Protected: am i crazy?

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Protected: what is my problem?

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we found a borderliner in a pink dress with dirt on her

on a hard floor with maybe chains but they weren’t on.  anyway, we tried to listen blahblahblah we made her a pillow person, who is someone who is a person in that they are warm and feel like a person, but like a pillow in that they have no sexual organs whatsoever or sexual feeling at all

i think at times like this with these people all kindness can seem like sexual advances and that scares the living hell out of us and we don’t know what to do about that

anyway the pillow person somes and cuddles the borderliner but really lies next to her and holds her and he has NO sexual organs and he isNOT A FUCKING WOMAN (did i mention the borderliners are closely related and/or are some of the mysoginists?  yeah, we have real problems with women.  but just women who want or need anything from us that is like part of their being a woman women get whatever they fucking want and we fucking hate them we fucking HATE them they are all so passive-aggressive and worthless and flirty and needing attention and love and need need need they are are so fucking annoying we fucking hate them we fucking hate having sex with them and how we have to do it because it’s our fucking job we fucking hate women)

woah.  ok.  i think when we are around m*riad and we sense (which could be completely off) that they are blocking stuff or like i don’t know being more funcitonal that way we get freaked out and we don’t know why because they are being perfectly wonderful and nice so what is wrong with that and it’s nice to have ided that.  mom was scarier when she was farther from her stuff.  she was scary when she was close toob but it was different scary.  not less, jus different.

anyway the pillow person is not a friend or someone who cares too strongly about us.  but they don’t mind and  may even like holding us but no more than we want and they NEVER want anything more ever it isn’t even possible for them.  we love the pillow person and he is with

men can be scary.  but women are a MILLION times fucking scarier because you can’t say no because you have to be nice and take care of them and take away their pain.  it’s internal force, not external.  it’s a pull not a push and we fucking hate it we fucking hate women seriously we do

and this is not a problwm because we are genderqueer.  period.  not a genderqueer woman.  we might be female, many of us definitely are.  but NONE of us.  and i mean fucking NONE of us, are women.  gals, girls, ladies, guys, whatever.  no. fucking. women. allowed.

it’s amazing how much mysogeny you get to get away with when you are female-bodied.  seriously.  i bet i get away even with this.

what does get away with mean?  who is the judge?  who. is the. judge.

like we don’t know.  we told noreen.  we told her.  we told her that she’s in a judge’s robe at the bench with a gavel.

i want to die.

everything hurts.

and everything is horrible.

wow

we have been a total *shit* to our borderliners.  fucking a.  no wonder they got the book on borderline stuff and were looking for treatment.  we are just so pissed that they are pathetic and needy and lonely and clingy and angry and jealous and bitter and wrong.  so we try to keep them quiet.

and they have been really upset and hurt and lonely.  they have so much to do with mom.  and we don’t want to look at them or listen to them so we’re like be quiet  you aren’t talking about the root issues anyway which are about mom so we get to keep them silent.  but what they say is of interest too and however the issues manifest wow already i don’t understand or believe this

the botderliners fixate on myriad (mostly) and other things beyond their control (somewhat) and we hate them and want them to die.  wow.  that is not nice.  they must be somewhat pissed.

i was trying to think of what kind of nice thing we could do for the borderliners.  i mean, by their very nature they want comfort and love from external sources.  so how can *we* give them anything?

i guess someone was thinking some kind of board they could write what they are feeling on.  maybe they are the oones who want to buy the rolll of shiteboard material so we can put it on our waalls.  i think they are the ones who came out when we shroomed and wrote “fuck you” all over the walls of b*igid’s little room in our triple.

speaking of b*igid, i heard from her recently and it made me really happy.  i do miss her.  so much.  even now.  even still.  i would do almost anything to get her to move here.  maybe she still will.  i imagine neither her or k*ith really want to move back near their families.  i miss her somuch.  i miss talking to her.  i miss how funny she is and i just, i miss how being around her made me feel.  her and a*i.  who i think will for real try to come here for her residency so that would be amazing.

are we diverting?  or is this off topic?  how do you know when to explore and whne not to?  i feel like i used to knnow these things or something.

fucking a we are so low and our guy still doesn’t know when he can meet us and we are trying not to be annnoying and harangue him but we want to know.  we have to stop letting this happen.  we have to set aside at least an eigth and when we get to it we call our guy.  dammit this time we have to do that.  we smoke i think about 2/3 – 3/4 of an ounce a month, which i think is a lot.  it’s certainly expensive.  we are.  we are thinking about trying to work on it.  but that kind of self-control is very trigering so we have to be carefaul and fuck that and fuck everything

fuck everything we want nail polish pink nail pilish sparkly and hologram glitters and pretty and pretty and pretty

i dont kno i want to die everythimg hurts and our neck especially we always sleep on our stomache niw

you know what it is?

i want to pretend things are different but they aren’t.  they are the same as when it was tense.  the issues is still there and real.  and i want it not to be.  and it is.  and i’m not supposed to talk about it.  so i don’t.

Protected: i guess in some ways

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