purchased on ebay in the last 24-48 hours

• 1/2 lb (2000-3000 stones) of blue lace agate: $10 ($5 + $5 for shipping)
• 1/2 lb (~120 stones) of small advanturine: ~$5 ($1.84 for the stones plus a combined shipping discount with the blue lace agate, supra.)
• 5 lithium ion batteries for imac remote and digital drug scale: $2.99 (free shipping)
• SNES analog audio/video cable (so i can play alladin or sell the system): $5.30 ($1.49 for the cable, $3.80 for shipping)

not having to go out into the world and deal with people and the cold:

priceless

i don’t htink these tags have anythign to do with anything.  i want a big sheet with a little checkbox next to each one of my tags so i can check the ones that are relevent and have them added, not just the most popular ones.

this is not an entry i want to write

okay. let’s start there. this is not an entry i want to write. i am writing it, but i don’t want to be. someone started basically dictating it in our head and i was like fine i’ll write it out cuz maybe then we’ll get somewhere and they’ll shut up.

okay.  so this is not an entry i want to write.  i am writing it on protest.  my protest has beenc carried, motion to dismiss motion denied okay.  so we don’t want to talk about this.  have we established that yet?  i really want to make sure it is established.

okay, so here we are talking about this thing we don’t want to talk about.  yep.  here we are.  just talkin and talkin about it.  just being so open with everyone aren’t we wonderful?

i think we probably have been a little superior around m*riad.  not because we are, but because we aren’t.  isn’t that always how it works.  and this isn’t even what we don’t want to talk about.  this is what we’d *Rather* talk about than that.  so let’s see admitting we are wrong check ….  hmmmm what else.

we started our period today.  so that is, um, awesome.  and then we got totally triggered and fell asleep.  it was our period.  we started it when we went travelling with grandma.  she said she would and she was right.

and none of this is the stuff we don’t want to talk about.

alright.  so here it is.  i think we have girl sub parts that want very much to be dominated and possibly hurt.  and i think we keep them locked up for the most part and i think we also have other parts selecting people to sleep with who they percieve as not being dangerous in this way at all.  so even if the parts want to they can try all they want and get nowhere.  i think they pick people who don’t want that kind of power dynamic with us like what the guy in labrinth said where the person submits their will to yours.  i think i try not to pick people like that.

and then i thought what if i made a mistake?  and someone i picked had those parts and they could be brought to the surface and we did and then we just got locked into it and addicted to it until it was woven into the fabric of our lives (who the fuck wrote that?)

anyway, i was thinking that those parts would see the relationship as this special thing that they had created and was like theirs.  and like for them it would be this amazing perfect love and i was thinking about how could i ever give that up or see it otherwise?

i guess i was thinking that there was nothing anyone could say to me.  and a

and honestly a fair amount of stuff of this was true of my mom and much more with my mom.

but like those parts couldn’t be convinced not to feel that way.  that just is.  something would have to come that would be bigger than that.  for us, that was e*in who brought out parts that were like related to parts or made space for parts that were scared out of their mind of s*ef.  it was odd, the other parts never went away.  it was just like these other parts came out and they were *Way* louder.

and still s*ef left us.  she decided she couldn’t deal with us basically avoiding her completely and being pretty angry with her and crazy and stuff.  s*ef didn’t have access to those parts enough to draw them out past the upset and scared ones.

once we got scared of s*ef it never stopped.  still hasn’t.  those parts are in absolute fear.  frozen.

but still s*ef left us.  i don’t know if we e*er could have actually left her.

basically we just became so scared of her that we couldn’t be around her at all it drove us insane.

i think in some ways we were scared because we had to be to not just do whatever she wanted to make her happy.  because that’s all we had to do and then she loved us unconditionally and then she loved us so much.  and we *could* do it and it wasn’t that hard at all. and then it was.  wow lots of random shoooting body pains um that is odd.

it was easy and then it was almost impossible now.  the scared parts are out in such full force around her.  again, i think this is the only defense we have.  the thick wall.  we can’t talk to her we can’t email her because we will ffeel like we need to save her we will feel her pain.

i mean i guess s*ef almost begged us to get back together.  or something.  after we broke up she came up to my room and cried and i sat with her and sympathized because i knew i was the bad guy.  but i couldn’t take it away.  when i lost that ability with her i lost it and there was no turning back.  in some ways i think s*ef used everything she could she just didn’t have the right keys.  to get past the scared ones.  the caretakers and such could not be called out with so much fear around.  it was wierd.  whatever.  anyway.

still none of this is really what i was supposed to write about.  though it is tangential.

really what happened was e*in called up or reached or jumpstarted or brought forward or whatever all these parts that couldn’t deal with s*ef i think.  and they like just freaked out when they came out and exploded and it was like shock waves of fear emanating from us.

basically they made it intolerable to be around s*ef at all.  so that was just that.  we can’t stand it and have to avoid.  avoid avoid it is nice to have that as really you’re only defense mechanism.  it is effective.  i’m not talking to s*ef or my mom.  i mean how many people can say that?  i mean of course there are the downsides of just cutting people out of your life all the time and kind of starting over: loss of support, instability, barrier to intimacy, blah blah blah.  but still.

the thing is that while adults got along with s*ef.  i think the people who really loved her were kids.  so they were the only ones who *could* be around her.  but they were also the ones who got really hurt by her (in addition to all the love which by far outwieghed it for them).  it seemed a very small price to pay for them.  i don’t know.  they still think that.

it’s like they went away or soemthing or were kept away from s*ef by the scared parts.  because seriously there are parts who were happy to do things to make her happy but they just weren’t around anymore it was just the angry ones who looked like they weren’t.  i don’t know who knows i don’t remember?

and still none of this is what i didn’t want to write about.  shocker.

i guess in some ways what happened is the walls came down and the people who were angry at s*ef and scared of her came out and they .  and really we could only do it because we had this unhealthy obsession and relationship with e*in to take it’s place in a lot of ways.  if we hadn’t, i’m sure we’d still be with s*ef.

i don’t know.  still off-topic.  at least somewhat.

i was really lucky.  s*ef had a lot of resources socially and stuff.  though emotionally i still think not.  and i think the social stuff masks it and that scares because i don’t know if she’ll ever deal with it.  i don’t know how anyone grows without crisis.  we certainly don’t.  all major change in our life has come kicking and screaming because we didn’t have a fucking choice in the fucking matter.

when i am around s*ef i sense an equal or like not clearly unequal amount of pain to a*ron.  who i use as a basis for comparison because i don’t know if i have met anyone with the exception of my mother who i sense such psychic pain from.  s*ef has a lot of resources, at least she has the ability to *think* she is happy (how condescending is that, you bitch).  she has enough to distract is what i am really saying.  it is funny.  that’s better, right?  to have the resources to distract?

because sometimes i am so thankful that we don’t anymore, at least not to the level we did.  because we just, we use them. we use whatever we can, less so now but still even now

we’re supposed to want to be happier?  to be in the least amount of pain right?  we’re supposed to want that for other people?  for them to escape their pain as much as possible?  for us to help?  that is our job yes?  i mean isn’t it?  right?

it is cruel to want someone to experience their pain, or stop distracting from it.  it is cruel and selfish.  because i would never want that for myself.  so it must be cruel and selfish.  who looks at their pain unless they absolutely fucking have to?  not me.

i guess that kind of means it’s cruel to expect my other parts to just come out and experience their pain so i can be over it and healed.  i guess it’s hard to ask people to go through that.  especially if i’m not ready to provide them support.

sometimes when i am with m*riad i think i get very close to myself and sometimes i think i get very far and i wonder why those happen.  i don’t know.  i don’t want to be awake at 4:53am or whatever the fuck it is who the fuck cares not me.

and still none of this is really directly actually revealingly what i want to talk about.

what i wanted to talk about was that we actually have a lot of rape fantasies.  that just is what it is.  it’s true and it is how we get off when we are by ourselves for the most part and we write our own internal movies/stories using whatever we’ve picked up that we like.

we are never the victim.

okay, that is not true.  but those people are not fucking talking right now becuase the fact that we are even admitting that is a huge liability.

we are actually not the abuser for the most part.  but we would rather admit to that than .  and really you have to identify with one more than the other right?  and so if we have to choose we pick the abuser.  tho it’s touch for parts that say this makes us look bad but likewhatever.  it’s always a choice.  be bad or weak. bad or weak.  bad or weak.  pick one.

we actually just kind of make up little movies that are kind of they have some like written description sometime.  it’s not fully a movie or a story.  anyway, that is mostly how we get off.

and i*igo said something cool about how hearing about something can be hotter than actually doing it.  like the *idea* can be hotter than the thing itself.

i’m not sure why that made us happy but it did.

it was like we hadn’t considered that there might be a difference between thought an action.  or like that thought could actually be more satisfying than action in certain ways

and i wonder a little if like part of being an abuser is that the action is more satisfying than the thought.  simulation is much worse than reality.  i don’t know.  i’ve been thinking alot about what makes an abuser.  or like what characteristics there might be to those parts or to people where those parts manifest fully (or close to) outside.  which i guess goes along with that action versus thought.

i guess i just always thought that thought was like a prelude or like an incomplete without action.  which is CRAZY because i have spent forever lecturing people on how different thought and action are.

especially because a part of the thought is wishing it COULD be action.  so obviously action would be better right?

and it occured to me what if it *seemed* like action would be better but that was part of the thought, and part of what made it satisfying was wanting *more* of something without actually having it because having it would actually make you feel awful.  but a component of this is *feeling* like you want it to actually happen.  isn’t that wierd?  i think it’s wird.  i think you’re wierd.  well i think YOU’RE wierd.

i guess like we know with those unspeakables we know that thought is better than action.  that is less true in other areas though.  and we just really don’t let them out unless it is perfectly safe or whatever.  wouldn’t it be wierd if you thought it was safe and then you built this whole world and then you realized too late you were trapped in it?  how could you know while it was happening?

i just thought it was a cool idea that the thought of something could be hotter than the thing itself.  even though i know i know that.  and have applied that.  somehow i hadn’t applied it here or something.  like i wasn’t taught it applied here.  like i thought the only way a thought would be hot is if it were based on basically the same action.  if it were kind of an echo, whose worth comes only from it’s reminder of the event.  isn’t that wierd?  i think it’s wierd.  i don’t know.  i don’t fucking know anything.

aren’t you always supposed to want your desires to be fulfilled?  isn’t that what happiness is?  it’s odd to me to imagine it actually being pleasurable *not* to do that.  even though i think that is very much how i set up my life.  i tend to pick people who are at least somewhat out of the question i always want things i can’t have.  why didn’t i see it here?  why can’t i see it here?

it just seems like the happiest thing in the world is giving someone exactly what they want.  right?  though i guess that very often doesn’t go well for us.  but still isn’t that what you’re supposed to try to do if you’re good?  how can wanting be good?  how can it not be worse and horrible.

i guess there is the idea that what people want can actually hurt them.  and while that doesn’t give you the right to get in their way, it also means that denying them isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  it might be a neutral thing.  which doesn’t make sense cuz that’s not how they see it and what they see it matters.

the idea of denying people what they want as a neutral thing is CRAZY to me.  but like, i guess that’s what that would mean.  if what people want isn’t necessarily and often is not better for them, than isn’t it not necessarily and often not a positive thing to do it?  not that it’s a negative.  but what if it isn’t either?  isn’t that crazy?  that is crazy. that’s definitely crazy.

it is always wrong to deny people what they want and need.  it is always bad and selfish and it is youor responsability to give it.

but what if it isn’t?  what if it isn’t bad.  or good.  or anything.  it just is.  it’s neutral and you could argue it 7 ways til sunday (who keeps writing that?) and prove it’s anything but really it’s nothing it just is.

and if that were true than really it would just matter what was best for me or okay for me or like i could consider it.

if it really were neutral.  which it isn’t.  because that is crazy.  because they don’t see it as neutral.  and people are in SO MUCH PAIN when you deny them what they need.  you can’t do that.  that is cruel.

bitch bitch bitch you make up these lies to let yourself tell lies to yourself about how you are not selfish and wrong and bitchy and horrible but you are you are and you know it and you know who you owe and what you owe them and you will never escape you will never escape

labrinth is one of the best movies about healing i’ve seen.  i love the faces that are just like “beware!” “go back!” “you are in grave danger!” and the guy is just like, don’t mind them, they have to say that.  and hten they aren’t so scary.  they just have to say that.  i don’t know.  somehting about what the goblin king says.  submit and i’ll give you everything.  and everything is so glittery and cool and sexy and she isn’t.  how could she give that up?

unhappiness is such a small price.  such a small price.  such a small price.  to get away from the loneliness.

but it is all distraction.  even the unhappiness is part of it.  it is all a distraction it is all a crystal ball and smoke and mirrors that look so much better than the real thing.

but it is such a small price, isn’t it?  it seems small to me.

who am i kidding?

if m*riad is running away, then i picked them because they would be running away.  and would probably freak out if they weren’t.  i mean, let’s be honest, that would be pretty part for the course (who the fuck wrote part instead of par?).  anyway, we aid our cable bill today so we won’t have it turned off at random, we showered last night for the first time in what i can only imagine was more than 2 weeks.  that felt nice.  we are thinking hapy things from what i*digo cuz kathy liked the rocks we picked out and the geode so they’d always have a cave and that made us happy cuz we really DID mean it like that and it’s nice when it can mean something to others too.  whatever.

but if m*riad is pushing us away, then i’m sure we chose that for that specific reason.  so we’d have something to fix, to focus on.  so we are always chasing.  god, who knows how much we create it?  so we won’t ever feel suffocated, because when it switches (catches breath), it’s just done and you’re never the same in our eyes again.  and we *really* don’t want that to happen.  so maybe this is our way of dealing with that.  maybe this would be a good time to explore those issues.

i mean, why would we want that?  so that the person never gets too close, so that they become a part of us and then they own us and they are EVERYWHERE and we want to die.  yes, definitely rejection is better than that.  e*in dumped us but that was still easier than the stuff with s*ef.  we are always running, towards or away.  what a waste.

we got to hear some of m*riads angry parts and they said some really interesting and cool stuff that really helped us understand things better.  it made us really happy.  we really do like them.  it’s funny, they treat their angry parts like we treat our weak/vulnerable/pathetic/needy parts.  they hide behind the angry ones.  it’s so odd.  i think it makes for trouble but i actually think we learn alot when we can actually step back from the triggers.  god i am so glad we don’t live together.  it’s so important to be able to step back and get perspective.  that’s what happened with s*ef.  she was always there.  even when she wasn’t.  we were so intertwined i didn’t have my own thoughts separate from her.  so i missed all the problems.  i missed that we were having a fair amount of non-consensual sex that made us really angry and resentful and scared.  that we were always tiptoing.  god i’m so glad i can get perspective.  i’m trying to step back, to look at myself.  i think we have a tendancy to focus on other people and their problem’s instead of our own.  something i imagine i share with many type-a-high-functioning multiples.  the shit has to go somewhere.  if you don’t claim it it’ll just go on whoever is nearby.  that’s how we do it and have done it.

i don’t know.  we’re just trying to open ourselves and listen.  somehow i imagine m*riad laughing at that, like thinking we are stupid.  what is that?  what is getting triggered that i think that?  that i see them as so functional that they wouldn’t even respect my getting in touch with my emotions?  that i see them as that far from theirs?  or just that i think they hold me and my processing in that much contempt, i guess.  or that it makes them angry.  i don’t know.  cuz it’s too close to things.  that’s probably mom stuff triggered.  she certainly doesn’t want me exploring stuff.

i got an email from a*ron that was, that was very similar to my own style (i realized later with help).  it was incredibly touching and after reading it and honestly since i have felt like i am crazy to think he’d do anything.  that i am still allowed to protect myself to *feel* safe and on others advice, but that it isn’t true at all.  which is just, i don’t know, interesting i guess.  i just realized that since i’ve read it i really haven’t been able to beleive it’s actually possible that he’d try to trance us or just try to get younger parts to sleep with him.  though some parts say it and show us other things but it is different like the writing.

but i was thinking about my mom’s emails.  and how she has adapted her style to just say she loves me and supports what i’m doing.  and how convinced i am by that.  and how such small and subtle comments and phrasses can lead me without even knowing it to her way of thinking.  and i have to say, if a*ron is doing that, then seriously my hat is off to him.  we are really impressed.  particularly our dark parts.  (smiles).  it’s sophisticated stuff.  just, not many people can really fool us even when we’re looking who aren’t in our family.  wow.  it’s.  wow (smiles like pam in the office episode where she’s impressed by jim).  seriously it would make him a lot cooler and more impressive in our minds.  a lot.

there are channels in that i am only beginning to see.  i think my mom swam them or helped create them and i think we can’t even see them when we are looking right at them.  even knowing that after reading it i basically believed there was no way he’d ever do anything and that he was just a hurt boy who felt alone and was doing his best.  and i guess the thing is that IS true, but there are a lot of parts of him.  it IS true, but possibly only for that part.

he can just, he can play (smiles) it like a piano.  he can access other parts of himself when it’s convenient.  he is almost undetectable.  he is adaptable.  he is amazingly skilled.  he is impressive.

woah.  what is going on?  we feel wierd?  like our face is numb or something in a cloud?  what is going on?

i guess we just keep writing and writing.

i think our greatest weakness may be our basic belief that we are fairly impervious to mind control and are instead actually a threat.  and that we are if anything fascinated by the idea of someone succeesffully doing it on us.  and i just wonder.  i wonder if that works right into their hands.  some things can be so subtle that look like just another cobblestone on the street and you don’t think anything when you trip.

sad at you

we were talking to m*riad’s littles and they said they felt like they’d never be good enough for us because we were always upset with them so it was never safe and how it made them so sad.  and i just listened, and tried to explain, and took it all in because this was gospel.  this was sadness, sad *kids*.  i don’t know, we didn’t even get it at first but like we were getting sadder and sadder and we realized more and more how much we hurt them and how sad we made them. and how bad we are.  but it is almost a different kind of bad.  it is the bad for causing sadness..

m*riad said they were inward focused and we’d maybe never dated someone like that inward DIRECTED i mean.  and so we is bad.  we must be more outward directed.  i think that is the bad one.

i don’t know, it was just that slow dawning of realizing that yet again, we are the cause of someone’s suffering and for someone feeling that they are *bad* or not good enough (funny i’d never thought about the good/bad commonality between those before wierd).

i don’t know.  we are just, we are just a destructive force.  it’s kind of part of who and what we are.  we aren’t all inwardly focused and our hurt comes out as anger and hurts people.  we are just, we are always scary and a bit of a monster.  we are always angry, we blow up out of nowhere.  we are scary.  e*a, e*in, s*ef all told us this.  e*a was the first person to tell us when we were maybe i don’t know i would guess 10 or 11 that she was scared of us when we were angry and we were physically threatening and grabbed her arm and stuff and just very aggressive and scary.  i don’t know.  i know it’s in me.

i mean i guess i just head myself saying that i just had too high expectations and that they couldn’t meet that and i have to work on that and knowing that i am unequivocally bad.  that i am doing something really wrong that hurts them.  that it is my fault and my respponsability.

i mean really i was just feeling how sad they were at first and then as we talked it dawned more an dmore on us how much this was our fault.  how much we were hurting them by expecting them to react perfectly when we’re triggered and  getting angry or resentful or upset or mistrustful when they don’t.  it is the monster, it is the dragon with braids and long teeth and the braids wave in the air and the wind blows fast and there is light and motion.

but well, it is just very us to have a consistent pattern of hurting someone with out anger.  it’s the reason why, in the end, we can never be unequivocally not bad.  it is that we do wrong things that are definitely wrong and hurt people and make them sad.

i don’t know, there is a specific feeling you get from watching/feeling suffering that you have caused with your selfishness and impossible demands.  we are never good.  there is just, there is the punishment of seeing the hurt you have caused and can’t take back.  it is such a familiar feeeling that my chest is almost heavy with it.

i think that feeling should be my feeling.  it should be named after me.  it should be formed in my image and rolled in my dust and dropped from my rooftop.

there is always the hurt i have caused with my sadness and my selfishness.  i hurt mom alot before i finally got better and stopped being selfish and started caring about her and what was going on with her and helping tho sometimes i was still a bitch and so mena and a brat and a bad girl.

she just got so sad.  so sad.  so sad.  i guess that’s what the throw it all away song is about for us is like she’d throw it all away but it wouldn’t make it better.  there is the suffering that you have caused.  there is always the suffering that you have  caused that was in yur name.

to know that you are the danger, that you are the problem, the unsafety, the threat.  it is a heady feeling says someone.  it is surely a unique one.  in some ways it feels like when everything goes quiet when a plane takes off.  it is just, oh you are back here again.  there is no denying it. it is just who you are.  you are the causer of sadness, of suffering.  you are the break and the breaker and broken.  you are the stars and the moon and the sea and the sun and the wild and the dark and the night and they sky and the heart and the tremble and the trumpet and the seen…  you are everything and you are responsible for everything.

it is always surprising to find out that we wielded power we didn’t even know we had, that we were a giant who unthinkingly crushed a village swinging their hand around or running it over the grass.

i don’t know, we are just always the evil princess.  and e*a is the good princess and mom is the wicked step-mother and dad is the dad and greandmommy is the wicked fairy godmother.  we are bad and worthless.

heehee m*riad said this thing about

how they had never really appreciated how well we use humor to get out of awkward and tense situations by deflecting or distracting because they are usually not trying to do those things.  but then when they WERE they like could totally see how like we can just say something crazy and funny and just take the tension away because then no one is thinking about the tension they are just laughiung.  we are really good at that.

um maybe we reread what some of us worte last night andi t scareded us maybe.  don know why.  it was not thati interesting and it was probably just written to sound good or somthing because that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened tha t never happened we are so bad i know it we have stuff to get done and we ARENT we need to get it done!!  seriously!!!!!  lots of important important money stuff seriously!!!  we want to die it is too scary we want to die we do please can we we need to i need to die.

edges die edges girl now pl-ease okay then not mad anymore why is we so stupid so bad not good enough why is we not good enough don’t understand don’t understand why we is not good enough sleep with us don’t understand why we is not good enough we could be if you gave us a chance doesn’t hurt doesn’t hurt so we is happy you is happy all is happy see i dont understand why you get sad we must not be good enough yet we can try and try and someday maybe we will be please don’t give up we’ll be good enough some day (cold chill spread thru torso and arms)

we really will be good enough some day please don’t give up we’ll get better we are getting better we are we are just give us time to get better please we’ll be better we’ll do better we ccn we can please don’t give up i want to die please don’t give up we can be better we can be better we can be better we can be better we ccan save you if yo i mean we are better we can we can – e*a dream where we couldn’t save her?

it is funny to me that like if you are a little kid making adults come with your hands and mouth, you would definitely not be considered a top.  but if you are that same kid doing the same thing but in an adult body, you would be.  isn’t that wierd?  that seems wierd to me.

that is dirty bad girl bad girl to say that you bad girl you are so bad you bad girl don’t say that don’t say that what is wrong with you bad girl bad girl what is worng with you we hate you bad girl we hate you don’t say those things don’t say flash of grandma’s house don’t say those things diont say them well hit you and kill you we will because then you die bad girl say those things is so bad we will kill you dead NOW

impulse to do something else. reisisted and stayed here.

um we are pretty scarred here.  i dont know why, none of this is really that scary.  i mean it’s not like violent or anything so whateveri ts not a big deal you know we are so bad mak e it sa big deal please dont be mad please dont pleae dont please dont please dont please dont please dont help i want to die i am scared i have things to do i can’t be doing this i need to do the things i know i am being bad i am so bad i am so scared i am messing everything up i can tell help help help help help help i am so scared i really need to die i think okay omigod i ma so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl

i don’t know what to do

we spend the day with m*riad today.  it was cool we were like pretty functional and could do things for them and it was so wierd because they said they didn’t see us as the take care of people when they’re sick type and i just realized how long i’ve been without that ability for the most part and it’s insane because that used to be SO me.  i was the take care of people person.  or one of them.  anyway, it was nice to be able to do that.  to spend tme with myriad littles and talk to them and hold them a little.  we miss that kind of connection.   i don’t even know what that means.  but it’s kind of a connection that comes from someone letting you take care of them or just care about them and accept some of it.  but like it’s more than that.  i guess it’s being together enough to be able to do it.

wow we used to be so like that.  i guess that’s how we burned out.  but today we didn’t feel like we overextended ourselves, we even said when we wanted to watch a different show.  i don’t know.  it was nice to be able to take care of and spend time with them and their littles.  i don’t know.  we love them  very much.  whatever, we are stupid.  but sometimes we got to hold them and even be there when theys scared.  i don’t know we are stupid but it was nice.

i guess it’s a certain kind of something of love or caring that i would NOT say is maternal, but might be mistaken for it.  like someone lets you hold them up a little.  i don’t know there are just so many ways of connecting and this was really nice.  blah we are stupid.

and like at no point did we feel like we needed to go or like we had to stay.  maybe that’s part of why we could do it, we don’t feel that pressure.  i don’t know we are bad.

maybe it was just nice to get to spend that much time with their littles, especially hurting and scared ones.  and take care of them a little.  and be there with them.  i don’t know i just, i like doing that.

i hope that doesn’t make me bad.  (others are so pissed we pu tthat there they said it’s bullshit and we shouldn’t apologize so much it makes us look weak to show that we worry if we are bad, and it gives people the ability to decide so they say fuck that and fuck you for judging me).

sighs, too many cooks…

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ok, i’m not supposed to complain like this

but eva just emailed me again to print.  and like

okaym i actually just went off and did the stuff for her and am putting together the email so that’s that

i guess i don’t know quite how to explain how much my mom taught me it was my responsability to take care of the people i’m supposed to take care of.

different people are out.  who want hot cider.  who sit with no clothes wrapped in the new soft blue blanket we just got.

bitch girl!!!

anyway, we is little and good posed be good try it feels like we is in new york it’s cold outside andn we’s inapartment i don’t know like another one maybe or something something something something something ncie similar look similar

worried girl is bad girl

i don’t know anymore what we’s wriing it changed we wants needs get more food not yet bad girl you stupid bitch bad girl want die want edi want die want die want die want die want die want die want die want die

woke up for 8 like around 7:38 maybe doin that lot lately that time round 7:30 tween that and 8 is our like crazy wake up early  time we did for the longest time during the breakdown.  like we were just an early bird.  it makes our body feel pretty shitty, but we offten aren’t tired anough to sleep more.

last night me myriads we played songs back forth it was rewy fun and we liked it a-lot and they said like we was good and that was nice i thought ummmmmmmmmm we is little umumumumumum tiny bear is tintititnytinytinytiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny bear gotta dance all around bear bear dance bear yeah dance all around bear!! yeah dance like the little bear she is a bear to dance and dance and dance (all sung in a little song)

babababab

ababulhah

cuddles  this bear runs on cuddles

ti-ny ti-ny ti-ny hungry but nothin here we want is cold outside like new york crazy we is so crazy so that we is crazy

also we went pike place had a rew good muffin buberry and ated it and also splitted cinnamon role with myriad ummmmmmm we got a soft blanket ummmm they kept us safe no one hurt us

ababababa bear ababababa bear.

wes GOTTA do paperwork today wes keep forgettin or like just not doin it we is so bad we is worse than EVERYBODY got to handle also food benefits gotta fax testmasters stupid bitch

i honestly think i am going to start crying hysterically i mean wow we have so much to do and we just don’t do it we don’t do ANYTHING

i just.  it is hard to be less functional than EVERYONE you know.  i mean, i guess i’ve always been that way.  but i was functioning a fair amount.  ahhh, i don’t know why this is bugging us so much.

we are a bad and stupid bitch

it is shocking but writing about how impossible it is to do helps a bit, at least for a second

we’ve just had a lot of people out who are super critical of our smoking and time wasting and we hear about it ALL THE TIME and feel guilty and pointless ALL THE TIME and sometimes we can smoke enough to drown them out, but they are always there tensing our muscles and they weren’t around for a while like this at least so we weren’t prepared it is awful they make us feel so bad so bad they stand on our shoulders and yell in our ears and we know we are bad and wasting our time

myriad is here!!