who am i kidding?

if m*riad is running away, then i picked them because they would be running away.  and would probably freak out if they weren’t.  i mean, let’s be honest, that would be pretty part for the course (who the fuck wrote part instead of par?).  anyway, we aid our cable bill today so we won’t have it turned off at random, we showered last night for the first time in what i can only imagine was more than 2 weeks.  that felt nice.  we are thinking hapy things from what i*digo cuz kathy liked the rocks we picked out and the geode so they’d always have a cave and that made us happy cuz we really DID mean it like that and it’s nice when it can mean something to others too.  whatever.

but if m*riad is pushing us away, then i’m sure we chose that for that specific reason.  so we’d have something to fix, to focus on.  so we are always chasing.  god, who knows how much we create it?  so we won’t ever feel suffocated, because when it switches (catches breath), it’s just done and you’re never the same in our eyes again.  and we *really* don’t want that to happen.  so maybe this is our way of dealing with that.  maybe this would be a good time to explore those issues.

i mean, why would we want that?  so that the person never gets too close, so that they become a part of us and then they own us and they are EVERYWHERE and we want to die.  yes, definitely rejection is better than that.  e*in dumped us but that was still easier than the stuff with s*ef.  we are always running, towards or away.  what a waste.

we got to hear some of m*riads angry parts and they said some really interesting and cool stuff that really helped us understand things better.  it made us really happy.  we really do like them.  it’s funny, they treat their angry parts like we treat our weak/vulnerable/pathetic/needy parts.  they hide behind the angry ones.  it’s so odd.  i think it makes for trouble but i actually think we learn alot when we can actually step back from the triggers.  god i am so glad we don’t live together.  it’s so important to be able to step back and get perspective.  that’s what happened with s*ef.  she was always there.  even when she wasn’t.  we were so intertwined i didn’t have my own thoughts separate from her.  so i missed all the problems.  i missed that we were having a fair amount of non-consensual sex that made us really angry and resentful and scared.  that we were always tiptoing.  god i’m so glad i can get perspective.  i’m trying to step back, to look at myself.  i think we have a tendancy to focus on other people and their problem’s instead of our own.  something i imagine i share with many type-a-high-functioning multiples.  the shit has to go somewhere.  if you don’t claim it it’ll just go on whoever is nearby.  that’s how we do it and have done it.

i don’t know.  we’re just trying to open ourselves and listen.  somehow i imagine m*riad laughing at that, like thinking we are stupid.  what is that?  what is getting triggered that i think that?  that i see them as so functional that they wouldn’t even respect my getting in touch with my emotions?  that i see them as that far from theirs?  or just that i think they hold me and my processing in that much contempt, i guess.  or that it makes them angry.  i don’t know.  cuz it’s too close to things.  that’s probably mom stuff triggered.  she certainly doesn’t want me exploring stuff.

i got an email from a*ron that was, that was very similar to my own style (i realized later with help).  it was incredibly touching and after reading it and honestly since i have felt like i am crazy to think he’d do anything.  that i am still allowed to protect myself to *feel* safe and on others advice, but that it isn’t true at all.  which is just, i don’t know, interesting i guess.  i just realized that since i’ve read it i really haven’t been able to beleive it’s actually possible that he’d try to trance us or just try to get younger parts to sleep with him.  though some parts say it and show us other things but it is different like the writing.

but i was thinking about my mom’s emails.  and how she has adapted her style to just say she loves me and supports what i’m doing.  and how convinced i am by that.  and how such small and subtle comments and phrasses can lead me without even knowing it to her way of thinking.  and i have to say, if a*ron is doing that, then seriously my hat is off to him.  we are really impressed.  particularly our dark parts.  (smiles).  it’s sophisticated stuff.  just, not many people can really fool us even when we’re looking who aren’t in our family.  wow.  it’s.  wow (smiles like pam in the office episode where she’s impressed by jim).  seriously it would make him a lot cooler and more impressive in our minds.  a lot.

there are channels in that i am only beginning to see.  i think my mom swam them or helped create them and i think we can’t even see them when we are looking right at them.  even knowing that after reading it i basically believed there was no way he’d ever do anything and that he was just a hurt boy who felt alone and was doing his best.  and i guess the thing is that IS true, but there are a lot of parts of him.  it IS true, but possibly only for that part.

he can just, he can play (smiles) it like a piano.  he can access other parts of himself when it’s convenient.  he is almost undetectable.  he is adaptable.  he is amazingly skilled.  he is impressive.

woah.  what is going on?  we feel wierd?  like our face is numb or something in a cloud?  what is going on?

i guess we just keep writing and writing.

i think our greatest weakness may be our basic belief that we are fairly impervious to mind control and are instead actually a threat.  and that we are if anything fascinated by the idea of someone succeesffully doing it on us.  and i just wonder.  i wonder if that works right into their hands.  some things can be so subtle that look like just another cobblestone on the street and you don’t think anything when you trip.

okay, this is a seriously embarassing entry, but i’m going to write it anyway

so m*tt was here (already you can tell this is a teenager or preteen) and we just, wow this is seriously more embarassing than i thought it would be.  it is so odd what is embarassing for us.  i guess all or almost all admissions of embarassment, guilt, and/or shame.

blah okay.  so i am supposed to write this EVEN THO it is embarassing which makes NO sense to me but people say that friends are nicer to us than we are and strangers are nicer than friends.  or more irrelevent.  they can’t hurt you in the same way.  there’s nothing to lose.

wow we are really avoiding here, huh?  yep.  okay.  so.  ok.  so.  ok, i am just going to write this okay?  i’m just going to write it and you’re going to read it and that will be the end of it all.

i got a ps2 today w/ controllers and all for $60 on cl and it has it’s own screen but we can’t play that yet but can on the tv and we love it ist is for thhe kids if not the littles and wes are the good ones at it

we feel very alone.  unloved by those we love and scared of those that love us.  that is a pretty good sum up of how it is.

wow.  this is really embarassing.  okay.  okay.  okay.  people say it will be nicer after we write it

okay i marked it private and people calmed down and we’ll unmark it later if we have to.

we think m*tt has fallen out of love with us and thinks we are clingy (someone i think a little mispronounced it as kinky and i think he more knows that than thinks it tho i guess both are true).  we feel like we depend on him too much.  that he is too much of our world but we have serious fears getting in the way of seeing other people.  it is ridiculous how sexually threatened we are by like everybody sometimes.  and we just never know when it’s going to happen so we hide away.  we actually make a specific effort to usually be in groups of 3 or more because that feels much less threatening.  which i know makes us awful and horrible and a total bitch but whatever what do i care?

we try very hard to always be at least the minimum appropriate amount of graciousness.

okay, this is privated so we can say anything we want.  anything.  so m*tt’s lip or rather inside is in major pain and he even told us that and we (smiles just remembering this) totally forgot probably cuz borderlines came out or switched maybe during an office episode.

but we just.  wow this is super embarassing.  i don’t know why.  even on private.  people like keep checking to make sure it’s private.  worthless bitch.

we just we felt a little like he was an older guy like he was all cool and we were just all eager to spend any time with him at all and it is so wierd because it’s like not what was going on before it really is like entering a scene.  buffy actually does an episode that illustrates that feeling really well.  like how you can suddenly be like in a scene with someone and it’s real but everything has changed.

i don’t know.  i am trying not to say bad things and mess it up with m*riad and so they leave us cuz they don’t love us anymore and is tired of us.

and like even tho rationally we get that things are totally different to us it feels like rejection like they are tierd of us even if given our own thought swe’d prefer to be alone too that is the craziness of it.

but like before they were leaving they kept stopping a bit and talking then moving a bit and i’d move  bit towards the door and they sat by the door for a bit (god i am so stupid)  and it felt *wow this is embarassing* like a date or something like awkward or nervous or like the energy of like when you don’t know someone that well and you can like keep getting sucked into conversation when you’re like walking out the door i don’t know i am such a loser i am such a complete loser i am such a loser i am such a complete loser whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever

aren’t my hang-ups wierd?  i think they’re wierd.

maybe we just have a response to someone wanting to leave that we want them to stay and feel rejected.  maybe that’s the trigger like when they said they could watch one more episode than that’s it and i bet that triggered it then we WANT them to stay it is so stupid we are so stupid i hate us i hate us i want to beat us about the head i hate us

we are so stupid to want that to want more than people can give to think about m*riad so much i bet they don’t think about us nearly as much and we are bad to write ALL OF THIS we are so bad and worthless and worthless and worthless and worthless and worthless and worthless and pathetic and clingy and overeager

overeager is bad. clingy is bad.  can’t ever be too much want to much it is embarasing it is so embarasing. i want to die it is so embarasing it is so embarasing how can we write these things where people will read them there is something wrong with us we are bad bad bad people we are so bad and worthless and hateable and worthless and hareable and worthless and hateable and worthless and hateable and worthless and hateable i am hateable and worthless and hateable even tho rationally we know that is not how it is we can’t change how we feel we is so bad and pathetic i want to die we is so pathertic i want to die we is pathetic i want to die we is so pathetic we is we is iwant to die i want to die body is tensing head hurting all day neck back body hurts tired headache spreads to front so much tension want to die i do i do i do i do i do help help help help

sometimes it feels like the only thing i need is for m*riad to love me and everything will be okay and that is the most shameful of all.  and blah blah they do so clearly that is a fallacy but whatever that is how it feels and i don’t care i know i’m bad and worthless and a bitch and pathetic and horrible and should die but i said it anyway because i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me

the song we are working on now

(starting 30 seconds in there is a slight sound of crackling from oil for latkes, i just warn in case you might get triggered. our mom does *big time*).  anyway we just started writing it this afternoon but we figured the timing may be relevent if it is actually inter-system communication trying to slip past the s/censors.

always late (beginnings, mostly chorus and end)

also we are having wierd stuff around our right wrist like we are missing layers of skin especially right where the veins are and it extends up into the hand and down into the arm a bit too.  anyway it’s wierd.

heehee m*riad said this thing about

how they had never really appreciated how well we use humor to get out of awkward and tense situations by deflecting or distracting because they are usually not trying to do those things.  but then when they WERE they like could totally see how like we can just say something crazy and funny and just take the tension away because then no one is thinking about the tension they are just laughiung.  we are really good at that.

um maybe we reread what some of us worte last night andi t scareded us maybe.  don know why.  it was not thati interesting and it was probably just written to sound good or somthing because that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened that never happened tha t never happened we are so bad i know it we have stuff to get done and we ARENT we need to get it done!!  seriously!!!!!  lots of important important money stuff seriously!!!  we want to die it is too scary we want to die we do please can we we need to i need to die.

edges die edges girl now pl-ease okay then not mad anymore why is we so stupid so bad not good enough why is we not good enough don’t understand don’t understand why we is not good enough sleep with us don’t understand why we is not good enough we could be if you gave us a chance doesn’t hurt doesn’t hurt so we is happy you is happy all is happy see i dont understand why you get sad we must not be good enough yet we can try and try and someday maybe we will be please don’t give up we’ll be good enough some day (cold chill spread thru torso and arms)

we really will be good enough some day please don’t give up we’ll get better we are getting better we are we are just give us time to get better please we’ll be better we’ll do better we ccn we can please don’t give up i want to die please don’t give up we can be better we can be better we can be better we can be better we ccan save you if yo i mean we are better we can we can – e*a dream where we couldn’t save her?

it is funny to me that like if you are a little kid making adults come with your hands and mouth, you would definitely not be considered a top.  but if you are that same kid doing the same thing but in an adult body, you would be.  isn’t that wierd?  that seems wierd to me.

that is dirty bad girl bad girl to say that you bad girl you are so bad you bad girl don’t say that don’t say that what is wrong with you bad girl bad girl what is worng with you we hate you bad girl we hate you don’t say those things don’t say flash of grandma’s house don’t say those things diont say them well hit you and kill you we will because then you die bad girl say those things is so bad we will kill you dead NOW

impulse to do something else. reisisted and stayed here.

um we are pretty scarred here.  i dont know why, none of this is really that scary.  i mean it’s not like violent or anything so whateveri ts not a big deal you know we are so bad mak e it sa big deal please dont be mad please dont pleae dont please dont please dont please dont please dont help i want to die i am scared i have things to do i can’t be doing this i need to do the things i know i am being bad i am so bad i am so scared i am messing everything up i can tell help help help help help help i am so scared i really need to die i think okay omigod i ma so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl is so bad bad girl

okay so m*riad made an interesting point

cuz like we realized we was maybe triggered or somethinand wes ated a candy and 2 potato chips tonight feelin sick maybe oops we’s just tryin help form the pain stop it hurtin wes tryin run helphelp

on another note, omigod i have decided that saying “it would be better if you did such-and-such” has about the function and helpfullness of saying “it would be better if you hadn’t been abused”  so put THAT in your pipe and smoke it

we are so bad.  nymph wrote this cool imrpressive smart stuff and we didn’t say how smart then m*raid said it fore we could but WE THOUGHTED IT ALREADY and we hate not identifin smart stuff bfore other people  cuz nymph all totlly explained logic or like how you can only be sure of the people who like have a use for you.  it was very smart.  we are stupid and wish we were smart and cool like nymph she is all like says what she thinks like even tho it is totally unpopular with the system and like society (say bigs) and stuff we say everyone.  oh we is so bad we is so bad.  we is so bad.  want die.  want die want die want die want die want die want die.

m*riad think maybe should password whole journal but we don’t know tho now we say it get real scared so maybe shouldshould maybe we isn’t listenin.

but ANYWAYS they said write about what you is scared happen no matter what.

sometimes i think people add tags for things they are thinking about but can’t say and that is all they can say and i’ve decided that’s valid and also we just got super cold so we must be pretty scared

and we had a flash to go change our tags to be easier to get to and really wanted to do that and i think that might be a distraction method by someone.  it was really crazy when we tried to change our password yesterday and got all foggy couldn’t remember what happened how to do it couldn’t figure it out and m*riad had to.  that was odd.  that was odd.

and yet we still have not done what we set out to do in this post: which is to write specifically about our fears.  god other people are going ONJ about the punctuation in that last sentence but fuck them oh we are so cold so cold so cold why why why

what is we scared alone scared  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone not loved alone not loved alone not loved don’t want that too scary please too scare pl-ease

bad girrl she is a bad girl she is she is i know it i know it i kow it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it

worthless bitch i know she is a worthless bitch i know it okay so shut up i know it i know it so shut up don’t tell me i know it please don’t say it i know it please don’t tell me i’m bad i know it please don’t sya i know i t i hurt myself see you don’t have to i hurt myself so you don’t have to see?  see?  so you don’t hae to okay?  maybe then you don’t have to.

i can be good and i can hurt myself see?  so you don’t have to see so you don’t have to see so you don’t have to see so you don’t have to do it i do it so you can be happy and love me maybe if i hurt myself maybe you will love me again because i need that to happen please i hurt myself then i don’t lose you and you don’t have to okay? (strong pain in right upper forearm near shoulder, almost like when you’ve gotten a tetnis shot)

i am bitch i know it but maybe i hurt myself you love me again maybe? see i try make you happy see then you love me maybe maybe maybe okay? i try real hard do a real good job and then you love me maybe maybe please

that would be nice than you love me maybe and love me maybe and love me maybe and i’m good you love me maybe i can hurt myself again you love me even *more*

okay?  please let me do that so you can love me  i don’t understand why you don’t and won’t let me i just want to make you happy so you will love me i don’t understand why not and why i am so bad  why not hurt me make you love me please  why not you let me do it why not so you can love me why not you don’t want to love me why not i can’t be ba d girl i can’t sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i be good i will i will i will i will i will i will i will i can be so good so good just give me a chance

if you give me a chance i can be so good make you so happy make you so happy make you so happy why don’t why won’t let us why won’t let ys won’t love us you don’t you don’t don’t let us make you happy we is so bad why is you no t let us bee good make you happy we can be so good we can be so good we can be so good we can be so good we can be so good  we can be so good  we can be so good  we can be so good  we can be so good we can be so coog if you have no idea if you just let us be good we can be so good we can we can if you let us and then you love us why not you don’t want to lvoe us you don’t you don’t lvoe us i know cuz you won’t let us mak e you happy so you don’t i know it i know it i am so bad i am a bad girl

these are bad thing s scary things but say feel too real not say but we is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad we is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad

i can be good girl so excited so good make you so happy you  have no idea you dont have to do anything i can make you so happy i am so good i am so good i am so good if you give me a chance i am a courtesan i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good

i really can be such a good girl if you give me a change i mean chance i can be good girl or good boy i can be good anything really i can be so good give me the cahnce i can make you so happy i promise i swear i promise i can i can i can i can i can why don’t you let me why not why don’t why dnot you don’t love me i guess

i guess you don’t i guess you don’t i guess you don’t i guess you don’t i know you don’t i know it i know it cuz if you love me you let me make you happy so you can actually really love me or something wait hmmmm

not make sense already love me not make sense except from amde you happy before maybe but that wear off can’t be other that not make sense that is wierd arresting can’t don’t like think why think that why say that why be good girl bad girl i am so bad omigoodnes i cam so bad i should die okay i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i neef to die

i know i am saying bad things and beign bad i know cuz i feel it so strong so scared i know this must be bad very bad i must be very selfish and very bad i must be i am sorry i am sorry i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die\

why can’t make happy why can’t be good why can’t so stop feelin so scared and alone and sad forver why can’t let make better why i don’t understand why that hurts us i don’t understand we must just be too bad to deserve it not good enough not good enough not good enough not godo enough not good enough not good enough not good enough not goo d enough i want to die please i want to die if i’m not good enough i want to die i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am

i want to die i do i do i need to die forever now this is too much this is awful this is nothing there is nothing i want to die there is nothing i want to die there is nothing there is nothing there is only one familiar i want tod ie i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die

i want to die faker copycat manipulater showoff lier conceited bitch

i know i am bad please don’t tell me i know it and i am happy to hurt myself really just tell me i will i’ll make it better please just tell me i can i can make it better just give me a chance i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can

help i need to die i know i am being bad i feel like my skin is exploding i feel like i am too restless to be i want to die this is awful i want to die i want to die help help help help help help help help

we had this talk with m*riad that got us thinking

about sex and what being a bottom or a top allows us to do. i think if we are a top than we are in charge of getting the other person off and kind of how things go in general. as a bottom, we are responsible for being as sexy as possible so that the person topping us is happy.

so that, uh, affects the sounds we can make.  like if we are a bottom, we are supposed to be a girl, or at least really feminine.  we are really not ever supposed to make guy sounds but if we are topping in certain situations it is maybe okay.

i don’t know, the rules seem pretty clear and hard (ha ha) and fast (ha ha ha) to us.  but it was interesting cuz m*riad didn’t seem to see it that way and that was interesting.  sometimes it makes things crack and like we can see whole other possibilities.

you know what’s wierd in those dreams?  a lot of times nobody cares about me or believes me but suddenly e*in is there acting like omigod i’m so great.  says someone.  that is NOT what we were going to say.  e*in thinks she is so great and better than us she does she does.  um, what the hell?

e*in should go away we hate her.  she should we do.  um, she did.  she go away we hate her.

okay i am really trying to write about something here.  okay, (flash of brooklyn near park)

okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay

help help help i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i;m scared

help help help i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scaredi i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared i’m scared im’ scared i’m scaredi ‘m scared

it is not safe the people are not safe they are around it is like a party

helpp i’m scared

  • Categories

  • Pages