for the record

i have the following to do.  all very important.  all over due.

• tuition forfeiture petition so i’m not charged $3200 by the law school
• get form from testm so i can get my $93 in food benefits for this month (or some part of it)
• get in apartment cert so i don’t get evicted

so that would be money, food, and shelter.  if anyone’s keeping track.  so way to fuck up.  we are handling none of this.  at all.  we do nothing.  i hear people talk about taking days off and not getting anything done today and every day for me is a day off.  and it seems like i would get used to it but to an extent it’s like both.  a day off with no responsabilities, a day off because i’m too crazy to function but am way to scared to deal with it and feel awful and guilty and self-hating.

it’s odd it does help a bit to write it.  but still i hate saying thing sout loud i’m failing at and that hurt me.  it makes them real.  and this isn’t out loud but whatever.

it is ridiculous to have our life be like that.  we never have well-earned time off, all our time off is amorphous and should be used doing the things we have to get done.  we never get to feel like we are taking a day off.  i don’t know.  it’s like it’s all time you should be doing your homework.  but not in the wayt hat makes tv that fun.

whatever.  anyway.

we are a stupid bitch who is scared about things they shouldn’t be scared about.

sometimes we wish m*riad had rock band here so we could play it more cuz we really do love it and that you can both play at the same time.  i don’t know we are stupid.  we wish we had money so we could maybe help pay and get use it more or whatever we are so STUPID don’t SAY THAT you stupid bitch

ugh, people are so rude.  anyway,

panda girl

how much i am supposed to be smoking: an eighth a week.

how much i appear to be smoking: an eighth and a third a week.

how much more that costs me a month:~$50 (or so) bucks

what is ridiculous: the amount of money i spend on this a month

i just cannot believe myself.  watching tv. smoking.  not doing anything i’m supposed to.  deadlines creep closer and closer.  what exactly am i expecting to happen?  for me to magically be able to do it?

well, yes, i am.  or rather i’m waiting for someone who can handle it to come out.  i won’t get panicked until wednesday.  i have 3 separate things:

• the dshs paperwork to get food benefits next month
• get ssi app confirmation to
• DO SSI FUNCTIONALITY AND WORK HISTORY PAPERWORK

all of which are basically due friday.  our ears are popping popping popping popping. that is wierd.  wierd wierd wierd.

we are so bad and should go to exercize but don’t.  i am honestly amazed at how little we do.  and we compound it every second by worrying so much we don’t do anything.  we are so focused on making the best use of our time that we freak out and make the worst.  ugh.  fucking a.

our upper back and neck have been hurting like CRAZY like CRAZY which is maybe due to mom. and her email.  and whatnot.

we are having arguments because some people say this is getting to stream-of-consciousness for the blog catagory and some are saying we can just check both and others are saying that defeats the purpose we want to use catagories for and it’s like omigod i can’t do this

so we turn on another episode of the office and take another hit. at least if we didn’t feel guilty we’d be a successful hedonist at least. we fucking fail at everything.

so we check both and say fuck it.