or actually it wasn’t wierd, but that was wierd because it shouldn’t be that common. or whatever.
anyway, we were with m*riad and we got turned on and then they wanted to go to sleep and we worried it was because they could tell we were turned on and were really threatened.
so know what? we ASK-ED.and they said no and we wasn’t bad and they were even turned on TOO and like maybe we isn’t bad and even wouldn’t be even if they weren’t cuz that doesn’t make us a monster and a perpetrator
i don’t know, we actually started crying, so i guess it was kind of a big deal. and it get me thinking a little about like issues i have with people thinking or knowing i’m turned on.
in fact it’s even hard to write about it here. how can we possibly have a blog where we say something about ourselves that is so horrible. what are we thinkiing/??
wow, i can’t believe we write here. who exactly made *that* decisioin? i am really not comfortable having this kind of information about myself out there. i can’t believe we let our friends read it. what are we doing? i want to die.
okay, anyway, woah, that was wierd. like we sent out someone against the whole idea of honesty because we didn’t want to talk about the topic.
but we have always had this fear that people will think we are turned on (esp at times that are innappropriate. i don’t know. like we used to try to always be out of the room when a sexual scene came on in a movie – which by the way, takes a constant vigilence particularly with movies you hadn’t seen to anticipate it. see when things are heading that way because you have to leave far enough before and with a good reason that no one has any idea what you are doing. i would leave and say i wanted something from the kitchen then stand and watch the movie through the doorway until it was safe
it’s really odd. this was a big practice for me for a while. particularly when watching anything with one of my parents. i honestly am not comfortable enough to do it in other situations and it’s somewhat different know. i guess who knows?
blah. but like it’s like there are appropriate and inappropriate times to get turned on and ti is really bad and dirty and ugly to get turned on
i am really unnerved right now. like i haven’t been out in a while or something. i still can’t believe we write this stuff out and trust our friends to know it. who aree these people? do i even know them? everything is horribly off-balance. we aren’t handling our paperwork that is unacceptable. unacceptable. unacceptable.
m*riad says this cool thing about when deciding whether to ask someone something scary like if they want to hang out, you have to consider whether you can handle hearing no. we have a lot of trouble hearing no when we express a need. i think we wouldn’t if we did it more often but who knows who knows the nose knows.
help help help i’m scared?
whatever. we really need to go food shopping. omigod i need to die. help help help help. help help hlep help i don’t understnad what’s going on i’m confused and disoriented like this isn’t my life or i’m new here dammit
i feel like we’re in some kind of shock or something i don’t know things just got colder and now there’s a tension in my left jawneck and chest
so here is what i’m thinking. let’s say someone has stored in their brain information that, if they knew it, would cause them to be killed. so, ideally, the brain would work it’s hardest to make sure the person would never find out. and if it were a movie, the more and more she’d try to find out, the more we as audience members would get scared and want her to back off before she gets killed
unless you’re one of those people who can stand the suspense of the the possibility that she is able to get it out and disable the trap or the bomb. but that is a big risk. that is a really big risk and if it has an 8-minute timer and she was just idly trying to remember what she knows you’d have to want her not to touch it so she doesn’t blow up!
what if it were a spring-loaded trap? what if it had a glass ball that could shatter? or if it was just a bomb, a small square digital one like in the movies. what if it was a trap like a bear trap with jaws. what if it was a mouse trap. or a hair trap (who said that? what’s a hair trap?)
i deon’t know what if the information would kill her wouldn’t you root for her never to find it and be scared when she does? doesn’t that make it scarier? but at the same time it is otherwise always in her brain and could maybe be activated at any time. but it’s the thing like in alias when
sometimes i think we’re kind of like a house elf in harry potter because we actually can’t stop doing something until the other person releases us. it’s wierd. we a re a bad girl i know it i know it i do things are scary unprotected very scary very unprotected and no one loves us and we are so scared i want to die i want to die i want to die
cold cold turn up the heat cold cold turn up the
we need to buy food
i guess one of the ideas behind our unedited writing and thoughts is that much information is lost in the editing process in service of the finished product. but we are actually more infor — sorry — more *interested* in mining the data for clues. plus writing things out helps us think. and putting it on the web let’s us know it will be read by kinder eyes than ours.
edgewise: get a word in 