the final straw

we recorded our last song we had left!  we still have to do real and fancy recordings at m*riads but still we have run-thrus of them all now.

we have a wierd random headache and ear popping like on a plane things are wieerd here.

now we have 8 total up and recorded

Protected: we saw m*riad tonight

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Protected: so we had a long talk with m*riad

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we got all triggerred last nigth cuz m*riad basically told us that they were doing *us* a favor by letting us go with them to therapy and plus they already told us it’s like we’re not there cuz we don’t talk enough.  it is so embarassing cuz i thought we were really helping and trying to provide a really supportive presence and stuff and it’s really embarassing to find out we were really a burden.  it is horribly embarassing.

anyway we got triggered but for some reason thought we shouldn’t leave like that would be too upsetting and so (this is bad i think, like bad etiquette) we kind of hit this spot on our forarm by our wrist a whole bunch because that was one of the few places we could do some actual damage at least cosmetically cuz isn’t that half the fun?) anyway now it totally fucking hurts and we can’t even see it and it makes our left wrist feel like it has carpal tunnel or like a witch is holding it real tight in her claws.

anyway, tho, this extreme of a reaction obviously means this was a big big trigger.  and something extra wierd was going on.  and i think we are still trying to be the good girl.  it’s like we think if we’re supportive and like there for m*riad enough they’ll love us and it doesn’t work that way.  i think before we were trying to be the good girl by not listening to other’s discomfort around a*ron and now we’re trying to be the good girl by saving them from a*ron and that’s not our place to do.  and it wouldn’t make them love us anyway.  and i think i have set this up in my mind where it’s like if i’m good enough they’ll finally love us.  like we’ll be able to save them or whatever.  which is bullshit because who are we to save anyone anyway?

but i think it’s mom stuff.  we thought if we were good enough we could stop her hurting and then she’d love us and it just, it never happened.  we never did enough to make her stop hurting, she just needed more and more until we were drowning and drowned and died.  maybe that’s what killed elizabeth.

so i think we freaked out because it was like that typified everything for us.  like we were trying so hard and thought we were doing such a good job and making things better and then. and then it just collapsed and it turns out at best we just make it worse.  that we will never make it better and that means they will never love us.  we want to be that perfect person who loves when they need to and doesn’t feel when that’s better and says all the right things and we think this time this time we’ll get it and get it right and finally finally she’ll love us.  but it doesn’t work that way.  that ship has sailed.  she will never love us that way.

you will never love me

and why should i even care?

it’s not that your so special

you’re just the cross i bear!

it’s so silly to write the words because alone they are nothing but the way she sings them they are everything so they are only there for evocation not simply communication.  we imagine jill sobule is really singing this to a parent.  we imagine that most upset songs are actually sung to a parent underneath it all, that there is trauma underneath it all and that it is the source of creativity and subversion and counter-culture and that’s why maybe it is tolerable that no matter what we can’t get rid of it.  it’s the ridiculous horrible trade-off.

anyway we are trying to watch ourselves.  i think our continual view of a*ron as helpless and defenseless and hurting and in need of help makes us blind to his dangerous parts.

it is not so impressive to accept one or the other reality, the trick is to see BOTH as true and make THAT work like in the dispossesed (tips hat to m*riad)

that is very much what happens with our mom and i do think that email evoked a lot of that in us and i think that may be the most effective way to get us.  to show an honest struggle with your own personal demons and ask for help.  we will give it any time.  we can’t see anything else when it’s there.  that’s how our mom gets us.  still.  those roads are fresh and clean and we don’t even know when we’re on them.

i don’t know.  i feel like maybe i’m getting closer to things.  maybe.  step.  step a bit to the side and try another route.  step around. step step step.  baby steps to the elevator, baby steps to the door, baby steps past the mother begging for help and baby steps to another without missing a step. baby steps baby steps baby steps.

who am i kidding?

if m*riad is running away, then i picked them because they would be running away.  and would probably freak out if they weren’t.  i mean, let’s be honest, that would be pretty part for the course (who the fuck wrote part instead of par?).  anyway, we aid our cable bill today so we won’t have it turned off at random, we showered last night for the first time in what i can only imagine was more than 2 weeks.  that felt nice.  we are thinking hapy things from what i*digo cuz kathy liked the rocks we picked out and the geode so they’d always have a cave and that made us happy cuz we really DID mean it like that and it’s nice when it can mean something to others too.  whatever.

but if m*riad is pushing us away, then i’m sure we chose that for that specific reason.  so we’d have something to fix, to focus on.  so we are always chasing.  god, who knows how much we create it?  so we won’t ever feel suffocated, because when it switches (catches breath), it’s just done and you’re never the same in our eyes again.  and we *really* don’t want that to happen.  so maybe this is our way of dealing with that.  maybe this would be a good time to explore those issues.

i mean, why would we want that?  so that the person never gets too close, so that they become a part of us and then they own us and they are EVERYWHERE and we want to die.  yes, definitely rejection is better than that.  e*in dumped us but that was still easier than the stuff with s*ef.  we are always running, towards or away.  what a waste.

we got to hear some of m*riads angry parts and they said some really interesting and cool stuff that really helped us understand things better.  it made us really happy.  we really do like them.  it’s funny, they treat their angry parts like we treat our weak/vulnerable/pathetic/needy parts.  they hide behind the angry ones.  it’s so odd.  i think it makes for trouble but i actually think we learn alot when we can actually step back from the triggers.  god i am so glad we don’t live together.  it’s so important to be able to step back and get perspective.  that’s what happened with s*ef.  she was always there.  even when she wasn’t.  we were so intertwined i didn’t have my own thoughts separate from her.  so i missed all the problems.  i missed that we were having a fair amount of non-consensual sex that made us really angry and resentful and scared.  that we were always tiptoing.  god i’m so glad i can get perspective.  i’m trying to step back, to look at myself.  i think we have a tendancy to focus on other people and their problem’s instead of our own.  something i imagine i share with many type-a-high-functioning multiples.  the shit has to go somewhere.  if you don’t claim it it’ll just go on whoever is nearby.  that’s how we do it and have done it.

i don’t know.  we’re just trying to open ourselves and listen.  somehow i imagine m*riad laughing at that, like thinking we are stupid.  what is that?  what is getting triggered that i think that?  that i see them as so functional that they wouldn’t even respect my getting in touch with my emotions?  that i see them as that far from theirs?  or just that i think they hold me and my processing in that much contempt, i guess.  or that it makes them angry.  i don’t know.  cuz it’s too close to things.  that’s probably mom stuff triggered.  she certainly doesn’t want me exploring stuff.

i got an email from a*ron that was, that was very similar to my own style (i realized later with help).  it was incredibly touching and after reading it and honestly since i have felt like i am crazy to think he’d do anything.  that i am still allowed to protect myself to *feel* safe and on others advice, but that it isn’t true at all.  which is just, i don’t know, interesting i guess.  i just realized that since i’ve read it i really haven’t been able to beleive it’s actually possible that he’d try to trance us or just try to get younger parts to sleep with him.  though some parts say it and show us other things but it is different like the writing.

but i was thinking about my mom’s emails.  and how she has adapted her style to just say she loves me and supports what i’m doing.  and how convinced i am by that.  and how such small and subtle comments and phrasses can lead me without even knowing it to her way of thinking.  and i have to say, if a*ron is doing that, then seriously my hat is off to him.  we are really impressed.  particularly our dark parts.  (smiles).  it’s sophisticated stuff.  just, not many people can really fool us even when we’re looking who aren’t in our family.  wow.  it’s.  wow (smiles like pam in the office episode where she’s impressed by jim).  seriously it would make him a lot cooler and more impressive in our minds.  a lot.

there are channels in that i am only beginning to see.  i think my mom swam them or helped create them and i think we can’t even see them when we are looking right at them.  even knowing that after reading it i basically believed there was no way he’d ever do anything and that he was just a hurt boy who felt alone and was doing his best.  and i guess the thing is that IS true, but there are a lot of parts of him.  it IS true, but possibly only for that part.

he can just, he can play (smiles) it like a piano.  he can access other parts of himself when it’s convenient.  he is almost undetectable.  he is adaptable.  he is amazingly skilled.  he is impressive.

woah.  what is going on?  we feel wierd?  like our face is numb or something in a cloud?  what is going on?

i guess we just keep writing and writing.

i think our greatest weakness may be our basic belief that we are fairly impervious to mind control and are instead actually a threat.  and that we are if anything fascinated by the idea of someone succeesffully doing it on us.  and i just wonder.  i wonder if that works right into their hands.  some things can be so subtle that look like just another cobblestone on the street and you don’t think anything when you trip.

m*riad and us talked

i think wes are really similar.  both of us are constantly striving for the other’s love/apporval and (in their own mind) never getting it.  i don’t really know what to do about it.  we both have mom issues triggered big time, tho these are not my usual mom issues cuz those involve feeling suffocated they are early childhood stuff i think

i don’t know what to do about it. we trigger each other so much, it’s like a katamari in the candy level just bouncing around hitting everything getting bigger and bigger.  it’s like avoiding the cow and cow-colored objects.

i can’t help but feel responsable. i am so bad at handling my triggers, at showing them, i am so new to it so i do it badly, with many defenses, i can’t show my fear and vulnerability mostly and only cometimes speak of it.

panda girl

i hope they want to work on it.  cuz we do.  but e*in didn’t but she said she did but she didn’t she was tired of it already.  we think that maybe we could try to think of ways to handle expressing our triggers or like something like a game or i don’t know something like a phrasing or a something.  i don’t know.  i am a bitch.  i want to die.

i think part of what triggers us

when m*riad gets tired and needs to go to sleep is that we have to leave and go back to our apartment.  something about the leaving and the hall and maybe even the elevator.  something about getting kicked out fo the room because you’re no longer useful or loved.  i don’t know.  i am such a bitch.  i want to die.

i just know i am sure that they don’t love us when that heppens.  i had a thing about leaving e*in’s and going home too.  something about being alone and rejected. walking home, walking back to your room.  something like that.

i am such a bitch.

i want to die

they say they love me.  why can’t i feel it?

scared and crying inside.

we are pretty sure m*riad thinks we are too much work

it’s too much work to make our pleasers feel useful, it’s too much work to process, it’s too much work to deal with our triggers.  i don’t know.  it’s a tough thing for us.  our whole body tightens and gets cold our head detaches and floats like a balloon.  we play katamari to ignore the feeling.  it is definitely one of the scariest.  we just sit and sift when we can and try to catch the threads and figure out what we are feeling and

lots of distraction of katamari today.  lots of smoke.  not much remembered now.  we feel very alone.  alone and sad and scared.

also that’s why e*in broke up with me really.  i was way too much work.  it is truly the worst thing.

just the idea that we are too much work sets our heart beating hard and fast.  it is the opposite of how we are supposed to be.  the opposite.  it is the worst thing.  it is the WORST i want to die i do i want to die i do i want to die i can’t do this i can’t do this i don’t even know what’s going on i’m just trying to hang on dammit this is too hard i want to die i am so alone and scared and alone and scared and alone and unloved and scared and alone and sad and cold and scared and alone and saf and alone adn sad and scaared and i want to die i want todie i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die we feel like we are trancing i*digo said it woulda freaked them out if kathy talked in a way too make them trance a bit even if they took them out of it and secret secret it did feel wierd and other people say all this crazy stuff about her wanting to do stuff because they are crazy and show us pictures that are not real but we are bad i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die

it took the process like over a day to run, but i think we figured out that we are scared and sad that we are too much work.  plus all the a*ron stuff, which believe me is here all over but i can’t write about it here.  yet says someone.  ever say i.

elizabeth wants to die and should die.  elizabeth wants to die and sshould die.  elizabeth wants to die and should die.  elizabeth wants to die and should die.  elizabeth wants to die and should die.  wleizabeth wants to die and should die.  elizabeth wants to die and hshould die.  every day the dreams get closer and closer to branching into here.

i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i’ve been hearing high-pitched tones for a while but i didn’t tell nobody cuz theys not real so i didn’t say i am a good girl i can be i am i can be i am.  the worst disgrace is to not be a good girl, to be a bother and be work.  it is so scary.  to not be a good girl and make everything better like a good girl does that is what she does.  that is what she does.  that is what she does that is what she does that is what she does always posed be good to be around not be work posed be good bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl then everyone will hate me everyoone will hate me they’re all against me an they’ll turn against me if i’m not good enough if i’m bad they’ll turn against me and i’ll be alone and not be able to get them back so can’t be bad can’t let them find out i’m bad can’t let them

today is scary everything is scary we feel so alone and sad and scared and it is difficult here

i am sad and small and scared

i know i am a bad girl.  i know that for sure.  i know i am bad very bad and scared.  i know things are not safe and not what they appear to be.  i know that no one is safe.  i know that i am not safe.  i know that i don’t know things and i know some of those things may be important.  i know no one cares.  i know i am alone.  i know i am bad and hated.

i think some of us think that m*riad must really hate us.  for various reasons.  because our pleasers are so unsuccessful and actually make things worse.  it is so shameful to write that.  it is so shameful.  for other reasons too. that have to do with a*ron and i can’t quite explain.

maybe i should explain about me and a*ron.  i know a*ron cuz he is m*riads ex who they used to live with up until soon after.  so now they live in our building.  we still see a*ron with m*riads.  um, he does stuff we do not agree with with m*riads and that upsets us.  and we told him.  and he wrote sumthin back thats a secret so can’t say it.  anyways we is tryin help get him to counselor.

but also he is like um on the bus once when wes alone cuz we tries never be he told us this stuff bout how he learned make multiple gotta do this stuff and trance and put im in a freezer til almost die take em out they love you forever want please you never die not a fear thing as much you are a saviour you are the one who takes away the pain and also how put m*riads in and out of trance.  so yeah.  they showed it on us maybe we tranced a little i don’t know.  it was wierd.  we are wierd and people yell we must be making this up.

i think it is tough for us that m*riad can’t be more of a support on this.  like obviously it’s super complicated and that makes sense but i guess it hurts a little for those who can’t get that and they just wish they would protect us.  butt there are so many parts and we are not dating the vast majority of them and they have their own ways of doing things and their own perspectives.  but it hurts still a little that it seems like maybe they aren’t that concerned for us or something.

i don’t know.  i think we wish for protectors.  like we told j*ga and like billie came out and like was like so mad and wanted to kill a*ron.  and it made us kind of happy a littlee, like it makes us smile even now.  and i KNOW we are bad to make comparisons but we do it anyway because we are so bad.

i guess it’s just been hard to realize that m*riad is really no more stable than we are.  or no more in control.  or something.

i don’t know.  some of us want them to be mad and like want to protect us and like take care of us and stuff and we KNOW they can’t cuz they have other stuff going on and this means lots of stuff for them and it is VERY complicated but that is still what we want because we are bad.  we want them to want to protect us and take care of us.

help help help things are so scary so scary.  kathy and i*digos and everyone was sayin a*ron like try hypnotize us or sumthin try get us sleep with him met with him and we wouldn’t even knw.

why don’t they want to protect us?  (little ones inside cry).  we must not be very loveable.  we thought isf we were loveable enough they would want to but it didn’t work.  oh well.  we are bad and in the dark.

we just wanted someone to protect us.

also our body hurts in different places and some of them are bad.  we have been so scared lately.  so scared.  they must hate us.  they must not love us.

i think the thing with a*ron doesn’t so much change how we feel as validate fears we were uncomfortable aming.  like why we won’t ever be alone with him.  except really this time on the bus.

mommy mommy why won’t you protect me?

mommy protects herself.  mommy protects herself cuz she needs it gotta be a good little girl a good little girl and help out help protect her i can do it i can be a good girl a really good girl and i can protect her and i can take daddy and i can be a good girl (smiles)  i can i can be such a good girl take good care fo mommy and daddy i can be such a good girl i can i can i swear a good girl takes care of mommy for being sad and hurt by daddy i can help i can help (smiles bigger and bites lip).  i can be such a good girl i can please let me i can i can make it all better.  this good girl makes it all better, okay?  she makes it all better.  she is a good girl in every way she can so she can make it all better she is such a good girl and she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better (was there a closet in their room?  i call it daddys room in my head)

i know how to be a good little girl i do i make people happy and make it all better.  i can make it all better i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can

shes a good girl isn’t she?  isn’t she?  she’s a good girl now right?  good girl?  she did a good job is a good girl saved mommy so mommy loves her now right?  right?  she did a good job right (eyes wet)?  dicn’t she?   she did such a good job saved mommy helped daddy made mommy all better she was such a good girl she was look at her she was such a good girl she took care of everything.  that’s what a good girl does.  she takes care of everything and i am a good girl right?  i am right?  i did good not bad?  i did good made it better?  for mommy?  i am a good girl who lvoes you and now you love me right?  then mommy holds me and loves me and i am such a good girl (smiles big, eyes wet).  then she loves me so much and i am such a good girl i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better please let me make it all better so you can love me mommy?

when will mommy love me?  mommy will love me when i’m a good girl when i take ccare of everything (flash of a corner of dad’s room).  mommy will love me then for being so good such a good girl she is such a good girl she is such a good girl.  mommy doesn’t mean for me to be hurt, she just needs to be protected.  she just needs to be protected.  she doesn’t mean it that way.  she doesn’t mean it.  she just needs help (flash of that hospial that is so light and airy and white with the room with the sunny window and the bed and i was reading a book).  she just needs help that little mommy so she needed me to make it all better like a good girl makes it all better i can be such a good girl i can watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me the good girl gets her face all wet but that just means she as a good girl clean up

she is a bad girl i think a bad girl for not doing ehr job. seh is a bad girl i think for not doing her job and protecting mommy.  she is a bad girl and a bad girl and a bad girl mommy needs her mommy needs her protection she can take it she can do it instead she can do it and be a good girl and make it all better and be a good girl and be good enough and make it all better and then be loved but then not loved so sad tried so hard all dirty face wet but she can’t love us now she hurts too much mommy hurts all the time poor mommy i can make it better with my dripping face i can be such a good willte girl i can protect her and be the best girl in the whole world in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i amd the best girl in the whoe wide world because i helped mommy and made it better i did i am a bad girl but i did it see (flash of e*a’s old room) i am a little bitch i make it better because i am so good i can make it all better

i am so good i can make it all better (smiles big especially on left side of face).  i am such a bad girl but i can be good and make it all better i can be so good i can do anything and i alway smaek it better for mommy all better so she can rest and sleep and be safe. i take care of her i am a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am see?  i am such a good girl.  i know i am cuz i di a good job but then when i don’t then i’m a bad girl and mommy won’t love me cuz she gets hurt she needs me to take care of her she does i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can protect her i can protect her i can protect her i can protect her and be a good little girl who is very good so good she is so good look how good she is takes care of everytihing like a good little girl what a good little girl someone should hug her she did such a good job she takes care of eveyrhting what a good little girl mommy loves her so much she is so good so good to mommy so good she makes everything all better what a good litttle girl she makes everything all better what a good little girl she makes everything all better what a good little girl she makes everything all better isn’t she a good girl she is right i know she is if she makes everything all bettter she can be good she can be good to daddy and make it better for mommy she can be a good girl she can be a good girl a good girl a good girl  good girl a good girl (almost remembers a flash of childhood but it slips thoruhg our graasp).  help help help we are so scared we try to be good but we are so scared and even whem we are good we are bad even when we are good we are bad we are worthless watn to die i want to die can we die so we aren’t worthless anymore please can we die and make it better (downstairs in brooklyn).

ahhh.  i’m sorry i can’t just do anymore i just can’t it is too much this pleasing mommy gotta please mommy make her happy so she’ll love us make her happy so she’ll love us make her happy so shell love us take care of her do everything do anything take carre of her protect her be a good girl you bitch be a good girl and help her out just help her out just help her out don’t be selfish she needs you you bitch don’t be selfish you are pointless and bad and horrible and a bitch and i want to die i want to die this is bad i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die

help help help help help help help help help i’m o scared but the only way for people to love you is to be good otherwise stay away stay away stay away just be good and its fine its not that heard its not that hard its not be a good girl its not that hard help mommy she needs it you are a good girl you are be a good girl she is a good girl she is a good girl she is a good girl she is a godo girl she hated me i know she did she resented me and wanted me to be hurt i know she did she needed our help she just needed us

she wanted us dead.  she hated us.  she did.  she looked at us and we saw it how she hated us and wanted us to take her pain.  we saw it.  we did.  and we’d do anything not to see it anymore.

(an odd incredible calmness, or at least relative since the typing had been so frenzied)

seems like a good place to leave it. i’m not rereading it.  hope i’m not bad.

but whatever.

truly, though, i can be quite a good girl. if you lget me.  then you love me and i am so happy and loved and loved and loved so much cuz i was a good girl such a good girl. such a good girl.

s*ef hated me when i didn’t want to sleep with her.  everything changed like lightening then we were bad it was cold and theres shocks sin the air we just wanted it to be nice so she scould lvoe us.

wow, mom really set us up as an easy mark.  i guess that’s why we stay so fucking far away from everyone, huh?  why do we keep typing, this is awwful and i want to stop.  i want to take a break and reward myself for doing so well.  i’ve been sitting the fuck around scared out of my mind trying to think when i can and see wha’ts up and hoping i’d get somewehre so i should be fucking brilliant i should be fucking proud but i’m not i’m’ scared and sad and want my mommy to love me

that’s the thing, tho. she never will.  not me.  only the good girl.  two songs we’ve been playing/watching alot:

creep (cover by brandi carlile, which is so fucking awesoem and gritty and growly)

mexican wrestler – jill sobule

plus the usual

throw it all away by brandi carlile (i love her expressions)

whatever.  everything is wierd and tough and i’m trying to figure it out and listen to peopla dn what the fuck.  i’m smoking like a fucking chimney adn my body hurts and i have eaten littel and i bought this stupid large pizza anyway and now no one wants it and we neeed to order groceries and i can’t leave the apartment or shower or anything.  i don’t know.  things are fucking ough.  i’m jealous of people who can do any kind of tangible functioning.  i am really fucking jealous.  i am such a pathetic loser.  and blah it’s my emergency period but it still fucking sucks.  it fucking sucks to be totally disfunctional you know that.  it just sucks and i am really fucking tired of it but whatever tehere is nothing i can do i want to die i want to die i want to die iw ant ot die i want to die i want to die

mom couldn’t rotect us after we moved, we had to negotiate all our visitation and stuff with him.  i guess there’s no reason to think she could have in brooklyn.  i mean, he was a scary guy and she lived with him and couldn’t even protect herself.  she did the best she could.  she ahd her own apartment place for being sometimes it was filled iwth stuuff and messy and stuff i don’t remember it will.  i need to stop typing this is bullshit i need to stop i can’t do this anything anymore my heart is going to burts why cn’t i stop i can’t do this i am blocking it out with smoek and video right

NOW

sad at you

we were talking to m*riad’s littles and they said they felt like they’d never be good enough for us because we were always upset with them so it was never safe and how it made them so sad.  and i just listened, and tried to explain, and took it all in because this was gospel.  this was sadness, sad *kids*.  i don’t know, we didn’t even get it at first but like we were getting sadder and sadder and we realized more and more how much we hurt them and how sad we made them. and how bad we are.  but it is almost a different kind of bad.  it is the bad for causing sadness..

m*riad said they were inward focused and we’d maybe never dated someone like that inward DIRECTED i mean.  and so we is bad.  we must be more outward directed.  i think that is the bad one.

i don’t know, it was just that slow dawning of realizing that yet again, we are the cause of someone’s suffering and for someone feeling that they are *bad* or not good enough (funny i’d never thought about the good/bad commonality between those before wierd).

i don’t know.  we are just, we are just a destructive force.  it’s kind of part of who and what we are.  we aren’t all inwardly focused and our hurt comes out as anger and hurts people.  we are just, we are always scary and a bit of a monster.  we are always angry, we blow up out of nowhere.  we are scary.  e*a, e*in, s*ef all told us this.  e*a was the first person to tell us when we were maybe i don’t know i would guess 10 or 11 that she was scared of us when we were angry and we were physically threatening and grabbed her arm and stuff and just very aggressive and scary.  i don’t know.  i know it’s in me.

i mean i guess i just head myself saying that i just had too high expectations and that they couldn’t meet that and i have to work on that and knowing that i am unequivocally bad.  that i am doing something really wrong that hurts them.  that it is my fault and my respponsability.

i mean really i was just feeling how sad they were at first and then as we talked it dawned more an dmore on us how much this was our fault.  how much we were hurting them by expecting them to react perfectly when we’re triggered and  getting angry or resentful or upset or mistrustful when they don’t.  it is the monster, it is the dragon with braids and long teeth and the braids wave in the air and the wind blows fast and there is light and motion.

but well, it is just very us to have a consistent pattern of hurting someone with out anger.  it’s the reason why, in the end, we can never be unequivocally not bad.  it is that we do wrong things that are definitely wrong and hurt people and make them sad.

i don’t know, there is a specific feeling you get from watching/feeling suffering that you have caused with your selfishness and impossible demands.  we are never good.  there is just, there is the punishment of seeing the hurt you have caused and can’t take back.  it is such a familiar feeeling that my chest is almost heavy with it.

i think that feeling should be my feeling.  it should be named after me.  it should be formed in my image and rolled in my dust and dropped from my rooftop.

there is always the hurt i have caused with my sadness and my selfishness.  i hurt mom alot before i finally got better and stopped being selfish and started caring about her and what was going on with her and helping tho sometimes i was still a bitch and so mena and a brat and a bad girl.

she just got so sad.  so sad.  so sad.  i guess that’s what the throw it all away song is about for us is like she’d throw it all away but it wouldn’t make it better.  there is the suffering that you have caused.  there is always the suffering that you have  caused that was in yur name.

to know that you are the danger, that you are the problem, the unsafety, the threat.  it is a heady feeling says someone.  it is surely a unique one.  in some ways it feels like when everything goes quiet when a plane takes off.  it is just, oh you are back here again.  there is no denying it. it is just who you are.  you are the causer of sadness, of suffering.  you are the break and the breaker and broken.  you are the stars and the moon and the sea and the sun and the wild and the dark and the night and they sky and the heart and the tremble and the trumpet and the seen…  you are everything and you are responsible for everything.

it is always surprising to find out that we wielded power we didn’t even know we had, that we were a giant who unthinkingly crushed a village swinging their hand around or running it over the grass.

i don’t know, we are just always the evil princess.  and e*a is the good princess and mom is the wicked step-mother and dad is the dad and greandmommy is the wicked fairy godmother.  we are bad and worthless.