plus

i am clearly trying not to deal with stuff since i have been obsessively downloading tv shows and have made my way thru the office (both us and uk), scrubs, most of family guy, and am working my way thru seinfeld now (3 seasons in out of 9). i have cleaned a little. i wrote a song. you know, a lot of things. clearly i am distracting. and i think i am using the m*riad thing too to do that. if i can save them then i don’t have to save myselves.
i think maybe i am actually starting to learn you can’t save anyone but yourself. not just like you shouldn’t or it’s unhealthy, but like you can’t. and i think that is more unbearable than failing because at least then you had a chance.
i am trying to learn and to grow. i think crisis is one of the few times when learning is right in front of you. i don’t know. i want to die. i want to die.
this finger stuff on our right hand (which is, incidentally, our mom’s half of the body we suspect). but whatever. it is all craziness and we are crazy and bad and wrong.
i swear it’s spreading over our hand like a glove or a liquid and up our right arm and it is warm i am crazy and it goes into my shoulder i am crazy i am crazy i am crazy
in crisis there is opportunity to learn in crisis there is opportunity to learn in crisis there is opportunity to learn gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try
maybe it’s the time of year for distracting and running away from yourself. except e*a. though trying to take care of me is i guess the same thing. i wonder how many people have this problem? maybe just me. yep. i am bad and my fingers are so not tender but like raw almost. everything is pinpricks i see beleevue square the music box store across from … sbarro? we went there with mommy we wet there with mommy we went there with mommy we went there with mommy we went there with mommy it has almost like balconies with the walkways upstairs like in the ballrooms in our dreams in our dreams in our dreams

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we are pretty sure m*riad thinks we are too much work

it’s too much work to make our pleasers feel useful, it’s too much work to process, it’s too much work to deal with our triggers.  i don’t know.  it’s a tough thing for us.  our whole body tightens and gets cold our head detaches and floats like a balloon.  we play katamari to ignore the feeling.  it is definitely one of the scariest.  we just sit and sift when we can and try to catch the threads and figure out what we are feeling and

lots of distraction of katamari today.  lots of smoke.  not much remembered now.  we feel very alone.  alone and sad and scared.

also that’s why e*in broke up with me really.  i was way too much work.  it is truly the worst thing.

just the idea that we are too much work sets our heart beating hard and fast.  it is the opposite of how we are supposed to be.  the opposite.  it is the worst thing.  it is the WORST i want to die i do i want to die i do i want to die i can’t do this i can’t do this i don’t even know what’s going on i’m just trying to hang on dammit this is too hard i want to die i am so alone and scared and alone and scared and alone and unloved and scared and alone and sad and cold and scared and alone and saf and alone adn sad and scaared and i want to die i want todie i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die we feel like we are trancing i*digo said it woulda freaked them out if kathy talked in a way too make them trance a bit even if they took them out of it and secret secret it did feel wierd and other people say all this crazy stuff about her wanting to do stuff because they are crazy and show us pictures that are not real but we are bad i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die

it took the process like over a day to run, but i think we figured out that we are scared and sad that we are too much work.  plus all the a*ron stuff, which believe me is here all over but i can’t write about it here.  yet says someone.  ever say i.

elizabeth wants to die and should die.  elizabeth wants to die and sshould die.  elizabeth wants to die and should die.  elizabeth wants to die and should die.  elizabeth wants to die and should die.  wleizabeth wants to die and should die.  elizabeth wants to die and hshould die.  every day the dreams get closer and closer to branching into here.

i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i’ve been hearing high-pitched tones for a while but i didn’t tell nobody cuz theys not real so i didn’t say i am a good girl i can be i am i can be i am.  the worst disgrace is to not be a good girl, to be a bother and be work.  it is so scary.  to not be a good girl and make everything better like a good girl does that is what she does.  that is what she does.  that is what she does that is what she does that is what she does always posed be good to be around not be work posed be good bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl then everyone will hate me everyoone will hate me they’re all against me an they’ll turn against me if i’m not good enough if i’m bad they’ll turn against me and i’ll be alone and not be able to get them back so can’t be bad can’t let them find out i’m bad can’t let them

today is scary everything is scary we feel so alone and sad and scared and it is difficult here

4 more songs

the performances i think are decent enough to give a good idea of the songs.  we wanted to do better, but we tried to be realistic because we also wanted mp3s of our songs.  we’ll record them extra special at m*riad’s sometime.

panda girl!!!!

fine

next to nothin

listerine (daddy’s song)

count to ten (wishing well song)


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