so here i am

i’m writing so woohoo so great so well done

i… i don’t have anything i want to talk about.  i have things.  but i do not want to talk about them.  i want to talk about things that don’t make me uncomfortable, perhaps that make me look cool in some way.

so so so so so so.

so myriad and i were talking about abuse, well sexual abuse.  and being someone who is supposed to be passive vs. active.  and i really have no real info about being someone passive.  but i have a fair amount for being active.  and i think for me that’s actually very tied up in sexual abuse and being triggered and stuff.  like we were trained really well on how to make women happy.  and we did that.  a lot.  and that is still very much a mindset for us we have to deal with.  which also is nicely sidestepped by sleeping with a guy.

but anyway.  we just, we like even have all these rules about what we are supposed to do.  but it’s not… it’s not sexy for one thing.  we don’t get turned on though i guess some parts might or like enjoy it or something in some contexts but i think it is only when they are in charge which is a whole different ball park.

i really have no idea what or why or how i am writing.  i know it is late at night and we just started our period and, i don’t know.

my dad used to go on and on about how i didn’t seem to want to visit him and he didn’t understand and then finally at the end he’d do what i’d be dreading the whole time: say “well?  well, elizabeth?”

and then i’d have to respond.  say something that explained why i didn’t want to visit for as long or why i never called that didn’t show that i was scared of him and didn’t like to be around him.  because that was completely off limits.  you had to cloak your answers.

i’ve started making these little magnets that are tiny paintings on canvas.  they are cool.

blah.  anyway.  my dad would say “well, elizabeth?” and i would neer know what to say and it was the worst.

and the thing is i think a lot of my abuse has involved me being active, versus passive.  which is not to say passive as in you don’t do anything.  but i guess i think of it as how much you are supposed to initiate and like “do” yourself or something.  whatever.

like with my mom i had to actively take care of her.  like she wasn’t into punishment or like stuff like that.  she’d scream but at least later in life i screamed back.  i guess it’s probably different before and after we moved.

it’s funny, my mom gained a lot of weight after we moved here, i think coinciding with her breaking down and changing.  because she was away from dad so she was relatively safe.  i guess really just e*a and i were in danger here.  she could just give us up.  there are 2 houses, grandma’s in larchmont and barb’s in bellevue and they are together and near each other and the same and they are ball rooms and fancy things and getting dizzy.

anyway, i guess i just, i don’t get triggered into docile passivity, or rather that doesn’t worry me as much.  i get triggered into trying to actively make people happy.  and i think being active is really key.

i don’t know.  i want to die.

help i’m scared.

i think i think i think

i think i lose weight as i get more broken down, which is the opposite of my mom, who gained weight when she got more “safe”.

my dad,  my dad my dad my dad

i think weight, like messiness, can be a good protector.  a physical and emotional buffer.  funny because they are both also so stigmatized and often make people want to change to get rid of them.  i think the involuntary protectors are the most effective.  though they suck.  but you can’t fight your own wall.

i don’t know.  there are buses and hills in my dreams.  i think there is another life.  a whole other life.  and i don’t want to go back to it.  it is on a campus like my college’s.  it is.  i don’t know.  i don’t want to go back to it.  i don’t.  i don’t.  i don’t.  i don’t.  i don’t.  i don’t.  it’s not even particularly scary but it feels, unsafe.  even though i know it is a dream and so it isn’t real anyway so what does it matter but it’s like in the outer limits you hook them up to the machine make them imagine things they get so upseet they die from fear even though it’s not real

i don’t know.  i just don’t want to go back.  i don’t.  it’s just teachers and students and school.  stop it.  stop it.  none of this happened.  stupid girl.  stupid.

it’s futuristic like glassy like glass bubbles and glass and round.  i hear sounds.  are they coming?

stop.  stop.  nothing happened.  sstop.

and escalators.  and theaters. amphitheaters.  and buses and hills and transportation.  and tests and being too late and scared.

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we never play this song

close(d)

and i mean never. it is the only song unchecked in our playlist of our songs (yep, we listen to our own music, but remember, it is often not the creator who is listening, so yeah that’s different somehow).

so just back the fuck off.

i can’t even check the fucking link cuz i can’t hear it for a second.  so let me know if it isn’t work and you care (who the fuck said that little passive-aggressive comment?  sometimes i think we are the most passive-aggressive person we know, but we just think we can masque it)

stupid everything is bad and scared i want to die

okay fuck this this is enough of this

i have no idea whether this is apprpriate or not

but m*riads told me once that the only (best?) defense they had was to tell and tell and tell.  and so in that vein… i guess if it’s inappropriate i’ll find our and decide what to do from there.

so here is what i think.  i think that a lot of parts of a*ron that used to be out are locked inside.  i think they’ve been locked away for a while.  i think the part or part(s) that is keeping them locked away is doing anything and everything in his/their power to maintain that.  i think that part is very strong.  i think that part is very smart.  i do *not* meet people who are as skilled at manipulating as i am, certainly who are not also more comfortable using it in extreme and risky ways.  i do *not* meet people who have the ability to access other parts and use them to best mimic another person’s thought process and what would appeal to them.  i am impressed, perhaps above all else.

but i do think those parts are trapped.  and i don’t think they can get out while he/they is this strong.  and i think he is trapped too, whether he knows it or not.  i think the labrinth is beautiful and glamorous and relies on never seeing.  i think the songs could be about something else.

but what do i know?  i guess i think i have held the crystal ball myself and i recognise the sleight of hand.  now.  but even i am easily hypnotized.  which is why i really can’t be in contact.  it would take someone as skilled as me to fool me.  i think he is strong.

those are the things that i think.  i think i am a threat to him now that i see at least part of what’s going on.  i think that is the biggest and only real threat to the labrinth.  but it is only me.  and i was at best a side project, and probably just a bonus and perhaps someone to shore up support or at least not be an obstacle.  i don’t know really.  it is too bad i can’t talk to him.  that i am not strong enough, not aware enough or in control enough of my triggers.  it’s too bad they don’t make babel fish for that.

lots of body pains with our period but they are up up.  we sleep almost on our stomache now, which is super bad for our back.  we need to get adjusted.  we need to do a lot of things.

i also think that actively exploring these thoughts is an important part of my defense.  and that i am getting much more pain from my sides around my stomache and don’t know what’s going on.  what is going on??

help help help help says someone inside

funny stuff

i was thinking about it and i realized that wait.  i was thinking about how i have this thing about anyone telling me to stop making jokes or saying that’s not funny.  and i was thinking about how e*a and i use humor to get away from seriousness, to keep it from having a hold on us, to keep it from sucking us in.  and i was thinking about how safe passage was talking about about how in ceremonies and abuse in stuff you can’t make jokes.  and i was thinking about humor as a way of removing or difusign that tension and maybe when we get told not to do that we feel like we are being told we are bad and need to pay attention and be good or something.  i don’t know whatever.

idea for why e*a is so concerned about our safety lately

she is getting close to memories that trigger feelings that i am not safe or that i will need to kill myself.  a smart safety mechanism.  and would also explain a bit all the dreams i have about ee*a’s safety.

things are tough here.  lots of things coming up.  i try to remind myself it’s been over 2 weeks since we’ve seen kathy.  and we’re seeing her on tuesday.

it is so cold in the apartment

help help i’m scared something is going on e*a wrote emails she feels our pain alot and she understands why we need to be away and we aren’t disappointing her and she wants to know if she can help.  it is colder and colder.  colder and colder.  she is scared we are going to kill ourselves, that we are unsafe.  what is going on, we used to get seriously freaked out about that stuff when we were more functional.  i think it might be a control thing, a projection of your own lack of control.  hmmm.

it’s crazy, we jus try to let everyone put their tags in and love now that wordpress has the most popular ones at least out to choose from.  but we notice that often they pick tags and we think “well that seems excessive now they’re just picking ones for fun or just that are generic” and then we’ll be writing and what do you know it’ll be relvent.

we actually have a policy to only correct the grammer and spelling of people where we don’t think it is indicative of something about them, such as age, ability to type, fear, inability to think.  we don’t want to lose that information and frankly we are wary of any and all editing since we have an automatic tendancy to prune everything away to make us look our best.  i would say that is one of our biggest (flaws says someone) talents.  i don’t know.  things are odd right now.  we shuould eat something it is cold.  i guess the deicision of when to correct and not is it’s own bias and editing so maybe it’s all a moo point (you know, like a cow’s opinion, it just doesn’t matter)

ehy is e*a so afraid i’m gioing to kill myself.  does she know osmehting about her life that is relevent?  she told me she’s had a journal for FOUR YEARS she didn’t tell anyone about and wants to know if i’d like to read it which i definitely would tho am just like what could eb int here? does sh eknow what’s going on with me? on the x files the premise of mulder is that his sister got abducted when he was a kid and he wants to know what happened.  that’s a metaphor for the adulthood effects of child abuse if i’ve ever heard one.

bad girl i know i know she is a bad girl.

i think in a lot of ways i feel like i need to never be weak

especially show it, but even to feel it.  like i was just emailing with e*a and she was like sorry to be creepily emailing so much and i was all big sistery and like oh no i like it and i just won’t respond if i can’t but what i was REALLY thinking was oh i’m scared too you’ll think i’m bad for not emailing back so i don’t think yuo’re bad for emailing maybe you don’t htink i’m bad for emailing back?  but i coudln’t be that with e*a.  be that young and weak and stuff and like look like i need to be taken care of.  i can’t do that.  it would be mean or rude ot her soemhow. it would be bad.

scared scared we are so scared it is so cold we are so scared we don’t know what to do we have to do things we can’t we don’t know what ot do.  wow it is so scary so cold so cold back of our neck arms legs so cold so cold.

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