Protected: we saw m*riad tonight

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Advertisements

i have no idea whether this is apprpriate or not

but m*riads told me once that the only (best?) defense they had was to tell and tell and tell.  and so in that vein… i guess if it’s inappropriate i’ll find our and decide what to do from there.

so here is what i think.  i think that a lot of parts of a*ron that used to be out are locked inside.  i think they’ve been locked away for a while.  i think the part or part(s) that is keeping them locked away is doing anything and everything in his/their power to maintain that.  i think that part is very strong.  i think that part is very smart.  i do *not* meet people who are as skilled at manipulating as i am, certainly who are not also more comfortable using it in extreme and risky ways.  i do *not* meet people who have the ability to access other parts and use them to best mimic another person’s thought process and what would appeal to them.  i am impressed, perhaps above all else.

but i do think those parts are trapped.  and i don’t think they can get out while he/they is this strong.  and i think he is trapped too, whether he knows it or not.  i think the labrinth is beautiful and glamorous and relies on never seeing.  i think the songs could be about something else.

but what do i know?  i guess i think i have held the crystal ball myself and i recognise the sleight of hand.  now.  but even i am easily hypnotized.  which is why i really can’t be in contact.  it would take someone as skilled as me to fool me.  i think he is strong.

those are the things that i think.  i think i am a threat to him now that i see at least part of what’s going on.  i think that is the biggest and only real threat to the labrinth.  but it is only me.  and i was at best a side project, and probably just a bonus and perhaps someone to shore up support or at least not be an obstacle.  i don’t know really.  it is too bad i can’t talk to him.  that i am not strong enough, not aware enough or in control enough of my triggers.  it’s too bad they don’t make babel fish for that.

lots of body pains with our period but they are up up.  we sleep almost on our stomache now, which is super bad for our back.  we need to get adjusted.  we need to do a lot of things.

i also think that actively exploring these thoughts is an important part of my defense.  and that i am getting much more pain from my sides around my stomache and don’t know what’s going on.  what is going on??

help help help help says someone inside

our newest song

how to watch

we want to change the ending but it’s in pretty decent shape.

(…)

scared-mommie-final

someone inside says “i cried hysterically”

like they are narrating. who knows. i know we are triggered. i know we are bad. i know we are a bad girl. i know i want to die and am a bad girl. iknow i want to die because i’m a bad girl. i know these things i know them and it hurts like a heartattack can’t sleep it is 3am and wes not even close wes is having a tough time wes is wantin to die wantin to die wantin to die wanting to die we do we do we are we are we are we are we are we are we are we are
i want to die i am a bad girl i am a baf girl i am a bad girl i am a bad girl i know it it hurts like a heart attack i am a bad girl i am a bad girl i am a bad girl i am a bad girl i am a bad girl

i was thinking about my mom. and how after i cut off contact she did things i would NEVER have imagined. like turning up at my door and sitting in the hallway for 2 hours. like breaking into my email. i mean, privacy was like one of her foremost priorities. it was crazy.

and i think it’s because she was (and is) desperate. when we got out of her reach she had to use everything she could to bring us back. i think she cued us 7 ways to sunday. i think she is and has used every trick she has to get us back. that is what i think.

i think when i was in her control in general, she didn’t have to exert nearly as much control or do anything that extreme. but in order to have a CHANCE of keeping me when i stopped communicating with her she was willing to do anything i think. i think she still is. and she has to use much stronger mechanisms. much … crueler. more calculating. she is different than i have known her or parts i didn’t know that well have come out more.
i see now how long we have enabled her, we were her coping mechanism. for years and years and years and i think it helped her function. i wonder sometimes if her body problems are related to this. the timing is interesting. i certainly know they caused a lot of change for us. but i digress.

i think i do not know how to remember these other sides when i am with her nicer ones who don’t even know about the others necessarily and certainly don’t feel the same way.

i don’t know how to maintain my mindset when i speak to her, when i read her words in an email, a txt. she is inside my mind and i am lockstep with her in an instant and i don’t even know it happened.

i have no way of protecting myself from her besides non-contact. and so complete that i can’t even see her emails. because i cant… i can’t protect myself and i am *so* easily *so* easily triggered to her mindset. it is, it is as natural as breathing, more natural than anyone else.

what did mom do when both of us were gone for that one year?

i am her little wonder girl. and there is so much safety in that. she will always love me. no matter what. no matter what i do or what happens, i know she will always love me and always think i am good and amazing.
altho that isn’t true, i have to be her wonder girl to do that. but i can pretty easily, so it doesn’t seem hard (that’s what he said). and it makes her so happy. i don’t know, we just want to be good.

i guess what we finally kind of realized with mom or are realizing or are putting into words is that her hold is so effective, so complete, so imperceptable to us, that we have absolutely no way to defend ourselves. no matter how hard we try. we just … we just can’t. at least not right now. i hope some day to be in a place where i can. but for now…

i guess what i’m realizing is that what makes my mom MOST dangerous is that i am unable to really see how dangerous she is. even though i catch glimpses they dissappear and are never as real as her love feels. and that when i am in communication with her i can’t even see the ways she is drawing me in, converting me, programming me and changing me. i can’t see them at all.

and since i can’t see them, i can’t make it.

it’s like i realized that i don’t have the ability to percieve what she is doing to me.  and so i really can’t be in contact with her because really i have no way of knowing what’s going on.  so i *think* i’m fine and everything is entirely safe, but it isn’t.  it’s a lack of safety without feeling a lack of safety.  or maybe feeling a little of it and not knowing why.  but often if i’m good enough not feeling it at all.

she is still my mom.  and it is still my job to save her.  and she is still a part of me more than anyone else is.  she is tucked away in a locked box because even hints of her cause explosions.  she is nowhere so she is everywhere (someone inside said it should be the other way around).

it’s like quatum phyrics.  like okay the explanation might take you to the conclusion, but it doesn’t *feel* right the way like newton’s laws of motion do.  it doesn’t wuite jibe with my reality.  so it’s hard to accept and remember and understand.

i don’t know.  i think i am learning a lot about my mom right now.  it’s kind of cool.  i’m seeing a lot of light shed on her.

but it still doesn’t *feel* right.  but it does work to increase our general feeling of safety.  mom is more removed from her effects.  it is harder to trace them back.  i think that contributes.

it’s just, what do you do when it doesn’t *feel* right?  it’s a hard state to stay in (someone inside said “that’s what she said” and honestly i have no idea what that means).

it’s just impossible to think of my mom as dangerous because she’s not, she doesn’t see herself that way, and she is so defenseless and weak and needs help.  so how can i possibly put my defenses up.  i guess that’s part of why i can’t see the danger.

my mom is good at making me remember only one reality.  and there are so many and many don’t make her look so good.

my mom doesn’t want to face her stuff.  but god i was the perfect daughter for so long and it got her nowhere.  i have to believe this isn’t just for me.  i have to.

she is my mom.  and she is part of me.  and that is more real than anything.

and yet i continue to not see her.

thank god for the only true defense mechanism i have: disappearing from people’s lives completely and blocking them out of my mind.

i will say, though, that slowly slowly it got less painful not to see her.  so slowly i didn’t even think about it until now when i realized it isn’t that bad at least not at this moment.

i don’t know, there is nothing like being a good little girl for mommy.  it sucks to give it up.  it just fucking sucks.  and it doesn’t make it any fucking easier that it’s healthy and crap.

besides, it’s mommy and me against the world.  i can’t trust anyone else.  anyone else can and will turn on me.  but she never will no matter what because she loves me and needs me and i’m her little wonder girl i am such a good girl.  how can you give up the place where you are a good girl?

there is a tinge that unhealthiness gives things that like, i don’t know what to do without.  to me that is where the satisfaction lives.  i don’t know.  sometimes i wonder if this healing thing is a total fucking waste and we should give up like mommy says.  mommy says we is not so sick just need work on it for real stop thinkin bout abuse and stuff so we can be good girl. mommy says mommy says mommy says she lvoes us.

*snaps* and that is how quickly we are hers again. and she isn’t even talking to us.

Protected: important dates and crazy ideas

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

i would just like to say, for the record,

that clearly i am treating m*riad like my mother whom i need to save or they’ll leave me. i just want to say that at least some of us are aware of that and trying to keep it in mind. i know it affects us and i know it makes us too reliant on their “well-being” or whatever and that is too much pressure. so we need to try to back off that. but at the same time we want to offer support. i don’t know, we have trouble with moderation and sometimes i think we get lost and are just the little girl trying to save mommy so she won’t leave her. so yeah. plus there is something wierd with the sensitivity in my right finger tips and really as if you traced a line around it to make a hand print, there is wierd feelings almost like being cut or like something being laid open. i don’t know. i am insane and bad and insane.
and i am really going to try to make that what i talk about with kathy on monday. also why am i not sleepy. wierd stuff is happening like witches and cauldrens and it is almost xmas time it is almost xmas time it is almost xmas time and the witch laughs. xmas 2004

  • Categories

  • Pages