you cannot even imagine

how much i want group to not be this important to me.  to not be whiny.  omigod i hate it so much it drives me insane.  but like it’s just this set-aside time for like self-care and you get to say stuff and you’re not being selfish or bad even tho you are talking about yourself.  and you get to just listen to people you don’t have to be anything ven supportive if you can’t.  i don’t know i am so stupid.  i am so stupid.

and you can’t be sad if there’s no way to make it better you can’t kathy said maybe you go in the sad you find then ways make it better i don’t know we is so hungry  we needs go get food dammit dammit dammit i remember when i used to have s*ef for that, there is something to be said for someone who kind of has to take care of you because you kind of have to take care of them.  otherwise how can you trust it?  i don’t know.

goddammit and i’m just getting weaker and dizzier and i don’t think i’m eating a lot each day so that gets cumulative okay i will eat some of the slivered almonds here i can almost do it without thinking

it’s hard not having someone who will make it all better.  it’s just tough i had that for a really long time.  but not really, but like we could pretend and it FELT that way kind of sometimes.  short term vs. long term.

short term long term short term long term short term long term short term long term

sometimes it feels like mom concentrated all her efforts on anti-suicide programming.  like she just really emphasized all the time how important it was to keep our bodies intact and protect them, how vigilant we had to be to keep ourselves from dying.  that the most important thing is to live as long as possible.  my mom takes so many vitamins omigod it makes me upset just to think about it ahhh no more.

song playing in our head we just realized was “ding dong the witch is dead” with all the little “which old witch?” “the wi-cked witch”

i *refuse* to comment on that.  that is just… i whatever

i think our littles have a problem because they really only trust parent-types or people giving that aura (at that time), which is really a fucked up vibe in general but that is what they trust and almost everything else scares them so i don’t know what to do about that

i used to tell my mom everything.  *everything*.  i guess she was my best friend for a while.  i don’t know.  god there is so little i remember.  ugh.  ths is awful i want to stop being sad but at least the almonds helped with the dizziness and like big hunger pains.

we

hate

cramps

that is all.

we are so sad that we missed group that we can’t explain it

group is the only safe space we have that’s *really* safe with other people in it because we can be ourselves HOWEVER we are and we is SUPPOSED to talk about ourselvs and we have 10 whole minutes and we don’t gotta be interestin or do anything to make anyone feel better.  we get be crazy and color and take care of ourselves.  we like it alot and we is so sad that we missed it this week.  even with the pills we couldn’t cuz the pain (even when we can’t feel it) takes a lot out of us.  but we is so sad.

dammit dammit dammit we is so sad and upset we can’t stand it dammit a whole wekk dammit we is so upset dammit