plus

i am clearly trying not to deal with stuff since i have been obsessively downloading tv shows and have made my way thru the office (both us and uk), scrubs, most of family guy, and am working my way thru seinfeld now (3 seasons in out of 9). i have cleaned a little. i wrote a song. you know, a lot of things. clearly i am distracting. and i think i am using the m*riad thing too to do that. if i can save them then i don’t have to save myselves.
i think maybe i am actually starting to learn you can’t save anyone but yourself. not just like you shouldn’t or it’s unhealthy, but like you can’t. and i think that is more unbearable than failing because at least then you had a chance.
i am trying to learn and to grow. i think crisis is one of the few times when learning is right in front of you. i don’t know. i want to die. i want to die.
this finger stuff on our right hand (which is, incidentally, our mom’s half of the body we suspect). but whatever. it is all craziness and we are crazy and bad and wrong.
i swear it’s spreading over our hand like a glove or a liquid and up our right arm and it is warm i am crazy and it goes into my shoulder i am crazy i am crazy i am crazy
in crisis there is opportunity to learn in crisis there is opportunity to learn in crisis there is opportunity to learn gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try
maybe it’s the time of year for distracting and running away from yourself. except e*a. though trying to take care of me is i guess the same thing. i wonder how many people have this problem? maybe just me. yep. i am bad and my fingers are so not tender but like raw almost. everything is pinpricks i see beleevue square the music box store across from … sbarro? we went there with mommy we wet there with mommy we went there with mommy we went there with mommy we went there with mommy it has almost like balconies with the walkways upstairs like in the ballrooms in our dreams in our dreams in our dreams

someone almost cried as we played the end of this for kathy yesterday

it’s our secret favorite i think. but i am pretty sure it is in no waay one of our best.  anyway we got wierd playing it today again.  we’re playing through all our songs.  we are crazy missed meds all left at m*riads went there they not there at a*rons got a little triggered but shouldnt called found our own meds tryin wake up not feel so drugged snd crazy and takn advantage of (who wrote that?) help help help says someone but who things are wierd not real have things do but can’t be do anything just so hazy from no drugs cept smoke hope it kicks in people enjoy playin but play fas thtings are odd and bad and scary but dont know why and it doesnt seem that bad here on the outside but who knows what is going on in the pits.

oops

things are cold now wierd now there is nothing to hold on to. i think we are a little bit jealous of m*riad cuz they still have someone to hold on to, i mean it’s all unhealthy but like we mss that and we’ve been twisting in the wind for so long. they talk aboout it like we like are in this distinctly earlier place in our healing and so we have all this time to languish but sometimes i think that things are more complex than that and that we are in different places on different things and maybe it is not so clearly one behind the other. and i guess that is why we get triggered a bit when they like talk about how they can’t take time off because like we don’t feel like we have any more time luxery than they do and we *have* to take time off and it’s not fair and we get jealous that they have the option of functionality (partial or not).
there are just things they have we lost a while ago. someone who loves them so they are never alone. like they didn’t jjust give up on their grades like we did at the beginning of college. like in some ways it feels like there are lots of ways to breakdown and ours is the most obvious but like i don’t think things are that clear. and it’s tough for us to be broken down and hear someone talk about how unacceptable it is to them to be that way. cuz it’s unacceptable to US TOO we just don’t have a choice! so some of us get mad. like it’s not fair. we’re so sick of being the fucking dysfunctional one. every. fucking. time. i guess that’s just what we do. so we have to shine in a lot of other ways to make up for it and now they’re writing songs that are great and it’s like no you can’t do that you are going to SCHOOL and working towards a career you want to be in you can’t tkae this this is like the only tangible thing we have! and we get jealous and angry.
we can’t even think about havign someone to save you from the abyss because we will die for not having one. we will die. how can you give that up? we only did because we were so triggered by s*ef we literally couldn’t be around her without being in absolute terror. but like we miss it like crazy. it SUCKS to be alone. sucks sucks sucks to make your own decisions and not have anyone’s favor to curry and know that that’s all you need to do to be okay. god we miss that. we are definitely jealous. i mean i know others say i t isn’t worht it and whatever but like we still miss it and we’re jealous they have it. who fucking wants the abyss we don’t?
i want to die and my body hurts and i’m crazy and hazy can’t think need to sotp things are har di want to die i want to die.

plus i swear to god i am having the same dream over and over and it’s a theater i think the one at fr and there’s like a show and also i’m in the audience and i need to do a part of seomthing there ‘s a a tsest i don’t kwnow it ha[peens again adn again and someddya i’ll knwo it i wail

dammit

another dream. think i woke up banging my head against the pillow over and over.  something about a hotel.  all these girls (my age) there were mad at me.  the rooms were supposed to be all of ours but i was locking all the doors and keeping them all out.  always doors i can’t get quite closed and locked in time.  they were all angry at me.  i was a bad girl.  i was trying to explain maybe.  red velvet soft place.

i do’t know what’s going on.  i just don’t know.

but what if the people had guns?

and could shoot her? mow her down with bullets driving by or through the window or roof or floor of their apartment building.  what if she couldn’t get away?  then wouldn’t you be rooting for her not to find out the information?  to save her lide?  wouldn’t that be the actual goal?

help help help i’m scare i’m scared please help me i’m scared

bad girl pretty girl bad girl brat girl hurt girl die girl theteres and the big space age conference center mall place in my dreams

help i’m scared please help me please help me please help me

for a while with noreen i was having these dreams where i would have accidentally found out this really important information and then like these 2 guys would be chasing me or a lot and it was always an official place like a business or like a government place or a sherrif’s station.  noreen thought i was maybe hiding the info from myself and getting upset at myself for finding out.  or maybe my family.

but i always spent the rest of the movie i mean dream hiding, trying to get past guards and not look suspicious, trying to pass for someone else.  it’s funny that’s how i feel around police even when i’m not doing anything illegal.  i have so many dreams where i am either almost or actually caught in possession or just spend the whole dream trying not to be.  it’s wierd.

but it’s like information i’m not supposed to have and didn’t mean to but now that i do i have to die.  which i guess is somewhat relevant to what i’m talking about here.  i thinkj insiders get exasperated when we don’t just listen to what they have to say and we demand a logical reason or some explanation of why it’s relevent.  that is so RIDICULOUS.

for me it all depends on the scenario.  how much power i’m willing to take.  how much power i can take, what the threat is to me.  if i have no control then that’s it and i switch into that mindset no hope come what will can’t fight try to be good.  but if i have enough i can fight back.  if i have all of it then i need to be sure i’m not hurting anyone.  like a big bear that accidentally claws people i am stupid and ugly

i know i am i am.  i know i am i am i know i am i am it is cold again cold cold turn up the heat turn it up cold on the right i am crazy everything is crazy we aren’t safe like in the dreams when it’s like a war but not but everything is unsafe horrible things happeneing no control just fear can’t protect self everyone around is scared like a natural disaster or an invasion and it is everyone for themselves because i can’t find e*a

we miss e*in sometimes, particularly lately.  i don’t know.  she was really funny, and caring, and the sex was really really good.  we’ll put up with a *lot* for that. and honestly we didn’t put up that much with her.  (sighs).  i don’t know, we miss her.

this is so pathetic but in this wierd way e*in was like this perfect girlfriend and friend at least in some of our minds and it wasn’t like that but we can do selective erasure and the bright moments were particualrly bright.  maybe that’s why i look for charming people so i can erase everything but the best and then it’s just a question of making the best even better even if the worst becomes much worse as a result.

which i guess is a general issue in our life, w ehadve a tendancy to erase everything but the stuff that makes us look best so then we care only about making that stuff ever.  rather than all the time, all of us,  all the non-best non-smooth non-perfect non-entertainging things we do.  i don’t know.  i’m stupid.

i just know if i were good enough he would love me and i just wish i was.  i guess that is our mantra.

e*a died or passed out or something in the dream

and we tried to give her cpr.  i don’t remember it that well.  it was in that house on the hill that i think of as victorian.

nother nightmare

god, no wonder i never want to go to sleep.  i have one every night. and they seem often quite similar.

one part a house.  lots of shrubbery and a hill keep it away from the street (like barbs?).  so far.  try to get e*a out before the people get out.  keep losing our stuff.  keep having to hide.  keep gettting caught. can’t manage to call police.  can’t get e*a to be careful enough so she (and i) can be safe.

other part at fr.  in gym.  like a dance or ceremony.  also a store?  i don’t know.  travel maybe.

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