Protected: we saw m*riad tonight

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we got all triggerred last nigth cuz m*riad basically told us that they were doing *us* a favor by letting us go with them to therapy and plus they already told us it’s like we’re not there cuz we don’t talk enough.  it is so embarassing cuz i thought we were really helping and trying to provide a really supportive presence and stuff and it’s really embarassing to find out we were really a burden.  it is horribly embarassing.

anyway we got triggered but for some reason thought we shouldn’t leave like that would be too upsetting and so (this is bad i think, like bad etiquette) we kind of hit this spot on our forarm by our wrist a whole bunch because that was one of the few places we could do some actual damage at least cosmetically cuz isn’t that half the fun?) anyway now it totally fucking hurts and we can’t even see it and it makes our left wrist feel like it has carpal tunnel or like a witch is holding it real tight in her claws.

anyway, tho, this extreme of a reaction obviously means this was a big big trigger.  and something extra wierd was going on.  and i think we are still trying to be the good girl.  it’s like we think if we’re supportive and like there for m*riad enough they’ll love us and it doesn’t work that way.  i think before we were trying to be the good girl by not listening to other’s discomfort around a*ron and now we’re trying to be the good girl by saving them from a*ron and that’s not our place to do.  and it wouldn’t make them love us anyway.  and i think i have set this up in my mind where it’s like if i’m good enough they’ll finally love us.  like we’ll be able to save them or whatever.  which is bullshit because who are we to save anyone anyway?

but i think it’s mom stuff.  we thought if we were good enough we could stop her hurting and then she’d love us and it just, it never happened.  we never did enough to make her stop hurting, she just needed more and more until we were drowning and drowned and died.  maybe that’s what killed elizabeth.

so i think we freaked out because it was like that typified everything for us.  like we were trying so hard and thought we were doing such a good job and making things better and then. and then it just collapsed and it turns out at best we just make it worse.  that we will never make it better and that means they will never love us.  we want to be that perfect person who loves when they need to and doesn’t feel when that’s better and says all the right things and we think this time this time we’ll get it and get it right and finally finally she’ll love us.  but it doesn’t work that way.  that ship has sailed.  she will never love us that way.

you will never love me

and why should i even care?

it’s not that your so special

you’re just the cross i bear!

it’s so silly to write the words because alone they are nothing but the way she sings them they are everything so they are only there for evocation not simply communication.  we imagine jill sobule is really singing this to a parent.  we imagine that most upset songs are actually sung to a parent underneath it all, that there is trauma underneath it all and that it is the source of creativity and subversion and counter-culture and that’s why maybe it is tolerable that no matter what we can’t get rid of it.  it’s the ridiculous horrible trade-off.

anyway we are trying to watch ourselves.  i think our continual view of a*ron as helpless and defenseless and hurting and in need of help makes us blind to his dangerous parts.

it is not so impressive to accept one or the other reality, the trick is to see BOTH as true and make THAT work like in the dispossesed (tips hat to m*riad)

that is very much what happens with our mom and i do think that email evoked a lot of that in us and i think that may be the most effective way to get us.  to show an honest struggle with your own personal demons and ask for help.  we will give it any time.  we can’t see anything else when it’s there.  that’s how our mom gets us.  still.  those roads are fresh and clean and we don’t even know when we’re on them.

i don’t know.  i feel like maybe i’m getting closer to things.  maybe.  step.  step a bit to the side and try another route.  step around. step step step.  baby steps to the elevator, baby steps to the door, baby steps past the mother begging for help and baby steps to another without missing a step. baby steps baby steps baby steps.

who am i kidding?

if m*riad is running away, then i picked them because they would be running away.  and would probably freak out if they weren’t.  i mean, let’s be honest, that would be pretty part for the course (who the fuck wrote part instead of par?).  anyway, we aid our cable bill today so we won’t have it turned off at random, we showered last night for the first time in what i can only imagine was more than 2 weeks.  that felt nice.  we are thinking hapy things from what i*digo cuz kathy liked the rocks we picked out and the geode so they’d always have a cave and that made us happy cuz we really DID mean it like that and it’s nice when it can mean something to others too.  whatever.

but if m*riad is pushing us away, then i’m sure we chose that for that specific reason.  so we’d have something to fix, to focus on.  so we are always chasing.  god, who knows how much we create it?  so we won’t ever feel suffocated, because when it switches (catches breath), it’s just done and you’re never the same in our eyes again.  and we *really* don’t want that to happen.  so maybe this is our way of dealing with that.  maybe this would be a good time to explore those issues.

i mean, why would we want that?  so that the person never gets too close, so that they become a part of us and then they own us and they are EVERYWHERE and we want to die.  yes, definitely rejection is better than that.  e*in dumped us but that was still easier than the stuff with s*ef.  we are always running, towards or away.  what a waste.

we got to hear some of m*riads angry parts and they said some really interesting and cool stuff that really helped us understand things better.  it made us really happy.  we really do like them.  it’s funny, they treat their angry parts like we treat our weak/vulnerable/pathetic/needy parts.  they hide behind the angry ones.  it’s so odd.  i think it makes for trouble but i actually think we learn alot when we can actually step back from the triggers.  god i am so glad we don’t live together.  it’s so important to be able to step back and get perspective.  that’s what happened with s*ef.  she was always there.  even when she wasn’t.  we were so intertwined i didn’t have my own thoughts separate from her.  so i missed all the problems.  i missed that we were having a fair amount of non-consensual sex that made us really angry and resentful and scared.  that we were always tiptoing.  god i’m so glad i can get perspective.  i’m trying to step back, to look at myself.  i think we have a tendancy to focus on other people and their problem’s instead of our own.  something i imagine i share with many type-a-high-functioning multiples.  the shit has to go somewhere.  if you don’t claim it it’ll just go on whoever is nearby.  that’s how we do it and have done it.

i don’t know.  we’re just trying to open ourselves and listen.  somehow i imagine m*riad laughing at that, like thinking we are stupid.  what is that?  what is getting triggered that i think that?  that i see them as so functional that they wouldn’t even respect my getting in touch with my emotions?  that i see them as that far from theirs?  or just that i think they hold me and my processing in that much contempt, i guess.  or that it makes them angry.  i don’t know.  cuz it’s too close to things.  that’s probably mom stuff triggered.  she certainly doesn’t want me exploring stuff.

i got an email from a*ron that was, that was very similar to my own style (i realized later with help).  it was incredibly touching and after reading it and honestly since i have felt like i am crazy to think he’d do anything.  that i am still allowed to protect myself to *feel* safe and on others advice, but that it isn’t true at all.  which is just, i don’t know, interesting i guess.  i just realized that since i’ve read it i really haven’t been able to beleive it’s actually possible that he’d try to trance us or just try to get younger parts to sleep with him.  though some parts say it and show us other things but it is different like the writing.

but i was thinking about my mom’s emails.  and how she has adapted her style to just say she loves me and supports what i’m doing.  and how convinced i am by that.  and how such small and subtle comments and phrasses can lead me without even knowing it to her way of thinking.  and i have to say, if a*ron is doing that, then seriously my hat is off to him.  we are really impressed.  particularly our dark parts.  (smiles).  it’s sophisticated stuff.  just, not many people can really fool us even when we’re looking who aren’t in our family.  wow.  it’s.  wow (smiles like pam in the office episode where she’s impressed by jim).  seriously it would make him a lot cooler and more impressive in our minds.  a lot.

there are channels in that i am only beginning to see.  i think my mom swam them or helped create them and i think we can’t even see them when we are looking right at them.  even knowing that after reading it i basically believed there was no way he’d ever do anything and that he was just a hurt boy who felt alone and was doing his best.  and i guess the thing is that IS true, but there are a lot of parts of him.  it IS true, but possibly only for that part.

he can just, he can play (smiles) it like a piano.  he can access other parts of himself when it’s convenient.  he is almost undetectable.  he is adaptable.  he is amazingly skilled.  he is impressive.

woah.  what is going on?  we feel wierd?  like our face is numb or something in a cloud?  what is going on?

i guess we just keep writing and writing.

i think our greatest weakness may be our basic belief that we are fairly impervious to mind control and are instead actually a threat.  and that we are if anything fascinated by the idea of someone succeesffully doing it on us.  and i just wonder.  i wonder if that works right into their hands.  some things can be so subtle that look like just another cobblestone on the street and you don’t think anything when you trip.

idea for why e*a is so concerned about our safety lately

she is getting close to memories that trigger feelings that i am not safe or that i will need to kill myself.  a smart safety mechanism.  and would also explain a bit all the dreams i have about ee*a’s safety.

things are tough here.  lots of things coming up.  i try to remind myself it’s been over 2 weeks since we’ve seen kathy.  and we’re seeing her on tuesday.

it’s because she is still seeing mom

she is still seeing her.  she is the favorite.  she is the channel for her energy.  i am picking it up off of e*a.  i swear if she weren’t talking to her it would be different.  but i guess she’d be in a different place but she is on that side not conscoiously but the energy is in her it is it is it is it is the tension of holding it all in and functioning while being pretty crazy

i am not just projecting, so fuck you

even if it’s part of it it is more she IS seeing mom and i swear it affects her i swear i hear mom in her voice in her emails i hhear i hear i hear it i hear i hear i hear it i hear i hear i hear it iehear it i do ido i do ido id o the looking i do i see it a princess i see it i do the looking i see it i do

help help help help help help help help help help help help help she is a princess she is but she is lie younger ut also bigger it is wierd she is in pink things sparkle i can see her clearly i am insane and bad i am so bad i am so bad i am so bad i am so bad i want to die

someone inside says something horrible like kiss her knock our head against the wall knock our head against the wall knock our head against the wall knock our head against the wall knock our head against the wall

bad girl bad girl bang our head agains tthe galss til it satters break dissappear we sisapear bang our head against the glass we dissappear forever we do forever we die we dissappear and we die and it is good then it is good let us die and dissappear now so it doesn’t hurt anymore let it die let us die let us die it would be so peaceful so calm let us please it would feel so good let us please die then everything would be okay it would all be okay that’s all we need to do let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let us die let ud die let ud die let us die let us die let us die let us die

i want to die i want to go to sleep and never wake up i want to die so it doesn’t hurt anymore it would be soft and sweet and warm and gone everything gone it would be so nice we get calm just thinking about it die never have to worry again die and it’s all better goes away is all better can die would be so nice so quick just do it just do it just do it just do it judt do it it’s quick then it’s done just do it it’s quick thenit’s done just do it it’s quick then it’s done jus tdo it it’s qucik then it’s done just do it its quick then it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done it’s done

when the buggers came on the ships they just disected the humans alive because they didn’t think of them as important cuz they weren’t the queen and they communicate telepathically so they didn’t even know the humans were talking to them there was nothing they could do but die that’s why it’s important to have a cyanide capsule  but don’t take it too soon  but be sure you have it so they can’t torture you forever always have one always have one

help help help someone is really scared  and we hear that brandi song that’s like something deep as the sea goes something and walk away (we hear more wordish things but can’t capture them, we hear the singing perfectly, doesn’t everyone?)  i am an edges and a bad one and eva bought food for us gonna leave it by our door wes gotta go out today so scared but gotta do it bitch gotta

i think we need to hurt ourselves to make it better

i just don’t see any other way.  that is the only way to make it better.

it does help to write it.  but i just don’t understand how else to deal with it besides letting it out and making things right.  because then if i AM bad i was punished so it’s better everything’s okay and if not i’m good maybe a little cuz i punished myself anyway and that’s good right?  then i’m good

sometimes i think my mom just tried to build in safeties

like she made us petrified of death, made it clear that it would kill her if we died, and basically i think tried to hardwire us against killing ourselves.

and i think she did the same thing with cutting or self-abuse.  we are petrified of marring our skin with a scar.  like we can’t do that, it would make us imperfect.  we can’t  it is important to have smooth skin it is important to be like nothing ever happened.

that is a big thing with e*a and me, like we have to make up for something we lose because you can’t ever have permanent damage.  you can’t.  that’s too much.  if it balances out it’s like it never happened.  so you gotta say when something happens why it was a good thing or ssomething or somthin good came out of it so you didn’t lose anything.

anyway, that is i’m pretty sure the only thing keeping me from cutting.  t’s so wierd, this cutting stuff is coming our of left field it was never an issue we never even got close.  but i think it has to do with something like another’s pain, like not being able to save them, ike not being able to save e*a.

at the same time maybe if i becoem a cutter the cool kids will finally let me sit at their table in group.  panda.

this is just odd i don’t understand how that could be changing for us it seemed so fundamental.  we hate blood and can’t handle cuts.  but then again we had no problems getting shots and our blood drawn and i guess it’s all on who’se out.

help help help says someone

once e*a called me from new york and she was scared dad had caught her oon his laptop or something or found something in her stuff and she didn’t even know if he was listening on the line and i was going INSANE and there was nothing i could do.

i didn’t cut then.  but i want to cut now.  what changed?

who am i kidding?  there is no way i would want to cut.  tht would hurt WAY too much and be horrible and i’d freak out what was i saying that is ridiculous.

i don’t know who is adding these tags, some of them don’t seem applicable but whatever.

ah, i see, i can’t imagine cutting the left arm but i almost can the right.  wird wierd.

what am i saying?  i would never cut.  i am ridiculous.

i am a complete idiot and i am scared and sad. whenevr i think of the worst torture it is always having to watch eva or mom hurt and not being able to stop it.

i’m slightly unnerved by the dimness and heaviness in my head and disorientation.  it makes me feel awful and scared een tho there isno one here too take advantage of  me anyway so what am i worried about it doesn’t make sense

i swear i am getting close with the dreams.  cricling birds.  circling birds.

it turns out we didn’t have an appt with kathy

which means we made it up.  and brought our guitar to play and hurt our neck so we are double stupid and bad.  we are having a lot of impulses:

• to hurt ourselves for being so stupid and for wanting to cry
• to cry and be comforted
• to shut the fuck up because we are stupid for feeling sad and asr ejerks

we were pretty dissociated when we went ands o i guess this kind of hit us hard.  we are crazy dissociated and the pot made us so dizzy we cna’t even totally think

m*riad said somthin made us realize that we didnt need pot so much before cuz we dissociated instead

cant write more too dizzy crazy

make food eat pills drink water