sometimes i’m nervous to talk about e*in

because, i don’t know, she’s an ex and she dumped me.  but i do miss her and i miss her especially when i watch the office.  there’s this scene where jim isn’t allowed to talk cuz pam said jinx and he has to get up and tell a story in front of everyone so he pretends to cry a little so he doesn’t have to talk and pam is so impressed.  and it’s just, it’s just very something e*in would do.  like i don’t know, she liked to do things that impressed me plus she was really talented.  i don’t know.  and funny.  i really miss that.  like she made me laugh so hard.  there was this preivew for the showtime series “the tudors” on at the begining of like every episode of the l word or soemthign and it was really dramatic and had this close up on the guy’s intense expression when he yells “i’m the king of england!” and it’s really the only words in the preview and then it’s all quick clips to fighting scenes to heighten the intensity.  and we’d seen it like a million times so we didn’t really pay attention and then e*in yells “who’s the king of england?” and the guy yells “i’m the king of england!” and it was the funniest thing ever.  plus the story she told about the bus driver who angrily and repeatedly accused her of knocking the poles off the electrical line.  she was just, she was a very talented and funny performer and i miss that.  it’s true for s*ef too but there are other issues that obscure it.

the first time i realized e*in was funny was when we were all out at lunch and like she put her gum on the table between all of us and was like “i didn’t want to interrupt the conversation (and she jumps up and starts enthusiastically offering it to everyone) and say gum? gum? gum?”  it’s hard to explain, but it was very entertaining and we were like okay, i see, she is cool in this way.

also we just had so much stuff with s*ef about e*in (who granted werre consequetive and interrelated) about talking about her and still do and it’s not like i’m worried m*riad will be jealous so much as they will take it out on me in anger and blame me cuz that’s what s*ef did.  once i was in babes in toyland and this cute staffperson was flirting with me at the strap-on stand (which trust me is a RARE occurance and makes me sound like i am this cool always and while i am, that is not why) and s*ef came in and siddled up and was like there and said hi and i was so flustered i didn’t know how to handle it and include her so i kind of kept talking to the person still for a bit and then they left and s*ef was SO MAD i hadn’t introduced her as my girlfriend or included her in conversation (we were poly at the time).  she was so upset she stalked out and i had to comfort her and comfort her.  god, my life was so awful then.  before she left for italy and i hooked up with e*in i felt like i was horrible all the time.  she was so jealous and i was always trying to make up for it.  omigod it was so hard and so amazing when she left and it was just me and e*in and i wasn’t BAD anymore all the time and it was so great 2 weeks it was so great wow.

(sighs).  plus e*in and i hooked up half way thru and that was well that was a lot of things.  i don’t know.  i guess we are nostalgic.  maybe we want m*riad to be jealous so that we don’t just have to feel sad about what we lost.  hmmmmmmmmm.  feels cold in the body to say that.

i want to die it hurts in my chest.

okay, gotta get smokin for m*riads therapy appt.  wes goin with them and we is so happy and proud.  and not stressed cuz in therapy is sharon’s job take care all things not ours at all not our responsability at all. we just getta be there.

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also, someone inside keeps saying

“help i want to kill myself”

i don’t know what to do about that

tried to ask her, just said she needed help help help i need help

so we tried to go in and it’s like a cave like a stone tunnel small and then we got to this drop off and i don’t think we should go over it.  so i’m asking what she needs and all she says is help help i need help and sounds so scared and sad. it’s wierd i can almost see her. i want to die.

i’m scared if i don’t help her there will be a flood or something and she’ll drown.  dammit.  i ddon’t really know what to do.

i really don’t want to think about her there when i can’t save her.  that i s kind of unbareable.  but i don’t want to forget about her, what if she drowns?  dammit.

i really don’t want to et too close to that ledge and slip off like when e*a fell off the chairlift. what was that?  it is windy outside that scares us mabe and triggers us don’t know why.  feelin scared and alone.  can’t make it better, can’t take care of ourselves.  we want to die.

we is readin suffer the child it is triggerin us maybe but we keep readin it we is bad i guess so sorry

we feel scared and unloved and unprotected

wouldn’t it be wierd if i was mad at dad for not protecting us from mom?  because he is definitely the bad and scary parent.  tho who know who mom was before we moved, when she lived with him in constant terror.  who knows.  i don’t remember her at all from then really.  i think she was different.  scarier maybe.

i know that what caused the breakdown was i always felt so bad with s*ef.  i was always bad for sleeping with n*ncy and wanting to do that but not with her. i was bad because she was sad and hurt and jealous.  always had to tiptoe tiiptoe

then she left for italy and erin and i slept together and ah this week that was so wonderful and i wasn’t bad at all and i was so happy

then s*ef came back and i went crazy or started  too.  i hated her so much.  i hated her and was scared of her and wanted to get away from her.  i think.part of us did.

help i’m scared

maybe that’s the girl too but what the f*** am i supposed to do about that huh?  i can’t save her.  i don’t have any tools and to visualize them would be too make things up and that doesn’t help and it scares me.okay maybe i don’t want her up here maybe she scares me and i don’t want to take care of her.  i don’t know how to do it or where to start

she is scared and i just can’t do it i want to die i want to be alone i want to be alone i want to be alone i want to be alone i want to be alone  why are you leaving mommy where are you going? where are you going and why  don’t you love us anymore what happened what happened you left what happened

help i’m scared

how exactly do i provide help?  what am i supposed to do?  i can’t comfort her, she freaks me out so i don’t feel safe either.  there’s no one to comfort us both.  there are no caring adults here to take care of us. i want to die.

help i want to die

scared alone scared

help i want to die help help

help i want to die help help help i want to die help i want to die help i want to die help i want to die i want to die i want to die

scared alone scared

i am really not sure what to do with this.  i’m trying to stay with it and feel it but i don’t like it.

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