plus

i am clearly trying not to deal with stuff since i have been obsessively downloading tv shows and have made my way thru the office (both us and uk), scrubs, most of family guy, and am working my way thru seinfeld now (3 seasons in out of 9). i have cleaned a little. i wrote a song. you know, a lot of things. clearly i am distracting. and i think i am using the m*riad thing too to do that. if i can save them then i don’t have to save myselves.
i think maybe i am actually starting to learn you can’t save anyone but yourself. not just like you shouldn’t or it’s unhealthy, but like you can’t. and i think that is more unbearable than failing because at least then you had a chance.
i am trying to learn and to grow. i think crisis is one of the few times when learning is right in front of you. i don’t know. i want to die. i want to die.
this finger stuff on our right hand (which is, incidentally, our mom’s half of the body we suspect). but whatever. it is all craziness and we are crazy and bad and wrong.
i swear it’s spreading over our hand like a glove or a liquid and up our right arm and it is warm i am crazy and it goes into my shoulder i am crazy i am crazy i am crazy
in crisis there is opportunity to learn in crisis there is opportunity to learn in crisis there is opportunity to learn gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try
maybe it’s the time of year for distracting and running away from yourself. except e*a. though trying to take care of me is i guess the same thing. i wonder how many people have this problem? maybe just me. yep. i am bad and my fingers are so not tender but like raw almost. everything is pinpricks i see beleevue square the music box store across from … sbarro? we went there with mommy we wet there with mommy we went there with mommy we went there with mommy we went there with mommy it has almost like balconies with the walkways upstairs like in the ballrooms in our dreams in our dreams in our dreams

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