i have no idea whether this is apprpriate or not

but m*riads told me once that the only (best?) defense they had was to tell and tell and tell.  and so in that vein… i guess if it’s inappropriate i’ll find our and decide what to do from there.

so here is what i think.  i think that a lot of parts of a*ron that used to be out are locked inside.  i think they’ve been locked away for a while.  i think the part or part(s) that is keeping them locked away is doing anything and everything in his/their power to maintain that.  i think that part is very strong.  i think that part is very smart.  i do *not* meet people who are as skilled at manipulating as i am, certainly who are not also more comfortable using it in extreme and risky ways.  i do *not* meet people who have the ability to access other parts and use them to best mimic another person’s thought process and what would appeal to them.  i am impressed, perhaps above all else.

but i do think those parts are trapped.  and i don’t think they can get out while he/they is this strong.  and i think he is trapped too, whether he knows it or not.  i think the labrinth is beautiful and glamorous and relies on never seeing.  i think the songs could be about something else.

but what do i know?  i guess i think i have held the crystal ball myself and i recognise the sleight of hand.  now.  but even i am easily hypnotized.  which is why i really can’t be in contact.  it would take someone as skilled as me to fool me.  i think he is strong.

those are the things that i think.  i think i am a threat to him now that i see at least part of what’s going on.  i think that is the biggest and only real threat to the labrinth.  but it is only me.  and i was at best a side project, and probably just a bonus and perhaps someone to shore up support or at least not be an obstacle.  i don’t know really.  it is too bad i can’t talk to him.  that i am not strong enough, not aware enough or in control enough of my triggers.  it’s too bad they don’t make babel fish for that.

lots of body pains with our period but they are up up.  we sleep almost on our stomache now, which is super bad for our back.  we need to get adjusted.  we need to do a lot of things.

i also think that actively exploring these thoughts is an important part of my defense.  and that i am getting much more pain from my sides around my stomache and don’t know what’s going on.  what is going on??

help help help help says someone inside

(…)

scared-mommie-final

plus

we got all triggerred last nigth cuz m*riad basically told us that they were doing *us* a favor by letting us go with them to therapy and plus they already told us it’s like we’re not there cuz we don’t talk enough.  it is so embarassing cuz i thought we were really helping and trying to provide a really supportive presence and stuff and it’s really embarassing to find out we were really a burden.  it is horribly embarassing.

anyway we got triggered but for some reason thought we shouldn’t leave like that would be too upsetting and so (this is bad i think, like bad etiquette) we kind of hit this spot on our forarm by our wrist a whole bunch because that was one of the few places we could do some actual damage at least cosmetically cuz isn’t that half the fun?) anyway now it totally fucking hurts and we can’t even see it and it makes our left wrist feel like it has carpal tunnel or like a witch is holding it real tight in her claws.

anyway, tho, this extreme of a reaction obviously means this was a big big trigger.  and something extra wierd was going on.  and i think we are still trying to be the good girl.  it’s like we think if we’re supportive and like there for m*riad enough they’ll love us and it doesn’t work that way.  i think before we were trying to be the good girl by not listening to other’s discomfort around a*ron and now we’re trying to be the good girl by saving them from a*ron and that’s not our place to do.  and it wouldn’t make them love us anyway.  and i think i have set this up in my mind where it’s like if i’m good enough they’ll finally love us.  like we’ll be able to save them or whatever.  which is bullshit because who are we to save anyone anyway?

but i think it’s mom stuff.  we thought if we were good enough we could stop her hurting and then she’d love us and it just, it never happened.  we never did enough to make her stop hurting, she just needed more and more until we were drowning and drowned and died.  maybe that’s what killed elizabeth.

so i think we freaked out because it was like that typified everything for us.  like we were trying so hard and thought we were doing such a good job and making things better and then. and then it just collapsed and it turns out at best we just make it worse.  that we will never make it better and that means they will never love us.  we want to be that perfect person who loves when they need to and doesn’t feel when that’s better and says all the right things and we think this time this time we’ll get it and get it right and finally finally she’ll love us.  but it doesn’t work that way.  that ship has sailed.  she will never love us that way.

you will never love me

and why should i even care?

it’s not that your so special

you’re just the cross i bear!

it’s so silly to write the words because alone they are nothing but the way she sings them they are everything so they are only there for evocation not simply communication.  we imagine jill sobule is really singing this to a parent.  we imagine that most upset songs are actually sung to a parent underneath it all, that there is trauma underneath it all and that it is the source of creativity and subversion and counter-culture and that’s why maybe it is tolerable that no matter what we can’t get rid of it.  it’s the ridiculous horrible trade-off.

anyway we are trying to watch ourselves.  i think our continual view of a*ron as helpless and defenseless and hurting and in need of help makes us blind to his dangerous parts.

it is not so impressive to accept one or the other reality, the trick is to see BOTH as true and make THAT work like in the dispossesed (tips hat to m*riad)

that is very much what happens with our mom and i do think that email evoked a lot of that in us and i think that may be the most effective way to get us.  to show an honest struggle with your own personal demons and ask for help.  we will give it any time.  we can’t see anything else when it’s there.  that’s how our mom gets us.  still.  those roads are fresh and clean and we don’t even know when we’re on them.

i don’t know.  i feel like maybe i’m getting closer to things.  maybe.  step.  step a bit to the side and try another route.  step around. step step step.  baby steps to the elevator, baby steps to the door, baby steps past the mother begging for help and baby steps to another without missing a step. baby steps baby steps baby steps.

some of us think it is hilarious that anyone thinks we would judge a*ron

(laughs)  why?  cuz his “bad” parts have been detected and done “tangibly wrong” things?  that’s fucking luck, people.  that is fucking. luck.

what?  does m*riad think we make these ideas out of thin air?  that we just *guess* at how he might be thinking as a sweet little innocent victim?

we know because we have those parts too.  we do.  and whether we are ever discovered to be doing or have done anything “bad” is just luck of the draw my friend.  it is just luck of the draw.

like we would judge them.  some of us *envy* them because they get to actually go out and *do* the stuff they want.  so there you go.  (laughs) like we could judge a*ron.

we can only imagine what he might be capable of by imagining what we might be under similar circumstances.   it is not judgment.  god, it is nothing like judgment.  or hate.  it is the sad understanding of someone who really doesn’t want to know anyway.

like we don’t know what it’s like to just *need* something that you cannot really accept that you need.  how reality twists how you get so used to reality twisting that it never looks straight anyway.  to have your life based around never knowing. but doing.  it is different than a denier, though we’ve been that too.  that is knowing and enabling at most.  but knowing and doing.  you have to know it or you don’t.  you either get it or you don’t.

it is funny what parts live in internal worlds and which ones get made external.  like we don’t understand addiction to abuse, to *abusing*, as the only way to make the pain stop.  like we don’t get how that is the only time things are okay and everything else is just screaming pain until you can again.  like we don’t get that.

how could we judge a*ron?  we are just so thankful that we have been luckier than him.  that our breakdown happened the way it did.  god we are so thankful.  it could so easily be us.  don’t you see that?  we all have abusers and it is a matter of them slipping out or not and once they are out all the rules change because then it is just maintenance.  make sure they don’t think too much, don’t see quite what’s goin on.  it’s desperate.  and you can’t know it’s happening.  not for too long at least.

i get closer and closer to these dreams but the steps are so small its infuriating

and if they get out and you get caught you’re bad, and otherwise you’re not.  it sucks.  it sucks for people who’d rather be bad than weak.  bad than pathetic.  abuser than victim because you have to be one that’s just how it is.  and it is addictive.  on both sides.  we have been thinking alot about the differences in the draw, in the relationship to the abuse as abuser and victim.  some of us think we don’t have enough victim experience as adults to know.

we are always one with the abusers.  in the stories, when people talk, we work hard not to show it but that is who we identify with, or at least feel a strong connection.  they are us.  (laughs) there is nothing to judge from here, my friend.

i think it’s a risk a*ron might try to trance me because i think our parts might try something similar in his situation.  once you’re out you’re out.  you are already bad, the dice has been rolled, it’s over.

i think when we hear about abusers we feel this fear of someone who hasn’t been caught yet and is relieved it wasn’t them and scared people are getting closer.

i just, why is it so different when those parts do it outside rather than inside?  i mean not for the victim, externally there is effect on the victim.  but in terms of “badness”, isn’t it just luck?  is there a difference?  our worlds are so mixed anyway how could it even mean anything?

i think abusers have to work hard on maintaining the victim’s mindset, at least that’s how it is for us.  there is a constant worry that they will think too much, figure it out.  you are against thinking, exploring.  detection detection above all else.  because detection means you don’t control the reality anymore, it is subject to other standards.  and i think for  us abuse is all about controling someone else’s reality.  so there is such a need to maintain it maintain it maintain it and you’re biggest fear is they will slip out and you will lose them.  there are so many ways, you have to work hard to maintain the structure, fix leaks plug holes patch drywall anything that needs to be done.

help i’m scared says someone inside

bad or weak.  bad or weak.  we choose bad if we absolutely have to.  i think that’s why we just try to take ourselves out of that equation.

it’s not like we don’t admire a*ron for possibly getting stuff past us.  (smiles), our dark parts want to learn from him.  or at least they are suitably impressed.

like we could hate him for that.  all our hate for it is reserved for ourselves.

sad at you

we were talking to m*riad’s littles and they said they felt like they’d never be good enough for us because we were always upset with them so it was never safe and how it made them so sad.  and i just listened, and tried to explain, and took it all in because this was gospel.  this was sadness, sad *kids*.  i don’t know, we didn’t even get it at first but like we were getting sadder and sadder and we realized more and more how much we hurt them and how sad we made them. and how bad we are.  but it is almost a different kind of bad.  it is the bad for causing sadness..

m*riad said they were inward focused and we’d maybe never dated someone like that inward DIRECTED i mean.  and so we is bad.  we must be more outward directed.  i think that is the bad one.

i don’t know, it was just that slow dawning of realizing that yet again, we are the cause of someone’s suffering and for someone feeling that they are *bad* or not good enough (funny i’d never thought about the good/bad commonality between those before wierd).

i don’t know.  we are just, we are just a destructive force.  it’s kind of part of who and what we are.  we aren’t all inwardly focused and our hurt comes out as anger and hurts people.  we are just, we are always scary and a bit of a monster.  we are always angry, we blow up out of nowhere.  we are scary.  e*a, e*in, s*ef all told us this.  e*a was the first person to tell us when we were maybe i don’t know i would guess 10 or 11 that she was scared of us when we were angry and we were physically threatening and grabbed her arm and stuff and just very aggressive and scary.  i don’t know.  i know it’s in me.

i mean i guess i just head myself saying that i just had too high expectations and that they couldn’t meet that and i have to work on that and knowing that i am unequivocally bad.  that i am doing something really wrong that hurts them.  that it is my fault and my respponsability.

i mean really i was just feeling how sad they were at first and then as we talked it dawned more an dmore on us how much this was our fault.  how much we were hurting them by expecting them to react perfectly when we’re triggered and  getting angry or resentful or upset or mistrustful when they don’t.  it is the monster, it is the dragon with braids and long teeth and the braids wave in the air and the wind blows fast and there is light and motion.

but well, it is just very us to have a consistent pattern of hurting someone with out anger.  it’s the reason why, in the end, we can never be unequivocally not bad.  it is that we do wrong things that are definitely wrong and hurt people and make them sad.

i don’t know, there is a specific feeling you get from watching/feeling suffering that you have caused with your selfishness and impossible demands.  we are never good.  there is just, there is the punishment of seeing the hurt you have caused and can’t take back.  it is such a familiar feeeling that my chest is almost heavy with it.

i think that feeling should be my feeling.  it should be named after me.  it should be formed in my image and rolled in my dust and dropped from my rooftop.

there is always the hurt i have caused with my sadness and my selfishness.  i hurt mom alot before i finally got better and stopped being selfish and started caring about her and what was going on with her and helping tho sometimes i was still a bitch and so mena and a brat and a bad girl.

she just got so sad.  so sad.  so sad.  i guess that’s what the throw it all away song is about for us is like she’d throw it all away but it wouldn’t make it better.  there is the suffering that you have caused.  there is always the suffering that you have  caused that was in yur name.

to know that you are the danger, that you are the problem, the unsafety, the threat.  it is a heady feeling says someone.  it is surely a unique one.  in some ways it feels like when everything goes quiet when a plane takes off.  it is just, oh you are back here again.  there is no denying it. it is just who you are.  you are the causer of sadness, of suffering.  you are the break and the breaker and broken.  you are the stars and the moon and the sea and the sun and the wild and the dark and the night and they sky and the heart and the tremble and the trumpet and the seen…  you are everything and you are responsible for everything.

it is always surprising to find out that we wielded power we didn’t even know we had, that we were a giant who unthinkingly crushed a village swinging their hand around or running it over the grass.

i don’t know, we are just always the evil princess.  and e*a is the good princess and mom is the wicked step-mother and dad is the dad and greandmommy is the wicked fairy godmother.  we are bad and worthless.

so something wierd happened

or actually it wasn’t wierd, but that was wierd because it shouldn’t be that common.  or whatever.

anyway, we were with m*riad and we got turned on and then they wanted to go to sleep and we worried it was because they could tell we were turned on and were really threatened.

so know what? we ASK-ED.and they said no and we wasn’t bad and they were even turned on TOO and like maybe we isn’t bad and even wouldn’t be even if they weren’t cuz that doesn’t make us a monster and a perpetrator

i don’t know, we actually started crying, so i guess it was kind of a big deal.  and it get me thinking a little about like issues i have with people thinking or knowing i’m turned on.

in fact it’s even hard to write about it here.  how can we possibly have a blog where we say something about ourselves that is so horrible.  what are we thinkiing/??

wow, i can’t believe we write here.  who exactly made *that* decisioin?  i am really not comfortable having this kind of information about myself out there.  i can’t believe we let our friends read it.  what are we doing?  i want to die.

okay, anyway, woah, that was wierd.  like we sent out someone against the whole idea of honesty because we didn’t want to talk about the topic.

but we have always had this fear that people will think we are turned on (esp at times that are innappropriate. i don’t know.  like we used to try to always be out of the room when a sexual scene came on in a movie – which by the way, takes a constant vigilence particularly with movies you hadn’t seen to anticipate it.  see when things are heading that way because you have to leave far enough before and with a good reason that no one has any idea what you are doing.  i would leave and say i wanted something from the kitchen then stand and watch the movie through the doorway until it was safe

it’s really odd.  this was a big practice for me for a while.  particularly when watching anything with one of my parents.  i honestly am not comfortable enough to do it in other situations and it’s somewhat different know.  i guess who knows?

blah.  but like it’s like there are appropriate and inappropriate times to get turned on and ti is really bad and dirty and ugly to get turned on

i am really unnerved right now.  like i haven’t been out in a while or something.  i still can’t believe we write this stuff out and trust our friends to know it.  who aree these people?  do i even know them?  everything is horribly off-balance.  we aren’t handling our paperwork that is unacceptable.  unacceptable.  unacceptable.

m*riad says this cool thing about when deciding whether to ask someone something scary like if they want to hang out, you have to consider whether you can handle hearing no.  we have a lot of trouble hearing no when we express a need.  i think we wouldn’t if we did it more often but who knows who knows the nose knows.

help help help i’m scared?

whatever.  we really need to go food shopping.  omigod i need to die.  help help help help. help help hlep help i don’t understnad what’s going on i’m confused and disoriented like this isn’t my life or i’m new here dammit

i feel like we’re in some kind of shock or something i don’t know things just got colder and now there’s a tension in my left jawneck and chest

so here is what i’m thinking.  let’s say someone has stored in their brain information that, if they knew it, would cause them to be killed.  so, ideally, the brain would work it’s hardest to make sure the person would never find out.  and if it were a movie, the more and more she’d try to find out, the more we as audience members would get scared and want her to back off before she gets killed

unless you’re one of those people who can stand the suspense of the the possibility that she is able to get it out and disable the trap or the bomb.  but that is a big risk.  that is a really big risk and if it has an 8-minute timer and she was just idly trying to remember what she knows you’d have to want her not to touch it so she doesn’t blow up!

what if it were a spring-loaded trap?  what if it had a glass ball that could shatter?  or if it was just a bomb, a small square digital one like in the movies.  what if it was a trap like a bear trap with jaws.  what if it was a mouse trap.  or a hair trap (who said that?  what’s a hair trap?)

i deon’t know what if the information would kill her wouldn’t you root for her never to find it and be scared when she does?  doesn’t that make it scarier?  but at the same time it is otherwise always in her brain and could maybe be activated at any time.  but it’s the thing like in alias when

sometimes i think we’re kind of like a house elf in harry potter because we actually can’t stop doing something until the other person releases us.  it’s wierd.  we a re a bad girl i know it i know it i do things are scary unprotected very scary very unprotected and no one loves us and we are so scared i want to die i want to die i want to die

cold cold turn up the heat cold cold turn up the

we need to buy food

i guess one of the ideas behind our unedited writing and thoughts is that much information is lost in the editing process in service of the finished product.  but we are actually more infor — sorry — more *interested* in mining the data for clues.  plus writing things out helps us think.  and putting it on the web let’s us know it will be read by kinder eyes than ours.

a story about spike that i was going to tell kathy yesterday

so spike is the main villain on buffy.  he’s a vampire.  which means he has no soul, kills people, you know, he’s a bad guy.

but then he gets this chip in this head (put in by the government actually) that causes him unbareable pain if he even tries to attack someone.  so he is rendered harmless and starts fighting demons because they’re the only ones he is allowed to hurt.

but the thing is, he is still a vampire, and he still doesn’t have a soul, and the only thing stopping him is the chip.  which is really like a leash.  it doesn’t change what he wants or who he is.

but then he actually ends up changing cuz he falls in love with buffy (the slayer) and actually does good and wants to.

but then he does something *really* bad because in the end he doesn’t have a soul so he goes through all this torture and stuff to get it restored.

and there’s this whole thing like can he be forgiven.  and he is like going crazy  in all this pain because he suddenly feels remorse now that he has a  soul and he actually goes crazy.

buffy actually sleeps with spike for a while, but it just makes her hate herself.  he accesses a particular dark part of her and she eventually ends it because she is hurting herself and him (because he actually loves her).  he is like a dark compulsion.  so he has this oddly strong power over her and she treats him like dirt because she hates him and herself so much for sleeping with him.  it’s all very unhealthy and then she like decides to be healthy and like breaks it off finally.

that whole season is about losing control and escaping reality and hurting yourself and others.  it’s awesome.  definitely our favorite.

and he was in love with her.  in his own way.  but he was also evil too.  and so he hurt her reallyreally bad cuz he was so angry that she didn’t love him.  so he had to get a soul.  but like she could never really forgive him.  until maybe at the very end when he died.  and he had to go through all the tortures to get a soul.

i don’t know.  it’s just a story.

help help help i’m scared says someone

the thing is tho he can never undo it.  that’s just it and i always thought joss wheaton should have takent hat out, because then he was too evil and shouldn’t be forgiven and since he kind of was that was unacceptable.  i don’t know.  i must be crazy.

and like before he dies buffy almost seems to like love him and i just didn’t understand how getting a soul could make up for what he did.  i thought it was horrible writing and sending a bad message.  i don’t know i probably still do.  what does a soul have to do with anything?  i thought it seemed like a quick fix.

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