plus

we got all triggerred last nigth cuz m*riad basically told us that they were doing *us* a favor by letting us go with them to therapy and plus they already told us it’s like we’re not there cuz we don’t talk enough.  it is so embarassing cuz i thought we were really helping and trying to provide a really supportive presence and stuff and it’s really embarassing to find out we were really a burden.  it is horribly embarassing.

anyway we got triggered but for some reason thought we shouldn’t leave like that would be too upsetting and so (this is bad i think, like bad etiquette) we kind of hit this spot on our forarm by our wrist a whole bunch because that was one of the few places we could do some actual damage at least cosmetically cuz isn’t that half the fun?) anyway now it totally fucking hurts and we can’t even see it and it makes our left wrist feel like it has carpal tunnel or like a witch is holding it real tight in her claws.

anyway, tho, this extreme of a reaction obviously means this was a big big trigger.  and something extra wierd was going on.  and i think we are still trying to be the good girl.  it’s like we think if we’re supportive and like there for m*riad enough they’ll love us and it doesn’t work that way.  i think before we were trying to be the good girl by not listening to other’s discomfort around a*ron and now we’re trying to be the good girl by saving them from a*ron and that’s not our place to do.  and it wouldn’t make them love us anyway.  and i think i have set this up in my mind where it’s like if i’m good enough they’ll finally love us.  like we’ll be able to save them or whatever.  which is bullshit because who are we to save anyone anyway?

but i think it’s mom stuff.  we thought if we were good enough we could stop her hurting and then she’d love us and it just, it never happened.  we never did enough to make her stop hurting, she just needed more and more until we were drowning and drowned and died.  maybe that’s what killed elizabeth.

so i think we freaked out because it was like that typified everything for us.  like we were trying so hard and thought we were doing such a good job and making things better and then. and then it just collapsed and it turns out at best we just make it worse.  that we will never make it better and that means they will never love us.  we want to be that perfect person who loves when they need to and doesn’t feel when that’s better and says all the right things and we think this time this time we’ll get it and get it right and finally finally she’ll love us.  but it doesn’t work that way.  that ship has sailed.  she will never love us that way.

you will never love me

and why should i even care?

it’s not that your so special

you’re just the cross i bear!

it’s so silly to write the words because alone they are nothing but the way she sings them they are everything so they are only there for evocation not simply communication.  we imagine jill sobule is really singing this to a parent.  we imagine that most upset songs are actually sung to a parent underneath it all, that there is trauma underneath it all and that it is the source of creativity and subversion and counter-culture and that’s why maybe it is tolerable that no matter what we can’t get rid of it.  it’s the ridiculous horrible trade-off.

anyway we are trying to watch ourselves.  i think our continual view of a*ron as helpless and defenseless and hurting and in need of help makes us blind to his dangerous parts.

it is not so impressive to accept one or the other reality, the trick is to see BOTH as true and make THAT work like in the dispossesed (tips hat to m*riad)

that is very much what happens with our mom and i do think that email evoked a lot of that in us and i think that may be the most effective way to get us.  to show an honest struggle with your own personal demons and ask for help.  we will give it any time.  we can’t see anything else when it’s there.  that’s how our mom gets us.  still.  those roads are fresh and clean and we don’t even know when we’re on them.

i don’t know.  i feel like maybe i’m getting closer to things.  maybe.  step.  step a bit to the side and try another route.  step around. step step step.  baby steps to the elevator, baby steps to the door, baby steps past the mother begging for help and baby steps to another without missing a step. baby steps baby steps baby steps.

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