purchased on ebay in the last 24-48 hours

• 1/2 lb (2000-3000 stones) of blue lace agate: $10 ($5 + $5 for shipping)
• 1/2 lb (~120 stones) of small advanturine: ~$5 ($1.84 for the stones plus a combined shipping discount with the blue lace agate, supra.)
• 5 lithium ion batteries for imac remote and digital drug scale: $2.99 (free shipping)
• SNES analog audio/video cable (so i can play alladin or sell the system): $5.30 ($1.49 for the cable, $3.80 for shipping)

not having to go out into the world and deal with people and the cold:

priceless

i don’t htink these tags have anythign to do with anything.  i want a big sheet with a little checkbox next to each one of my tags so i can check the ones that are relevent and have them added, not just the most popular ones.

Protected: we saw m*riad tonight

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i have no idea whether this is apprpriate or not

but m*riads told me once that the only (best?) defense they had was to tell and tell and tell.  and so in that vein… i guess if it’s inappropriate i’ll find our and decide what to do from there.

so here is what i think.  i think that a lot of parts of a*ron that used to be out are locked inside.  i think they’ve been locked away for a while.  i think the part or part(s) that is keeping them locked away is doing anything and everything in his/their power to maintain that.  i think that part is very strong.  i think that part is very smart.  i do *not* meet people who are as skilled at manipulating as i am, certainly who are not also more comfortable using it in extreme and risky ways.  i do *not* meet people who have the ability to access other parts and use them to best mimic another person’s thought process and what would appeal to them.  i am impressed, perhaps above all else.

but i do think those parts are trapped.  and i don’t think they can get out while he/they is this strong.  and i think he is trapped too, whether he knows it or not.  i think the labrinth is beautiful and glamorous and relies on never seeing.  i think the songs could be about something else.

but what do i know?  i guess i think i have held the crystal ball myself and i recognise the sleight of hand.  now.  but even i am easily hypnotized.  which is why i really can’t be in contact.  it would take someone as skilled as me to fool me.  i think he is strong.

those are the things that i think.  i think i am a threat to him now that i see at least part of what’s going on.  i think that is the biggest and only real threat to the labrinth.  but it is only me.  and i was at best a side project, and probably just a bonus and perhaps someone to shore up support or at least not be an obstacle.  i don’t know really.  it is too bad i can’t talk to him.  that i am not strong enough, not aware enough or in control enough of my triggers.  it’s too bad they don’t make babel fish for that.

lots of body pains with our period but they are up up.  we sleep almost on our stomache now, which is super bad for our back.  we need to get adjusted.  we need to do a lot of things.

i also think that actively exploring these thoughts is an important part of my defense.  and that i am getting much more pain from my sides around my stomache and don’t know what’s going on.  what is going on??

help help help help says someone inside

this is not an entry i want to write

okay. let’s start there. this is not an entry i want to write. i am writing it, but i don’t want to be. someone started basically dictating it in our head and i was like fine i’ll write it out cuz maybe then we’ll get somewhere and they’ll shut up.

okay.  so this is not an entry i want to write.  i am writing it on protest.  my protest has beenc carried, motion to dismiss motion denied okay.  so we don’t want to talk about this.  have we established that yet?  i really want to make sure it is established.

okay, so here we are talking about this thing we don’t want to talk about.  yep.  here we are.  just talkin and talkin about it.  just being so open with everyone aren’t we wonderful?

i think we probably have been a little superior around m*riad.  not because we are, but because we aren’t.  isn’t that always how it works.  and this isn’t even what we don’t want to talk about.  this is what we’d *Rather* talk about than that.  so let’s see admitting we are wrong check ….  hmmmm what else.

we started our period today.  so that is, um, awesome.  and then we got totally triggered and fell asleep.  it was our period.  we started it when we went travelling with grandma.  she said she would and she was right.

and none of this is the stuff we don’t want to talk about.

alright.  so here it is.  i think we have girl sub parts that want very much to be dominated and possibly hurt.  and i think we keep them locked up for the most part and i think we also have other parts selecting people to sleep with who they percieve as not being dangerous in this way at all.  so even if the parts want to they can try all they want and get nowhere.  i think they pick people who don’t want that kind of power dynamic with us like what the guy in labrinth said where the person submits their will to yours.  i think i try not to pick people like that.

and then i thought what if i made a mistake?  and someone i picked had those parts and they could be brought to the surface and we did and then we just got locked into it and addicted to it until it was woven into the fabric of our lives (who the fuck wrote that?)

anyway, i was thinking that those parts would see the relationship as this special thing that they had created and was like theirs.  and like for them it would be this amazing perfect love and i was thinking about how could i ever give that up or see it otherwise?

i guess i was thinking that there was nothing anyone could say to me.  and a

and honestly a fair amount of stuff of this was true of my mom and much more with my mom.

but like those parts couldn’t be convinced not to feel that way.  that just is.  something would have to come that would be bigger than that.  for us, that was e*in who brought out parts that were like related to parts or made space for parts that were scared out of their mind of s*ef.  it was odd, the other parts never went away.  it was just like these other parts came out and they were *Way* louder.

and still s*ef left us.  she decided she couldn’t deal with us basically avoiding her completely and being pretty angry with her and crazy and stuff.  s*ef didn’t have access to those parts enough to draw them out past the upset and scared ones.

once we got scared of s*ef it never stopped.  still hasn’t.  those parts are in absolute fear.  frozen.

but still s*ef left us.  i don’t know if we e*er could have actually left her.

basically we just became so scared of her that we couldn’t be around her at all it drove us insane.

i think in some ways we were scared because we had to be to not just do whatever she wanted to make her happy.  because that’s all we had to do and then she loved us unconditionally and then she loved us so much.  and we *could* do it and it wasn’t that hard at all. and then it was.  wow lots of random shoooting body pains um that is odd.

it was easy and then it was almost impossible now.  the scared parts are out in such full force around her.  again, i think this is the only defense we have.  the thick wall.  we can’t talk to her we can’t email her because we will ffeel like we need to save her we will feel her pain.

i mean i guess s*ef almost begged us to get back together.  or something.  after we broke up she came up to my room and cried and i sat with her and sympathized because i knew i was the bad guy.  but i couldn’t take it away.  when i lost that ability with her i lost it and there was no turning back.  in some ways i think s*ef used everything she could she just didn’t have the right keys.  to get past the scared ones.  the caretakers and such could not be called out with so much fear around.  it was wierd.  whatever.  anyway.

still none of this is really what i was supposed to write about.  though it is tangential.

really what happened was e*in called up or reached or jumpstarted or brought forward or whatever all these parts that couldn’t deal with s*ef i think.  and they like just freaked out when they came out and exploded and it was like shock waves of fear emanating from us.

basically they made it intolerable to be around s*ef at all.  so that was just that.  we can’t stand it and have to avoid.  avoid avoid it is nice to have that as really you’re only defense mechanism.  it is effective.  i’m not talking to s*ef or my mom.  i mean how many people can say that?  i mean of course there are the downsides of just cutting people out of your life all the time and kind of starting over: loss of support, instability, barrier to intimacy, blah blah blah.  but still.

the thing is that while adults got along with s*ef.  i think the people who really loved her were kids.  so they were the only ones who *could* be around her.  but they were also the ones who got really hurt by her (in addition to all the love which by far outwieghed it for them).  it seemed a very small price to pay for them.  i don’t know.  they still think that.

it’s like they went away or soemthing or were kept away from s*ef by the scared parts.  because seriously there are parts who were happy to do things to make her happy but they just weren’t around anymore it was just the angry ones who looked like they weren’t.  i don’t know who knows i don’t remember?

and still none of this is what i didn’t want to write about.  shocker.

i guess in some ways what happened is the walls came down and the people who were angry at s*ef and scared of her came out and they .  and really we could only do it because we had this unhealthy obsession and relationship with e*in to take it’s place in a lot of ways.  if we hadn’t, i’m sure we’d still be with s*ef.

i don’t know.  still off-topic.  at least somewhat.

i was really lucky.  s*ef had a lot of resources socially and stuff.  though emotionally i still think not.  and i think the social stuff masks it and that scares because i don’t know if she’ll ever deal with it.  i don’t know how anyone grows without crisis.  we certainly don’t.  all major change in our life has come kicking and screaming because we didn’t have a fucking choice in the fucking matter.

when i am around s*ef i sense an equal or like not clearly unequal amount of pain to a*ron.  who i use as a basis for comparison because i don’t know if i have met anyone with the exception of my mother who i sense such psychic pain from.  s*ef has a lot of resources, at least she has the ability to *think* she is happy (how condescending is that, you bitch).  she has enough to distract is what i am really saying.  it is funny.  that’s better, right?  to have the resources to distract?

because sometimes i am so thankful that we don’t anymore, at least not to the level we did.  because we just, we use them. we use whatever we can, less so now but still even now

we’re supposed to want to be happier?  to be in the least amount of pain right?  we’re supposed to want that for other people?  for them to escape their pain as much as possible?  for us to help?  that is our job yes?  i mean isn’t it?  right?

it is cruel to want someone to experience their pain, or stop distracting from it.  it is cruel and selfish.  because i would never want that for myself.  so it must be cruel and selfish.  who looks at their pain unless they absolutely fucking have to?  not me.

i guess that kind of means it’s cruel to expect my other parts to just come out and experience their pain so i can be over it and healed.  i guess it’s hard to ask people to go through that.  especially if i’m not ready to provide them support.

sometimes when i am with m*riad i think i get very close to myself and sometimes i think i get very far and i wonder why those happen.  i don’t know.  i don’t want to be awake at 4:53am or whatever the fuck it is who the fuck cares not me.

and still none of this is really directly actually revealingly what i want to talk about.

what i wanted to talk about was that we actually have a lot of rape fantasies.  that just is what it is.  it’s true and it is how we get off when we are by ourselves for the most part and we write our own internal movies/stories using whatever we’ve picked up that we like.

we are never the victim.

okay, that is not true.  but those people are not fucking talking right now becuase the fact that we are even admitting that is a huge liability.

we are actually not the abuser for the most part.  but we would rather admit to that than .  and really you have to identify with one more than the other right?  and so if we have to choose we pick the abuser.  tho it’s touch for parts that say this makes us look bad but likewhatever.  it’s always a choice.  be bad or weak. bad or weak.  bad or weak.  pick one.

we actually just kind of make up little movies that are kind of they have some like written description sometime.  it’s not fully a movie or a story.  anyway, that is mostly how we get off.

and i*igo said something cool about how hearing about something can be hotter than actually doing it.  like the *idea* can be hotter than the thing itself.

i’m not sure why that made us happy but it did.

it was like we hadn’t considered that there might be a difference between thought an action.  or like that thought could actually be more satisfying than action in certain ways

and i wonder a little if like part of being an abuser is that the action is more satisfying than the thought.  simulation is much worse than reality.  i don’t know.  i’ve been thinking alot about what makes an abuser.  or like what characteristics there might be to those parts or to people where those parts manifest fully (or close to) outside.  which i guess goes along with that action versus thought.

i guess i just always thought that thought was like a prelude or like an incomplete without action.  which is CRAZY because i have spent forever lecturing people on how different thought and action are.

especially because a part of the thought is wishing it COULD be action.  so obviously action would be better right?

and it occured to me what if it *seemed* like action would be better but that was part of the thought, and part of what made it satisfying was wanting *more* of something without actually having it because having it would actually make you feel awful.  but a component of this is *feeling* like you want it to actually happen.  isn’t that wierd?  i think it’s wird.  i think you’re wierd.  well i think YOU’RE wierd.

i guess like we know with those unspeakables we know that thought is better than action.  that is less true in other areas though.  and we just really don’t let them out unless it is perfectly safe or whatever.  wouldn’t it be wierd if you thought it was safe and then you built this whole world and then you realized too late you were trapped in it?  how could you know while it was happening?

i just thought it was a cool idea that the thought of something could be hotter than the thing itself.  even though i know i know that.  and have applied that.  somehow i hadn’t applied it here or something.  like i wasn’t taught it applied here.  like i thought the only way a thought would be hot is if it were based on basically the same action.  if it were kind of an echo, whose worth comes only from it’s reminder of the event.  isn’t that wierd?  i think it’s wierd.  i don’t know.  i don’t fucking know anything.

aren’t you always supposed to want your desires to be fulfilled?  isn’t that what happiness is?  it’s odd to me to imagine it actually being pleasurable *not* to do that.  even though i think that is very much how i set up my life.  i tend to pick people who are at least somewhat out of the question i always want things i can’t have.  why didn’t i see it here?  why can’t i see it here?

it just seems like the happiest thing in the world is giving someone exactly what they want.  right?  though i guess that very often doesn’t go well for us.  but still isn’t that what you’re supposed to try to do if you’re good?  how can wanting be good?  how can it not be worse and horrible.

i guess there is the idea that what people want can actually hurt them.  and while that doesn’t give you the right to get in their way, it also means that denying them isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  it might be a neutral thing.  which doesn’t make sense cuz that’s not how they see it and what they see it matters.

the idea of denying people what they want as a neutral thing is CRAZY to me.  but like, i guess that’s what that would mean.  if what people want isn’t necessarily and often is not better for them, than isn’t it not necessarily and often not a positive thing to do it?  not that it’s a negative.  but what if it isn’t either?  isn’t that crazy?  that is crazy. that’s definitely crazy.

it is always wrong to deny people what they want and need.  it is always bad and selfish and it is youor responsability to give it.

but what if it isn’t?  what if it isn’t bad.  or good.  or anything.  it just is.  it’s neutral and you could argue it 7 ways til sunday (who keeps writing that?) and prove it’s anything but really it’s nothing it just is.

and if that were true than really it would just matter what was best for me or okay for me or like i could consider it.

if it really were neutral.  which it isn’t.  because that is crazy.  because they don’t see it as neutral.  and people are in SO MUCH PAIN when you deny them what they need.  you can’t do that.  that is cruel.

bitch bitch bitch you make up these lies to let yourself tell lies to yourself about how you are not selfish and wrong and bitchy and horrible but you are you are and you know it and you know who you owe and what you owe them and you will never escape you will never escape

labrinth is one of the best movies about healing i’ve seen.  i love the faces that are just like “beware!” “go back!” “you are in grave danger!” and the guy is just like, don’t mind them, they have to say that.  and hten they aren’t so scary.  they just have to say that.  i don’t know.  somehting about what the goblin king says.  submit and i’ll give you everything.  and everything is so glittery and cool and sexy and she isn’t.  how could she give that up?

unhappiness is such a small price.  such a small price.  such a small price.  to get away from the loneliness.

but it is all distraction.  even the unhappiness is part of it.  it is all a distraction it is all a crystal ball and smoke and mirrors that look so much better than the real thing.

but it is such a small price, isn’t it?  it seems small to me.

(…)

someone inside says “i cried hysterically”

like they are narrating. who knows. i know we are triggered. i know we are bad. i know we are a bad girl. i know i want to die and am a bad girl. iknow i want to die because i’m a bad girl. i know these things i know them and it hurts like a heartattack can’t sleep it is 3am and wes not even close wes is having a tough time wes is wantin to die wantin to die wantin to die wanting to die we do we do we are we are we are we are we are we are we are we are
i want to die i am a bad girl i am a baf girl i am a bad girl i am a bad girl i know it it hurts like a heart attack i am a bad girl i am a bad girl i am a bad girl i am a bad girl i am a bad girl

i was thinking about my mom. and how after i cut off contact she did things i would NEVER have imagined. like turning up at my door and sitting in the hallway for 2 hours. like breaking into my email. i mean, privacy was like one of her foremost priorities. it was crazy.

and i think it’s because she was (and is) desperate. when we got out of her reach she had to use everything she could to bring us back. i think she cued us 7 ways to sunday. i think she is and has used every trick she has to get us back. that is what i think.

i think when i was in her control in general, she didn’t have to exert nearly as much control or do anything that extreme. but in order to have a CHANCE of keeping me when i stopped communicating with her she was willing to do anything i think. i think she still is. and she has to use much stronger mechanisms. much … crueler. more calculating. she is different than i have known her or parts i didn’t know that well have come out more.
i see now how long we have enabled her, we were her coping mechanism. for years and years and years and i think it helped her function. i wonder sometimes if her body problems are related to this. the timing is interesting. i certainly know they caused a lot of change for us. but i digress.

i think i do not know how to remember these other sides when i am with her nicer ones who don’t even know about the others necessarily and certainly don’t feel the same way.

i don’t know how to maintain my mindset when i speak to her, when i read her words in an email, a txt. she is inside my mind and i am lockstep with her in an instant and i don’t even know it happened.

i have no way of protecting myself from her besides non-contact. and so complete that i can’t even see her emails. because i cant… i can’t protect myself and i am *so* easily *so* easily triggered to her mindset. it is, it is as natural as breathing, more natural than anyone else.

what did mom do when both of us were gone for that one year?

i am her little wonder girl. and there is so much safety in that. she will always love me. no matter what. no matter what i do or what happens, i know she will always love me and always think i am good and amazing.
altho that isn’t true, i have to be her wonder girl to do that. but i can pretty easily, so it doesn’t seem hard (that’s what he said). and it makes her so happy. i don’t know, we just want to be good.

i guess what we finally kind of realized with mom or are realizing or are putting into words is that her hold is so effective, so complete, so imperceptable to us, that we have absolutely no way to defend ourselves. no matter how hard we try. we just … we just can’t. at least not right now. i hope some day to be in a place where i can. but for now…

i guess what i’m realizing is that what makes my mom MOST dangerous is that i am unable to really see how dangerous she is. even though i catch glimpses they dissappear and are never as real as her love feels. and that when i am in communication with her i can’t even see the ways she is drawing me in, converting me, programming me and changing me. i can’t see them at all.

and since i can’t see them, i can’t make it.

it’s like i realized that i don’t have the ability to percieve what she is doing to me.  and so i really can’t be in contact with her because really i have no way of knowing what’s going on.  so i *think* i’m fine and everything is entirely safe, but it isn’t.  it’s a lack of safety without feeling a lack of safety.  or maybe feeling a little of it and not knowing why.  but often if i’m good enough not feeling it at all.

she is still my mom.  and it is still my job to save her.  and she is still a part of me more than anyone else is.  she is tucked away in a locked box because even hints of her cause explosions.  she is nowhere so she is everywhere (someone inside said it should be the other way around).

it’s like quatum phyrics.  like okay the explanation might take you to the conclusion, but it doesn’t *feel* right the way like newton’s laws of motion do.  it doesn’t wuite jibe with my reality.  so it’s hard to accept and remember and understand.

i don’t know.  i think i am learning a lot about my mom right now.  it’s kind of cool.  i’m seeing a lot of light shed on her.

but it still doesn’t *feel* right.  but it does work to increase our general feeling of safety.  mom is more removed from her effects.  it is harder to trace them back.  i think that contributes.

it’s just, what do you do when it doesn’t *feel* right?  it’s a hard state to stay in (someone inside said “that’s what she said” and honestly i have no idea what that means).

it’s just impossible to think of my mom as dangerous because she’s not, she doesn’t see herself that way, and she is so defenseless and weak and needs help.  so how can i possibly put my defenses up.  i guess that’s part of why i can’t see the danger.

my mom is good at making me remember only one reality.  and there are so many and many don’t make her look so good.

my mom doesn’t want to face her stuff.  but god i was the perfect daughter for so long and it got her nowhere.  i have to believe this isn’t just for me.  i have to.

she is my mom.  and she is part of me.  and that is more real than anything.

and yet i continue to not see her.

thank god for the only true defense mechanism i have: disappearing from people’s lives completely and blocking them out of my mind.

i will say, though, that slowly slowly it got less painful not to see her.  so slowly i didn’t even think about it until now when i realized it isn’t that bad at least not at this moment.

i don’t know, there is nothing like being a good little girl for mommy.  it sucks to give it up.  it just fucking sucks.  and it doesn’t make it any fucking easier that it’s healthy and crap.

besides, it’s mommy and me against the world.  i can’t trust anyone else.  anyone else can and will turn on me.  but she never will no matter what because she loves me and needs me and i’m her little wonder girl i am such a good girl.  how can you give up the place where you are a good girl?

there is a tinge that unhealthiness gives things that like, i don’t know what to do without.  to me that is where the satisfaction lives.  i don’t know.  sometimes i wonder if this healing thing is a total fucking waste and we should give up like mommy says.  mommy says we is not so sick just need work on it for real stop thinkin bout abuse and stuff so we can be good girl. mommy says mommy says mommy says she lvoes us.

*snaps* and that is how quickly we are hers again. and she isn’t even talking to us.

Protected: so we had a long talk with m*riad

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who am i kidding?

if m*riad is running away, then i picked them because they would be running away.  and would probably freak out if they weren’t.  i mean, let’s be honest, that would be pretty part for the course (who the fuck wrote part instead of par?).  anyway, we aid our cable bill today so we won’t have it turned off at random, we showered last night for the first time in what i can only imagine was more than 2 weeks.  that felt nice.  we are thinking hapy things from what i*digo cuz kathy liked the rocks we picked out and the geode so they’d always have a cave and that made us happy cuz we really DID mean it like that and it’s nice when it can mean something to others too.  whatever.

but if m*riad is pushing us away, then i’m sure we chose that for that specific reason.  so we’d have something to fix, to focus on.  so we are always chasing.  god, who knows how much we create it?  so we won’t ever feel suffocated, because when it switches (catches breath), it’s just done and you’re never the same in our eyes again.  and we *really* don’t want that to happen.  so maybe this is our way of dealing with that.  maybe this would be a good time to explore those issues.

i mean, why would we want that?  so that the person never gets too close, so that they become a part of us and then they own us and they are EVERYWHERE and we want to die.  yes, definitely rejection is better than that.  e*in dumped us but that was still easier than the stuff with s*ef.  we are always running, towards or away.  what a waste.

we got to hear some of m*riads angry parts and they said some really interesting and cool stuff that really helped us understand things better.  it made us really happy.  we really do like them.  it’s funny, they treat their angry parts like we treat our weak/vulnerable/pathetic/needy parts.  they hide behind the angry ones.  it’s so odd.  i think it makes for trouble but i actually think we learn alot when we can actually step back from the triggers.  god i am so glad we don’t live together.  it’s so important to be able to step back and get perspective.  that’s what happened with s*ef.  she was always there.  even when she wasn’t.  we were so intertwined i didn’t have my own thoughts separate from her.  so i missed all the problems.  i missed that we were having a fair amount of non-consensual sex that made us really angry and resentful and scared.  that we were always tiptoing.  god i’m so glad i can get perspective.  i’m trying to step back, to look at myself.  i think we have a tendancy to focus on other people and their problem’s instead of our own.  something i imagine i share with many type-a-high-functioning multiples.  the shit has to go somewhere.  if you don’t claim it it’ll just go on whoever is nearby.  that’s how we do it and have done it.

i don’t know.  we’re just trying to open ourselves and listen.  somehow i imagine m*riad laughing at that, like thinking we are stupid.  what is that?  what is getting triggered that i think that?  that i see them as so functional that they wouldn’t even respect my getting in touch with my emotions?  that i see them as that far from theirs?  or just that i think they hold me and my processing in that much contempt, i guess.  or that it makes them angry.  i don’t know.  cuz it’s too close to things.  that’s probably mom stuff triggered.  she certainly doesn’t want me exploring stuff.

i got an email from a*ron that was, that was very similar to my own style (i realized later with help).  it was incredibly touching and after reading it and honestly since i have felt like i am crazy to think he’d do anything.  that i am still allowed to protect myself to *feel* safe and on others advice, but that it isn’t true at all.  which is just, i don’t know, interesting i guess.  i just realized that since i’ve read it i really haven’t been able to beleive it’s actually possible that he’d try to trance us or just try to get younger parts to sleep with him.  though some parts say it and show us other things but it is different like the writing.

but i was thinking about my mom’s emails.  and how she has adapted her style to just say she loves me and supports what i’m doing.  and how convinced i am by that.  and how such small and subtle comments and phrasses can lead me without even knowing it to her way of thinking.  and i have to say, if a*ron is doing that, then seriously my hat is off to him.  we are really impressed.  particularly our dark parts.  (smiles).  it’s sophisticated stuff.  just, not many people can really fool us even when we’re looking who aren’t in our family.  wow.  it’s.  wow (smiles like pam in the office episode where she’s impressed by jim).  seriously it would make him a lot cooler and more impressive in our minds.  a lot.

there are channels in that i am only beginning to see.  i think my mom swam them or helped create them and i think we can’t even see them when we are looking right at them.  even knowing that after reading it i basically believed there was no way he’d ever do anything and that he was just a hurt boy who felt alone and was doing his best.  and i guess the thing is that IS true, but there are a lot of parts of him.  it IS true, but possibly only for that part.

he can just, he can play (smiles) it like a piano.  he can access other parts of himself when it’s convenient.  he is almost undetectable.  he is adaptable.  he is amazingly skilled.  he is impressive.

woah.  what is going on?  we feel wierd?  like our face is numb or something in a cloud?  what is going on?

i guess we just keep writing and writing.

i think our greatest weakness may be our basic belief that we are fairly impervious to mind control and are instead actually a threat.  and that we are if anything fascinated by the idea of someone succeesffully doing it on us.  and i just wonder.  i wonder if that works right into their hands.  some things can be so subtle that look like just another cobblestone on the street and you don’t think anything when you trip.

someone almost cried as we played the end of this for kathy yesterday

it’s our secret favorite i think. but i am pretty sure it is in no waay one of our best.  anyway we got wierd playing it today again.  we’re playing through all our songs.  we are crazy missed meds all left at m*riads went there they not there at a*rons got a little triggered but shouldnt called found our own meds tryin wake up not feel so drugged snd crazy and takn advantage of (who wrote that?) help help help says someone but who things are wierd not real have things do but can’t be do anything just so hazy from no drugs cept smoke hope it kicks in people enjoy playin but play fas thtings are odd and bad and scary but dont know why and it doesnt seem that bad here on the outside but who knows what is going on in the pits.

oops

things are cold now wierd now there is nothing to hold on to. i think we are a little bit jealous of m*riad cuz they still have someone to hold on to, i mean it’s all unhealthy but like we mss that and we’ve been twisting in the wind for so long. they talk aboout it like we like are in this distinctly earlier place in our healing and so we have all this time to languish but sometimes i think that things are more complex than that and that we are in different places on different things and maybe it is not so clearly one behind the other. and i guess that is why we get triggered a bit when they like talk about how they can’t take time off because like we don’t feel like we have any more time luxery than they do and we *have* to take time off and it’s not fair and we get jealous that they have the option of functionality (partial or not).
there are just things they have we lost a while ago. someone who loves them so they are never alone. like they didn’t jjust give up on their grades like we did at the beginning of college. like in some ways it feels like there are lots of ways to breakdown and ours is the most obvious but like i don’t think things are that clear. and it’s tough for us to be broken down and hear someone talk about how unacceptable it is to them to be that way. cuz it’s unacceptable to US TOO we just don’t have a choice! so some of us get mad. like it’s not fair. we’re so sick of being the fucking dysfunctional one. every. fucking. time. i guess that’s just what we do. so we have to shine in a lot of other ways to make up for it and now they’re writing songs that are great and it’s like no you can’t do that you are going to SCHOOL and working towards a career you want to be in you can’t tkae this this is like the only tangible thing we have! and we get jealous and angry.
we can’t even think about havign someone to save you from the abyss because we will die for not having one. we will die. how can you give that up? we only did because we were so triggered by s*ef we literally couldn’t be around her without being in absolute terror. but like we miss it like crazy. it SUCKS to be alone. sucks sucks sucks to make your own decisions and not have anyone’s favor to curry and know that that’s all you need to do to be okay. god we miss that. we are definitely jealous. i mean i know others say i t isn’t worht it and whatever but like we still miss it and we’re jealous they have it. who fucking wants the abyss we don’t?
i want to die and my body hurts and i’m crazy and hazy can’t think need to sotp things are har di want to die i want to die.

plus i swear to god i am having the same dream over and over and it’s a theater i think the one at fr and there’s like a show and also i’m in the audience and i need to do a part of seomthing there ‘s a a tsest i don’t kwnow it ha[peens again adn again and someddya i’ll knwo it i wail

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