we are so sad

heavy in our heart.  unloved.  ssandbagged and filled with sand. hurt and alone. smoking smoking smoking. scared and sad.  it is funny how we always come back here.  and at this time of year i guess.  because i felt that way with e*in basically all the time after we started actually “dating” vs like just sleeping together which was almost exactly this time.  and the year after that this is pretty much around when she like said we couldn’t be friends anymore and a month after she broke up with me.  i guess in my mind when she made it clear there was no chance for redemption anymore.  always a tough thing.

there is a heaviness then in noing it is over. the finality of something really crushing.  and it was odd but even when we were dating it always felt over or on it’s way. i don’t know i was so crazy with jealousy and like resentment i mean who knows. it was awful.  god.

we hate ourselves and we are just so sad.  i guess it’s the borderliners time of year.  m*riad says we expect them to be perfect, that’s pretty borderline behavior.  everyone hates the borderliners.  maybe we should be nicer to them.  it’s tough though when they keep messing everythng up with everyone and making them feel bad about themselves. (hears the kd lang song outside myself m*riads been listenin to)

i know that part of the problem is that i don’t really see people without m*riad around for the most part and it’s tough because it’s actually really scary for us to be one-on-one with someone we aren’t (consensually) sleeping with.  it just feels really sexually threatening, which is a problem.  so it’s tough because it’s not just couple isolation.  first of all, there is just a lot of isolation.  but it isn’t inertia as much as straight out fucking fear and i have to get a hold on that but it’s big and it involves learning how to set enough boundaries that we can be sure we’ll be safe even if the other person pushes and that’s a slow process.  but i know that gives us tunnel vision and myopia and blows things out of proportion and makes it so they represent a disproportionate amount of emotional tangibility in our life.  what the fuck?  okay we wrote it but we don’t know what it means.  or if it’s right or makes sense.  (continues to hear song)

kathy said to call if we need to see her before tuesday.  we really swore we wouldn’t (to ourselves), but are thinking about it cuz we are having such a tough time.  but i mean so what like we aren’t like in such crisis that it’s unbarable so why would we call.  i mean are we even in crisis at all?  if you are always in crisis, are you ever in crisis?  i don’t know.  it’s manageable.  it’s fine.  i mean, it isn’t but like i don’t need special attention at all.  at all.  tho it says a lot that we’d even consider it.

i guess i’ll see how i feel after group.  okay i need to calm down it’s fine i could never show up just cuz i’m in crisis i couldn’t ever be that close to the surface i have smoke and isolation i’m fine.

i am really scareded and sad.  i think it might be a time of year thing.

okay so m*riad made an interesting point

cuz like we realized we was maybe triggered or somethinand wes ated a candy and 2 potato chips tonight feelin sick maybe oops we’s just tryin help form the pain stop it hurtin wes tryin run helphelp

on another note, omigod i have decided that saying “it would be better if you did such-and-such” has about the function and helpfullness of saying “it would be better if you hadn’t been abused”  so put THAT in your pipe and smoke it

we are so bad.  nymph wrote this cool imrpressive smart stuff and we didn’t say how smart then m*raid said it fore we could but WE THOUGHTED IT ALREADY and we hate not identifin smart stuff bfore other people  cuz nymph all totlly explained logic or like how you can only be sure of the people who like have a use for you.  it was very smart.  we are stupid and wish we were smart and cool like nymph she is all like says what she thinks like even tho it is totally unpopular with the system and like society (say bigs) and stuff we say everyone.  oh we is so bad we is so bad.  we is so bad.  want die.  want die want die want die want die want die want die.

m*riad think maybe should password whole journal but we don’t know tho now we say it get real scared so maybe shouldshould maybe we isn’t listenin.

but ANYWAYS they said write about what you is scared happen no matter what.

sometimes i think people add tags for things they are thinking about but can’t say and that is all they can say and i’ve decided that’s valid and also we just got super cold so we must be pretty scared

and we had a flash to go change our tags to be easier to get to and really wanted to do that and i think that might be a distraction method by someone.  it was really crazy when we tried to change our password yesterday and got all foggy couldn’t remember what happened how to do it couldn’t figure it out and m*riad had to.  that was odd.  that was odd.

and yet we still have not done what we set out to do in this post: which is to write specifically about our fears.  god other people are going ONJ about the punctuation in that last sentence but fuck them oh we are so cold so cold so cold why why why

what is we scared alone scared  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone  don’t want be alone not loved alone not loved alone not loved don’t want that too scary please too scare pl-ease

bad girrl she is a bad girl she is she is i know it i know it i kow it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it i know it

worthless bitch i know she is a worthless bitch i know it okay so shut up i know it i know it so shut up don’t tell me i know it please don’t say it i know it please don’t tell me i’m bad i know it please don’t sya i know i t i hurt myself see you don’t have to i hurt myself so you don’t have to see?  see?  so you don’t hae to okay?  maybe then you don’t have to.

i can be good and i can hurt myself see?  so you don’t have to see so you don’t have to see so you don’t have to see so you don’t have to do it i do it so you can be happy and love me maybe if i hurt myself maybe you will love me again because i need that to happen please i hurt myself then i don’t lose you and you don’t have to okay? (strong pain in right upper forearm near shoulder, almost like when you’ve gotten a tetnis shot)

i am bitch i know it but maybe i hurt myself you love me again maybe? see i try make you happy see then you love me maybe maybe maybe okay? i try real hard do a real good job and then you love me maybe maybe please

that would be nice than you love me maybe and love me maybe and love me maybe and i’m good you love me maybe i can hurt myself again you love me even *more*

okay?  please let me do that so you can love me  i don’t understand why you don’t and won’t let me i just want to make you happy so you will love me i don’t understand why not and why i am so bad  why not hurt me make you love me please  why not you let me do it why not so you can love me why not you don’t want to love me why not i can’t be ba d girl i can’t sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i be good i will i will i will i will i will i will i will i can be so good so good just give me a chance

if you give me a chance i can be so good make you so happy make you so happy make you so happy why don’t why won’t let us why won’t let ys won’t love us you don’t you don’t don’t let us make you happy we is so bad why is you no t let us bee good make you happy we can be so good we can be so good we can be so good we can be so good we can be so good  we can be so good  we can be so good  we can be so good  we can be so good we can be so coog if you have no idea if you just let us be good we can be so good we can we can if you let us and then you love us why not you don’t want to lvoe us you don’t you don’t lvoe us i know cuz you won’t let us mak e you happy so you don’t i know it i know it i am so bad i am a bad girl

these are bad thing s scary things but say feel too real not say but we is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad we is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad

i can be good girl so excited so good make you so happy you  have no idea you dont have to do anything i can make you so happy i am so good i am so good i am so good if you give me a chance i am a courtesan i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good i am so good

i really can be such a good girl if you give me a change i mean chance i can be good girl or good boy i can be good anything really i can be so good give me the cahnce i can make you so happy i promise i swear i promise i can i can i can i can i can why don’t you let me why not why don’t why dnot you don’t love me i guess

i guess you don’t i guess you don’t i guess you don’t i guess you don’t i know you don’t i know it i know it cuz if you love me you let me make you happy so you can actually really love me or something wait hmmmm

not make sense already love me not make sense except from amde you happy before maybe but that wear off can’t be other that not make sense that is wierd arresting can’t don’t like think why think that why say that why be good girl bad girl i am so bad omigoodnes i cam so bad i should die okay i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i need to die i neef to die

i know i am saying bad things and beign bad i know cuz i feel it so strong so scared i know this must be bad very bad i must be very selfish and very bad i must be i am sorry i am sorry i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die i know i am bad i want to die\

why can’t make happy why can’t be good why can’t so stop feelin so scared and alone and sad forver why can’t let make better why i don’t understand why that hurts us i don’t understand we must just be too bad to deserve it not good enough not good enough not good enough not godo enough not good enough not good enough not good enough not goo d enough i want to die please i want to die if i’m not good enough i want to die i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am i know i am

i want to die i do i do i need to die forever now this is too much this is awful this is nothing there is nothing i want to die there is nothing i want to die there is nothing there is nothing there is only one familiar i want tod ie i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die

i want to die faker copycat manipulater showoff lier conceited bitch

i know i am bad please don’t tell me i know it and i am happy to hurt myself really just tell me i will i’ll make it better please just tell me i can i can make it better just give me a chance i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can i can

help i need to die i know i am being bad i feel like my skin is exploding i feel like i am too restless to be i want to die this is awful i want to die i want to die help help help help help help help help

andrea

so andrea came out yesterday.  or someone.  someone assertive and “prickly” as aeron described it.  someone who freaked m*riad out because they seemed angry.  i guess i just think of them as brusque and sarcastic and don’t take any shit and can handle things and be assertive.

it’s funny, tho, cuz she/they felt very frustrated that myriad saw them as so much of a threat.  they really don’t know any other way to be.  and they wanted m*riad to like them.

i guess that is kind of like the dream where i am sad and hurt and angry and want people to love me even when i’m angry and hurt.  i don’t know.  she got really frustrated and kept being like “shit” because every thing she said upset m*riad and made them sad and think we hated them and she was like “IM JUST TRYING TO INTERACT WITH YOU!!!  IM SORRY IM NOT SWEET AND CUTE LIKE THE KIDS OR CRYING LIKE A BABY FUCK YOU!!” in her head of course.

but it sucked cuz m*riad admitted they didn’t like her (at least as much as the kids) and was so happy and relieved when the kids came out a bit and i guess it sucked a little because she/we felt like she/we wasn’t good enough or something.

like it’s not fair that just because i don’t do the sweet vulnerable people-pleaser bullshit that people don’t like me.  it isn’t fucking fair.  and obviously i’m fucking hurting or someone is that’s why i’m here, you know?  but i just can’t show it that way.  i’m sorry, i just can’t be the person you want me to be.

you know, she likes to socialize too.  even tho she freaks people out by being brusque and stuff.  but if she’s full force at least she doesn’t get embarrassed.

after a while i just shut up because i was sick of upsetting them.  i just couldn’t fucking take it.  i was trying to be fucking NICE you have no idea.  i wasn’t even goinga round saying angry things goddammit.

it’s because i don’t sound like a sweet little freakin girl is why.  what bullshit.  nobody fucking likes me.  and i don’t fucking care anyway.  i don’t fucking care.  and i’m not going to be nice to make people like me.

whatever it’s fine if they don’t like us we don’t like them.  that’s the end of that.  i cannot fucking stand it (flash of barb’s living room)

help die gonna die gonna die

everybody loves the kids.  everybody loves us to be vulnerable.  yeah, it’s good for YOU but we’re fucked then.  so excuse me if i decide to go another direction.

also our fucking neck hurts like fucking crazy and it’s giving us a headache goddammit

it’s so easy to like the nice ones.  it is so fucking easy.