i think it is really scary for us for m*riad to see a*ron

i think some of us really believe they are going to come back angry at us (or some of them will be) and not even know it.  and that really scares us.  like just how could they not be angry with us after seeing him?  we have made a false accusation against him that means we can never be around him without at least one non-m*riader.

those parts really do believe that’s why they didn’t invite us.  that it had something to do with the a*ron situation.  we just don’t understand because we have so few chances to play rock band now that we have to be even more careful, so we don’t understand why they wouldn’t invite us to one of the few times we *could* play. and some of us wonder if they were like protecting a*ron from us or something.

some of us think that they think of us not being alone w/ even them and a*ron is an over-reaction to a trigger.  which i have to admit really hurts, whether it’s true or not.  like to us it looks like they don’t take it seriously.  i mean i know they don’t believe the threat is real, but it’s like they don’t even support the not-seeing-him-alone rule.

i guess it just feels like parts of them are angry at us and we are scared to even ask about it but we are going to try because anger isn’t even necessarily scary when it’s out in the open.

we’re a scared girl.

plus this is super-triggering mom stuff about how she didn’t protect us from dad at all and even used us to help protect her.  i think that’s actually why we didn’t acknowledge what was going on for so long.  we so wanted to be a good girl, to not have any problems with a*ron, to be good enough, to get them to love us.

we think we realized that the “mexican wrestler” and “throw it all away” songs are for our mom, for her not loving us enough to protect us above her.  that she was everything for us and we were only a part of things for her.  that she used us and we were all hers.  that we could give her everything but that we were only a child so our everything wasn’t enough.  until we became an “adult” (old enough to co-parent) and really take some of the burden.  then she actually loved us but then we didn’t want it, we wanted to get away.  is that it?  is that the pattern?  can i finally figure it out so it doesn’t happen again and ruin another relationship?  i’m dating a guy so i hoped that’d be enough to put it off-course.

we know we are bad.  but this is helping us unearth some important mom issues, i think.  maybe even get more “concrete” info.  i don’t know.  i’m a bitch.

it is tough for us that m*riad doesn’t seem to want to protect us.  and i know they don’t even think of themselves as having protectors.  i guess it’s just triggering.  protection is very tied in with what love is in some of our minds.  so we’re working that.

we want to be good.  even last night i finally could see we didn’t want to say anything that might make them not love us.  i think we get triggered really quick into being a good girl in that situation.  like we are supposed to pretend like there’s nothing wrong with daddy and that it doesn’t mean anything when mommy asks us to spend time with him.  we’re suposed to be a good girl.  a good good girl.  we’re supposed to talk like mommy, like daddy’s not hurting us, like mommy’s not not protecting us.

i really had not gotten how much that had gotten triggered.  but i think we decided very early on that being a good girl involved not having any issues with a*ron cuz everyone else did and we were different and special and good.  we were a good girl.  woah, that so got triggered.  WOAH i did not get that at all.  wow.  i think we’re learning alot about our relationship with our mom back when we can’t remember anything (really most time pre-12).

wow we need to work on this.  okay, that’s what we’re talking about with kathy next time.  i totally knew there was something we needed to talk about but that we didn’t want to know about it.  and that’s why we talked talked and played music.  because the MAIN rule of being a good girl is you DONT talk about what you have to do to be a good girl.  that is a big part.  wow i’m glad we picked up on this.  i can definitely see how much it’s coming up now that i see it.

i could tell we were being kind of a “good girl” last night. not on purpose, but like our brain fogged over things that didn’t make sense to us or upset us that had to do with a*ron stuff, like the not inviting us one of the few times we could go.  like we could tell something bothered us, but it slpped away like a fish and it was black.  wow, so that’s kind of how that works.  we had to reprocess alot of it (other people did) after we left before we could get anywhere.  it’s like the analyzers weren’t there.  it was wierd.  which sucks because we feel somewhat off but like we can’t pinpoint it we just try to be good and don’t even know it.

OH MY GOD.  i bet every time we get into a mode where we are worried they are going to kick us out and get tired of us we are triggered into mommy-good-girl mode.  and we’re trying to be so good so they don’t.  woah.  woah.  wow we like lost that as soon as it came i’m glad we wrote it down.  people don’t want to believe that.

i think part of the secrets of the mode is that we don’t know when we’re in it.  there is a brain fog going on.  huh.  okay well at least there’s an idea here.

but like it feels like this a*ron thing is a big thing, both in what it means to me but especially what it means to m*riads and my relationship and i think soemtimes we feel like it’s the elephant puppeteer in the room and no one’s allowed to say anything.  but we think it causes a lot of reactions in both of us and sometimes i wish we could talk about em more.  wes gonna try.  but wes also want so much to be a good girl.

wes had a good talk with m*riads

and they told us about resentment and upset they’ve been feeling towards us and it was so… it was so great.  we started crying after and i think it was RELIEF.

god it is such a relief to have those feelings out in the open.  someone inside is crying so hard they are shaking with relief and happiness and gratefulness.

i don’t think there is anything scarier to us than hidden anger or resentment, particularly if it’s hidden from the person’s conscious mind.  it was

omigod this person is crying with happiness and relief.  to know that we are not crazy.  that we are not crazy.  that they get angry and resentful too.  that there is something THERE and we aren’t just making things up.  it is, it is the greatest relief.

i am so grateful to them and i bet in a million years they’d never believe it.  to let me even glimpse those parts.  to let me know they are out.  to let me know you are angry (tears up)

buildings fall apart and shoulders shake and everything rumbles and the sky opens and it is all blue

it made us feel so

SAFE

so safe

(she is rocking and crying and holding herself for getting to feel safe)  we only cry when it’s safe unless we are just so totally out of control or something.  we can’t even feel it until then.  and then it’s like we just fall apart with the release of it.

she said it.  she said she was mad at us.  she said she resented us.  she said we weren’t crazy and it was there and we weren’t crazy and it was there.  mommy gets angry too.  mommy gets angry to and it’s there and we’re not just bad.  we’re not.  she’s just mad.  see?  we aren’t bad.  mommy said we aren’t bad she just gets mad.

we we we we we    we were safe  it was safe  it was safe (smiles and sucks her thumb and curls up)  it was safe

thank you thank you thank you thank you

how do you thank someone who won’t believe you?

help help help they say and maybe it’s safe enough for us to hear them

cuz when it is anger we can know we is maybe not just so bad they hate us.  they is just angry.  that is safer.  not see anger can’t tell can’t do anythin don’t know try hard don’t know the rules gota be a good girl good.  gotta be a good girl good.

you know, i bet many of the things i get particularly triggered by m*riad doing are things i don’t let myself do.  i really do think the things that are hardest for us to accept in others are really a result of us not accepting it in ourselves.  so it looks so ugly and bad plus we’re resentful cuz we’re depriving ourselves.

but the thing is, we have to be ready for them to get triggered.  if we’re more honest and keep the pleasers in more.  cuz they probably will be.  and that doesn’t have to mean we’re bad.

i don’t know, it’s like if they get angry too then maybe WE aren’t bad for doin it.  and their anger isn’t a threat.  cuz when you don’t know it’s anger or aren’t sure it can feel like they hate you or don’t love you anymore and it’s confusing and you don’t know what’s going ON

(cries, same girl inside)  it is such a relief to acknowledge what’s going on.  it is such a relief to be able to get a hand hold on something.  thank god thank god thank god thank god.  i hope we don’t forget.  they get angry too.  they have angry parts too.  or resentful or whatever.  and it isn’t just that we’re so bad that we made someone who doesn’t get angry not love us cuz otherwise WHY would they act that way?  see how nice it is to know?  omigod thank you thank you tahnk you thank you.

(shoulders shake in relief relief relief)

if they is angry we is not failing they is just ANGRY.  cuz if someone never gets angry but then seems that way you must be failin big time.  big time.

oh thank god thank god thank god thank god thank god thank god (someone inside did the sign of the cross what was THAT we did that like once as a mistake in fifth grade).

even now it slips away.  it as not real.  they were never angry.  we are just bad.  they were never angry.  they never were.  we were just bad.

i am sad and small and scared

i know i am a bad girl.  i know that for sure.  i know i am bad very bad and scared.  i know things are not safe and not what they appear to be.  i know that no one is safe.  i know that i am not safe.  i know that i don’t know things and i know some of those things may be important.  i know no one cares.  i know i am alone.  i know i am bad and hated.

i think some of us think that m*riad must really hate us.  for various reasons.  because our pleasers are so unsuccessful and actually make things worse.  it is so shameful to write that.  it is so shameful.  for other reasons too. that have to do with a*ron and i can’t quite explain.

maybe i should explain about me and a*ron.  i know a*ron cuz he is m*riads ex who they used to live with up until soon after.  so now they live in our building.  we still see a*ron with m*riads.  um, he does stuff we do not agree with with m*riads and that upsets us.  and we told him.  and he wrote sumthin back thats a secret so can’t say it.  anyways we is tryin help get him to counselor.

but also he is like um on the bus once when wes alone cuz we tries never be he told us this stuff bout how he learned make multiple gotta do this stuff and trance and put im in a freezer til almost die take em out they love you forever want please you never die not a fear thing as much you are a saviour you are the one who takes away the pain and also how put m*riads in and out of trance.  so yeah.  they showed it on us maybe we tranced a little i don’t know.  it was wierd.  we are wierd and people yell we must be making this up.

i think it is tough for us that m*riad can’t be more of a support on this.  like obviously it’s super complicated and that makes sense but i guess it hurts a little for those who can’t get that and they just wish they would protect us.  butt there are so many parts and we are not dating the vast majority of them and they have their own ways of doing things and their own perspectives.  but it hurts still a little that it seems like maybe they aren’t that concerned for us or something.

i don’t know.  i think we wish for protectors.  like we told j*ga and like billie came out and like was like so mad and wanted to kill a*ron.  and it made us kind of happy a littlee, like it makes us smile even now.  and i KNOW we are bad to make comparisons but we do it anyway because we are so bad.

i guess it’s just been hard to realize that m*riad is really no more stable than we are.  or no more in control.  or something.

i don’t know.  some of us want them to be mad and like want to protect us and like take care of us and stuff and we KNOW they can’t cuz they have other stuff going on and this means lots of stuff for them and it is VERY complicated but that is still what we want because we are bad.  we want them to want to protect us and take care of us.

help help help things are so scary so scary.  kathy and i*digos and everyone was sayin a*ron like try hypnotize us or sumthin try get us sleep with him met with him and we wouldn’t even knw.

why don’t they want to protect us?  (little ones inside cry).  we must not be very loveable.  we thought isf we were loveable enough they would want to but it didn’t work.  oh well.  we are bad and in the dark.

we just wanted someone to protect us.

also our body hurts in different places and some of them are bad.  we have been so scared lately.  so scared.  they must hate us.  they must not love us.

i think the thing with a*ron doesn’t so much change how we feel as validate fears we were uncomfortable aming.  like why we won’t ever be alone with him.  except really this time on the bus.

mommy mommy why won’t you protect me?

mommy protects herself.  mommy protects herself cuz she needs it gotta be a good little girl a good little girl and help out help protect her i can do it i can be a good girl a really good girl and i can protect her and i can take daddy and i can be a good girl (smiles)  i can i can be such a good girl take good care fo mommy and daddy i can be such a good girl i can i can i swear a good girl takes care of mommy for being sad and hurt by daddy i can help i can help (smiles bigger and bites lip).  i can be such a good girl i can please let me i can i can make it all better.  this good girl makes it all better, okay?  she makes it all better.  she is a good girl in every way she can so she can make it all better she is such a good girl and she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better (was there a closet in their room?  i call it daddys room in my head)

i know how to be a good little girl i do i make people happy and make it all better.  i can make it all better i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can

shes a good girl isn’t she?  isn’t she?  she’s a good girl now right?  good girl?  she did a good job is a good girl saved mommy so mommy loves her now right?  right?  she did a good job right (eyes wet)?  dicn’t she?   she did such a good job saved mommy helped daddy made mommy all better she was such a good girl she was look at her she was such a good girl she took care of everything.  that’s what a good girl does.  she takes care of everything and i am a good girl right?  i am right?  i did good not bad?  i did good made it better?  for mommy?  i am a good girl who lvoes you and now you love me right?  then mommy holds me and loves me and i am such a good girl (smiles big, eyes wet).  then she loves me so much and i am such a good girl i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better please let me make it all better so you can love me mommy?

when will mommy love me?  mommy will love me when i’m a good girl when i take ccare of everything (flash of a corner of dad’s room).  mommy will love me then for being so good such a good girl she is such a good girl she is such a good girl.  mommy doesn’t mean for me to be hurt, she just needs to be protected.  she just needs to be protected.  she doesn’t mean it that way.  she doesn’t mean it.  she just needs help (flash of that hospial that is so light and airy and white with the room with the sunny window and the bed and i was reading a book).  she just needs help that little mommy so she needed me to make it all better like a good girl makes it all better i can be such a good girl i can watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me the good girl gets her face all wet but that just means she as a good girl clean up

she is a bad girl i think a bad girl for not doing ehr job. seh is a bad girl i think for not doing her job and protecting mommy.  she is a bad girl and a bad girl and a bad girl mommy needs her mommy needs her protection she can take it she can do it instead she can do it and be a good girl and make it all better and be a good girl and be good enough and make it all better and then be loved but then not loved so sad tried so hard all dirty face wet but she can’t love us now she hurts too much mommy hurts all the time poor mommy i can make it better with my dripping face i can be such a good willte girl i can protect her and be the best girl in the whole world in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i amd the best girl in the whoe wide world because i helped mommy and made it better i did i am a bad girl but i did it see (flash of e*a’s old room) i am a little bitch i make it better because i am so good i can make it all better

i am so good i can make it all better (smiles big especially on left side of face).  i am such a bad girl but i can be good and make it all better i can be so good i can do anything and i alway smaek it better for mommy all better so she can rest and sleep and be safe. i take care of her i am a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am see?  i am such a good girl.  i know i am cuz i di a good job but then when i don’t then i’m a bad girl and mommy won’t love me cuz she gets hurt she needs me to take care of her she does i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can protect her i can protect her i can protect her i can protect her and be a good little girl who is very good so good she is so good look how good she is takes care of everytihing like a good little girl what a good little girl someone should hug her she did such a good job she takes care of eveyrhting what a good little girl mommy loves her so much she is so good so good to mommy so good she makes everything all better what a good litttle girl she makes everything all better what a good little girl she makes everything all better what a good little girl she makes everything all better isn’t she a good girl she is right i know she is if she makes everything all bettter she can be good she can be good to daddy and make it better for mommy she can be a good girl she can be a good girl a good girl a good girl  good girl a good girl (almost remembers a flash of childhood but it slips thoruhg our graasp).  help help help we are so scared we try to be good but we are so scared and even whem we are good we are bad even when we are good we are bad we are worthless watn to die i want to die can we die so we aren’t worthless anymore please can we die and make it better (downstairs in brooklyn).

ahhh.  i’m sorry i can’t just do anymore i just can’t it is too much this pleasing mommy gotta please mommy make her happy so she’ll love us make her happy so she’ll love us make her happy so shell love us take care of her do everything do anything take carre of her protect her be a good girl you bitch be a good girl and help her out just help her out just help her out don’t be selfish she needs you you bitch don’t be selfish you are pointless and bad and horrible and a bitch and i want to die i want to die this is bad i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die

help help help help help help help help help i’m o scared but the only way for people to love you is to be good otherwise stay away stay away stay away just be good and its fine its not that heard its not that hard its not be a good girl its not that hard help mommy she needs it you are a good girl you are be a good girl she is a good girl she is a good girl she is a good girl she is a godo girl she hated me i know she did she resented me and wanted me to be hurt i know she did she needed our help she just needed us

she wanted us dead.  she hated us.  she did.  she looked at us and we saw it how she hated us and wanted us to take her pain.  we saw it.  we did.  and we’d do anything not to see it anymore.

(an odd incredible calmness, or at least relative since the typing had been so frenzied)

seems like a good place to leave it. i’m not rereading it.  hope i’m not bad.

but whatever.

truly, though, i can be quite a good girl. if you lget me.  then you love me and i am so happy and loved and loved and loved so much cuz i was a good girl such a good girl. such a good girl.

s*ef hated me when i didn’t want to sleep with her.  everything changed like lightening then we were bad it was cold and theres shocks sin the air we just wanted it to be nice so she scould lvoe us.

wow, mom really set us up as an easy mark.  i guess that’s why we stay so fucking far away from everyone, huh?  why do we keep typing, this is awwful and i want to stop.  i want to take a break and reward myself for doing so well.  i’ve been sitting the fuck around scared out of my mind trying to think when i can and see wha’ts up and hoping i’d get somewehre so i should be fucking brilliant i should be fucking proud but i’m not i’m’ scared and sad and want my mommy to love me

that’s the thing, tho. she never will.  not me.  only the good girl.  two songs we’ve been playing/watching alot:

creep (cover by brandi carlile, which is so fucking awesoem and gritty and growly)

mexican wrestler – jill sobule

plus the usual

throw it all away by brandi carlile (i love her expressions)

whatever.  everything is wierd and tough and i’m trying to figure it out and listen to peopla dn what the fuck.  i’m smoking like a fucking chimney adn my body hurts and i have eaten littel and i bought this stupid large pizza anyway and now no one wants it and we neeed to order groceries and i can’t leave the apartment or shower or anything.  i don’t know.  things are fucking ough.  i’m jealous of people who can do any kind of tangible functioning.  i am really fucking jealous.  i am such a pathetic loser.  and blah it’s my emergency period but it still fucking sucks.  it fucking sucks to be totally disfunctional you know that.  it just sucks and i am really fucking tired of it but whatever tehere is nothing i can do i want to die i want to die i want to die iw ant ot die i want to die i want to die

mom couldn’t rotect us after we moved, we had to negotiate all our visitation and stuff with him.  i guess there’s no reason to think she could have in brooklyn.  i mean, he was a scary guy and she lived with him and couldn’t even protect herself.  she did the best she could.  she ahd her own apartment place for being sometimes it was filled iwth stuuff and messy and stuff i don’t remember it will.  i need to stop typing this is bullshit i need to stop i can’t do this anything anymore my heart is going to burts why cn’t i stop i can’t do this i am blocking it out with smoek and video right

NOW

we are so sad

heavy in our heart.  unloved.  ssandbagged and filled with sand. hurt and alone. smoking smoking smoking. scared and sad.  it is funny how we always come back here.  and at this time of year i guess.  because i felt that way with e*in basically all the time after we started actually “dating” vs like just sleeping together which was almost exactly this time.  and the year after that this is pretty much around when she like said we couldn’t be friends anymore and a month after she broke up with me.  i guess in my mind when she made it clear there was no chance for redemption anymore.  always a tough thing.

there is a heaviness then in noing it is over. the finality of something really crushing.  and it was odd but even when we were dating it always felt over or on it’s way. i don’t know i was so crazy with jealousy and like resentment i mean who knows. it was awful.  god.

we hate ourselves and we are just so sad.  i guess it’s the borderliners time of year.  m*riad says we expect them to be perfect, that’s pretty borderline behavior.  everyone hates the borderliners.  maybe we should be nicer to them.  it’s tough though when they keep messing everythng up with everyone and making them feel bad about themselves. (hears the kd lang song outside myself m*riads been listenin to)

i know that part of the problem is that i don’t really see people without m*riad around for the most part and it’s tough because it’s actually really scary for us to be one-on-one with someone we aren’t (consensually) sleeping with.  it just feels really sexually threatening, which is a problem.  so it’s tough because it’s not just couple isolation.  first of all, there is just a lot of isolation.  but it isn’t inertia as much as straight out fucking fear and i have to get a hold on that but it’s big and it involves learning how to set enough boundaries that we can be sure we’ll be safe even if the other person pushes and that’s a slow process.  but i know that gives us tunnel vision and myopia and blows things out of proportion and makes it so they represent a disproportionate amount of emotional tangibility in our life.  what the fuck?  okay we wrote it but we don’t know what it means.  or if it’s right or makes sense.  (continues to hear song)

kathy said to call if we need to see her before tuesday.  we really swore we wouldn’t (to ourselves), but are thinking about it cuz we are having such a tough time.  but i mean so what like we aren’t like in such crisis that it’s unbarable so why would we call.  i mean are we even in crisis at all?  if you are always in crisis, are you ever in crisis?  i don’t know.  it’s manageable.  it’s fine.  i mean, it isn’t but like i don’t need special attention at all.  at all.  tho it says a lot that we’d even consider it.

i guess i’ll see how i feel after group.  okay i need to calm down it’s fine i could never show up just cuz i’m in crisis i couldn’t ever be that close to the surface i have smoke and isolation i’m fine.

i am really scareded and sad.  i think it might be a time of year thing.

it’s because she is still seeing mom

she is still seeing her.  she is the favorite.  she is the channel for her energy.  i am picking it up off of e*a.  i swear if she weren’t talking to her it would be different.  but i guess she’d be in a different place but she is on that side not conscoiously but the energy is in her it is it is it is it is the tension of holding it all in and functioning while being pretty crazy

i am not just projecting, so fuck you

even if it’s part of it it is more she IS seeing mom and i swear it affects her i swear i hear mom in her voice in her emails i hhear i hear i hear it i hear i hear i hear it i hear i hear i hear it iehear it i do ido i do ido id o the looking i do i see it a princess i see it i do the looking i see it i do

help help help help help help help help help help help help help she is a princess she is but she is lie younger ut also bigger it is wierd she is in pink things sparkle i can see her clearly i am insane and bad i am so bad i am so bad i am so bad i am so bad i want to die

someone inside says something horrible like kiss her knock our head against the wall knock our head against the wall knock our head against the wall knock our head against the wall knock our head against the wall

bad girl bad girl bang our head agains tthe galss til it satters break dissappear we sisapear bang our head against the glass we dissappear forever we do forever we die we dissappear and we die and it is good then it is good let us die and dissappear now so it doesn’t hurt anymore let it die let us die let us die it would be so peaceful so calm let us please it would feel so good let us please die then everything would be okay it would all be okay that’s all we need to do let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let ud die let ud die let us die let us die let us die let us die

i want to die i want to go to sleep and never wake up i want to die so it doesn’t hurt anymore it would be soft and sweet and warm and gone everything gone it would be so nice we get calm just thinking about it die never have to worry again die and it’s all better goes away is all better can die would be so nice so quick just do it just do it just do it just do it judt do it it’s quick then it’s done just do it it’s quick thenit’s done just do it it’s quick then it’s done jus tdo it it’s qucik then it’s done just do it its quick then it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done

when the buggers came on the ships they just disected the humans alive because they didn’t think of them as important cuz they weren’t the queen and they communicate telepathically so they didn’t even know the humans were talking to them there was nothing they could do but die that’s why it’s important to have a cyanide capsule  but don’t take it too soon  but be sure you have it so they can’t torture you forever always have one always have one

help help help someone is really scared  and we hear that brandi song that’s like something deep as the sea goes something and walk away (we hear more wordish things but can’t capture them, we hear the singing perfectly, doesn’t everyone?)  i am an edges and a bad one and eva bought food for us gonna leave it by our door wes gotta go out today so scared but gotta do it bitch gotta

someone is very upset and keeps yelling

helphelphelp i’m going to commit suicide helphelphelp i’m going to commit suicide

so that’s happening.  i assume the mania is a side-effect/biproduct/distraction of/from something horrible underneath because now our whole body is tensing freaking out tensing freaking out help help help help

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