such a bad girl but i can be good and make it all better i can be so good i can do anything and i alway smaek it better for mommy all better so she can rest and sleep and be safe. i take care of her i am a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am see?  i am such a good girl.  i know i am cuz i di a good job but then when i don’t then i’m a bad girl and mommy won’t love me cuz she gets hurt she needs me to take care of her she does i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can protect her i can protect her i can protect her i can protect her and be a good little girl who is very good so good she is so good look how good she is takes care of everytihing like a good little girl what a good little girl someone should hug her she did such a good job she takes care of eveyrhting what a good little girl mommy loves her so much she is so good so good to mommy so good she makes everything all better what a good litttle girl she makes everything all better what a good little girl she makes everything all better what a good little girl she makes everything all better isn’t she a good girl she is right i know she is if she makes everything all bettter she can be good she can be good to daddy and make it better for mommy she can be a good girl she can be a good girl a good girl a good girl  good girl a good girl (almost remembers a flash of childhood but it slips thoruhg our graasp).  help help help we are so scared we try to be good but we are so scared and even whem we are good we are bad even when we are good we are bad we are worthless watn to die i want to die can we die so we aren’t worthless anymore please can we die and make it better (downstairs in brooklyn).

ahhh.  i’m sorry i can’t just do anymore i just can’t it is too much this pleasing mommy gotta please mommy make her happy so she’ll love us make her happy so she’ll love us make her happy so shell love us take care of her do everything do anything take carre of her protect her be a good girl you bitch be a good girl and help her out just help her out just help her out don’t be selfish she needs you you bitch don’t be selfish you are pointless and bad and horrible and a bitch and i want to die i want to die this is bad i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die

help help help help help help help help help i’m o scared but the only way for people to love you is to be good otherwise stay away stay away stay away just be good and its fine its not that heard its not that hard its not be a good girl its not that hard help mommy she needs it you are a good girl you are be a good girl she is a good girl she is a good girl she is a good girl she is a godo girl she hated me i know she did she resented me and wanted me to be hurt i know she did she needed our help she just needed us

she wanted us dead.  she hated us.  she did.  she looked at us and we saw it how she hated us and wanted us to take her pain.  we saw it.  we did.  and we’d do anything not to see it anymore.

(an odd incredible calmness, or at least relative since the typing had been so frenzied)

seems like a good place to leave it. i’m not rereading it.  hope i’m not bad.

but whatever.

truly, though, i can be quite a good girl. if you lget me.  then you love me and i am so happy and loved and loved and loved so much cuz i was a good girl such a good girl. such a good girl.

s*ef hated me when i didn’t want to sleep with her.  everything changed like lightening then we were bad it was cold and theres shocks sin the air we just wanted it to be nice so she scould lvoe us.

wow, mom really set us up as an easy mark.  i guess that’s why we stay so fucking far away from everyone, huh?  why do we keep typing, this is awwful and i want to stop.  i want to take a break and reward myself for doing so well.  i’ve been sitting the fuck around scared out of my mind trying to think when i can and see wha’ts up and hoping i’d get somewehre so i should be fucking brilliant i should be fucking proud but i’m not i’m’ scared and sad and want my mommy to love me

that’s the thing, tho. she never will.  not me.  only the good girl.  two songs we’ve been playing/watching alot:

creep (cover by brandi carlile, which is so fucking awesoem and gritty and growly)

mexican wrestler – jill sobule

plus the usual

throw it all away by brandi carlile (i love her expressions)

whatever.  everything is wierd and tough and i’m trying to figure it out and listen to peopla dn what the fuck.  i’m smoking like a fucking chimney adn my body hurts and i have eaten littel and i bought this stupid large pizza anyway and now no one wants it and we neeed to order groceries and i can’t leave the apartment or shower or anything.  i don’t know.  things are fucking ough.  i’m jealous of people who can do any kind of tangible functioning.  i am really fucking jealous.  i am such a pathetic loser.  and blah it’s my emergency period but it still fucking sucks.  it fucking sucks to be totally disfunctional you know that.  it just sucks and i am really fucking tired of it but whatever tehere is nothing i can do i want to die i want to die i want to die iw ant ot die i want to die i want to die

mom couldn’t rotect us after we moved, we had to negotiate all our visitation and stuff with him.  i guess there’s no reason to think she could have in brooklyn.  i mean, he was a scary guy and she lived with him and couldn’t even protect herself.  she did the best she could.  she ahd her own apartment place for being sometimes it was filled iwth stuuff and messy and stuff i don’t remember it will.  i need to stop typing this is bullshit i need to stop i can’t do this anything anymore my heart is going to burts why cn’t i stop i can’t do this i am blocking it out with smoek and video right

NOW

we fucking wrote a post and it got deleted

summary: we want to die.  someone inside is crying hysterically.  we have a lot to handle: foosd stamps. ssi stuff, apartment recert, reshedule kathy.

i want to diee i want to die i want to die

and now my fucking right ear is popping again what the fuck is that???

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