so here i am

i’m writing so woohoo so great so well done

i… i don’t have anything i want to talk about.  i have things.  but i do not want to talk about them.  i want to talk about things that don’t make me uncomfortable, perhaps that make me look cool in some way.

so so so so so so.

so myriad and i were talking about abuse, well sexual abuse.  and being someone who is supposed to be passive vs. active.  and i really have no real info about being someone passive.  but i have a fair amount for being active.  and i think for me that’s actually very tied up in sexual abuse and being triggered and stuff.  like we were trained really well on how to make women happy.  and we did that.  a lot.  and that is still very much a mindset for us we have to deal with.  which also is nicely sidestepped by sleeping with a guy.

but anyway.  we just, we like even have all these rules about what we are supposed to do.  but it’s not… it’s not sexy for one thing.  we don’t get turned on though i guess some parts might or like enjoy it or something in some contexts but i think it is only when they are in charge which is a whole different ball park.

i really have no idea what or why or how i am writing.  i know it is late at night and we just started our period and, i don’t know.

my dad used to go on and on about how i didn’t seem to want to visit him and he didn’t understand and then finally at the end he’d do what i’d be dreading the whole time: say “well?  well, elizabeth?”

and then i’d have to respond.  say something that explained why i didn’t want to visit for as long or why i never called that didn’t show that i was scared of him and didn’t like to be around him.  because that was completely off limits.  you had to cloak your answers.

i’ve started making these little magnets that are tiny paintings on canvas.  they are cool.

blah.  anyway.  my dad would say “well, elizabeth?” and i would neer know what to say and it was the worst.

and the thing is i think a lot of my abuse has involved me being active, versus passive.  which is not to say passive as in you don’t do anything.  but i guess i think of it as how much you are supposed to initiate and like “do” yourself or something.  whatever.

like with my mom i had to actively take care of her.  like she wasn’t into punishment or like stuff like that.  she’d scream but at least later in life i screamed back.  i guess it’s probably different before and after we moved.

it’s funny, my mom gained a lot of weight after we moved here, i think coinciding with her breaking down and changing.  because she was away from dad so she was relatively safe.  i guess really just e*a and i were in danger here.  she could just give us up.  there are 2 houses, grandma’s in larchmont and barb’s in bellevue and they are together and near each other and the same and they are ball rooms and fancy things and getting dizzy.

anyway, i guess i just, i don’t get triggered into docile passivity, or rather that doesn’t worry me as much.  i get triggered into trying to actively make people happy.  and i think being active is really key.

i don’t know.  i want to die.

help i’m scared.

i think i think i think

i think i lose weight as i get more broken down, which is the opposite of my mom, who gained weight when she got more “safe”.

my dad,  my dad my dad my dad

i think weight, like messiness, can be a good protector.  a physical and emotional buffer.  funny because they are both also so stigmatized and often make people want to change to get rid of them.  i think the involuntary protectors are the most effective.  though they suck.  but you can’t fight your own wall.

i don’t know.  there are buses and hills in my dreams.  i think there is another life.  a whole other life.  and i don’t want to go back to it.  it is on a campus like my college’s.  it is.  i don’t know.  i don’t want to go back to it.  i don’t.  i don’t.  i don’t.  i don’t.  i don’t.  i don’t.  it’s not even particularly scary but it feels, unsafe.  even though i know it is a dream and so it isn’t real anyway so what does it matter but it’s like in the outer limits you hook them up to the machine make them imagine things they get so upseet they die from fear even though it’s not real

i don’t know.  i just don’t want to go back.  i don’t.  it’s just teachers and students and school.  stop it.  stop it.  none of this happened.  stupid girl.  stupid.

it’s futuristic like glassy like glass bubbles and glass and round.  i hear sounds.  are they coming?

stop.  stop.  nothing happened.  sstop.

and escalators.  and theaters. amphitheaters.  and buses and hills and transportation.  and tests and being too late and scared.

i have no idea whether this is apprpriate or not

but m*riads told me once that the only (best?) defense they had was to tell and tell and tell.  and so in that vein… i guess if it’s inappropriate i’ll find our and decide what to do from there.

so here is what i think.  i think that a lot of parts of a*ron that used to be out are locked inside.  i think they’ve been locked away for a while.  i think the part or part(s) that is keeping them locked away is doing anything and everything in his/their power to maintain that.  i think that part is very strong.  i think that part is very smart.  i do *not* meet people who are as skilled at manipulating as i am, certainly who are not also more comfortable using it in extreme and risky ways.  i do *not* meet people who have the ability to access other parts and use them to best mimic another person’s thought process and what would appeal to them.  i am impressed, perhaps above all else.

but i do think those parts are trapped.  and i don’t think they can get out while he/they is this strong.  and i think he is trapped too, whether he knows it or not.  i think the labrinth is beautiful and glamorous and relies on never seeing.  i think the songs could be about something else.

but what do i know?  i guess i think i have held the crystal ball myself and i recognise the sleight of hand.  now.  but even i am easily hypnotized.  which is why i really can’t be in contact.  it would take someone as skilled as me to fool me.  i think he is strong.

those are the things that i think.  i think i am a threat to him now that i see at least part of what’s going on.  i think that is the biggest and only real threat to the labrinth.  but it is only me.  and i was at best a side project, and probably just a bonus and perhaps someone to shore up support or at least not be an obstacle.  i don’t know really.  it is too bad i can’t talk to him.  that i am not strong enough, not aware enough or in control enough of my triggers.  it’s too bad they don’t make babel fish for that.

lots of body pains with our period but they are up up.  we sleep almost on our stomache now, which is super bad for our back.  we need to get adjusted.  we need to do a lot of things.

i also think that actively exploring these thoughts is an important part of my defense.  and that i am getting much more pain from my sides around my stomache and don’t know what’s going on.  what is going on??

help help help help says someone inside

this is not an entry i want to write

okay. let’s start there. this is not an entry i want to write. i am writing it, but i don’t want to be. someone started basically dictating it in our head and i was like fine i’ll write it out cuz maybe then we’ll get somewhere and they’ll shut up.

okay.  so this is not an entry i want to write.  i am writing it on protest.  my protest has beenc carried, motion to dismiss motion denied okay.  so we don’t want to talk about this.  have we established that yet?  i really want to make sure it is established.

okay, so here we are talking about this thing we don’t want to talk about.  yep.  here we are.  just talkin and talkin about it.  just being so open with everyone aren’t we wonderful?

i think we probably have been a little superior around m*riad.  not because we are, but because we aren’t.  isn’t that always how it works.  and this isn’t even what we don’t want to talk about.  this is what we’d *Rather* talk about than that.  so let’s see admitting we are wrong check ….  hmmmm what else.

we started our period today.  so that is, um, awesome.  and then we got totally triggered and fell asleep.  it was our period.  we started it when we went travelling with grandma.  she said she would and she was right.

and none of this is the stuff we don’t want to talk about.

alright.  so here it is.  i think we have girl sub parts that want very much to be dominated and possibly hurt.  and i think we keep them locked up for the most part and i think we also have other parts selecting people to sleep with who they percieve as not being dangerous in this way at all.  so even if the parts want to they can try all they want and get nowhere.  i think they pick people who don’t want that kind of power dynamic with us like what the guy in labrinth said where the person submits their will to yours.  i think i try not to pick people like that.

and then i thought what if i made a mistake?  and someone i picked had those parts and they could be brought to the surface and we did and then we just got locked into it and addicted to it until it was woven into the fabric of our lives (who the fuck wrote that?)

anyway, i was thinking that those parts would see the relationship as this special thing that they had created and was like theirs.  and like for them it would be this amazing perfect love and i was thinking about how could i ever give that up or see it otherwise?

i guess i was thinking that there was nothing anyone could say to me.  and a

and honestly a fair amount of stuff of this was true of my mom and much more with my mom.

but like those parts couldn’t be convinced not to feel that way.  that just is.  something would have to come that would be bigger than that.  for us, that was e*in who brought out parts that were like related to parts or made space for parts that were scared out of their mind of s*ef.  it was odd, the other parts never went away.  it was just like these other parts came out and they were *Way* louder.

and still s*ef left us.  she decided she couldn’t deal with us basically avoiding her completely and being pretty angry with her and crazy and stuff.  s*ef didn’t have access to those parts enough to draw them out past the upset and scared ones.

once we got scared of s*ef it never stopped.  still hasn’t.  those parts are in absolute fear.  frozen.

but still s*ef left us.  i don’t know if we e*er could have actually left her.

basically we just became so scared of her that we couldn’t be around her at all it drove us insane.

i think in some ways we were scared because we had to be to not just do whatever she wanted to make her happy.  because that’s all we had to do and then she loved us unconditionally and then she loved us so much.  and we *could* do it and it wasn’t that hard at all. and then it was.  wow lots of random shoooting body pains um that is odd.

it was easy and then it was almost impossible now.  the scared parts are out in such full force around her.  again, i think this is the only defense we have.  the thick wall.  we can’t talk to her we can’t email her because we will ffeel like we need to save her we will feel her pain.

i mean i guess s*ef almost begged us to get back together.  or something.  after we broke up she came up to my room and cried and i sat with her and sympathized because i knew i was the bad guy.  but i couldn’t take it away.  when i lost that ability with her i lost it and there was no turning back.  in some ways i think s*ef used everything she could she just didn’t have the right keys.  to get past the scared ones.  the caretakers and such could not be called out with so much fear around.  it was wierd.  whatever.  anyway.

still none of this is really what i was supposed to write about.  though it is tangential.

really what happened was e*in called up or reached or jumpstarted or brought forward or whatever all these parts that couldn’t deal with s*ef i think.  and they like just freaked out when they came out and exploded and it was like shock waves of fear emanating from us.

basically they made it intolerable to be around s*ef at all.  so that was just that.  we can’t stand it and have to avoid.  avoid avoid it is nice to have that as really you’re only defense mechanism.  it is effective.  i’m not talking to s*ef or my mom.  i mean how many people can say that?  i mean of course there are the downsides of just cutting people out of your life all the time and kind of starting over: loss of support, instability, barrier to intimacy, blah blah blah.  but still.

the thing is that while adults got along with s*ef.  i think the people who really loved her were kids.  so they were the only ones who *could* be around her.  but they were also the ones who got really hurt by her (in addition to all the love which by far outwieghed it for them).  it seemed a very small price to pay for them.  i don’t know.  they still think that.

it’s like they went away or soemthing or were kept away from s*ef by the scared parts.  because seriously there are parts who were happy to do things to make her happy but they just weren’t around anymore it was just the angry ones who looked like they weren’t.  i don’t know who knows i don’t remember?

and still none of this is what i didn’t want to write about.  shocker.

i guess in some ways what happened is the walls came down and the people who were angry at s*ef and scared of her came out and they .  and really we could only do it because we had this unhealthy obsession and relationship with e*in to take it’s place in a lot of ways.  if we hadn’t, i’m sure we’d still be with s*ef.

i don’t know.  still off-topic.  at least somewhat.

i was really lucky.  s*ef had a lot of resources socially and stuff.  though emotionally i still think not.  and i think the social stuff masks it and that scares because i don’t know if she’ll ever deal with it.  i don’t know how anyone grows without crisis.  we certainly don’t.  all major change in our life has come kicking and screaming because we didn’t have a fucking choice in the fucking matter.

when i am around s*ef i sense an equal or like not clearly unequal amount of pain to a*ron.  who i use as a basis for comparison because i don’t know if i have met anyone with the exception of my mother who i sense such psychic pain from.  s*ef has a lot of resources, at least she has the ability to *think* she is happy (how condescending is that, you bitch).  she has enough to distract is what i am really saying.  it is funny.  that’s better, right?  to have the resources to distract?

because sometimes i am so thankful that we don’t anymore, at least not to the level we did.  because we just, we use them. we use whatever we can, less so now but still even now

we’re supposed to want to be happier?  to be in the least amount of pain right?  we’re supposed to want that for other people?  for them to escape their pain as much as possible?  for us to help?  that is our job yes?  i mean isn’t it?  right?

it is cruel to want someone to experience their pain, or stop distracting from it.  it is cruel and selfish.  because i would never want that for myself.  so it must be cruel and selfish.  who looks at their pain unless they absolutely fucking have to?  not me.

i guess that kind of means it’s cruel to expect my other parts to just come out and experience their pain so i can be over it and healed.  i guess it’s hard to ask people to go through that.  especially if i’m not ready to provide them support.

sometimes when i am with m*riad i think i get very close to myself and sometimes i think i get very far and i wonder why those happen.  i don’t know.  i don’t want to be awake at 4:53am or whatever the fuck it is who the fuck cares not me.

and still none of this is really directly actually revealingly what i want to talk about.

what i wanted to talk about was that we actually have a lot of rape fantasies.  that just is what it is.  it’s true and it is how we get off when we are by ourselves for the most part and we write our own internal movies/stories using whatever we’ve picked up that we like.

we are never the victim.

okay, that is not true.  but those people are not fucking talking right now becuase the fact that we are even admitting that is a huge liability.

we are actually not the abuser for the most part.  but we would rather admit to that than .  and really you have to identify with one more than the other right?  and so if we have to choose we pick the abuser.  tho it’s touch for parts that say this makes us look bad but likewhatever.  it’s always a choice.  be bad or weak. bad or weak.  bad or weak.  pick one.

we actually just kind of make up little movies that are kind of they have some like written description sometime.  it’s not fully a movie or a story.  anyway, that is mostly how we get off.

and i*igo said something cool about how hearing about something can be hotter than actually doing it.  like the *idea* can be hotter than the thing itself.

i’m not sure why that made us happy but it did.

it was like we hadn’t considered that there might be a difference between thought an action.  or like that thought could actually be more satisfying than action in certain ways

and i wonder a little if like part of being an abuser is that the action is more satisfying than the thought.  simulation is much worse than reality.  i don’t know.  i’ve been thinking alot about what makes an abuser.  or like what characteristics there might be to those parts or to people where those parts manifest fully (or close to) outside.  which i guess goes along with that action versus thought.

i guess i just always thought that thought was like a prelude or like an incomplete without action.  which is CRAZY because i have spent forever lecturing people on how different thought and action are.

especially because a part of the thought is wishing it COULD be action.  so obviously action would be better right?

and it occured to me what if it *seemed* like action would be better but that was part of the thought, and part of what made it satisfying was wanting *more* of something without actually having it because having it would actually make you feel awful.  but a component of this is *feeling* like you want it to actually happen.  isn’t that wierd?  i think it’s wird.  i think you’re wierd.  well i think YOU’RE wierd.

i guess like we know with those unspeakables we know that thought is better than action.  that is less true in other areas though.  and we just really don’t let them out unless it is perfectly safe or whatever.  wouldn’t it be wierd if you thought it was safe and then you built this whole world and then you realized too late you were trapped in it?  how could you know while it was happening?

i just thought it was a cool idea that the thought of something could be hotter than the thing itself.  even though i know i know that.  and have applied that.  somehow i hadn’t applied it here or something.  like i wasn’t taught it applied here.  like i thought the only way a thought would be hot is if it were based on basically the same action.  if it were kind of an echo, whose worth comes only from it’s reminder of the event.  isn’t that wierd?  i think it’s wierd.  i don’t know.  i don’t fucking know anything.

aren’t you always supposed to want your desires to be fulfilled?  isn’t that what happiness is?  it’s odd to me to imagine it actually being pleasurable *not* to do that.  even though i think that is very much how i set up my life.  i tend to pick people who are at least somewhat out of the question i always want things i can’t have.  why didn’t i see it here?  why can’t i see it here?

it just seems like the happiest thing in the world is giving someone exactly what they want.  right?  though i guess that very often doesn’t go well for us.  but still isn’t that what you’re supposed to try to do if you’re good?  how can wanting be good?  how can it not be worse and horrible.

i guess there is the idea that what people want can actually hurt them.  and while that doesn’t give you the right to get in their way, it also means that denying them isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  it might be a neutral thing.  which doesn’t make sense cuz that’s not how they see it and what they see it matters.

the idea of denying people what they want as a neutral thing is CRAZY to me.  but like, i guess that’s what that would mean.  if what people want isn’t necessarily and often is not better for them, than isn’t it not necessarily and often not a positive thing to do it?  not that it’s a negative.  but what if it isn’t either?  isn’t that crazy?  that is crazy. that’s definitely crazy.

it is always wrong to deny people what they want and need.  it is always bad and selfish and it is youor responsability to give it.

but what if it isn’t?  what if it isn’t bad.  or good.  or anything.  it just is.  it’s neutral and you could argue it 7 ways til sunday (who keeps writing that?) and prove it’s anything but really it’s nothing it just is.

and if that were true than really it would just matter what was best for me or okay for me or like i could consider it.

if it really were neutral.  which it isn’t.  because that is crazy.  because they don’t see it as neutral.  and people are in SO MUCH PAIN when you deny them what they need.  you can’t do that.  that is cruel.

bitch bitch bitch you make up these lies to let yourself tell lies to yourself about how you are not selfish and wrong and bitchy and horrible but you are you are and you know it and you know who you owe and what you owe them and you will never escape you will never escape

labrinth is one of the best movies about healing i’ve seen.  i love the faces that are just like “beware!” “go back!” “you are in grave danger!” and the guy is just like, don’t mind them, they have to say that.  and hten they aren’t so scary.  they just have to say that.  i don’t know.  somehting about what the goblin king says.  submit and i’ll give you everything.  and everything is so glittery and cool and sexy and she isn’t.  how could she give that up?

unhappiness is such a small price.  such a small price.  such a small price.  to get away from the loneliness.

but it is all distraction.  even the unhappiness is part of it.  it is all a distraction it is all a crystal ball and smoke and mirrors that look so much better than the real thing.

but it is such a small price, isn’t it?  it seems small to me.

who am i kidding?

if m*riad is running away, then i picked them because they would be running away.  and would probably freak out if they weren’t.  i mean, let’s be honest, that would be pretty part for the course (who the fuck wrote part instead of par?).  anyway, we aid our cable bill today so we won’t have it turned off at random, we showered last night for the first time in what i can only imagine was more than 2 weeks.  that felt nice.  we are thinking hapy things from what i*digo cuz kathy liked the rocks we picked out and the geode so they’d always have a cave and that made us happy cuz we really DID mean it like that and it’s nice when it can mean something to others too.  whatever.

but if m*riad is pushing us away, then i’m sure we chose that for that specific reason.  so we’d have something to fix, to focus on.  so we are always chasing.  god, who knows how much we create it?  so we won’t ever feel suffocated, because when it switches (catches breath), it’s just done and you’re never the same in our eyes again.  and we *really* don’t want that to happen.  so maybe this is our way of dealing with that.  maybe this would be a good time to explore those issues.

i mean, why would we want that?  so that the person never gets too close, so that they become a part of us and then they own us and they are EVERYWHERE and we want to die.  yes, definitely rejection is better than that.  e*in dumped us but that was still easier than the stuff with s*ef.  we are always running, towards or away.  what a waste.

we got to hear some of m*riads angry parts and they said some really interesting and cool stuff that really helped us understand things better.  it made us really happy.  we really do like them.  it’s funny, they treat their angry parts like we treat our weak/vulnerable/pathetic/needy parts.  they hide behind the angry ones.  it’s so odd.  i think it makes for trouble but i actually think we learn alot when we can actually step back from the triggers.  god i am so glad we don’t live together.  it’s so important to be able to step back and get perspective.  that’s what happened with s*ef.  she was always there.  even when she wasn’t.  we were so intertwined i didn’t have my own thoughts separate from her.  so i missed all the problems.  i missed that we were having a fair amount of non-consensual sex that made us really angry and resentful and scared.  that we were always tiptoing.  god i’m so glad i can get perspective.  i’m trying to step back, to look at myself.  i think we have a tendancy to focus on other people and their problem’s instead of our own.  something i imagine i share with many type-a-high-functioning multiples.  the shit has to go somewhere.  if you don’t claim it it’ll just go on whoever is nearby.  that’s how we do it and have done it.

i don’t know.  we’re just trying to open ourselves and listen.  somehow i imagine m*riad laughing at that, like thinking we are stupid.  what is that?  what is getting triggered that i think that?  that i see them as so functional that they wouldn’t even respect my getting in touch with my emotions?  that i see them as that far from theirs?  or just that i think they hold me and my processing in that much contempt, i guess.  or that it makes them angry.  i don’t know.  cuz it’s too close to things.  that’s probably mom stuff triggered.  she certainly doesn’t want me exploring stuff.

i got an email from a*ron that was, that was very similar to my own style (i realized later with help).  it was incredibly touching and after reading it and honestly since i have felt like i am crazy to think he’d do anything.  that i am still allowed to protect myself to *feel* safe and on others advice, but that it isn’t true at all.  which is just, i don’t know, interesting i guess.  i just realized that since i’ve read it i really haven’t been able to beleive it’s actually possible that he’d try to trance us or just try to get younger parts to sleep with him.  though some parts say it and show us other things but it is different like the writing.

but i was thinking about my mom’s emails.  and how she has adapted her style to just say she loves me and supports what i’m doing.  and how convinced i am by that.  and how such small and subtle comments and phrasses can lead me without even knowing it to her way of thinking.  and i have to say, if a*ron is doing that, then seriously my hat is off to him.  we are really impressed.  particularly our dark parts.  (smiles).  it’s sophisticated stuff.  just, not many people can really fool us even when we’re looking who aren’t in our family.  wow.  it’s.  wow (smiles like pam in the office episode where she’s impressed by jim).  seriously it would make him a lot cooler and more impressive in our minds.  a lot.

there are channels in that i am only beginning to see.  i think my mom swam them or helped create them and i think we can’t even see them when we are looking right at them.  even knowing that after reading it i basically believed there was no way he’d ever do anything and that he was just a hurt boy who felt alone and was doing his best.  and i guess the thing is that IS true, but there are a lot of parts of him.  it IS true, but possibly only for that part.

he can just, he can play (smiles) it like a piano.  he can access other parts of himself when it’s convenient.  he is almost undetectable.  he is adaptable.  he is amazingly skilled.  he is impressive.

woah.  what is going on?  we feel wierd?  like our face is numb or something in a cloud?  what is going on?

i guess we just keep writing and writing.

i think our greatest weakness may be our basic belief that we are fairly impervious to mind control and are instead actually a threat.  and that we are if anything fascinated by the idea of someone succeesffully doing it on us.  and i just wonder.  i wonder if that works right into their hands.  some things can be so subtle that look like just another cobblestone on the street and you don’t think anything when you trip.

some of us think it is hilarious that anyone thinks we would judge a*ron

(laughs)  why?  cuz his “bad” parts have been detected and done “tangibly wrong” things?  that’s fucking luck, people.  that is fucking. luck.

what?  does m*riad think we make these ideas out of thin air?  that we just *guess* at how he might be thinking as a sweet little innocent victim?

we know because we have those parts too.  we do.  and whether we are ever discovered to be doing or have done anything “bad” is just luck of the draw my friend.  it is just luck of the draw.

like we would judge them.  some of us *envy* them because they get to actually go out and *do* the stuff they want.  so there you go.  (laughs) like we could judge a*ron.

we can only imagine what he might be capable of by imagining what we might be under similar circumstances.   it is not judgment.  god, it is nothing like judgment.  or hate.  it is the sad understanding of someone who really doesn’t want to know anyway.

like we don’t know what it’s like to just *need* something that you cannot really accept that you need.  how reality twists how you get so used to reality twisting that it never looks straight anyway.  to have your life based around never knowing. but doing.  it is different than a denier, though we’ve been that too.  that is knowing and enabling at most.  but knowing and doing.  you have to know it or you don’t.  you either get it or you don’t.

it is funny what parts live in internal worlds and which ones get made external.  like we don’t understand addiction to abuse, to *abusing*, as the only way to make the pain stop.  like we don’t get how that is the only time things are okay and everything else is just screaming pain until you can again.  like we don’t get that.

how could we judge a*ron?  we are just so thankful that we have been luckier than him.  that our breakdown happened the way it did.  god we are so thankful.  it could so easily be us.  don’t you see that?  we all have abusers and it is a matter of them slipping out or not and once they are out all the rules change because then it is just maintenance.  make sure they don’t think too much, don’t see quite what’s goin on.  it’s desperate.  and you can’t know it’s happening.  not for too long at least.

i get closer and closer to these dreams but the steps are so small its infuriating

and if they get out and you get caught you’re bad, and otherwise you’re not.  it sucks.  it sucks for people who’d rather be bad than weak.  bad than pathetic.  abuser than victim because you have to be one that’s just how it is.  and it is addictive.  on both sides.  we have been thinking alot about the differences in the draw, in the relationship to the abuse as abuser and victim.  some of us think we don’t have enough victim experience as adults to know.

we are always one with the abusers.  in the stories, when people talk, we work hard not to show it but that is who we identify with, or at least feel a strong connection.  they are us.  (laughs) there is nothing to judge from here, my friend.

i think it’s a risk a*ron might try to trance me because i think our parts might try something similar in his situation.  once you’re out you’re out.  you are already bad, the dice has been rolled, it’s over.

i think when we hear about abusers we feel this fear of someone who hasn’t been caught yet and is relieved it wasn’t them and scared people are getting closer.

i just, why is it so different when those parts do it outside rather than inside?  i mean not for the victim, externally there is effect on the victim.  but in terms of “badness”, isn’t it just luck?  is there a difference?  our worlds are so mixed anyway how could it even mean anything?

i think abusers have to work hard on maintaining the victim’s mindset, at least that’s how it is for us.  there is a constant worry that they will think too much, figure it out.  you are against thinking, exploring.  detection detection above all else.  because detection means you don’t control the reality anymore, it is subject to other standards.  and i think for  us abuse is all about controling someone else’s reality.  so there is such a need to maintain it maintain it maintain it and you’re biggest fear is they will slip out and you will lose them.  there are so many ways, you have to work hard to maintain the structure, fix leaks plug holes patch drywall anything that needs to be done.

help i’m scared says someone inside

bad or weak.  bad or weak.  we choose bad if we absolutely have to.  i think that’s why we just try to take ourselves out of that equation.

it’s not like we don’t admire a*ron for possibly getting stuff past us.  (smiles), our dark parts want to learn from him.  or at least they are suitably impressed.

like we could hate him for that.  all our hate for it is reserved for ourselves.

i wonder how many people know

what it’s like to be so persuasive that you are never sure whether you are controling people or not until they tell you later.  it’s something we worry about and try to control (ha ha).  it’s just, it’s just breathing.  it’s what we do it’s how we think, in how to convince people, how to sync along with their thoughts and lead them to ours without them necessarily even knowing if necessary.  i wonder if they taught us that.  i don’t think my dad did, but maybe he is very persuasive just irrational.

but it’s like i just see how people are thinking, how they are building their beliefs, what needs to be targeted, what needs to be turned around, how they need to feel about things, how sure they are and how easily led.  without even looking like you’re trying at all, like you’re just asking questions.

it’s like we just know how to get in people’s minds and change their thoughts without them even knowing.  i really believe this.  and i think often we don’t know, or at least most of us.  i mean we know we can do it but we don’t always know we’re doing it.  we just think we’re talking and expressing opinions.  we just build our opinions to look like their thoughts, to look the most persuasive.  but i think particularly on emotional and personal stuff, the stuff you aren’t supposed to be able to argue.  and it scared me that we can do that.  i really don’t want to be bad and i try so hard not to but i worry i always worry.  it is so easy to be bad and not even know.  i can’t help if silver threads trace from my fingers.

but then later people tell you you were mind controling them and you really didn’t mean to.

you had no idea.

i am sad and small and scared

i know i am a bad girl.  i know that for sure.  i know i am bad very bad and scared.  i know things are not safe and not what they appear to be.  i know that no one is safe.  i know that i am not safe.  i know that i don’t know things and i know some of those things may be important.  i know no one cares.  i know i am alone.  i know i am bad and hated.

i think some of us think that m*riad must really hate us.  for various reasons.  because our pleasers are so unsuccessful and actually make things worse.  it is so shameful to write that.  it is so shameful.  for other reasons too. that have to do with a*ron and i can’t quite explain.

maybe i should explain about me and a*ron.  i know a*ron cuz he is m*riads ex who they used to live with up until soon after.  so now they live in our building.  we still see a*ron with m*riads.  um, he does stuff we do not agree with with m*riads and that upsets us.  and we told him.  and he wrote sumthin back thats a secret so can’t say it.  anyways we is tryin help get him to counselor.

but also he is like um on the bus once when wes alone cuz we tries never be he told us this stuff bout how he learned make multiple gotta do this stuff and trance and put im in a freezer til almost die take em out they love you forever want please you never die not a fear thing as much you are a saviour you are the one who takes away the pain and also how put m*riads in and out of trance.  so yeah.  they showed it on us maybe we tranced a little i don’t know.  it was wierd.  we are wierd and people yell we must be making this up.

i think it is tough for us that m*riad can’t be more of a support on this.  like obviously it’s super complicated and that makes sense but i guess it hurts a little for those who can’t get that and they just wish they would protect us.  butt there are so many parts and we are not dating the vast majority of them and they have their own ways of doing things and their own perspectives.  but it hurts still a little that it seems like maybe they aren’t that concerned for us or something.

i don’t know.  i think we wish for protectors.  like we told j*ga and like billie came out and like was like so mad and wanted to kill a*ron.  and it made us kind of happy a littlee, like it makes us smile even now.  and i KNOW we are bad to make comparisons but we do it anyway because we are so bad.

i guess it’s just been hard to realize that m*riad is really no more stable than we are.  or no more in control.  or something.

i don’t know.  some of us want them to be mad and like want to protect us and like take care of us and stuff and we KNOW they can’t cuz they have other stuff going on and this means lots of stuff for them and it is VERY complicated but that is still what we want because we are bad.  we want them to want to protect us and take care of us.

help help help things are so scary so scary.  kathy and i*digos and everyone was sayin a*ron like try hypnotize us or sumthin try get us sleep with him met with him and we wouldn’t even knw.

why don’t they want to protect us?  (little ones inside cry).  we must not be very loveable.  we thought isf we were loveable enough they would want to but it didn’t work.  oh well.  we are bad and in the dark.

we just wanted someone to protect us.

also our body hurts in different places and some of them are bad.  we have been so scared lately.  so scared.  they must hate us.  they must not love us.

i think the thing with a*ron doesn’t so much change how we feel as validate fears we were uncomfortable aming.  like why we won’t ever be alone with him.  except really this time on the bus.

mommy mommy why won’t you protect me?

mommy protects herself.  mommy protects herself cuz she needs it gotta be a good little girl a good little girl and help out help protect her i can do it i can be a good girl a really good girl and i can protect her and i can take daddy and i can be a good girl (smiles)  i can i can be such a good girl take good care fo mommy and daddy i can be such a good girl i can i can i swear a good girl takes care of mommy for being sad and hurt by daddy i can help i can help (smiles bigger and bites lip).  i can be such a good girl i can please let me i can i can make it all better.  this good girl makes it all better, okay?  she makes it all better.  she is a good girl in every way she can so she can make it all better she is such a good girl and she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better she can make it all better (was there a closet in their room?  i call it daddys room in my head)

i know how to be a good little girl i do i make people happy and make it all better.  i can make it all better i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can

shes a good girl isn’t she?  isn’t she?  she’s a good girl now right?  good girl?  she did a good job is a good girl saved mommy so mommy loves her now right?  right?  she did a good job right (eyes wet)?  dicn’t she?   she did such a good job saved mommy helped daddy made mommy all better she was such a good girl she was look at her she was such a good girl she took care of everything.  that’s what a good girl does.  she takes care of everything and i am a good girl right?  i am right?  i did good not bad?  i did good made it better?  for mommy?  i am a good girl who lvoes you and now you love me right?  then mommy holds me and loves me and i am such a good girl (smiles big, eyes wet).  then she loves me so much and i am such a good girl i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better i made it all better please let me make it all better so you can love me mommy?

when will mommy love me?  mommy will love me when i’m a good girl when i take ccare of everything (flash of a corner of dad’s room).  mommy will love me then for being so good such a good girl she is such a good girl she is such a good girl.  mommy doesn’t mean for me to be hurt, she just needs to be protected.  she just needs to be protected.  she doesn’t mean it that way.  she doesn’t mean it.  she just needs help (flash of that hospial that is so light and airy and white with the room with the sunny window and the bed and i was reading a book).  she just needs help that little mommy so she needed me to make it all better like a good girl makes it all better i can be such a good girl i can watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me watch me the good girl gets her face all wet but that just means she as a good girl clean up

she is a bad girl i think a bad girl for not doing ehr job. seh is a bad girl i think for not doing her job and protecting mommy.  she is a bad girl and a bad girl and a bad girl mommy needs her mommy needs her protection she can take it she can do it instead she can do it and be a good girl and make it all better and be a good girl and be good enough and make it all better and then be loved but then not loved so sad tried so hard all dirty face wet but she can’t love us now she hurts too much mommy hurts all the time poor mommy i can make it better with my dripping face i can be such a good willte girl i can protect her and be the best girl in the whole world in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i am the best girl in the whole wide world i amd the best girl in the whoe wide world because i helped mommy and made it better i did i am a bad girl but i did it see (flash of e*a’s old room) i am a little bitch i make it better because i am so good i can make it all better

i am so good i can make it all better (smiles big especially on left side of face).  i am such a bad girl but i can be good and make it all better i can be so good i can do anything and i alway smaek it better for mommy all better so she can rest and sleep and be safe. i take care of her i am a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am such a good girl i am see?  i am such a good girl.  i know i am cuz i di a good job but then when i don’t then i’m a bad girl and mommy won’t love me cuz she gets hurt she needs me to take care of her she does i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can protect her i can protect her i can protect her i can protect her and be a good little girl who is very good so good she is so good look how good she is takes care of everytihing like a good little girl what a good little girl someone should hug her she did such a good job she takes care of eveyrhting what a good little girl mommy loves her so much she is so good so good to mommy so good she makes everything all better what a good litttle girl she makes everything all better what a good little girl she makes everything all better what a good little girl she makes everything all better isn’t she a good girl she is right i know she is if she makes everything all bettter she can be good she can be good to daddy and make it better for mommy she can be a good girl she can be a good girl a good girl a good girl  good girl a good girl (almost remembers a flash of childhood but it slips thoruhg our graasp).  help help help we are so scared we try to be good but we are so scared and even whem we are good we are bad even when we are good we are bad we are worthless watn to die i want to die can we die so we aren’t worthless anymore please can we die and make it better (downstairs in brooklyn).

ahhh.  i’m sorry i can’t just do anymore i just can’t it is too much this pleasing mommy gotta please mommy make her happy so she’ll love us make her happy so she’ll love us make her happy so shell love us take care of her do everything do anything take carre of her protect her be a good girl you bitch be a good girl and help her out just help her out just help her out don’t be selfish she needs you you bitch don’t be selfish you are pointless and bad and horrible and a bitch and i want to die i want to die this is bad i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die

help help help help help help help help help i’m o scared but the only way for people to love you is to be good otherwise stay away stay away stay away just be good and its fine its not that heard its not that hard its not be a good girl its not that hard help mommy she needs it you are a good girl you are be a good girl she is a good girl she is a good girl she is a good girl she is a godo girl she hated me i know she did she resented me and wanted me to be hurt i know she did she needed our help she just needed us

she wanted us dead.  she hated us.  she did.  she looked at us and we saw it how she hated us and wanted us to take her pain.  we saw it.  we did.  and we’d do anything not to see it anymore.

(an odd incredible calmness, or at least relative since the typing had been so frenzied)

seems like a good place to leave it. i’m not rereading it.  hope i’m not bad.

but whatever.

truly, though, i can be quite a good girl. if you lget me.  then you love me and i am so happy and loved and loved and loved so much cuz i was a good girl such a good girl. such a good girl.

s*ef hated me when i didn’t want to sleep with her.  everything changed like lightening then we were bad it was cold and theres shocks sin the air we just wanted it to be nice so she scould lvoe us.

wow, mom really set us up as an easy mark.  i guess that’s why we stay so fucking far away from everyone, huh?  why do we keep typing, this is awwful and i want to stop.  i want to take a break and reward myself for doing so well.  i’ve been sitting the fuck around scared out of my mind trying to think when i can and see wha’ts up and hoping i’d get somewehre so i should be fucking brilliant i should be fucking proud but i’m not i’m’ scared and sad and want my mommy to love me

that’s the thing, tho. she never will.  not me.  only the good girl.  two songs we’ve been playing/watching alot:

creep (cover by brandi carlile, which is so fucking awesoem and gritty and growly)

mexican wrestler – jill sobule

plus the usual

throw it all away by brandi carlile (i love her expressions)

whatever.  everything is wierd and tough and i’m trying to figure it out and listen to peopla dn what the fuck.  i’m smoking like a fucking chimney adn my body hurts and i have eaten littel and i bought this stupid large pizza anyway and now no one wants it and we neeed to order groceries and i can’t leave the apartment or shower or anything.  i don’t know.  things are fucking ough.  i’m jealous of people who can do any kind of tangible functioning.  i am really fucking jealous.  i am such a pathetic loser.  and blah it’s my emergency period but it still fucking sucks.  it fucking sucks to be totally disfunctional you know that.  it just sucks and i am really fucking tired of it but whatever tehere is nothing i can do i want to die i want to die i want to die iw ant ot die i want to die i want to die

mom couldn’t rotect us after we moved, we had to negotiate all our visitation and stuff with him.  i guess there’s no reason to think she could have in brooklyn.  i mean, he was a scary guy and she lived with him and couldn’t even protect herself.  she did the best she could.  she ahd her own apartment place for being sometimes it was filled iwth stuuff and messy and stuff i don’t remember it will.  i need to stop typing this is bullshit i need to stop i can’t do this anything anymore my heart is going to burts why cn’t i stop i can’t do this i am blocking it out with smoek and video right

NOW

  • Categories

  • Pages