we are pretty sure m*riad thinks we are too much work

it’s too much work to make our pleasers feel useful, it’s too much work to process, it’s too much work to deal with our triggers.  i don’t know.  it’s a tough thing for us.  our whole body tightens and gets cold our head detaches and floats like a balloon.  we play katamari to ignore the feeling.  it is definitely one of the scariest.  we just sit and sift when we can and try to catch the threads and figure out what we are feeling and

lots of distraction of katamari today.  lots of smoke.  not much remembered now.  we feel very alone.  alone and sad and scared.

also that’s why e*in broke up with me really.  i was way too much work.  it is truly the worst thing.

just the idea that we are too much work sets our heart beating hard and fast.  it is the opposite of how we are supposed to be.  the opposite.  it is the worst thing.  it is the WORST i want to die i do i want to die i do i want to die i can’t do this i can’t do this i don’t even know what’s going on i’m just trying to hang on dammit this is too hard i want to die i am so alone and scared and alone and scared and alone and unloved and scared and alone and sad and cold and scared and alone and saf and alone adn sad and scaared and i want to die i want todie i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die we feel like we are trancing i*digo said it woulda freaked them out if kathy talked in a way too make them trance a bit even if they took them out of it and secret secret it did feel wierd and other people say all this crazy stuff about her wanting to do stuff because they are crazy and show us pictures that are not real but we are bad i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die

it took the process like over a day to run, but i think we figured out that we are scared and sad that we are too much work.  plus all the a*ron stuff, which believe me is here all over but i can’t write about it here.  yet says someone.  ever say i.

elizabeth wants to die and should die.  elizabeth wants to die and sshould die.  elizabeth wants to die and should die.  elizabeth wants to die and should die.  elizabeth wants to die and should die.  wleizabeth wants to die and should die.  elizabeth wants to die and hshould die.  every day the dreams get closer and closer to branching into here.

i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i’ve been hearing high-pitched tones for a while but i didn’t tell nobody cuz theys not real so i didn’t say i am a good girl i can be i am i can be i am.  the worst disgrace is to not be a good girl, to be a bother and be work.  it is so scary.  to not be a good girl and make everything better like a good girl does that is what she does.  that is what she does.  that is what she does that is what she does that is what she does always posed be good to be around not be work posed be good bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl then everyone will hate me everyoone will hate me they’re all against me an they’ll turn against me if i’m not good enough if i’m bad they’ll turn against me and i’ll be alone and not be able to get them back so can’t be bad can’t let them find out i’m bad can’t let them

today is scary everything is scary we feel so alone and sad and scared and it is difficult here

i am sad and small and scared

i know i am a bad girl.  i know that for sure.  i know i am bad very bad and scared.  i know things are not safe and not what they appear to be.  i know that no one is safe.  i know that i am not safe.  i know that i don’t know things and i know some of those things may be important.  i know no one cares.  i know i am alone.  i know i am bad and hated.

i think some of us think that m*riad must really hate us.  for various reasons.  because our pleasers are so unsuccessful and actually make things worse.  it is so shameful to write that.  it is so shameful.  for other reasons too. that have to do with a*ron and i can’t quite explain.

maybe i should explain about me and a*ron.  i know a*ron cuz he is m*riads ex who they used to live with up until soon after.  so now they live in our building.  we still see a*ron with m*riads.  um, he does stuff we do not agree with with m*riads and that upsets us.  and we told him.  and he wrote sumthin back thats a secret so can’t say it.  anyways we is tryin help get him to counselor.

but also he is like um on the bus once when wes alone cuz we tries never be he told us this stuff bout how he learned make multiple gotta do this stuff and trance and put im in a freezer til almost die take em out they love you forever want please you never die not a fear thing as much you are a saviour you are the one who takes away the pain and also how put m*riads in and out of trance.  so yeah.  they showed it on us maybe we tranced a little i don’t know.  it was wierd.  we are wierd and people yell we must be making this up.

i think it is tough for us that m*riad can’t be more of a support on this.  like obviously it’s super complicated and that makes sense but i guess it hurts a little for those who can’t get that and they just wish they would protect us.  butt there are so many parts and we are not dating the vast majority of them and they have their own ways of doing things and their own perspectives.  but it hurts still a little that it seems like maybe they aren’t that concerned for us or something.

i don’t know.  i think we wish for protectors.  like we told j*ga and like billie came out and like was like so mad and wanted to kill a*ron.  and it made us kind of happy a littlee, like it makes us smile even now.  and i KNOW we are bad to make comparisons but we do it anyway because we are so bad.

i guess it’s just been hard to realize that m*riad is really no more stable than we are.  or no more in control.  or something.

i don’t know.  some of us want them to be mad and like want to protect us and like take care of us and stuff and we KNOW they can’t cuz they have other stuff going on and this means lots of stuff for them and it is VERY complicated but that is still what we want because we are bad.  we want them to want to protect us and take care of us.

help help help things are so scary so scary.  kathy and i*digos and everyone was sayin a*ron like try hypnotize us or sumthin try get us sleep with him met with him and we wouldn’t even knw.

why don’t they want to protect us?  (little ones inside cry).  we must not be very loveable.  we thought isf we were loveable enough they would want to but it didn’t work.  oh well.  we are bad and in the dark.

we just wanted someone to protect us.

also our body hurts in different places and some of them are bad.  we have been so scared lately.  so scared.  they must hate us.  they must not love us.

i think the thing with a*ron doesn’t so much change how we feel as validate fears we were uncomfortable aming.  like why we won’t ever be alone with him.  except really this time on the bus.

mommy mommy why won’t you protect me?

mommy protects herself.  mommy protects herself cuz she needs it gotta be a good little girl a good little girl and help out help protect her i can do it i can be a good girl a really good girl and i can protect her and i can take daddy and i can be a good girl (smiles)  i can i can be such a good girl take good care fo mommy and daddy i can be such a good girl i can i can i swear a good girl takes care of mommy for being sad and hurt by daddy i can help i can help (smiles bigger and bites lip).  i can be such a good girl i can please let me i can i can make it all better.  this good girl makes it all better, okay?  she makes it all better.  she is a good girl in every way she can so she can make it all better she is such a good girl and she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better (was there a closet in their room?  i call it daddys room in my head)

i know how to be a good little girl i do i make people happy and make it all better.  i can make it all better i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can

shes a good girl isn’t she?  isn’t she?  she’s a good girl now right?  good girl?  she did a good job is a good girl saved mommy so mommy loves her now right?  right?  she did a good job right (eyes wet)?  dicn’t she?   she did such a good job saved mommy helped daddy made mommy all better she was such a good girl she was look at her she was such a good girl she took care of everything.  that’s what a good girl does.  she takes care of everything and i am a good girl right?  i am right?  i did good not bad?  i did good made it better?  for mommy?  i am a good girl who lvoes you and now you love me right?  then mommy holds me and loves me and i am such a good girl (smiles big, eyes wet).  then she loves me so much and i am such a good girl i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better please let me make it all better so you can love me mommy?

when will mommy love me?  mommy will love me when i’m a good girl when i take ccare of everything (flash of a corner of dad’s room).  mommy will love me then for being so good such a good girl she is such a good girl she is such a good girl.  mommy doesn’t mean for me to be hurt, she just needs to be protected.  she just needs to be protected.  she doesn’t mean it that way.  she doesn’t mean it.  she just needs help (flash of that hospial that is so light and airy and white with the room with the sunny window and the bed and i was reading a book).  she just needs help that little mommy so she needed me to make it all better like a good girl makes it all better i can be such a good girl i can watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me the good girl gets her face all wet but that just means she as a good girl clean up

she is a bad girl i think a bad girl for not doing ehr job. seh is a bad girl i think for not doing her job and protecting mommy.  she is a bad girl and a bad girl and a bad girl mommy needs her mommy needs her protection she can take it she can do it instead she can do it and be a good girl and make it all better and be a good girl and be good enough and make it all better and then be loved but then not loved so sad tried so hard all dirty face wet but she can’t love us now she hurts too much mommy hurts all the time poor mommy i can make it better with my dripping face i can be such a good willte girl i can protect her and be the best girl in the whole world in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i amd the best girl in the whoe wide world because i helped mommy and made it better i did i am a bad girl but i did it see (flash of e*a’s old room) i am a little bitch i make it better because i am so good i can make it all better

i am so good i can make it all better (smiles big especially on left side of face).  i am such a bad girl but i can be good and make it all better i can be so good i can do anything and i alway smaek it better for mommy all better so she can rest and sleep and be safe. i take care of her i am a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am see?  i am such a good girl.  i know i am cuz i di a good job but then when i don’t then i’m a bad girl and mommy won’t love me cuz she gets hurt she needs me to take care of her she does i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can protect her i can protect her i can protect her i can protect her and be a good little girl who is very good so good she is so good look how good she is takes care of everytihing like a good little girl what a good little girl someone should hug her she did such a good job she takes care of eveyrhting what a good little girl mommy loves her so much she is so good so good to mommy so good she makes everything all better what a good litttle girl she makes everything all better what a good little girl she makes everything all better what a good little girl she makes everything all better isn’t she a good girl she is right i know she is if she makes everything all bettter she can be good she can be good to daddy and make it better for mommy she can be a good girl she can be a good girl a good girl a good girl  good girl a good girl (almost remembers a flash of childhood but it slips thoruhg our graasp).  help help help we are so scared we try to be good but we are so scared and even whem we are good we are bad even when we are good we are bad we are worthless watn to die i want to die can we die so we aren’t worthless anymore please can we die and make it better (downstairs in brooklyn).

ahhh.  i’m sorry i can’t just do anymore i just can’t it is too much this pleasing mommy gotta please mommy make her happy so she’ll love us make her happy so she’ll love us make her happy so shell love us take care of her do everything do anything take carre of her protect her be a good girl you bitch be a good girl and help her out just help her out just help her out don’t be selfish she needs you you bitch don’t be selfish you are pointless and bad and horrible and a bitch and i want to die i want to die this is bad i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die

help help help help help help help help help i’m o scared but the only way for people to love you is to be good otherwise stay away stay away stay away just be good and its fine its not that heard its not that hard its not be a good girl its not that hard help mommy she needs it you are a good girl you are be a good girl she is a good girl she is a good girl she is a good girl she is a godo girl she hated me i know she did she resented me and wanted me to be hurt i know she did she needed our help she just needed us

she wanted us dead.  she hated us.  she did.  she looked at us and we saw it how she hated us and wanted us to take her pain.  we saw it.  we did.  and we’d do anything not to see it anymore.

(an odd incredible calmness, or at least relative since the typing had been so frenzied)

seems like a good place to leave it. i’m not rereading it.  hope i’m not bad.

but whatever.

truly, though, i can be quite a good girl. if you lget me.  then you love me and i am so happy and loved and loved and loved so much cuz i was a good girl such a good girl. such a good girl.

s*ef hated me when i didn’t want to sleep with her.  everything changed like lightening then we were bad it was cold and theres shocks sin the air we just wanted it to be nice so she scould lvoe us.

wow, mom really set us up as an easy mark.  i guess that’s why we stay so fucking far away from everyone, huh?  why do we keep typing, this is awwful and i want to stop.  i want to take a break and reward myself for doing so well.  i’ve been sitting the fuck around scared out of my mind trying to think when i can and see wha’ts up and hoping i’d get somewehre so i should be fucking brilliant i should be fucking proud but i’m not i’m’ scared and sad and want my mommy to love me

that’s the thing, tho. she never will.  not me.  only the good girl.  two songs we’ve been playing/watching alot:

creep (cover by brandi carlile, which is so fucking awesoem and gritty and growly)

mexican wrestler – jill sobule

plus the usual

throw it all away by brandi carlile (i love her expressions)

whatever.  everything is wierd and tough and i’m trying to figure it out and listen to peopla dn what the fuck.  i’m smoking like a fucking chimney adn my body hurts and i have eaten littel and i bought this stupid large pizza anyway and now no one wants it and we neeed to order groceries and i can’t leave the apartment or shower or anything.  i don’t know.  things are fucking ough.  i’m jealous of people who can do any kind of tangible functioning.  i am really fucking jealous.  i am such a pathetic loser.  and blah it’s my emergency period but it still fucking sucks.  it fucking sucks to be totally disfunctional you know that.  it just sucks and i am really fucking tired of it but whatever tehere is nothing i can do i want to die i want to die i want to die iw ant ot die i want to die i want to die

mom couldn’t rotect us after we moved, we had to negotiate all our visitation and stuff with him.  i guess there’s no reason to think she could have in brooklyn.  i mean, he was a scary guy and she lived with him and couldn’t even protect herself.  she did the best she could.  she ahd her own apartment place for being sometimes it was filled iwth stuuff and messy and stuff i don’t remember it will.  i need to stop typing this is bullshit i need to stop i can’t do this anything anymore my heart is going to burts why cn’t i stop i can’t do this i am blocking it out with smoek and video right

NOW

okay, this is a seriously embarassing entry, but i’m going to write it anyway

so m*tt was here (already you can tell this is a teenager or preteen) and we just, wow this is seriously more embarassing than i thought it would be.  it is so odd what is embarassing for us.  i guess all or almost all admissions of embarassment, guilt, and/or shame.

blah okay.  so i am supposed to write this EVEN THO it is embarassing which makes NO sense to me but people say that friends are nicer to us than we are and strangers are nicer than friends.  or more irrelevent.  they can’t hurt you in the same way.  there’s nothing to lose.

wow we are really avoiding here, huh?  yep.  okay.  so.  ok.  so.  ok, i am just going to write this okay?  i’m just going to write it and you’re going to read it and that will be the end of it all.

i got a ps2 today w/ controllers and all for $60 on cl and it has it’s own screen but we can’t play that yet but can on the tv and we love it ist is for thhe kids if not the littles and wes are the good ones at it

we feel very alone.  unloved by those we love and scared of those that love us.  that is a pretty good sum up of how it is.

wow.  this is really embarassing.  okay.  okay.  okay.  people say it will be nicer after we write it

okay i marked it private and people calmed down and we’ll unmark it later if we have to.

we think m*tt has fallen out of love with us and thinks we are clingy (someone i think a little mispronounced it as kinky and i think he more knows that than thinks it tho i guess both are true).  we feel like we depend on him too much.  that he is too much of our world but we have serious fears getting in the way of seeing other people.  it is ridiculous how sexually threatened we are by like everybody sometimes.  and we just never know when it’s going to happen so we hide away.  we actually make a specific effort to usually be in groups of 3 or more because that feels much less threatening.  which i know makes us awful and horrible and a total bitch but whatever what do i care?

we try very hard to always be at least the minimum appropriate amount of graciousness.

okay, this is privated so we can say anything we want.  anything.  so m*tt’s lip or rather inside is in major pain and he even told us that and we (smiles just remembering this) totally forgot probably cuz borderlines came out or switched maybe during an office episode.

but we just.  wow this is super embarassing.  i don’t know why.  even on private.  people like keep checking to make sure it’s private.  worthless bitch.

we just we felt a little like he was an older guy like he was all cool and we were just all eager to spend any time with him at all and it is so wierd because it’s like not what was going on before it really is like entering a scene.  buffy actually does an episode that illustrates that feeling really well.  like how you can suddenly be like in a scene with someone and it’s real but everything has changed.

i don’t know.  i am trying not to say bad things and mess it up with m*riad and so they leave us cuz they don’t love us anymore and is tired of us.

and like even tho rationally we get that things are totally different to us it feels like rejection like they are tierd of us even if given our own thought swe’d prefer to be alone too that is the craziness of it.

but like before they were leaving they kept stopping a bit and talking then moving a bit and i’d move  bit towards the door and they sat by the door for a bit (god i am so stupid)  and it felt *wow this is embarassing* like a date or something like awkward or nervous or like the energy of like when you don’t know someone that well and you can like keep getting sucked into conversation when you’re like walking out the door i don’t know i am such a loser i am such a complete loser i am such a loser i am such a complete loser whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever

aren’t my hang-ups wierd?  i think they’re wierd.

maybe we just have a response to someone wanting to leave that we want them to stay and feel rejected.  maybe that’s the trigger like when they said they could watch one more episode than that’s it and i bet that triggered it then we WANT them to stay it is so stupid we are so stupid i hate us i hate us i want to beat us about the head i hate us

we are so stupid to want that to want more than people can give to think about m*riad so much i bet they don’t think about us nearly as much and we are bad to write ALL OF THIS we are so bad and worthless and worthless and worthless and worthless and worthless and worthless and pathetic and clingy and overeager

overeager is bad. clingy is bad.  can’t ever be too much want to much it is embarasing it is so embarasing. i want to die it is so embarasing it is so embarasing how can we write these things where people will read them there is something wrong with us we are bad bad bad people we are so bad and worthless and hateable and worthless and hareable and worthless and hateable and worthless and hateable and worthless and hateable i am hateable and worthless and hateable even tho rationally we know that is not how it is we can’t change how we feel we is so bad and pathetic i want to die we is so pathertic i want to die we is pathetic i want to die we is so pathetic we is we is iwant to die i want to die body is tensing head hurting all day neck back body hurts tired headache spreads to front so much tension want to die i do i do i do i do i do help help help help

sometimes it feels like the only thing i need is for m*riad to love me and everything will be okay and that is the most shameful of all.  and blah blah they do so clearly that is a fallacy but whatever that is how it feels and i don’t care i know i’m bad and worthless and a bitch and pathetic and horrible and should die but i said it anyway because i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me

it’s because she is still seeing mom

she is still seeing her.  she is the favorite.  she is the channel for her energy.  i am picking it up off of e*a.  i swear if she weren’t talking to her it would be different.  but i guess she’d be in a different place but she is on that side not conscoiously but the energy is in her it is it is it is it is the tension of holding it all in and functioning while being pretty crazy

i am not just projecting, so fuck you

even if it’s part of it it is more she IS seeing mom and i swear it affects her i swear i hear mom in her voice in her emails i hhear i hear i hear it i hear i hear i hear it i hear i hear i hear it iehear it i do ido i do ido id o the looking i do i see it a princess i see it i do the looking i see it i do

help help help help help help help help help help help help help she is a princess she is but she is lie younger ut also bigger it is wierd she is in pink things sparkle i can see her clearly i am insane and bad i am so bad i am so bad i am so bad i am so bad i want to die

someone inside says something horrible like kiss her knock our head against the wall knock our head against the wall knock our head against the wall knock our head against the wall knock our head against the wall

bad girl bad girl bang our head agains tthe galss til it satters break dissappear we sisapear bang our head against the glass we dissappear forever we do forever we die we dissappear and we die and it is good then it is good let us die and dissappear now so it doesn’t hurt anymore let it die let us die let us die it would be so peaceful so calm let us please it would feel so good let us please die then everything would be okay it would all be okay that’s all we need to do let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let ud die let ud die let us die let us die let us die let us die

i want to die i want to go to sleep and never wake up i want to die so it doesn’t hurt anymore it would be soft and sweet and warm and gone everything gone it would be so nice we get calm just thinking about it die never have to worry again die and it’s all better goes away is all better can die would be so nice so quick just do it just do it just do it just do it judt do it it’s quick then it’s done just do it it’s quick thenit’s done just do it it’s quick then it’s done jus tdo it it’s qucik then it’s done just do it its quick then it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done

when the buggers came on the ships they just disected the humans alive because they didn’t think of them as important cuz they weren’t the queen and they communicate telepathically so they didn’t even know the humans were talking to them there was nothing they could do but die that’s why it’s important to have a cyanide capsule  but don’t take it too soon  but be sure you have it so they can’t torture you forever always have one always have one

help help help someone is really scared  and we hear that brandi song that’s like something deep as the sea goes something and walk away (we hear more wordish things but can’t capture them, we hear the singing perfectly, doesn’t everyone?)  i am an edges and a bad one and eva bought food for us gonna leave it by our door wes gotta go out today so scared but gotta do it bitch gotta

we had this talk with m*riad that got us thinking

about sex and what being a bottom or a top allows us to do. i think if we are a top than we are in charge of getting the other person off and kind of how things go in general. as a bottom, we are responsible for being as sexy as possible so that the person topping us is happy.

so that, uh, affects the sounds we can make.  like if we are a bottom, we are supposed to be a girl, or at least really feminine.  we are really not ever supposed to make guy sounds but if we are topping in certain situations it is maybe okay.

i don’t know, the rules seem pretty clear and hard (ha ha) and fast (ha ha ha) to us.  but it was interesting cuz m*riad didn’t seem to see it that way and that was interesting.  sometimes it makes things crack and like we can see whole other possibilities.

you know what’s wierd in those dreams?  a lot of times nobody cares about me or believes me but suddenly e*in is there acting like omigod i’m so great.  says someone.  that is NOT what we were going to say.  e*in thinks she is so great and better than us she does she does.  um, what the hell?

e*in should go away we hate her.  she should we do.  um, she did.  she go away we hate her.

okay i am really trying to write about something here.  okay, (flash of brooklyn near park)

okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay

help help help i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i;m scared

help help help i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scaredi i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared im’ scared i’m scaredi ‘m scared

it is not safe the people are not safe they are around it is like a party

helpp i’m scared

okay this is crazy but whatever

i think we got triggered by like the demon stuff or satanic stuff in suffer the child and we looked thru our flickr and found this drawing

um, demons

um, demons

i don’t know our leg shook alot and we realized it was actually called demons which was wierd but whatever.  anyway, we are crazy but we feel like something is coming up.  like a time or something.  not an event really ut a time.  i don’t know.

anyway, we think we maybe got triggered by the phrase “the father” in the book.  and, um, coincidentally we checked our mom folder (because we were looking for an email so we could remember when something happened) and there was a new email with a little story abaout her dad that was i don’t know cute and quirky and told with that same kind of wonderment and lack of pretense or clear motivation.  and i was like looking for what could be a cue and i realized she kept using the phrase “my father” over and over, even tho it was a bit reppetetive and awkward.

mom and dad both write tthese emails that are kind of like little stories but just told in this kind of wondering voice without like a clear style or purpose.  i always find them very disarming.  the stories are kind of wandering and pointless, but short, and something makes them interesting, perhaps just who is telling them.  whatever.  here it is:

——————————————————————-

subject: tidbit about my father

While we were all watching the first ever televised Presidential debate
(between Kennedy and Nixon), my father said “Kennedy has a much better
suit.”

I thought this was very out of character for my father

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mom and dad both write tthese emails that are kind of like little stories but just told in this kind of wondering voice without like a clear style or purpose.  i always find them very disarming but i don’t know why.  they seem unpretentious to me.  like they are really confiding in me or telling me something.

i know the email triggered us.  it was just, odd.  all of these things we came across.  we looked at these pictures of ourselves on twitter i mean flickr and it was like ohhh that is like us or something that is all us like the people in that picture are me or like ar epart of this system.  i guess i don’t really get what that means.

but like there is something to the idea of thinking there is a separate person there who is doing things that you are actually doing.  i don’t know.  i guess that seems like the ultimate form of projection in an odd way and that seems very us.

s*ef’s parents lent/gave her this awesome book they read it was a murder mystery but it was REALLY good and had these paintings of women who were dead and like this girl and her twin who dissappeared and the killer was a MULTIPLE who didn’t even know and had been molested by his mother and father and brothers.  it was a food book.  it’s called dead sleep.

i am a bad girl.

i don’t know that picture seems.  it’s from a long time ago.  i just don’t get a lot of clear pictures i don’t understand at all but still see pretty clearly.  and it seems to maybe strike something now.  i don’t know (gymnasium at st. ann’s). help i want to die.

i think there is somtething wrong with me and that there are a lot of people here and that is uncomfortable and scary and unnerving and too much.  i don’t know if i can handle it

sometimes i wish things made sense and sometimes i am really happy that they don’t

i just know i’m doing everything wrong every second over and over

our overwhelming feeling with our mother always is sadness because she hurts so much and has so little support.  guilt that we can’t and don’t fix it.  fear that she will come find us.  fear that she is being punished because we have disappeared.

i have this incredibly wierd idea like e*a was like killed and like replaced with a different e*a which is insane even tho it feels true and i kind of know the difference becayse e*a was so different when we were little but i am insane i am so insane i am so insane i am so insane i should be asleep but i am a worthless bitch and am ruining tomorrow by not sleeping today

but whatever who says tomorrow would be more productive or whatever.  or just whatever i can only do what i can do.  the ideal is a fallacy.  it is bullshit, as irrelevent as anything.

it rains and i am scared that she will die

i am insane about this princess in the canopy bed i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am  insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane i am insane

i thiknk i want to kill myself.  the puzzle pieces are not coming together.  they are not.

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