the song we are working on now

(starting 30 seconds in there is a slight sound of crackling from oil for latkes, i just warn in case you might get triggered. our mom does *big time*).  anyway we just started writing it this afternoon but we figured the timing may be relevent if it is actually inter-system communication trying to slip past the s/censors.

always late (beginnings, mostly chorus and end)

also we are having wierd stuff around our right wrist like we are missing layers of skin especially right where the veins are and it extends up into the hand and down into the arm a bit too.  anyway it’s wierd.

Advertisements

okay so m*riad made an interesting point

cuz like we realized we was maybe triggered or somethinand wes ated a candy and 2 potato chips tonight feelin sick maybe oops we’s just tryin help form the pain stop it hurtin wes tryin run helphelp

on another note, omigod i have decided that saying “it would be better if you did such-and-such” has about the function and helpfullness of saying “it would be better if you hadn’t been abused”  so put THAT in your pipe and smoke it

we are so bad.  nymph wrote this cool imrpressive smart stuff and we didn’t say how smart then m*raid said it fore we could but WE THOUGHTED IT ALREADY and we hate not identifin smart stuff bfore other people  cuz nymph all totlly explained logic or like how you can only be sure of the people who like have a use for you.  it was very smart.  we are stupid and wish we were smart and cool like nymph she is all like says what she thinks like even tho it is totally unpopular with the system and like society (say bigs) and stuff we say everyone.  oh we is so bad we is so bad.  we is so bad.  want die.  want die want die want die want die want die want die.

m*riad think maybe should password whole journal but we don’t know tho now we say it get real scared so maybe shouldshould maybe we isn’t listenin.

but ANYWAYS they said write about what you is scared happen no matter what.

sometimes i think people add tags for things they are thinking about but can’t say and that is all they can say and i’ve decided that’s valid and also we just got super cold so we must be pretty scared

and we had a flash to go change our tags to be easier to get to and really wanted to do that and i think that might be a distraction method by someone.  it was really crazy when we tried to change our password yesterday and got all foggy couldn’t remember what happened how to do it couldn’t figure it out and m*riad had to.  that was odd.  that was odd.

and yet we still have not done what we set out to do in this post: which is to write specifically about our fears.  god other people are going ONJ about the punctuation in that last sentence but fuck them oh we are so cold so cold so cold why why why

what is we scared alone scared  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone not loved alone not loved alone not loved don’t want that too scary please too scare pl-ease

bad girrl she is a bad girl she is she is i know it i know it i kow it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it

worthless bitch i know she is a worthless bitch i know it okay so shut up i know it i know it so shut up don’t tell me i know it please don’t say it i know it please don’t tell me i’m bad i know it please don’t sya i know i t i hurt myself see you don’t have to i hurt myself so you don’t have to see?  see?  so you don’t hae to okay?  maybe then you don’t have to.

i can be good and i can hurt myself see?  so you don’t have to see so you don’t have to see so you don’t have to see so you don’t have to do it i do it so you can be happy and love me maybe if i hurt myself maybe you will love me again because i need that to happen please i hurt myself then i don’t lose you and you don’t have to okay? (strong pain in right upper forearm near shoulder, almost like when you’ve gotten a tetnis shot)

i am bitch i know it but maybe i hurt myself you love me again maybe? see i try make you happy see then you love me maybe maybe maybe okay? i try real hard do a real good job and then you love me maybe maybe please

that would be nice than you love me maybe and love me maybe and love me maybe and i’m good you love me maybe i can hurt myself again you love me even *more*

okay?  please let me do that so you can love me  i don’t understand why you don’t and won’t let me i just want to make you happy so you will love me i don’t understand why not and why i am so bad  why not hurt me make you love me please  why not you let me do it why not so you can love me why not you don’t want to love me why not i can’t be ba d girl i can’t sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i be good i will i will i will i will i will i will i will i can be so good so good just give me a chance

if you give me a chance i can be so good make you so happy make you so happy make you so happy why don’t why won’t let us why won’t let ys won’t love us you don’t you don’t don’t let us make you happy we is so bad why is you no t let us bee good make you happy we can be so good we can be so good we can be so good we can be so good we can be so good  we can be so good  we can be so good  we can be so good  we can be so good we can be so coog if you have no idea if you just let us be good we can be so good we can we can if you let us and then you love us why not you don’t want to lvoe us you don’t you don’t lvoe us i know cuz you won’t let us mak e you happy so you don’t i know it i know it i am so bad i am a bad girl

these are bad thing s scary things but say feel too real not say but we is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad we is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad

i can be good girl so excited so good make you so happy you  have no idea you dont have to do anything i can make you so happy i am so good i am so good i am so good if you give me a chance i am a courtesan i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good

i really can be such a good girl if you give me a change i mean chance i can be good girl or good boy i can be good anything really i can be so good give me the cahnce i can make you so happy i promise i swear i promise i can i can i can i can i can why don’t you let me why not why don’t why dnot you don’t love me i guess

i guess you don’t i guess you don’t i guess you don’t i guess you don’t i know you don’t i know it i know it cuz if you love me you let me make you happy so you can actually really love me or something wait hmmmm

not make sense already love me not make sense except from amde you happy before maybe but that wear off can’t be other that not make sense that is wierd arresting can’t don’t like think why think that why say that why be good girl bad girl i am so bad omigoodnes i cam so bad i should die okay i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i neef to die

i know i am saying bad things and beign bad i know cuz i feel it so strong so scared i know this must be bad very bad i must be very selfish and very bad i must be i am sorry i am sorry i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die\

why can’t make happy why can’t be good why can’t so stop feelin so scared and alone and sad forver why can’t let make better why i don’t understand why that hurts us i don’t understand we must just be too bad to deserve it not good enough not good enough not good enough not godo enough not good enough not good enough not good enough not goo d enough i want to die please i want to die if i’m not good enough i want to die i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am

i want to die i do i do i need to die forever now this is too much this is awful this is nothing there is nothing i want to die there is nothing i want to die there is nothing there is nothing there is only one familiar i want tod ie i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die

i want to die faker copycat manipulater showoff lier conceited bitch

i know i am bad please don’t tell me i know it and i am happy to hurt myself really just tell me i will i’ll make it better please just tell me i can i can make it better just give me a chance i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can

help i need to die i know i am being bad i feel like my skin is exploding i feel like i am too restless to be i want to die this is awful i want to die i want to die help help help help help help help help

also, someone inside keeps saying

“help i want to kill myself”

i don’t know what to do about that

tried to ask her, just said she needed help help help i need help

so we tried to go in and it’s like a cave like a stone tunnel small and then we got to this drop off and i don’t think we should go over it.  so i’m asking what she needs and all she says is help help i need help and sounds so scared and sad. it’s wierd i can almost see her. i want to die.

i’m scared if i don’t help her there will be a flood or something and she’ll drown.  dammit.  i ddon’t really know what to do.

i really don’t want to think about her there when i can’t save her.  that i s kind of unbareable.  but i don’t want to forget about her, what if she drowns?  dammit.

i really don’t want to et too close to that ledge and slip off like when e*a fell off the chairlift. what was that?  it is windy outside that scares us mabe and triggers us don’t know why.  feelin scared and alone.  can’t make it better, can’t take care of ourselves.  we want to die.

we is readin suffer the child it is triggerin us maybe but we keep readin it we is bad i guess so sorry

we feel scared and unloved and unprotected

wouldn’t it be wierd if i was mad at dad for not protecting us from mom?  because he is definitely the bad and scary parent.  tho who know who mom was before we moved, when she lived with him in constant terror.  who knows.  i don’t remember her at all from then really.  i think she was different.  scarier maybe.

i know that what caused the breakdown was i always felt so bad with s*ef.  i was always bad for sleeping with n*ncy and wanting to do that but not with her. i was bad because she was sad and hurt and jealous.  always had to tiptoe tiiptoe

then she left for italy and erin and i slept together and ah this week that was so wonderful and i wasn’t bad at all and i was so happy

then s*ef came back and i went crazy or started  too.  i hated her so much.  i hated her and was scared of her and wanted to get away from her.  i think.part of us did.

help i’m scared

maybe that’s the girl too but what the f*** am i supposed to do about that huh?  i can’t save her.  i don’t have any tools and to visualize them would be too make things up and that doesn’t help and it scares me.okay maybe i don’t want her up here maybe she scares me and i don’t want to take care of her.  i don’t know how to do it or where to start

she is scared and i just can’t do it i want to die i want to be alone i want to be alone i want to be alone i want to be alone i want to be alone  why are you leaving mommy where are you going? where are you going and why  don’t you love us anymore what happened what happened you left what happened

help i’m scared

how exactly do i provide help?  what am i supposed to do?  i can’t comfort her, she freaks me out so i don’t feel safe either.  there’s no one to comfort us both.  there are no caring adults here to take care of us. i want to die.

help i want to die

scared alone scared

help i want to die help help

help i want to die help help help i want to die help i want to die help i want to die help i want to die i want to die i want to die

scared alone scared

i am really not sure what to do with this.  i’m trying to stay with it and feel it but i don’t like it.

  • Categories

  • Pages