so here i am

i’m writing so woohoo so great so well done

i… i don’t have anything i want to talk about.  i have things.  but i do not want to talk about them.  i want to talk about things that don’t make me uncomfortable, perhaps that make me look cool in some way.

so so so so so so.

so myriad and i were talking about abuse, well sexual abuse.  and being someone who is supposed to be passive vs. active.  and i really have no real info about being someone passive.  but i have a fair amount for being active.  and i think for me that’s actually very tied up in sexual abuse and being triggered and stuff.  like we were trained really well on how to make women happy.  and we did that.  a lot.  and that is still very much a mindset for us we have to deal with.  which also is nicely sidestepped by sleeping with a guy.

but anyway.  we just, we like even have all these rules about what we are supposed to do.  but it’s not… it’s not sexy for one thing.  we don’t get turned on though i guess some parts might or like enjoy it or something in some contexts but i think it is only when they are in charge which is a whole different ball park.

i really have no idea what or why or how i am writing.  i know it is late at night and we just started our period and, i don’t know.

my dad used to go on and on about how i didn’t seem to want to visit him and he didn’t understand and then finally at the end he’d do what i’d be dreading the whole time: say “well?  well, elizabeth?”

and then i’d have to respond.  say something that explained why i didn’t want to visit for as long or why i never called that didn’t show that i was scared of him and didn’t like to be around him.  because that was completely off limits.  you had to cloak your answers.

i’ve started making these little magnets that are tiny paintings on canvas.  they are cool.

blah.  anyway.  my dad would say “well, elizabeth?” and i would neer know what to say and it was the worst.

and the thing is i think a lot of my abuse has involved me being active, versus passive.  which is not to say passive as in you don’t do anything.  but i guess i think of it as how much you are supposed to initiate and like “do” yourself or something.  whatever.

like with my mom i had to actively take care of her.  like she wasn’t into punishment or like stuff like that.  she’d scream but at least later in life i screamed back.  i guess it’s probably different before and after we moved.

it’s funny, my mom gained a lot of weight after we moved here, i think coinciding with her breaking down and changing.  because she was away from dad so she was relatively safe.  i guess really just e*a and i were in danger here.  she could just give us up.  there are 2 houses, grandma’s in larchmont and barb’s in bellevue and they are together and near each other and the same and they are ball rooms and fancy things and getting dizzy.

anyway, i guess i just, i don’t get triggered into docile passivity, or rather that doesn’t worry me as much.  i get triggered into trying to actively make people happy.  and i think being active is really key.

i don’t know.  i want to die.

help i’m scared.

i think i think i think

i think i lose weight as i get more broken down, which is the opposite of my mom, who gained weight when she got more “safe”.

my dad,  my dad my dad my dad

i think weight, like messiness, can be a good protector.  a physical and emotional buffer.  funny because they are both also so stigmatized and often make people want to change to get rid of them.  i think the involuntary protectors are the most effective.  though they suck.  but you can’t fight your own wall.

i don’t know.  there are buses and hills in my dreams.  i think there is another life.  a whole other life.  and i don’t want to go back to it.  it is on a campus like my college’s.  it is.  i don’t know.  i don’t want to go back to it.  i don’t.  i don’t.  i don’t.  i don’t.  i don’t.  i don’t.  it’s not even particularly scary but it feels, unsafe.  even though i know it is a dream and so it isn’t real anyway so what does it matter but it’s like in the outer limits you hook them up to the machine make them imagine things they get so upseet they die from fear even though it’s not real

i don’t know.  i just don’t want to go back.  i don’t.  it’s just teachers and students and school.  stop it.  stop it.  none of this happened.  stupid girl.  stupid.

it’s futuristic like glassy like glass bubbles and glass and round.  i hear sounds.  are they coming?

stop.  stop.  nothing happened.  sstop.

and escalators.  and theaters. amphitheaters.  and buses and hills and transportation.  and tests and being too late and scared.

purchased on ebay in the last 24-48 hours

• 1/2 lb (2000-3000 stones) of blue lace agate: $10 ($5 + $5 for shipping)
• 1/2 lb (~120 stones) of small advanturine: ~$5 ($1.84 for the stones plus a combined shipping discount with the blue lace agate, supra.)
• 5 lithium ion batteries for imac remote and digital drug scale: $2.99 (free shipping)
• SNES analog audio/video cable (so i can play alladin or sell the system): $5.30 ($1.49 for the cable, $3.80 for shipping)

not having to go out into the world and deal with people and the cold:

priceless

i don’t htink these tags have anythign to do with anything.  i want a big sheet with a little checkbox next to each one of my tags so i can check the ones that are relevent and have them added, not just the most popular ones.

we cried for the first third of our session with kathy

and it isn’t any of anyone’s *fucking* business what we talked about so back the fuck off. i know it is the secret itself that creates the situation. but still. some things cannot be admitted outside of therapy to someone who you are paying not to be judgmental and is required by law to keep it confidential.
i want to die. i do. that is just true. kathy says i don’t have to. kathy says there is redemption and atonement. kathy says a lot of things that make us feel nice if they are true. kathy is a nice person. i don’t know. things are not good here and it could blow apart and thered be glass everywhere we are eating a dark chocolate dove promise it is tasty we like it we like to be good we want to be good so we can make this all go away we want to be good so we can make this all GO AWAY
we want this all to go away

i don’t even know what i’m scared of

but i am petrified.  of everything.  of everyone.  i just, i cnat. people want to much they always do they always do and you can’t say no and there are no boundaries at all.  i am so scared of everyone.  coming near.  needing me.  needing too much of me and you can’t say no you can’t and it’s like arms grabbing and you can’t say no

i don’t know i want to die

Protected: we saw m*riad tonight

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i have no idea whether this is apprpriate or not

but m*riads told me once that the only (best?) defense they had was to tell and tell and tell.  and so in that vein… i guess if it’s inappropriate i’ll find our and decide what to do from there.

so here is what i think.  i think that a lot of parts of a*ron that used to be out are locked inside.  i think they’ve been locked away for a while.  i think the part or part(s) that is keeping them locked away is doing anything and everything in his/their power to maintain that.  i think that part is very strong.  i think that part is very smart.  i do *not* meet people who are as skilled at manipulating as i am, certainly who are not also more comfortable using it in extreme and risky ways.  i do *not* meet people who have the ability to access other parts and use them to best mimic another person’s thought process and what would appeal to them.  i am impressed, perhaps above all else.

but i do think those parts are trapped.  and i don’t think they can get out while he/they is this strong.  and i think he is trapped too, whether he knows it or not.  i think the labrinth is beautiful and glamorous and relies on never seeing.  i think the songs could be about something else.

but what do i know?  i guess i think i have held the crystal ball myself and i recognise the sleight of hand.  now.  but even i am easily hypnotized.  which is why i really can’t be in contact.  it would take someone as skilled as me to fool me.  i think he is strong.

those are the things that i think.  i think i am a threat to him now that i see at least part of what’s going on.  i think that is the biggest and only real threat to the labrinth.  but it is only me.  and i was at best a side project, and probably just a bonus and perhaps someone to shore up support or at least not be an obstacle.  i don’t know really.  it is too bad i can’t talk to him.  that i am not strong enough, not aware enough or in control enough of my triggers.  it’s too bad they don’t make babel fish for that.

lots of body pains with our period but they are up up.  we sleep almost on our stomache now, which is super bad for our back.  we need to get adjusted.  we need to do a lot of things.

i also think that actively exploring these thoughts is an important part of my defense.  and that i am getting much more pain from my sides around my stomache and don’t know what’s going on.  what is going on??

help help help help says someone inside

it’s so easy

you make them happy.  then they make you happy.  and you both need each other, so you both need to do it.  so it makes sense.  so it works.  like with mommy.  that is just how it works.

so scareded right now want go sleep want die want stop can’t do this so fake so fake so fake you bithc you bitch you bitch who do you think you are like you know anything you know nothing you know nothing you bitch putting on airs acting like you know things shut the fuck up before no one likes you you bitch i am going to kill you

i guess the wanting versushaving is like the kids who want to be married and so are like always talking to m*riad about how we are married but they don’t actually mean married they mean loving each other and that means like snuggling close and feeling loved but they call it married but m*riad gets that but s*ef didn’t cuz she actually *Wanted* to get married.  so the kids are somewhat frustrated by not being actually married, but actually they enjoy just saying it and being it their way.  i don’t know.  it’s just nice.  it’s nice m*riad gets that it doesn’t mean married like other people think.  that they don’t want what they’re actually asking for.  i don’t know.  i guess we picked someone who didn’t want to get married so we wouldn’t have to worry about them getting free and wreaking legal havoc.

it’s like m*riad gets they want that feeling of being veryvery loved.  and that’s the only way to know how to get to it to say they are married to m*riad so they are in love forever.  but that’s not actually what they want.  they want the love.  they just want the love.

and, sadly, i guess what they really want is safety and security only insiders can provide.  or what they really need.  what bull shit.

what total bull shit.

help help help i’m scared syas osmeone inside.

this is not an entry i want to write

okay. let’s start there. this is not an entry i want to write. i am writing it, but i don’t want to be. someone started basically dictating it in our head and i was like fine i’ll write it out cuz maybe then we’ll get somewhere and they’ll shut up.

okay.  so this is not an entry i want to write.  i am writing it on protest.  my protest has beenc carried, motion to dismiss motion denied okay.  so we don’t want to talk about this.  have we established that yet?  i really want to make sure it is established.

okay, so here we are talking about this thing we don’t want to talk about.  yep.  here we are.  just talkin and talkin about it.  just being so open with everyone aren’t we wonderful?

i think we probably have been a little superior around m*riad.  not because we are, but because we aren’t.  isn’t that always how it works.  and this isn’t even what we don’t want to talk about.  this is what we’d *Rather* talk about than that.  so let’s see admitting we are wrong check ….  hmmmm what else.

we started our period today.  so that is, um, awesome.  and then we got totally triggered and fell asleep.  it was our period.  we started it when we went travelling with grandma.  she said she would and she was right.

and none of this is the stuff we don’t want to talk about.

alright.  so here it is.  i think we have girl sub parts that want very much to be dominated and possibly hurt.  and i think we keep them locked up for the most part and i think we also have other parts selecting people to sleep with who they percieve as not being dangerous in this way at all.  so even if the parts want to they can try all they want and get nowhere.  i think they pick people who don’t want that kind of power dynamic with us like what the guy in labrinth said where the person submits their will to yours.  i think i try not to pick people like that.

and then i thought what if i made a mistake?  and someone i picked had those parts and they could be brought to the surface and we did and then we just got locked into it and addicted to it until it was woven into the fabric of our lives (who the fuck wrote that?)

anyway, i was thinking that those parts would see the relationship as this special thing that they had created and was like theirs.  and like for them it would be this amazing perfect love and i was thinking about how could i ever give that up or see it otherwise?

i guess i was thinking that there was nothing anyone could say to me.  and a

and honestly a fair amount of stuff of this was true of my mom and much more with my mom.

but like those parts couldn’t be convinced not to feel that way.  that just is.  something would have to come that would be bigger than that.  for us, that was e*in who brought out parts that were like related to parts or made space for parts that were scared out of their mind of s*ef.  it was odd, the other parts never went away.  it was just like these other parts came out and they were *Way* louder.

and still s*ef left us.  she decided she couldn’t deal with us basically avoiding her completely and being pretty angry with her and crazy and stuff.  s*ef didn’t have access to those parts enough to draw them out past the upset and scared ones.

once we got scared of s*ef it never stopped.  still hasn’t.  those parts are in absolute fear.  frozen.

but still s*ef left us.  i don’t know if we e*er could have actually left her.

basically we just became so scared of her that we couldn’t be around her at all it drove us insane.

i think in some ways we were scared because we had to be to not just do whatever she wanted to make her happy.  because that’s all we had to do and then she loved us unconditionally and then she loved us so much.  and we *could* do it and it wasn’t that hard at all. and then it was.  wow lots of random shoooting body pains um that is odd.

it was easy and then it was almost impossible now.  the scared parts are out in such full force around her.  again, i think this is the only defense we have.  the thick wall.  we can’t talk to her we can’t email her because we will ffeel like we need to save her we will feel her pain.

i mean i guess s*ef almost begged us to get back together.  or something.  after we broke up she came up to my room and cried and i sat with her and sympathized because i knew i was the bad guy.  but i couldn’t take it away.  when i lost that ability with her i lost it and there was no turning back.  in some ways i think s*ef used everything she could she just didn’t have the right keys.  to get past the scared ones.  the caretakers and such could not be called out with so much fear around.  it was wierd.  whatever.  anyway.

still none of this is really what i was supposed to write about.  though it is tangential.

really what happened was e*in called up or reached or jumpstarted or brought forward or whatever all these parts that couldn’t deal with s*ef i think.  and they like just freaked out when they came out and exploded and it was like shock waves of fear emanating from us.

basically they made it intolerable to be around s*ef at all.  so that was just that.  we can’t stand it and have to avoid.  avoid avoid it is nice to have that as really you’re only defense mechanism.  it is effective.  i’m not talking to s*ef or my mom.  i mean how many people can say that?  i mean of course there are the downsides of just cutting people out of your life all the time and kind of starting over: loss of support, instability, barrier to intimacy, blah blah blah.  but still.

the thing is that while adults got along with s*ef.  i think the people who really loved her were kids.  so they were the only ones who *could* be around her.  but they were also the ones who got really hurt by her (in addition to all the love which by far outwieghed it for them).  it seemed a very small price to pay for them.  i don’t know.  they still think that.

it’s like they went away or soemthing or were kept away from s*ef by the scared parts.  because seriously there are parts who were happy to do things to make her happy but they just weren’t around anymore it was just the angry ones who looked like they weren’t.  i don’t know who knows i don’t remember?

and still none of this is what i didn’t want to write about.  shocker.

i guess in some ways what happened is the walls came down and the people who were angry at s*ef and scared of her came out and they .  and really we could only do it because we had this unhealthy obsession and relationship with e*in to take it’s place in a lot of ways.  if we hadn’t, i’m sure we’d still be with s*ef.

i don’t know.  still off-topic.  at least somewhat.

i was really lucky.  s*ef had a lot of resources socially and stuff.  though emotionally i still think not.  and i think the social stuff masks it and that scares because i don’t know if she’ll ever deal with it.  i don’t know how anyone grows without crisis.  we certainly don’t.  all major change in our life has come kicking and screaming because we didn’t have a fucking choice in the fucking matter.

when i am around s*ef i sense an equal or like not clearly unequal amount of pain to a*ron.  who i use as a basis for comparison because i don’t know if i have met anyone with the exception of my mother who i sense such psychic pain from.  s*ef has a lot of resources, at least she has the ability to *think* she is happy (how condescending is that, you bitch).  she has enough to distract is what i am really saying.  it is funny.  that’s better, right?  to have the resources to distract?

because sometimes i am so thankful that we don’t anymore, at least not to the level we did.  because we just, we use them. we use whatever we can, less so now but still even now

we’re supposed to want to be happier?  to be in the least amount of pain right?  we’re supposed to want that for other people?  for them to escape their pain as much as possible?  for us to help?  that is our job yes?  i mean isn’t it?  right?

it is cruel to want someone to experience their pain, or stop distracting from it.  it is cruel and selfish.  because i would never want that for myself.  so it must be cruel and selfish.  who looks at their pain unless they absolutely fucking have to?  not me.

i guess that kind of means it’s cruel to expect my other parts to just come out and experience their pain so i can be over it and healed.  i guess it’s hard to ask people to go through that.  especially if i’m not ready to provide them support.

sometimes when i am with m*riad i think i get very close to myself and sometimes i think i get very far and i wonder why those happen.  i don’t know.  i don’t want to be awake at 4:53am or whatever the fuck it is who the fuck cares not me.

and still none of this is really directly actually revealingly what i want to talk about.

what i wanted to talk about was that we actually have a lot of rape fantasies.  that just is what it is.  it’s true and it is how we get off when we are by ourselves for the most part and we write our own internal movies/stories using whatever we’ve picked up that we like.

we are never the victim.

okay, that is not true.  but those people are not fucking talking right now becuase the fact that we are even admitting that is a huge liability.

we are actually not the abuser for the most part.  but we would rather admit to that than .  and really you have to identify with one more than the other right?  and so if we have to choose we pick the abuser.  tho it’s touch for parts that say this makes us look bad but likewhatever.  it’s always a choice.  be bad or weak. bad or weak.  bad or weak.  pick one.

we actually just kind of make up little movies that are kind of they have some like written description sometime.  it’s not fully a movie or a story.  anyway, that is mostly how we get off.

and i*igo said something cool about how hearing about something can be hotter than actually doing it.  like the *idea* can be hotter than the thing itself.

i’m not sure why that made us happy but it did.

it was like we hadn’t considered that there might be a difference between thought an action.  or like that thought could actually be more satisfying than action in certain ways

and i wonder a little if like part of being an abuser is that the action is more satisfying than the thought.  simulation is much worse than reality.  i don’t know.  i’ve been thinking alot about what makes an abuser.  or like what characteristics there might be to those parts or to people where those parts manifest fully (or close to) outside.  which i guess goes along with that action versus thought.

i guess i just always thought that thought was like a prelude or like an incomplete without action.  which is CRAZY because i have spent forever lecturing people on how different thought and action are.

especially because a part of the thought is wishing it COULD be action.  so obviously action would be better right?

and it occured to me what if it *seemed* like action would be better but that was part of the thought, and part of what made it satisfying was wanting *more* of something without actually having it because having it would actually make you feel awful.  but a component of this is *feeling* like you want it to actually happen.  isn’t that wierd?  i think it’s wird.  i think you’re wierd.  well i think YOU’RE wierd.

i guess like we know with those unspeakables we know that thought is better than action.  that is less true in other areas though.  and we just really don’t let them out unless it is perfectly safe or whatever.  wouldn’t it be wierd if you thought it was safe and then you built this whole world and then you realized too late you were trapped in it?  how could you know while it was happening?

i just thought it was a cool idea that the thought of something could be hotter than the thing itself.  even though i know i know that.  and have applied that.  somehow i hadn’t applied it here or something.  like i wasn’t taught it applied here.  like i thought the only way a thought would be hot is if it were based on basically the same action.  if it were kind of an echo, whose worth comes only from it’s reminder of the event.  isn’t that wierd?  i think it’s wierd.  i don’t know.  i don’t fucking know anything.

aren’t you always supposed to want your desires to be fulfilled?  isn’t that what happiness is?  it’s odd to me to imagine it actually being pleasurable *not* to do that.  even though i think that is very much how i set up my life.  i tend to pick people who are at least somewhat out of the question i always want things i can’t have.  why didn’t i see it here?  why can’t i see it here?

it just seems like the happiest thing in the world is giving someone exactly what they want.  right?  though i guess that very often doesn’t go well for us.  but still isn’t that what you’re supposed to try to do if you’re good?  how can wanting be good?  how can it not be worse and horrible.

i guess there is the idea that what people want can actually hurt them.  and while that doesn’t give you the right to get in their way, it also means that denying them isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  it might be a neutral thing.  which doesn’t make sense cuz that’s not how they see it and what they see it matters.

the idea of denying people what they want as a neutral thing is CRAZY to me.  but like, i guess that’s what that would mean.  if what people want isn’t necessarily and often is not better for them, than isn’t it not necessarily and often not a positive thing to do it?  not that it’s a negative.  but what if it isn’t either?  isn’t that crazy?  that is crazy. that’s definitely crazy.

it is always wrong to deny people what they want and need.  it is always bad and selfish and it is youor responsability to give it.

but what if it isn’t?  what if it isn’t bad.  or good.  or anything.  it just is.  it’s neutral and you could argue it 7 ways til sunday (who keeps writing that?) and prove it’s anything but really it’s nothing it just is.

and if that were true than really it would just matter what was best for me or okay for me or like i could consider it.

if it really were neutral.  which it isn’t.  because that is crazy.  because they don’t see it as neutral.  and people are in SO MUCH PAIN when you deny them what they need.  you can’t do that.  that is cruel.

bitch bitch bitch you make up these lies to let yourself tell lies to yourself about how you are not selfish and wrong and bitchy and horrible but you are you are and you know it and you know who you owe and what you owe them and you will never escape you will never escape

labrinth is one of the best movies about healing i’ve seen.  i love the faces that are just like “beware!” “go back!” “you are in grave danger!” and the guy is just like, don’t mind them, they have to say that.  and hten they aren’t so scary.  they just have to say that.  i don’t know.  somehting about what the goblin king says.  submit and i’ll give you everything.  and everything is so glittery and cool and sexy and she isn’t.  how could she give that up?

unhappiness is such a small price.  such a small price.  such a small price.  to get away from the loneliness.

but it is all distraction.  even the unhappiness is part of it.  it is all a distraction it is all a crystal ball and smoke and mirrors that look so much better than the real thing.

but it is such a small price, isn’t it?  it seems small to me.

what we’re singing

life preserves or how to watch

(…)