highest highs

someone started singing this in our head and we managed to play (and sing more importantly because it is a high-pitched song, we were trying to like remember how to float above the note like in chorus) it pretty close to what we were hearing. anyway, we liked it *a lot* so we recorded it and here it is.  there is a pause (a brief intermission really) for us to clear our throat and drink water and cough.  feel free to do the same.

highest highs

the music (not the content) reminds me of this song from godspell that we love(d) so much.  we would sing it to ourselves in front of the mirror.  it has beautiful harmonies.  it’s like violins.  we used to get so lost in songs from musicals. for hours on end.  we stopped cuz no one we lived with liked them really at all but some of us still listen to them sometime.  it’s perfect cuz it’s a story like a play and also it’s like a song and so it has all the music and voice and stuff to evoke stuff.


also, someone inside keeps saying

“help i want to kill myself”

i don’t know what to do about that

tried to ask her, just said she needed help help help i need help

so we tried to go in and it’s like a cave like a stone tunnel small and then we got to this drop off and i don’t think we should go over it.  so i’m asking what she needs and all she says is help help i need help and sounds so scared and sad. it’s wierd i can almost see her. i want to die.

i’m scared if i don’t help her there will be a flood or something and she’ll drown.  dammit.  i ddon’t really know what to do.

i really don’t want to think about her there when i can’t save her.  that i s kind of unbareable.  but i don’t want to forget about her, what if she drowns?  dammit.

i really don’t want to et too close to that ledge and slip off like when e*a fell off the chairlift. what was that?  it is windy outside that scares us mabe and triggers us don’t know why.  feelin scared and alone.  can’t make it better, can’t take care of ourselves.  we want to die.

we is readin suffer the child it is triggerin us maybe but we keep readin it we is bad i guess so sorry

we feel scared and unloved and unprotected

wouldn’t it be wierd if i was mad at dad for not protecting us from mom?  because he is definitely the bad and scary parent.  tho who know who mom was before we moved, when she lived with him in constant terror.  who knows.  i don’t remember her at all from then really.  i think she was different.  scarier maybe.

i know that what caused the breakdown was i always felt so bad with s*ef.  i was always bad for sleeping with n*ncy and wanting to do that but not with her. i was bad because she was sad and hurt and jealous.  always had to tiptoe tiiptoe

then she left for italy and erin and i slept together and ah this week that was so wonderful and i wasn’t bad at all and i was so happy

then s*ef came back and i went crazy or started  too.  i hated her so much.  i hated her and was scared of her and wanted to get away from her.  i think.part of us did.

help i’m scared

maybe that’s the girl too but what the f*** am i supposed to do about that huh?  i can’t save her.  i don’t have any tools and to visualize them would be too make things up and that doesn’t help and it scares me.okay maybe i don’t want her up here maybe she scares me and i don’t want to take care of her.  i don’t know how to do it or where to start

she is scared and i just can’t do it i want to die i want to be alone i want to be alone i want to be alone i want to be alone i want to be alone  why are you leaving mommy where are you going? where are you going and why  don’t you love us anymore what happened what happened you left what happened

help i’m scared

how exactly do i provide help?  what am i supposed to do?  i can’t comfort her, she freaks me out so i don’t feel safe either.  there’s no one to comfort us both.  there are no caring adults here to take care of us. i want to die.

help i want to die

scared alone scared

help i want to die help help

help i want to die help help help i want to die help i want to die help i want to die help i want to die i want to die i want to die

scared alone scared

i am really not sure what to do with this.  i’m trying to stay with it and feel it but i don’t like it.

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