we had this talk with m*riad that got us thinking

about sex and what being a bottom or a top allows us to do. i think if we are a top than we are in charge of getting the other person off and kind of how things go in general. as a bottom, we are responsible for being as sexy as possible so that the person topping us is happy.

so that, uh, affects the sounds we can make.  like if we are a bottom, we are supposed to be a girl, or at least really feminine.  we are really not ever supposed to make guy sounds but if we are topping in certain situations it is maybe okay.

i don’t know, the rules seem pretty clear and hard (ha ha) and fast (ha ha ha) to us.  but it was interesting cuz m*riad didn’t seem to see it that way and that was interesting.  sometimes it makes things crack and like we can see whole other possibilities.

you know what’s wierd in those dreams?  a lot of times nobody cares about me or believes me but suddenly e*in is there acting like omigod i’m so great.  says someone.  that is NOT what we were going to say.  e*in thinks she is so great and better than us she does she does.  um, what the hell?

e*in should go away we hate her.  she should we do.  um, she did.  she go away we hate her.

okay i am really trying to write about something here.  okay, (flash of brooklyn near park)

okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay

help help help i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i;m scared

help help help i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scaredi i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared im’ scared i’m scaredi ‘m scared

it is not safe the people are not safe they are around it is like a party

helpp i’m scared

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stupid dream

okay, so we had a dream that appears to have really stressed us based on how we felt when we woke up.  our body hurts and feels heavy.

ugh.  how much do we not want to talk about this?  alot.  alot would be the answer.

(phew)

blah, it’d be better if we acted like we didn’t care, like it wasn’t embarrassing.

part of it was at that usual college campus or whatever with a test, and there was stuff about people not liking us, and thhere was stuff (sighs) about whoever whatever pixie was in the dream trying to suck these men’s cocks and get them to fuck her.

thank god for mpd, because it sure as hell isn’t *me* dreaming that.  fucking a.

stupid bitch.  i hate this whole thing.  but it’s easier to record when it isn’t ME.  i guess that’s kind of the underlying thing with mpd.  i know i should call it did, but i like mpd.

today we gotta talk with nymph

and it was cool and we is bad to say it but she is very cool and impressive.  she says like what we feel sometimes about how you not be a waste if someone don’t have sex with you or wanta.  and we kids some of us is like that we don’t understand any other way of bein good and bein worth people’s time cuz otherwise we leave and wonder whether we is a waste.

(secret secret)  sometimes we feel that way even with *m*r*-**d.  like if we didn’t have sex then what would they want with us?  unless we is bein super supportive or somthin but that is diferent.  like we worry they will stop loving us or have already.  also, how else can we know they like us?  that is the only real way is if we can make them happy in bed that is the only way we know.

and it’s also like if m*r**d doesn’t see us in a sexual way, even us littles sometimes, then we must be pretty unattractive and worthless.  like if we wasn’t they would want us, right?  cuz that is the only real way to want us and connect with us.

nymph said this thing like otherwise there is nothing to hold on to and we feel like that too.  like that is all we have to offer!  if they don’t want it they don’t want us if we can’t make them happy they won’t love us and we are worthless.

stupid bitchgirl.

m*r**d said like how nymph hurt the system alot and we see that but we still like her.  she is just nymph, she thinks how she thinks and we get thinking how she does.  she does what she can to make her safe and i don’t know we just think that makes sense.  but also she is not in our system so we don’t have to deal with the consequences so it’s easier for us.

i don’t know.  we is impressed cuz nymph says stuff we is afrad to say.  we can’t even admits we think that way like she does.  i don’t know.  we is so stupid.

i guess it just felt like a friend.  even tho she don’t really know us and we wasn’t out.  she is like a far-away friend who you see but doesn’t know you really but you have a friendship in your mind.

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