Protected: we saw m*riad tonight

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we never play this song

close(d)

and i mean never. it is the only song unchecked in our playlist of our songs (yep, we listen to our own music, but remember, it is often not the creator who is listening, so yeah that’s different somehow).

so just back the fuck off.

i can’t even check the fucking link cuz i can’t hear it for a second.  so let me know if it isn’t work and you care (who the fuck said that little passive-aggressive comment?  sometimes i think we are the most passive-aggressive person we know, but we just think we can masque it)

stupid everything is bad and scared i want to die

okay fuck this this is enough of this

i have been in and out of consciousness all day

mostly out until around 7:30pm i’ve been up since. very triggered. think i’m having one long dream. not good things. not good things at all. started our period yesterday (double bonus for it being xmas!) and things have just. it’s not good here. we do not feel safe. we feel like we could easily be taken advantage of. we do not feel safe. we do not feel safe. we are scared and there are bad things lurking about that we do not want to think about or touch and if we do everything will explode all the glass and it will be everywhere and everything is glass you see everything is glass it is all just glass

it is all just glass

(…)

scared-mommie-final

Protected: important dates and crazy ideas

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plus i’m smoking like a chimney

staying up late but not often able to sleep in. um plus we’ve lost perspective says someone. it hink the snow is triggering which is crazy cuz it meant a snow day which mean ti didn’t have to go to school which was the best thing. but i really didn’t skip. which is odd. btu the snow is triggering i think, feel it in my right shoulder like someone’s holding it tight.
help i’m scared we really can’t handle doing anything and we still have things to do that are important.

plus

i am clearly trying not to deal with stuff since i have been obsessively downloading tv shows and have made my way thru the office (both us and uk), scrubs, most of family guy, and am working my way thru seinfeld now (3 seasons in out of 9). i have cleaned a little. i wrote a song. you know, a lot of things. clearly i am distracting. and i think i am using the m*riad thing too to do that. if i can save them then i don’t have to save myselves.
i think maybe i am actually starting to learn you can’t save anyone but yourself. not just like you shouldn’t or it’s unhealthy, but like you can’t. and i think that is more unbearable than failing because at least then you had a chance.
i am trying to learn and to grow. i think crisis is one of the few times when learning is right in front of you. i don’t know. i want to die. i want to die.
this finger stuff on our right hand (which is, incidentally, our mom’s half of the body we suspect). but whatever. it is all craziness and we are crazy and bad and wrong.
i swear it’s spreading over our hand like a glove or a liquid and up our right arm and it is warm i am crazy and it goes into my shoulder i am crazy i am crazy i am crazy
in crisis there is opportunity to learn in crisis there is opportunity to learn in crisis there is opportunity to learn gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try gotta try
maybe it’s the time of year for distracting and running away from yourself. except e*a. though trying to take care of me is i guess the same thing. i wonder how many people have this problem? maybe just me. yep. i am bad and my fingers are so not tender but like raw almost. everything is pinpricks i see beleevue square the music box store across from … sbarro? we went there with mommy we wet there with mommy we went there with mommy we went there with mommy we went there with mommy it has almost like balconies with the walkways upstairs like in the ballrooms in our dreams in our dreams in our dreams

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