so here i am

i’m writing so woohoo so great so well done

i… i don’t have anything i want to talk about.  i have things.  but i do not want to talk about them.  i want to talk about things that don’t make me uncomfortable, perhaps that make me look cool in some way.

so so so so so so.

so myriad and i were talking about abuse, well sexual abuse.  and being someone who is supposed to be passive vs. active.  and i really have no real info about being someone passive.  but i have a fair amount for being active.  and i think for me that’s actually very tied up in sexual abuse and being triggered and stuff.  like we were trained really well on how to make women happy.  and we did that.  a lot.  and that is still very much a mindset for us we have to deal with.  which also is nicely sidestepped by sleeping with a guy.

but anyway.  we just, we like even have all these rules about what we are supposed to do.  but it’s not… it’s not sexy for one thing.  we don’t get turned on though i guess some parts might or like enjoy it or something in some contexts but i think it is only when they are in charge which is a whole different ball park.

i really have no idea what or why or how i am writing.  i know it is late at night and we just started our period and, i don’t know.

my dad used to go on and on about how i didn’t seem to want to visit him and he didn’t understand and then finally at the end he’d do what i’d be dreading the whole time: say “well?  well, elizabeth?”

and then i’d have to respond.  say something that explained why i didn’t want to visit for as long or why i never called that didn’t show that i was scared of him and didn’t like to be around him.  because that was completely off limits.  you had to cloak your answers.

i’ve started making these little magnets that are tiny paintings on canvas.  they are cool.

blah.  anyway.  my dad would say “well, elizabeth?” and i would neer know what to say and it was the worst.

and the thing is i think a lot of my abuse has involved me being active, versus passive.  which is not to say passive as in you don’t do anything.  but i guess i think of it as how much you are supposed to initiate and like “do” yourself or something.  whatever.

like with my mom i had to actively take care of her.  like she wasn’t into punishment or like stuff like that.  she’d scream but at least later in life i screamed back.  i guess it’s probably different before and after we moved.

it’s funny, my mom gained a lot of weight after we moved here, i think coinciding with her breaking down and changing.  because she was away from dad so she was relatively safe.  i guess really just e*a and i were in danger here.  she could just give us up.  there are 2 houses, grandma’s in larchmont and barb’s in bellevue and they are together and near each other and the same and they are ball rooms and fancy things and getting dizzy.

anyway, i guess i just, i don’t get triggered into docile passivity, or rather that doesn’t worry me as much.  i get triggered into trying to actively make people happy.  and i think being active is really key.

i don’t know.  i want to die.

help i’m scared.

i think i think i think

i think i lose weight as i get more broken down, which is the opposite of my mom, who gained weight when she got more “safe”.

my dad,  my dad my dad my dad

i think weight, like messiness, can be a good protector.  a physical and emotional buffer.  funny because they are both also so stigmatized and often make people want to change to get rid of them.  i think the involuntary protectors are the most effective.  though they suck.  but you can’t fight your own wall.

i don’t know.  there are buses and hills in my dreams.  i think there is another life.  a whole other life.  and i don’t want to go back to it.  it is on a campus like my college’s.  it is.  i don’t know.  i don’t want to go back to it.  i don’t.  i don’t.  i don’t.  i don’t.  i don’t.  i don’t.  it’s not even particularly scary but it feels, unsafe.  even though i know it is a dream and so it isn’t real anyway so what does it matter but it’s like in the outer limits you hook them up to the machine make them imagine things they get so upseet they die from fear even though it’s not real

i don’t know.  i just don’t want to go back.  i don’t.  it’s just teachers and students and school.  stop it.  stop it.  none of this happened.  stupid girl.  stupid.

it’s futuristic like glassy like glass bubbles and glass and round.  i hear sounds.  are they coming?

stop.  stop.  nothing happened.  sstop.

and escalators.  and theaters. amphitheaters.  and buses and hills and transportation.  and tests and being too late and scared.

purchased on ebay in the last 24-48 hours

  • 1/2 lb (2000-3000 stones) of blue lace agate: $10 ($5 + $5 for shipping)
  • 1/2 lb (~120 stones) of small advanturine: ~$5 ($1.84 for the stones plus a combined shipping discount with the blue lace agate, supra.)
  • 5 lithium ion batteries for imac remote and digital drug scale: $2.99 (free shipping)
  • SNES analog audio/video cable (so i can play alladin or sell the system): $5.30 ($1.49 for the cable, $3.80 for shipping)

not having to go out into the world and deal with people and the cold:

priceless

i don’t htink these tags have anythign to do with anything.  i want a big sheet with a little checkbox next to each one of my tags so i can check the ones that are relevent and have them added, not just the most popular ones.

we cried for the first third of our session with kathy

and it isn’t any of anyone’s *fucking* business what we talked about so back the fuck off. i know it is the secret itself that creates the situation. but still. some things cannot be admitted outside of therapy to someone who you are paying not to be judgmental and is required by law to keep it confidential.
i want to die. i do. that is just true. kathy says i don’t have to. kathy says there is redemption and atonement. kathy says a lot of things that make us feel nice if they are true. kathy is a nice person. i don’t know. things are not good here and it could blow apart and thered be glass everywhere we are eating a dark chocolate dove promise it is tasty we like it we like to be good we want to be good so we can make this all go away we want to be good so we can make this all GO AWAY
we want this all to go away

i don’t even know what i’m scared of

but i am petrified.  of everything.  of everyone.  i just, i cnat. people want to much they always do they always do and you can’t say no and there are no boundaries at all.  i am so scared of everyone.  coming near.  needing me.  needing too much of me and you can’t say no you can’t and it’s like arms grabbing and you can’t say no

i don’t know i want to die

Protected: we saw m*riad tonight

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i have no idea whether this is apprpriate or not

but m*riads told me once that the only (best?) defense they had was to tell and tell and tell.  and so in that vein… i guess if it’s inappropriate i’ll find our and decide what to do from there.

so here is what i think.  i think that a lot of parts of a*ron that used to be out are locked inside.  i think they’ve been locked away for a while.  i think the part or part(s) that is keeping them locked away is doing anything and everything in his/their power to maintain that.  i think that part is very strong.  i think that part is very smart.  i do *not* meet people who are as skilled at manipulating as i am, certainly who are not also more comfortable using it in extreme and risky ways.  i do *not* meet people who have the ability to access other parts and use them to best mimic another person’s thought process and what would appeal to them.  i am impressed, perhaps above all else.

but i do think those parts are trapped.  and i don’t think they can get out while he/they is this strong.  and i think he is trapped too, whether he knows it or not.  i think the labrinth is beautiful and glamorous and relies on never seeing.  i think the songs could be about something else.

but what do i know?  i guess i think i have held the crystal ball myself and i recognise the sleight of hand.  now.  but even i am easily hypnotized.  which is why i really can’t be in contact.  it would take someone as skilled as me to fool me.  i think he is strong.

those are the things that i think.  i think i am a threat to him now that i see at least part of what’s going on.  i think that is the biggest and only real threat to the labrinth.  but it is only me.  and i was at best a side project, and probably just a bonus and perhaps someone to shore up support or at least not be an obstacle.  i don’t know really.  it is too bad i can’t talk to him.  that i am not strong enough, not aware enough or in control enough of my triggers.  it’s too bad they don’t make babel fish for that.

lots of body pains with our period but they are up up.  we sleep almost on our stomache now, which is super bad for our back.  we need to get adjusted.  we need to do a lot of things.

i also think that actively exploring these thoughts is an important part of my defense.  and that i am getting much more pain from my sides around my stomache and don’t know what’s going on.  what is going on??

help help help help says someone inside

it’s so easy

you make them happy.  then they make you happy.  and you both need each other, so you both need to do it.  so it makes sense.  so it works.  like with mommy.  that is just how it works.

so scareded right now want go sleep want die want stop can’t do this so fake so fake so fake you bithc you bitch you bitch who do you think you are like you know anything you know nothing you know nothing you bitch putting on airs acting like you know things shut the fuck up before no one likes you you bitch i am going to kill you

i guess the wanting versushaving is like the kids who want to be married and so are like always talking to m*riad about how we are married but they don’t actually mean married they mean loving each other and that means like snuggling close and feeling loved but they call it married but m*riad gets that but s*ef didn’t cuz she actually *Wanted* to get married.  so the kids are somewhat frustrated by not being actually married, but actually they enjoy just saying it and being it their way.  i don’t know.  it’s just nice.  it’s nice m*riad gets that it doesn’t mean married like other people think.  that they don’t want what they’re actually asking for.  i don’t know.  i guess we picked someone who didn’t want to get married so we wouldn’t have to worry about them getting free and wreaking legal havoc.

it’s like m*riad gets they want that feeling of being veryvery loved.  and that’s the only way to know how to get to it to say they are married to m*riad so they are in love forever.  but that’s not actually what they want.  they want the love.  they just want the love.

and, sadly, i guess what they really want is safety and security only insiders can provide.  or what they really need.  what bull shit.

what total bull shit.

help help help i’m scared syas osmeone inside.

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