plus

i am clearly trying not to deal with stuff since i have been obsessively downloading tv shows and have made my way thru the office (both us and uk), scrubs, most of family guy, and am working my way thru seinfeld now (3 seasons in out of 9). i have cleaned a little. i wrote a song. you know, a lot of things. clearly i am distracting. and i think i am using the m*riad thing too to do that. if i can save them then i don’t have to save myselves.
i think maybe i am actually starting to learn you can’t save anyone but yourself. not just like you shouldn’t or it’s unhealthy, but like you can’t. and i think that is more unbearable than failing because at least then you had a chance.
i am trying to learn and to grow. i think crisis is one of the few times when learning is right in front of you. i don’t know. i want to die. i want to die.
this finger stuff on our right hand (which is, incidentally, our mom’s half of the body we suspect). but whatever. it is all craziness and we are crazy and bad and wrong.
i swear it’s spreading over our hand like a glove or a liquid and up our right arm and it is warm i am crazy and it goes into my shoulder i am crazy i am crazy i am crazy
in crisis there is opportunity to learn in crisis there is opportunity to learn in crisis there is opportunity to learn gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try
maybe it’s the time of year for distracting and running away from yourself. except e*a. though trying to take care of me is i guess the same thing. i wonder how many people have this problem? maybe just me. yep. i am bad and my fingers are so not tender but like raw almost. everything is pinpricks i see beleevue square the music box store across from … sbarro? we went there with mommy we wet there with mommy we went there with mommy we went there with mommy we went there with mommy it has almost like balconies with the walkways upstairs like in the ballrooms in our dreams in our dreams in our dreams

someone almost cried as we played the end of this for kathy yesterday

it’s our secret favorite i think. but i am pretty sure it is in no waay one of our best.  anyway we got wierd playing it today again.  we’re playing through all our songs.  we are crazy missed meds all left at m*riads went there they not there at a*rons got a little triggered but shouldnt called found our own meds tryin wake up not feel so drugged snd crazy and takn advantage of (who wrote that?) help help help says someone but who things are wierd not real have things do but can’t be do anything just so hazy from no drugs cept smoke hope it kicks in people enjoy playin but play fas thtings are odd and bad and scary but dont know why and it doesnt seem that bad here on the outside but who knows what is going on in the pits.

oops

things are cold now wierd now there is nothing to hold on to. i think we are a little bit jealous of m*riad cuz they still have someone to hold on to, i mean it’s all unhealthy but like we mss that and we’ve been twisting in the wind for so long. they talk aboout it like we like are in this distinctly earlier place in our healing and so we have all this time to languish but sometimes i think that things are more complex than that and that we are in different places on different things and maybe it is not so clearly one behind the other. and i guess that is why we get triggered a bit when they like talk about how they can’t take time off because like we don’t feel like we have any more time luxery than they do and we *have* to take time off and it’s not fair and we get jealous that they have the option of functionality (partial or not).
there are just things they have we lost a while ago. someone who loves them so they are never alone. like they didn’t jjust give up on their grades like we did at the beginning of college. like in some ways it feels like there are lots of ways to breakdown and ours is the most obvious but like i don’t think things are that clear. and it’s tough for us to be broken down and hear someone talk about how unacceptable it is to them to be that way. cuz it’s unacceptable to US TOO we just don’t have a choice! so some of us get mad. like it’s not fair. we’re so sick of being the fucking dysfunctional one. every. fucking. time. i guess that’s just what we do. so we have to shine in a lot of other ways to make up for it and now they’re writing songs that are great and it’s like no you can’t do that you are going to SCHOOL and working towards a career you want to be in you can’t tkae this this is like the only tangible thing we have! and we get jealous and angry.
we can’t even think about havign someone to save you from the abyss because we will die for not having one. we will die. how can you give that up? we only did because we were so triggered by s*ef we literally couldn’t be around her without being in absolute terror. but like we miss it like crazy. it SUCKS to be alone. sucks sucks sucks to make your own decisions and not have anyone’s favor to curry and know that that’s all you need to do to be okay. god we miss that. we are definitely jealous. i mean i know others say i t isn’t worht it and whatever but like we still miss it and we’re jealous they have it. who fucking wants the abyss we don’t?
i want to die and my body hurts and i’m crazy and hazy can’t think need to sotp things are har di want to die i want to die.

plus i swear to god i am having the same dream over and over and it’s a theater i think the one at fr and there’s like a show and also i’m in the audience and i need to do a part of seomthing there ‘s a a tsest i don’t kwnow it ha[peens again adn again and someddya i’ll knwo it i wail

we are pretty sure m*riad thinks we are too much work

it’s too much work to make our pleasers feel useful, it’s too much work to process, it’s too much work to deal with our triggers.  i don’t know.  it’s a tough thing for us.  our whole body tightens and gets cold our head detaches and floats like a balloon.  we play katamari to ignore the feeling.  it is definitely one of the scariest.  we just sit and sift when we can and try to catch the threads and figure out what we are feeling and

lots of distraction of katamari today.  lots of smoke.  not much remembered now.  we feel very alone.  alone and sad and scared.

also that’s why e*in broke up with me really.  i was way too much work.  it is truly the worst thing.

just the idea that we are too much work sets our heart beating hard and fast.  it is the opposite of how we are supposed to be.  the opposite.  it is the worst thing.  it is the WORST i want to die i do i want to die i do i want to die i can’t do this i can’t do this i don’t even know what’s going on i’m just trying to hang on dammit this is too hard i want to die i am so alone and scared and alone and scared and alone and unloved and scared and alone and sad and cold and scared and alone and saf and alone adn sad and scaared and i want to die i want todie i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die we feel like we are trancing i*digo said it woulda freaked them out if kathy talked in a way too make them trance a bit even if they took them out of it and secret secret it did feel wierd and other people say all this crazy stuff about her wanting to do stuff because they are crazy and show us pictures that are not real but we are bad i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die

it took the process like over a day to run, but i think we figured out that we are scared and sad that we are too much work.  plus all the a*ron stuff, which believe me is here all over but i can’t write about it here.  yet says someone.  ever say i.

elizabeth wants to die and should die.  elizabeth wants to die and sshould die.  elizabeth wants to die and should die.  elizabeth wants to die and should die.  elizabeth wants to die and should die.  wleizabeth wants to die and should die.  elizabeth wants to die and hshould die.  every day the dreams get closer and closer to branching into here.

i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i am so scared i’ve been hearing high-pitched tones for a while but i didn’t tell nobody cuz theys not real so i didn’t say i am a good girl i can be i am i can be i am.  the worst disgrace is to not be a good girl, to be a bother and be work.  it is so scary.  to not be a good girl and make everything better like a good girl does that is what she does.  that is what she does.  that is what she does that is what she does that is what she does always posed be good to be around not be work posed be good bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl such a bad girl then everyone will hate me everyoone will hate me they’re all against me an they’ll turn against me if i’m not good enough if i’m bad they’ll turn against me and i’ll be alone and not be able to get them back so can’t be bad can’t let them find out i’m bad can’t let them

today is scary everything is scary we feel so alone and sad and scared and it is difficult here

dammit

another dream. think i woke up banging my head against the pillow over and over.  something about a hotel.  all these girls (my age) there were mad at me.  the rooms were supposed to be all of ours but i was locking all the doors and keeping them all out.  always doors i can’t get quite closed and locked in time.  they were all angry at me.  i was a bad girl.  i was trying to explain maybe.  red velvet soft place.

i do’t know what’s going on.  i just don’t know.

but what if the people had guns?

and could shoot her? mow her down with bullets driving by or through the window or roof or floor of their apartment building.  what if she couldn’t get away?  then wouldn’t you be rooting for her not to find out the information?  to save her lide?  wouldn’t that be the actual goal?

help help help i’m scare i’m scared please help me i’m scared

bad girl pretty girl bad girl brat girl hurt girl die girl theteres and the big space age conference center mall place in my dreams

help i’m scared please help me please help me please help me

for a while with noreen i was having these dreams where i would have accidentally found out this really important information and then like these 2 guys would be chasing me or a lot and it was always an official place like a business or like a government place or a sherrif’s station.  noreen thought i was maybe hiding the info from myself and getting upset at myself for finding out.  or maybe my family.

but i always spent the rest of the movie i mean dream hiding, trying to get past guards and not look suspicious, trying to pass for someone else.  it’s funny that’s how i feel around police even when i’m not doing anything illegal.  i have so many dreams where i am either almost or actually caught in possession or just spend the whole dream trying not to be.  it’s wierd.

but it’s like information i’m not supposed to have and didn’t mean to but now that i do i have to die.  which i guess is somewhat relevant to what i’m talking about here.  i thinkj insiders get exasperated when we don’t just listen to what they have to say and we demand a logical reason or some explanation of why it’s relevent.  that is so RIDICULOUS.

for me it all depends on the scenario.  how much power i’m willing to take.  how much power i can take, what the threat is to me.  if i have no control then that’s it and i switch into that mindset no hope come what will can’t fight try to be good.  but if i have enough i can fight back.  if i have all of it then i need to be sure i’m not hurting anyone.  like a big bear that accidentally claws people i am stupid and ugly

i know i am i am.  i know i am i am i know i am i am it is cold again cold cold turn up the heat turn it up cold on the right i am crazy everything is crazy we aren’t safe like in the dreams when it’s like a war but not but everything is unsafe horrible things happeneing no control just fear can’t protect self everyone around is scared like a natural disaster or an invasion and it is everyone for themselves because i can’t find e*a

we miss e*in sometimes, particularly lately.  i don’t know.  she was really funny, and caring, and the sex was really really good.  we’ll put up with a *lot* for that. and honestly we didn’t put up that much with her.  (sighs).  i don’t know, we miss her.

this is so pathetic but in this wierd way e*in was like this perfect girlfriend and friend at least in some of our minds and it wasn’t like that but we can do selective erasure and the bright moments were particualrly bright.  maybe that’s why i look for charming people so i can erase everything but the best and then it’s just a question of making the best even better even if the worst becomes much worse as a result.

which i guess is a general issue in our life, w ehadve a tendancy to erase everything but the stuff that makes us look best so then we care only about making that stuff ever.  rather than all the time, all of us,  all the non-best non-smooth non-perfect non-entertainging things we do.  i don’t know.  i’m stupid.

i just know if i were good enough he would love me and i just wish i was.  i guess that is our mantra.

heehee m*riad said this thing about

how they had never really appreciated how well we use humor to get out of awkward and tense situations by deflecting or distracting because they are usually not trying to do those things.  but then when they WERE they like could totally see how like we can just say something crazy and funny and just take the tension away because then no one is thinking about the tension they are just laughiung.  we are really good at that.

um maybe we reread what some of us worte last night andi t scareded us maybe.  don know why.  it was not thati interesting and it was probably just written to sound good or somthing because that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened tha t never happened we are so bad i know it we have stuff to get done and we ARENT we need to get it done!!  seriously!!!!!  lots of important important money stuff seriously!!!  we want to die it is too scary we want to die we do please can we we need to i need to die.

edges die edges girl now pl-ease okay then not mad anymore why is we so stupid so bad not good enough why is we not good enough don’t understand don’t understand why we is not good enough sleep with us don’t understand why we is not good enough we could be if you gave us a chance doesn’t hurt doesn’t hurt so we is happy you is happy all is happy see i dont understand why you get sad we must not be good enough yet we can try and try and someday maybe we will be please don’t give up we’ll be good enough some day (cold chill spread thru torso and arms)

we really will be good enough some day please don’t give up we’ll get better we are getting better we are we are just give us time to get better please we’ll be better we’ll do better we ccn we can please don’t give up i want to die please don’t give up we can be better we can be better we can be better we can be better we ccan save you if yo i mean we are better we can we can – e*a dream where we couldn’t save her?

it is funny to me that like if you are a little kid making adults come with your hands and mouth, you would definitely not be considered a top.  but if you are that same kid doing the same thing but in an adult body, you would be.  isn’t that wierd?  that seems wierd to me.

that is dirty bad girl bad girl to say that you bad girl you are so bad you bad girl don’t say that don’t say that what is wrong with you bad girl bad girl what is worng with you we hate you bad girl we hate you don’t say those things don’t say flash of grandma’s house don’t say those things diont say them well hit you and kill you we will because then you die bad girl say those things is so bad we will kill you dead NOW

impulse to do something else. reisisted and stayed here.

um we are pretty scarred here.  i dont know why, none of this is really that scary.  i mean it’s not like violent or anything so whateveri ts not a big deal you know we are so bad mak e it sa big deal please dont be mad please dont pleae dont please dont please dont please dont please dont help i want to die i am scared i have things to do i can’t be doing this i need to do the things i know i am being bad i am so bad i am so scared i am messing everything up i can tell help help help help help help i am so scared i really need to die i think okay omigod i ma so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl

sometimes i think my mom just tried to build in safeties

like she made us petrified of death, made it clear that it would kill her if we died, and basically i think tried to hardwire us against killing ourselves.

and i think she did the same thing with cutting or self-abuse.  we are petrified of marring our skin with a scar.  like we can’t do that, it would make us imperfect.  we can’t  it is important to have smooth skin it is important to be like nothing ever happened.

that is a big thing with e*a and me, like we have to make up for something we lose because you can’t ever have permanent damage.  you can’t.  that’s too much.  if it balances out it’s like it never happened.  so you gotta say when something happens why it was a good thing or ssomething or somthin good came out of it so you didn’t lose anything.

anyway, that is i’m pretty sure the only thing keeping me from cutting.  t’s so wierd, this cutting stuff is coming our of left field it was never an issue we never even got close.  but i think it has to do with something like another’s pain, like not being able to save them, ike not being able to save e*a.

at the same time maybe if i becoem a cutter the cool kids will finally let me sit at their table in group.  panda.

this is just odd i don’t understand how that could be changing for us it seemed so fundamental.  we hate blood and can’t handle cuts.  but then again we had no problems getting shots and our blood drawn and i guess it’s all on who’se out.

help help help says someone

once e*a called me from new york and she was scared dad had caught her oon his laptop or something or found something in her stuff and she didn’t even know if he was listening on the line and i was going INSANE and there was nothing i could do.

i didn’t cut then.  but i want to cut now.  what changed?

who am i kidding?  there is no way i would want to cut.  tht would hurt WAY too much and be horrible and i’d freak out what was i saying that is ridiculous.

i don’t know who is adding these tags, some of them don’t seem applicable but whatever.

ah, i see, i can’t imagine cutting the left arm but i almost can the right.  wird wierd.

what am i saying?  i would never cut.  i am ridiculous.

i am a complete idiot and i am scared and sad. whenevr i think of the worst torture it is always having to watch eva or mom hurt and not being able to stop it.

i’m slightly unnerved by the dimness and heaviness in my head and disorientation.  it makes me feel awful and scared een tho there isno one here too take advantage of  me anyway so what am i worried about it doesn’t make sense

i swear i am getting close with the dreams.  cricling birds.  circling birds.

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