what we did today

– took out the trash for the first time in probably over a week

– did the laundry for the first time in over 2 weeks and i think it might be 3 or 4.

we are thinking about taking a shower to complete the trifecta of cleanliness.

we are clearly avoiding *something* here.

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i am going to die

i have so much to do and i can’t get it done.  it’s serious, people!!  this is like $3000 dollars i will owe uw if i don’t handle this.  dammit dammit dammit.  plus the apartment stuff. plue the food money stuff.  dammit dammit dammit i am horrible.

for the record

i have the following to do.  all very important.  all over due.

  • tuition forfeiture petition so i’m not charged $3200 by the law school
  • get form from testm so i can get my $93 in food benefits for this month (or some part of it)
  • get in apartment cert so i don’t get evicted

so that would be money, food, and shelter.  if anyone’s keeping track.  so way to fuck up.  we are handling none of this.  at all.  we do nothing.  i hear people talk about taking days off and not getting anything done today and every day for me is a day off.  and it seems like i would get used to it but to an extent it’s like both.  a day off with no responsabilities, a day off because i’m too crazy to function but am way to scared to deal with it and feel awful and guilty and self-hating.

it’s odd it does help a bit to write it.  but still i hate saying thing sout loud i’m failing at and that hurt me.  it makes them real.  and this isn’t out loud but whatever.

it is ridiculous to have our life be like that.  we never have well-earned time off, all our time off is amorphous and should be used doing the things we have to get done.  we never get to feel like we are taking a day off.  i don’t know.  it’s like it’s all time you should be doing your homework.  but not in the wayt hat makes tv that fun.

whatever.  anyway.

we are a stupid bitch who is scared about things they shouldn’t be scared about.

sometimes we wish m*riad had rock band here so we could play it more cuz we really do love it and that you can both play at the same time.  i don’t know we are stupid.  we wish we had money so we could maybe help pay and get use it more or whatever we are so STUPID don’t SAY THAT you stupid bitch

ugh, people are so rude.  anyway,

okay this is crazy but whatever

i think we got triggered by like the demon stuff or satanic stuff in suffer the child and we looked thru our flickr and found this drawing

um, demons

um, demons

i don’t know our leg shook alot and we realized it was actually called demons which was wierd but whatever.  anyway, we are crazy but we feel like something is coming up.  like a time or something.  not an event really ut a time.  i don’t know.

anyway, we think we maybe got triggered by the phrase “the father” in the book.  and, um, coincidentally we checked our mom folder (because we were looking for an email so we could remember when something happened) and there was a new email with a little story abaout her dad that was i don’t know cute and quirky and told with that same kind of wonderment and lack of pretense or clear motivation.  and i was like looking for what could be a cue and i realized she kept using the phrase “my father” over and over, even tho it was a bit reppetetive and awkward.

mom and dad both write tthese emails that are kind of like little stories but just told in this kind of wondering voice without like a clear style or purpose.  i always find them very disarming.  the stories are kind of wandering and pointless, but short, and something makes them interesting, perhaps just who is telling them.  whatever.  here it is:

——————————————————————-

subject: tidbit about my father

While we were all watching the first ever televised Presidential debate
(between Kennedy and Nixon), my father said “Kennedy has a much better
suit.”

I thought this was very out of character for my father

———————————————————

mom and dad both write tthese emails that are kind of like little stories but just told in this kind of wondering voice without like a clear style or purpose.  i always find them very disarming but i don’t know why.  they seem unpretentious to me.  like they are really confiding in me or telling me something.

i know the email triggered us.  it was just, odd.  all of these things we came across.  we looked at these pictures of ourselves on twitter i mean flickr and it was like ohhh that is like us or something that is all us like the people in that picture are me or like ar epart of this system.  i guess i don’t really get what that means.

but like there is something to the idea of thinking there is a separate person there who is doing things that you are actually doing.  i don’t know.  i guess that seems like the ultimate form of projection in an odd way and that seems very us.

s*ef’s parents lent/gave her this awesome book they read it was a murder mystery but it was REALLY good and had these paintings of women who were dead and like this girl and her twin who dissappeared and the killer was a MULTIPLE who didn’t even know and had been molested by his mother and father and brothers.  it was a food book.  it’s called dead sleep.

i am a bad girl.

i don’t know that picture seems.  it’s from a long time ago.  i just don’t get a lot of clear pictures i don’t understand at all but still see pretty clearly.  and it seems to maybe strike something now.  i don’t know (gymnasium at st. ann’s). help i want to die.

i think there is somtething wrong with me and that there are a lot of people here and that is uncomfortable and scary and unnerving and too much.  i don’t know if i can handle it

sometimes i wish things made sense and sometimes i am really happy that they don’t

i just know i’m doing everything wrong every second over and over

our overwhelming feeling with our mother always is sadness because she hurts so much and has so little support.  guilt that we can’t and don’t fix it.  fear that she will come find us.  fear that she is being punished because we have disappeared.

i have this incredibly wierd idea like e*a was like killed and like replaced with a different e*a which is insane even tho it feels true and i kind of know the difference becayse e*a was so different when we were little but i am insane i am so insane i am so insane i am so insane i should be asleep but i am a worthless bitch and am ruining tomorrow by not sleeping today

but whatever who says tomorrow would be more productive or whatever.  or just whatever i can only do what i can do.  the ideal is a fallacy.  it is bullshit, as irrelevent as anything.

it rains and i am scared that she will die

i am insane about this princess in the canopy bed i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am  insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane

i thiknk i want to kill myself.  the puzzle pieces are not coming together.  they are not.

playing guitar feels different lately

we haven’t done it for a *while* really, it just stopped feeling like something we had to do, like something that just felt good to do, now it feels scary and pressuresome.  maybe cuz we feel bad for not having done it for so long.  but it’s omething else.  with our head and maybe the tightness in our chest.

point/counterpoint

what we are supposed to be doing: our paperwork

what we are actually doing: looking at the bed, bath, and beyond website cuz we got a $10 off $30 coupon in the mail

what a fucking jerk.

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