damn it

another dream.  woke up banging our head against the pillow.  angry cuz in the dream no one cared about us even tho we really needed it and we were angry and tried to act like we didn’t care.  something like a law school and judges but it also looks a bit like a futuristic mall.  failing something important.

something with dad.  i kept refusing to do the things he said.  something like a cross-country trip.  something with  planes or boats moving fast across the water and i’m very scared we’re going to die.

i was angry because no one cared about me.  stef was one of them.  nobody cared.  still tired but no one wants to go back to sleep.  no one cares.

help i want to die

i am insane

i am definitely insane

i am definitely insane

we watched this grey’s and this woman’s heart stopped beating and her husband couldn’t handle it and started pushing it to make it beep and i think we got really triggered or something we flased on the dream where we gave eva cpr and then there was this like wierd idea like she had died was dead and we tried to resustate her and couldn’t and it was too late and she was gone and we felt crazy upset for a second but far away it was

but that is crazy e*a is right here.  people say wierd things like she died and was replaced with someone else that is CRAZY we are CRAZY we are CRAZY it just upset us for a little we barely feel it now except maybe a little that is INSANE

nononoNO nononoNO nonononotevanoteva

it’s gone  it’s gone now  maybe we just can’t write it

i am insane i am insane i am insane

coming back from the dead is a big thing in buffy.  in fact, it’s really wierd when someone impotant dies and DOESN’T come back.  but that only works for mystical deaths, not like human ones like with guns.

we are crazy we are crazy we are crazy we are cray

we see eva like on a bed like sleeping beauty like there is lace hanging she looks like a princess she is dead she is dead already we couldn’t save her says someone she is dead already we couldn’t save her says someone she is dead already we couldn’t save her says someone she is dead already we couldn’t save her says someone she is dead already we couldn’t save her

what the fuck?  are we the prince?  how fucked up is that?  but it feels like she needs cpr.  or something.  i am INSANE and creepy and bad and evil and wrong and horrible and should be punished.

i don’t know, the image is just very clear or something.  or strong.  we are making this up we are making this up we are making this up we are making this up.

but i do know it is too late to save her and it is our fault she is dead.  we just, we can’t handle it.  we can’t.  like when the doctors thought mom had cancer and she was so scared and we died inside and freaked out and kind of fell apart

nononononononono fairy tales.  i took a class on fairy tales.  2.  in one we rewrote them.  i am bad i am a bad girl

is too late can’t save her is too late can’t save her is too late can’t save her is too late can’t save her is too late can’t save her is too late can’t save her is too late can’t save her is too late can’t save her is too late can’t save her is too late can’t save her is too late can’t save her is too late can’t save her is too late can’t save her is too late can’t save her is too late can’t save her

what is wrong with me?  (flash of swat library)  why am i making things up?  just to be cool i guess.  all the cool kids were ritually abused, all the cool kids were programmed, all the cool kids were in cults (make more money as a leader, have more fun as a follower)

i am a bad girl i know it we need to eat but there is nothing here left we want should go shopping don’t want cold raining don’t want but need food i member *efanie used get stuff us that was nice we liked  that s*ef took care of us  e*in acted like she did but she didn’t actually do that much really she was budybusy girl so impotant balhblahblah we hate her anyway stupid

that princess stuff is sick and creepy and i am sick and creepy and i hate myself SO MUCH for it SO MUCH creepy creepy that is my SISTER creepy creepy girrl is a bad girl i know it  i know it i know it i know it i know it know it i know it

really need eat get food

e*a died or passed out or something in the dream

and we tried to give her cpr.  i don’t remember it that well.  it was in that house on the hill that i think of as victorian.

nother nightmare

god, no wonder i never want to go to sleep.  i have one every night. and they seem often quite similar.

one part a house.  lots of shrubbery and a hill keep it away from the street (like barbs?).  so far.  try to get e*a out before the people get out.  keep losing our stuff.  keep having to hide.  keep gettting caught. can’t manage to call police.  can’t get e*a to be careful enough so she (and i) can be safe.

other part at fr.  in gym.  like a dance or ceremony.  also a store?  i don’t know.  travel maybe.

dream

i don’t remember my dream that well but i was trying to convince eva of something and i couldn’t and it really upset me.

i think there was something about proving somehting, i was tyring to convince her of somethng and couldn’t and it really upset me.  i thought it had to do with safety but now i’m not sure.