i have been in and out of consciousness all day

mostly out until around 7:30pm i’ve been up since. very triggered. think i’m having one long dream. not good things. not good things at all. started our period yesterday (double bonus for it being xmas!) and things have just. it’s not good here. we do not feel safe. we feel like we could easily be taken advantage of. we do not feel safe. we do not feel safe. we are scared and there are bad things lurking about that we do not want to think about or touch and if we do everything will explode all the glass and it will be everywhere and everything is glass you see everything is glass it is all just glass

it is all just glass

i think part of what triggers us

when m*riad gets tired and needs to go to sleep is that we have to leave and go back to our apartment.  something about the leaving and the hall and maybe even the elevator.  something about getting kicked out fo the room because you’re no longer useful or loved.  i don’t know.  i am such a bitch.  i want to die.

i just know i am sure that they don’t love us when that heppens.  i had a thing about leaving e*in’s and going home too.  something about being alone and rejected. walking home, walking back to your room.  something like that.

i am such a bitch.

i want to die

they say they love me.  why can’t i feel it?

scared and crying inside.

idea for why e*a is so concerned about our safety lately

she is getting close to memories that trigger feelings that i am not safe or that i will need to kill myself.  a smart safety mechanism.  and would also explain a bit all the dreams i have about ee*a’s safety.

things are tough here.  lots of things coming up.  i try to remind myself it’s been over 2 weeks since we’ve seen kathy.  and we’re seeing her on tuesday.

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