there are a lot of things that suck about being messy

like i just can’t identify myself with my apartment because people think such bad things about it, have such a repulsion to it.  how could i identify that?

i don’t know.  it reminds me of when i was a kid and my dad (and grandma) called me fat all the time.  and told me to lose weight.  and how ugly my body was.  and i was pretty sure they were right.  especially since everything i read agreed with it.

and so the only thing i could do was decide i wasn’t really related to my body, and besides i hated them and didn’t therefor have to put any credence in what they say and could actively guard against it, and also i wasn’t really a girl that way so i didn’t have to think about my body that way.

and that’s just knd of what happened.  but like all that is still going on inside even if it’s far away and i pretend it isn’t.  someone keeps saying helpi’mgoingtocommitsuiced

we had a dream last night about something about a hotel room and we were there with 2 people and maybe e*a and um like i had to pretend i was just hanging out but they were really kind of kdinapping us and i kept trying to get to the bathroom and send a distress call with my cel but i’d like go to the bathroom and forgeet so i didn’t bring my cel or other stuff.

hearing “throw it all away” over in the back of our head.

sometimes when m*riad disagrees with us we feel really stupid for having had a different idea than them and we must be wrong and they must be right and we are embarrassed but we don’t show that because we are not a girl so we don’t SHOW THAT WEAKNESS nope not ever

things are wierd today.  in the drea i’d also try to surreptitiously use my cel without being seen or having to explain if i was.  for some reason i feel like the captors seem like s*ef in some way and i don’t know.  help help help i’m scared i’m reallyy scared i’m reallys cared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared really scared

the thing is you can’t show that much hurt if someone is judging you.  we are so raw in some places.  if we are talking about someone judging us in some way or being bothered by us in some way and in *any way* thinking something bad about our general messiness, we have to have a steel shell because it hurts TOO MUCH it hurts too much and it’s all the freaking time

people judge messiness all the time in a million different ways with a million different tiny comments that got classified as not mean for the same reason that all other status-quo-policing stuff is.  and it feels a fuckload like how we’ve been judged for our body size and finally we just had to close up shop and not even get close anymore.

because even the people you trust the most, you care about the most, you let your guard down because you think maybe *they* finally *they* won’t think bad things about you, won’t judge you for it.  and it is still in them.  which is why they feel free to make the jokes because they are societally approved.  that’s why they have felt so comfortable with their own set of unhealthy beliefs because they helped them fit in.

do you know how different it is to have a space that you basically know people will judge and not like?  basically everyone?  that they won’t be able to see most if not all of the good things, or when you make small improvements, or try to clean.

yeah, so, um, you know how like you get worried people will judge you for not being clean enough.  pssst, here is the secret: (whispers so lean in close) messy people feel it to.  except with us we just have to find some way to deal with the hurt of it because we CAN’T fix it.

i don’t know, i think comments on people’s messiness is one of the ultimate verbal cruelties because it IS a comment on them, their character, their SELF.  and making it a joke doesn’t lessen that, it makes it more painful because you’re supposed to not be hurt.

i don’t know.  i guess i am always shocked.  i am always shocked by the cruelty people allow themselves and convince themselves is somehow not for some reason.

people look at messy people and think about the things they could do better.  that’s always the thought.  why didn’t they put this away or clean this up.

and to have it be “put up with”.  i mean, why do you think i have to be charming and a people pleaser all the time.  so i can make up for my MESSINESS and lateness and cancelling and losing things.  because i am always a million fucking steps behind ALREADY.

i don’t.  i don’t understand how i’m not supposed to be hurt by a joke/comment about how i made your space worse in a way that was clearly significant to you.  like, why does that change because it’s messiness?

oh, plus i smoke pot.  so that’s another minus i add to the pile.  my presence brings so many TANGIBLE negatives i have to workso fucking hard to get back into the black.  how could that not hurt?

it just sucks because the cooking dissappears, and the mess remains.  and that’s really what people remember.  and you do your best and it’s just never fucking enough and i can’t fucking stand it it hurts so much.

if we’re lucky, we can pretend we don’t have feelings about it or build up a thick enough wall.  but like how could we possibly let it down when every time we do we find out that again we are being judged?

i just don’t get why people don’t get that messiness might be a VERY sensitive subject for a messy person and treat it as such.  i don’t understand why it’s fair game.

and i cannot feel safe somewhere where trying my best actually still makes the person feel bad about me and about me being in their space.  and if you are doing some kind of balancing to see if it’s “worth it” then i should let you know i’m getting out of the people pleasing business and i don’t go where i’m not wanted. and i mean all of me.

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i have a message for people selling an lcd/hgtv on craigslist

yeah, you’re going to take a bath on this.  i’m sorry you paid like $1500 for your tv, but it’s worth like maybe $300 now.  people pay based on market value, not your costs.

um, you paid for the privilege of having an amazing tv when the technology was still young.  and you got that benefit.  so please don’t ask me to pay you for having that kind of disposable income

wow, who is all angry and mean out here.  woah.  that’s strong stuff.

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