idea for why e*a is so concerned about our safety lately

she is getting close to memories that trigger feelings that i am not safe or that i will need to kill myself.  a smart safety mechanism.  and would also explain a bit all the dreams i have about ee*a’s safety.

things are tough here.  lots of things coming up.  i try to remind myself it’s been over 2 weeks since we’ve seen kathy.  and we’re seeing her on tuesday.

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we are so sad

heavy in our heart.  unloved.  ssandbagged and filled with sand. hurt and alone. smoking smoking smoking. scared and sad.  it is funny how we always come back here.  and at this time of year i guess.  because i felt that way with e*in basically all the time after we started actually “dating” vs like just sleeping together which was almost exactly this time.  and the year after that this is pretty much around when she like said we couldn’t be friends anymore and a month after she broke up with me.  i guess in my mind when she made it clear there was no chance for redemption anymore.  always a tough thing.

there is a heaviness then in noing it is over. the finality of something really crushing.  and it was odd but even when we were dating it always felt over or on it’s way. i don’t know i was so crazy with jealousy and like resentment i mean who knows. it was awful.  god.

we hate ourselves and we are just so sad.  i guess it’s the borderliners time of year.  m*riad says we expect them to be perfect, that’s pretty borderline behavior.  everyone hates the borderliners.  maybe we should be nicer to them.  it’s tough though when they keep messing everythng up with everyone and making them feel bad about themselves. (hears the kd lang song outside myself m*riads been listenin to)

i know that part of the problem is that i don’t really see people without m*riad around for the most part and it’s tough because it’s actually really scary for us to be one-on-one with someone we aren’t (consensually) sleeping with.  it just feels really sexually threatening, which is a problem.  so it’s tough because it’s not just couple isolation.  first of all, there is just a lot of isolation.  but it isn’t inertia as much as straight out fucking fear and i have to get a hold on that but it’s big and it involves learning how to set enough boundaries that we can be sure we’ll be safe even if the other person pushes and that’s a slow process.  but i know that gives us tunnel vision and myopia and blows things out of proportion and makes it so they represent a disproportionate amount of emotional tangibility in our life.  what the fuck?  okay we wrote it but we don’t know what it means.  or if it’s right or makes sense.  (continues to hear song)

kathy said to call if we need to see her before tuesday.  we really swore we wouldn’t (to ourselves), but are thinking about it cuz we are having such a tough time.  but i mean so what like we aren’t like in such crisis that it’s unbarable so why would we call.  i mean are we even in crisis at all?  if you are always in crisis, are you ever in crisis?  i don’t know.  it’s manageable.  it’s fine.  i mean, it isn’t but like i don’t need special attention at all.  at all.  tho it says a lot that we’d even consider it.

i guess i’ll see how i feel after group.  okay i need to calm down it’s fine i could never show up just cuz i’m in crisis i couldn’t ever be that close to the surface i have smoke and isolation i’m fine.

i am really scareded and sad.  i think it might be a time of year thing.

sometimes i think my mom just tried to build in safeties

like she made us petrified of death, made it clear that it would kill her if we died, and basically i think tried to hardwire us against killing ourselves.

and i think she did the same thing with cutting or self-abuse.  we are petrified of marring our skin with a scar.  like we can’t do that, it would make us imperfect.  we can’t  it is important to have smooth skin it is important to be like nothing ever happened.

that is a big thing with e*a and me, like we have to make up for something we lose because you can’t ever have permanent damage.  you can’t.  that’s too much.  if it balances out it’s like it never happened.  so you gotta say when something happens why it was a good thing or ssomething or somthin good came out of it so you didn’t lose anything.

anyway, that is i’m pretty sure the only thing keeping me from cutting.  t’s so wierd, this cutting stuff is coming our of left field it was never an issue we never even got close.  but i think it has to do with something like another’s pain, like not being able to save them, ike not being able to save e*a.

at the same time maybe if i becoem a cutter the cool kids will finally let me sit at their table in group.  panda.

this is just odd i don’t understand how that could be changing for us it seemed so fundamental.  we hate blood and can’t handle cuts.  but then again we had no problems getting shots and our blood drawn and i guess it’s all on who’se out.

help help help says someone

once e*a called me from new york and she was scared dad had caught her oon his laptop or something or found something in her stuff and she didn’t even know if he was listening on the line and i was going INSANE and there was nothing i could do.

i didn’t cut then.  but i want to cut now.  what changed?

who am i kidding?  there is no way i would want to cut.  tht would hurt WAY too much and be horrible and i’d freak out what was i saying that is ridiculous.

i don’t know who is adding these tags, some of them don’t seem applicable but whatever.

ah, i see, i can’t imagine cutting the left arm but i almost can the right.  wird wierd.

what am i saying?  i would never cut.  i am ridiculous.

i am a complete idiot and i am scared and sad. whenevr i think of the worst torture it is always having to watch eva or mom hurt and not being able to stop it.

i’m slightly unnerved by the dimness and heaviness in my head and disorientation.  it makes me feel awful and scared een tho there isno one here too take advantage of  me anyway so what am i worried about it doesn’t make sense

i swear i am getting close with the dreams.  cricling birds.  circling birds.

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