i am going to die

i have so much to do and i can’t get it done.  it’s serious, people!!  this is like $3000 dollars i will owe uw if i don’t handle this.  dammit dammit dammit.  plus the apartment stuff. plue the food money stuff.  dammit dammit dammit i am horrible.

for the record

i have the following to do.  all very important.  all over due.

  • tuition forfeiture petition so i’m not charged $3200 by the law school
  • get form from testm so i can get my $93 in food benefits for this month (or some part of it)
  • get in apartment cert so i don’t get evicted

so that would be money, food, and shelter.  if anyone’s keeping track.  so way to fuck up.  we are handling none of this.  at all.  we do nothing.  i hear people talk about taking days off and not getting anything done today and every day for me is a day off.  and it seems like i would get used to it but to an extent it’s like both.  a day off with no responsabilities, a day off because i’m too crazy to function but am way to scared to deal with it and feel awful and guilty and self-hating.

it’s odd it does help a bit to write it.  but still i hate saying thing sout loud i’m failing at and that hurt me.  it makes them real.  and this isn’t out loud but whatever.

it is ridiculous to have our life be like that.  we never have well-earned time off, all our time off is amorphous and should be used doing the things we have to get done.  we never get to feel like we are taking a day off.  i don’t know.  it’s like it’s all time you should be doing your homework.  but not in the wayt hat makes tv that fun.

whatever.  anyway.

we are a stupid bitch who is scared about things they shouldn’t be scared about.

sometimes we wish m*riad had rock band here so we could play it more cuz we really do love it and that you can both play at the same time.  i don’t know we are stupid.  we wish we had money so we could maybe help pay and get use it more or whatever we are so STUPID don’t SAY THAT you stupid bitch

ugh, people are so rude.  anyway,

heehee m*riad said this thing about

how they had never really appreciated how well we use humor to get out of awkward and tense situations by deflecting or distracting because they are usually not trying to do those things.  but then when they WERE they like could totally see how like we can just say something crazy and funny and just take the tension away because then no one is thinking about the tension they are just laughiung.  we are really good at that.

um maybe we reread what some of us worte last night andi t scareded us maybe.  don know why.  it was not thati interesting and it was probably just written to sound good or somthing because that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened tha t never happened we are so bad i know it we have stuff to get done and we ARENT we need to get it done!!  seriously!!!!!  lots of important important money stuff seriously!!!  we want to die it is too scary we want to die we do please can we we need to i need to die.

edges die edges girl now pl-ease okay then not mad anymore why is we so stupid so bad not good enough why is we not good enough don’t understand don’t understand why we is not good enough sleep with us don’t understand why we is not good enough we could be if you gave us a chance doesn’t hurt doesn’t hurt so we is happy you is happy all is happy see i dont understand why you get sad we must not be good enough yet we can try and try and someday maybe we will be please don’t give up we’ll be good enough some day (cold chill spread thru torso and arms)

we really will be good enough some day please don’t give up we’ll get better we are getting better we are we are just give us time to get better please we’ll be better we’ll do better we ccn we can please don’t give up i want to die please don’t give up we can be better we can be better we can be better we can be better we ccan save you if yo i mean we are better we can we can – e*a dream where we couldn’t save her?

it is funny to me that like if you are a little kid making adults come with your hands and mouth, you would definitely not be considered a top.  but if you are that same kid doing the same thing but in an adult body, you would be.  isn’t that wierd?  that seems wierd to me.

that is dirty bad girl bad girl to say that you bad girl you are so bad you bad girl don’t say that don’t say that what is wrong with you bad girl bad girl what is worng with you we hate you bad girl we hate you don’t say those things don’t say flash of grandma’s house don’t say those things diont say them well hit you and kill you we will because then you die bad girl say those things is so bad we will kill you dead NOW

impulse to do something else. reisisted and stayed here.

um we are pretty scarred here.  i dont know why, none of this is really that scary.  i mean it’s not like violent or anything so whateveri ts not a big deal you know we are so bad mak e it sa big deal please dont be mad please dont pleae dont please dont please dont please dont please dont help i want to die i am scared i have things to do i can’t be doing this i need to do the things i know i am being bad i am so bad i am so scared i am messing everything up i can tell help help help help help help i am so scared i really need to die i think okay omigod i ma so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl

sometimes i just love being multiple

in a way it’s a lot like being queer, it’s something i wouldn’t change for anything.

we made a scaryscary call to our ssi person to be like here is the therapists we seen and we started nervous talk fastfast then switched someone so together deeper voice and was like so together they called back again with more info no problem but then wes kids handled the good bye oh it is fun

we is so hungry we really need eat but nothin around here we want like maybe breakfast food or falafel from near qfc maybe we bus up there get that and shop

we is so hungry it is makin us faint i think and our tummy hurts so much it reaches up to our throat.  we didn’t eat much during the day (or necessarily at all) in high school

we fucking wrote a post and it got deleted

summary: we want to die.  someone inside is crying hysterically.  we have a lot to handle: foosd stamps. ssi stuff, apartment recert, reshedule kathy.

i want to diee i want to die i want to die

and now my fucking right ear is popping again what the fuck is that???

wow, how worthless am i?

it is 6pm and i haven’t done anything.  i have to get this paperwork done.  i am going to die.  i am going to die.

panda girl

how much i am supposed to be smoking: an eighth a week.

how much i appear to be smoking: an eighth and a third a week.

how much more that costs me a month:~$50 (or so) bucks

what is ridiculous: the amount of money i spend on this a month

i just cannot believe myself.  watching tv. smoking.  not doing anything i’m supposed to.  deadlines creep closer and closer.  what exactly am i expecting to happen?  for me to magically be able to do it?

well, yes, i am.  or rather i’m waiting for someone who can handle it to come out.  i won’t get panicked until wednesday.  i have 3 separate things:

  • the dshs paperwork to get food benefits next month
  • get ssi app confirmation to
  • DO SSI FUNCTIONALITY AND WORK HISTORY PAPERWORK

all of which are basically due friday.  our ears are popping popping popping popping. that is wierd.  wierd wierd wierd.

we are so bad and should go to exercize but don’t.  i am honestly amazed at how little we do.  and we compound it every second by worrying so much we don’t do anything.  we are so focused on making the best use of our time that we freak out and make the worst.  ugh.  fucking a.

our upper back and neck have been hurting like CRAZY like CRAZY which is maybe due to mom. and her email.  and whatnot.

we are having arguments because some people say this is getting to stream-of-consciousness for the blog catagory and some are saying we can just check both and others are saying that defeats the purpose we want to use catagories for and it’s like omigod i can’t do this

so we turn on another episode of the office and take another hit. at least if we didn’t feel guilty we’d be a successful hedonist at least. we fucking fail at everything.

so we check both and say fuck it.

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