what we did today

– took out the trash for the first time in probably over a week

– did the laundry for the first time in over 2 weeks and i think it might be 3 or 4.

we are thinking about taking a shower to complete the trifecta of cleanliness.

we are clearly avoiding *something* here.

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heehee m*riad said this thing about

how they had never really appreciated how well we use humor to get out of awkward and tense situations by deflecting or distracting because they are usually not trying to do those things.  but then when they WERE they like could totally see how like we can just say something crazy and funny and just take the tension away because then no one is thinking about the tension they are just laughiung.  we are really good at that.

um maybe we reread what some of us worte last night andi t scareded us maybe.  don know why.  it was not thati interesting and it was probably just written to sound good or somthing because that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened tha t never happened we are so bad i know it we have stuff to get done and we ARENT we need to get it done!!  seriously!!!!!  lots of important important money stuff seriously!!!  we want to die it is too scary we want to die we do please can we we need to i need to die.

edges die edges girl now pl-ease okay then not mad anymore why is we so stupid so bad not good enough why is we not good enough don’t understand don’t understand why we is not good enough sleep with us don’t understand why we is not good enough we could be if you gave us a chance doesn’t hurt doesn’t hurt so we is happy you is happy all is happy see i dont understand why you get sad we must not be good enough yet we can try and try and someday maybe we will be please don’t give up we’ll be good enough some day (cold chill spread thru torso and arms)

we really will be good enough some day please don’t give up we’ll get better we are getting better we are we are just give us time to get better please we’ll be better we’ll do better we ccn we can please don’t give up i want to die please don’t give up we can be better we can be better we can be better we can be better we ccan save you if yo i mean we are better we can we can – e*a dream where we couldn’t save her?

it is funny to me that like if you are a little kid making adults come with your hands and mouth, you would definitely not be considered a top.  but if you are that same kid doing the same thing but in an adult body, you would be.  isn’t that wierd?  that seems wierd to me.

that is dirty bad girl bad girl to say that you bad girl you are so bad you bad girl don’t say that don’t say that what is wrong with you bad girl bad girl what is worng with you we hate you bad girl we hate you don’t say those things don’t say flash of grandma’s house don’t say those things diont say them well hit you and kill you we will because then you die bad girl say those things is so bad we will kill you dead NOW

impulse to do something else. reisisted and stayed here.

um we are pretty scarred here.  i dont know why, none of this is really that scary.  i mean it’s not like violent or anything so whateveri ts not a big deal you know we are so bad mak e it sa big deal please dont be mad please dont pleae dont please dont please dont please dont please dont help i want to die i am scared i have things to do i can’t be doing this i need to do the things i know i am being bad i am so bad i am so scared i am messing everything up i can tell help help help help help help i am so scared i really need to die i think okay omigod i ma so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl

ok, i’m not supposed to complain like this

but eva just emailed me again to print.  and like

okaym i actually just went off and did the stuff for her and am putting together the email so that’s that

i guess i don’t know quite how to explain how much my mom taught me it was my responsability to take care of the people i’m supposed to take care of.

different people are out.  who want hot cider.  who sit with no clothes wrapped in the new soft blue blanket we just got.

bitch girl!!!

anyway, we is little and good posed be good try it feels like we is in new york it’s cold outside andn we’s inapartment i don’t know like another one maybe or something something something something something ncie similar look similar

worried girl is bad girl

i don’t know anymore what we’s wriing it changed we wants needs get more food not yet bad girl you stupid bitch bad girl want die want edi want die want die want die want die want die want die want die want die

woke up for 8 like around 7:38 maybe doin that lot lately that time round 7:30 tween that and 8 is our like crazy wake up early  time we did for the longest time during the breakdown.  like we were just an early bird.  it makes our body feel pretty shitty, but we offten aren’t tired anough to sleep more.

last night me myriads we played songs back forth it was rewy fun and we liked it a-lot and they said like we was good and that was nice i thought ummmmmmmmmm we is little umumumumumum tiny bear is tintititnytinytinytiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny bear gotta dance all around bear bear dance bear yeah dance all around bear!! yeah dance like the little bear she is a bear to dance and dance and dance (all sung in a little song)

babababab

ababulhah

cuddles  this bear runs on cuddles

ti-ny ti-ny ti-ny hungry but nothin here we want is cold outside like new york crazy we is so crazy so that we is crazy

also we went pike place had a rew good muffin buberry and ated it and also splitted cinnamon role with myriad ummmmmmm we got a soft blanket ummmm they kept us safe no one hurt us

ababababa bear ababababa bear.

wes GOTTA do paperwork today wes keep forgettin or like just not doin it we is so bad we is worse than EVERYBODY got to handle also food benefits gotta fax testmasters stupid bitch

i honestly think i am going to start crying hysterically i mean wow we have so much to do and we just don’t do it we don’t do ANYTHING

i just.  it is hard to be less functional than EVERYONE you know.  i mean, i guess i’ve always been that way.  but i was functioning a fair amount.  ahhh, i don’t know why this is bugging us so much.

we are a bad and stupid bitch

it is shocking but writing about how impossible it is to do helps a bit, at least for a second

we’ve just had a lot of people out who are super critical of our smoking and time wasting and we hear about it ALL THE TIME and feel guilty and pointless ALL THE TIME and sometimes we can smoke enough to drown them out, but they are always there tensing our muscles and they weren’t around for a while like this at least so we weren’t prepared it is awful they make us feel so bad so bad they stand on our shoulders and yell in our ears and we know we are bad and wasting our time

myriad is here!!

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