someone inside says “i cried hysterically”

like they are narrating. who knows. i know we are triggered. i know we are bad. i know we are a bad girl. i know i want to die and am a bad girl. iknow i want to die because i’m a bad girl. i know these things i know them and it hurts like a heartattack can’t sleep it is 3am and wes not even close wes is having a tough time wes is wantin to die wantin to die wantin to die wanting to die we do we do we are we are we are we are we are we are we are we are
i want to die i am a bad girl i am a baf girl i am a bad girl i am a bad girl i know it it hurts like a heart attack i am a bad girl i am a bad girl i am a bad girl i am a bad girl i am a bad girl

i was thinking about my mom. and how after i cut off contact she did things i would NEVER have imagined. like turning up at my door and sitting in the hallway for 2 hours. like breaking into my email. i mean, privacy was like one of her foremost priorities. it was crazy.

and i think it’s because she was (and is) desperate. when we got out of her reach she had to use everything she could to bring us back. i think she cued us 7 ways to sunday. i think she is and has used every trick she has to get us back. that is what i think.

i think when i was in her control in general, she didn’t have to exert nearly as much control or do anything that extreme. but in order to have a CHANCE of keeping me when i stopped communicating with her she was willing to do anything i think. i think she still is. and she has to use much stronger mechanisms. much … crueler. more calculating. she is different than i have known her or parts i didn’t know that well have come out more.
i see now how long we have enabled her, we were her coping mechanism. for years and years and years and i think it helped her function. i wonder sometimes if her body problems are related to this. the timing is interesting. i certainly know they caused a lot of change for us. but i digress.

i think i do not know how to remember these other sides when i am with her nicer ones who don’t even know about the others necessarily and certainly don’t feel the same way.

i don’t know how to maintain my mindset when i speak to her, when i read her words in an email, a txt. she is inside my mind and i am lockstep with her in an instant and i don’t even know it happened.

i have no way of protecting myself from her besides non-contact. and so complete that i can’t even see her emails. because i cant… i can’t protect myself and i am *so* easily *so* easily triggered to her mindset. it is, it is as natural as breathing, more natural than anyone else.

what did mom do when both of us were gone for that one year?

i am her little wonder girl. and there is so much safety in that. she will always love me. no matter what. no matter what i do or what happens, i know she will always love me and always think i am good and amazing.
altho that isn’t true, i have to be her wonder girl to do that. but i can pretty easily, so it doesn’t seem hard (that’s what he said). and it makes her so happy. i don’t know, we just want to be good.

i guess what we finally kind of realized with mom or are realizing or are putting into words is that her hold is so effective, so complete, so imperceptable to us, that we have absolutely no way to defend ourselves. no matter how hard we try. we just … we just can’t. at least not right now. i hope some day to be in a place where i can. but for now…

i guess what i’m realizing is that what makes my mom MOST dangerous is that i am unable to really see how dangerous she is. even though i catch glimpses they dissappear and are never as real as her love feels. and that when i am in communication with her i can’t even see the ways she is drawing me in, converting me, programming me and changing me. i can’t see them at all.

and since i can’t see them, i can’t make it.

it’s like i realized that i don’t have the ability to percieve what she is doing to me.  and so i really can’t be in contact with her because really i have no way of knowing what’s going on.  so i *think* i’m fine and everything is entirely safe, but it isn’t.  it’s a lack of safety without feeling a lack of safety.  or maybe feeling a little of it and not knowing why.  but often if i’m good enough not feeling it at all.

she is still my mom.  and it is still my job to save her.  and she is still a part of me more than anyone else is.  she is tucked away in a locked box because even hints of her cause explosions.  she is nowhere so she is everywhere (someone inside said it should be the other way around).

it’s like quatum phyrics.  like okay the explanation might take you to the conclusion, but it doesn’t *feel* right the way like newton’s laws of motion do.  it doesn’t wuite jibe with my reality.  so it’s hard to accept and remember and understand.

i don’t know.  i think i am learning a lot about my mom right now.  it’s kind of cool.  i’m seeing a lot of light shed on her.

but it still doesn’t *feel* right.  but it does work to increase our general feeling of safety.  mom is more removed from her effects.  it is harder to trace them back.  i think that contributes.

it’s just, what do you do when it doesn’t *feel* right?  it’s a hard state to stay in (someone inside said “that’s what she said” and honestly i have no idea what that means).

it’s just impossible to think of my mom as dangerous because she’s not, she doesn’t see herself that way, and she is so defenseless and weak and needs help.  so how can i possibly put my defenses up.  i guess that’s part of why i can’t see the danger.

my mom is good at making me remember only one reality.  and there are so many and many don’t make her look so good.

my mom doesn’t want to face her stuff.  but god i was the perfect daughter for so long and it got her nowhere.  i have to believe this isn’t just for me.  i have to.

she is my mom.  and she is part of me.  and that is more real than anything.

and yet i continue to not see her.

thank god for the only true defense mechanism i have: disappearing from people’s lives completely and blocking them out of my mind.

i will say, though, that slowly slowly it got less painful not to see her.  so slowly i didn’t even think about it until now when i realized it isn’t that bad at least not at this moment.

i don’t know, there is nothing like being a good little girl for mommy.  it sucks to give it up.  it just fucking sucks.  and it doesn’t make it any fucking easier that it’s healthy and crap.

besides, it’s mommy and me against the world.  i can’t trust anyone else.  anyone else can and will turn on me.  but she never will no matter what because she loves me and needs me and i’m her little wonder girl i am such a good girl.  how can you give up the place where you are a good girl?

there is a tinge that unhealthiness gives things that like, i don’t know what to do without.  to me that is where the satisfaction lives.  i don’t know.  sometimes i wonder if this healing thing is a total fucking waste and we should give up like mommy says.  mommy says we is not so sick just need work on it for real stop thinkin bout abuse and stuff so we can be good girl. mommy says mommy says mommy says she lvoes us.

*snaps* and that is how quickly we are hers again. and she isn’t even talking to us.


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