what we did today

– took out the trash for the first time in probably over a week

– did the laundry for the first time in over 2 weeks and i think it might be 3 or 4.

we are thinking about taking a shower to complete the trifecta of cleanliness.

we are clearly avoiding *something* here.

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someone is very upset and keeps yelling

helphelphelp i’m going to commit suicide helphelphelp i’m going to commit suicide

so that’s happening.  i assume the mania is a side-effect/biproduct/distraction of/from something horrible underneath because now our whole body is tensing freaking out tensing freaking out help help help help

i was thinking

if i had a relationship with someone who hurt me, and some/most/all of the time i wanted them to or i didn’t want them not to or it was all just too mixed up, but i also knew/suspected it hurt me in a lot of other ways, i’d be really invested in not ever accepting that they were actually dangerous and a threat.  because if i did, i might feel like then it was suddenly my choice to have these things happen.  and it is SO MUCH more scary then because then it would be like i was making bad decisions.

and i could see how i might get the freedom from making any choices from this person.  of not having to be responsible at all for anything that happens to me. for me, when something bad happens to me, i always need to know it wasn’t my fault and i wasn’t bad.  but if it’s out of my control, then it’s like okay, there’s nothing i could do.

and i guess i think it would be really hard to give that up.  to give up the lack of choice.  because that feels so much safer somehow.  it is so scary to not have someone deciding things for you.  how are you supposed to know what to do?

i guess even admitting this person was a constant threat and that i was likely to be hurt whenever i saw him would make it so i was choosing to get hurt.  and part of the whole thing that makes it worthwhile is that it isn’t my choice i don’t have to make any choices.

making choices is really scary.  choosing to protect yourself is really scary.  not to mention that you give up so much in your relationship with the person because of course it’s all mixed up.  you give up the times when they make decisions for you and take care of you and it’s actually just nice.  you give it all up.  all the safety.  and that is really scary.

even tho s*ef scared the hell out of some of us and made us feel sexually threatened all the time (not of her own doing, of course), we were really upset when she broke up with us.  we didn’t know what we would do without her.  it was oppressive to have her, but it was also safe because she was always there.  i don’t know, we dind’t have to think as much.  the familiar danger is always better than the unfamiliar.  without the person it’s like you don’t have an anchor.  like freedom of choice leaves you flying and floating around without a center, like no gravity, like falling.

i don’t know.  there is something about not having any choice, any responsibility.  it’s its own heady feeling.

and i was thinking that if you had been set up over and over and over and over and over to fail when you made your own decisions, when you did things on your own.  taught over and over that the ONLY safety is in giving up your will.  that your decisions, and ideas, and self hurt you and others.  how could you ever give up the safety?  if you’d been taught that without being in someone else’s control you would die or fail or dissappear?

if you were held responsible for your own choices, and punished severely and taunted and hurt.  if having your own will was the worst and most painful thing.  how could you choose it?

i don’t know, that’s how i’d feel.

a good day

so we heard someone singing this line in our head so we tried to make it happen on the guitar. we’ve been talking with m*riad about how we write music and i think often we here a few lines sung in our head and then play and improvise a while. usually more than once. but it made me wonder, doesn’t everyone here new music composed in their head all the time? rock, acoustic, punk, musical-type, sung by one or many, with an orchestra sometimes? i don’t know, i thought that happened with everyone. some of us suspest that music may be like tied in with our programming (if we have any) or abuse or whatever and wonder if the songs we “make up” are somehow just from that or products of that. which wouldn’t make them bad, it would make them MORE cool. right? totally cool.

good day (the 1m20s “finished product”)

the making of good day (~12 minutes of improvising)

the finished product is actually edited out of the bigger file, i just took the stuff i liked best and put it together. i do this a lot because one part writes a song and we don’t really know it and so if we record them andf all they’re playing then even if we don’t remember we can edit together a song or the begining of one. we actually use soundtrack much more than finalcut, but they came together {that’s what he said} so it’s all good. who used the curlies there?

it’s actually pretty reppettetive, but we kind of have to keep singing the same thing til we can get to the right place and another line.  this song is actually just one line, tho, so it’s an especially odd example of this.  previous stuff we’ve posted is probably more accurate.  it’s scary stuff, tho, cuz i think it’s how stuff gets around our censors.

we have been manic

we made this, which involved downloading and installing 2 pieces of software, using one to turn each picture into a pencil sketch, then the other to extract my figure from the background, then putting them all together. yeah, we’ve been pretty manic.

oh, and then of course reworking and editing to make it “better” as each part came out and pruned more.

we have been seriously manic the last few days or at least today and yesterday.  only sometimes, but still.

edges-collage

another-try-at-edges

edges-clustered

edges-clustered-trimming

the pleaser’s song

it goees against the pleaser’s very nature to write a song about being pleasers.  it’s hard for them to post here, and i’m not sure they could sing it in front of anyone.

we REALLY LIKE our new header

that’s what sucks about rss feeds, the posts are decontextualized from the web page.  in ours we can click it special and see it but i wish it was like that automatically cuz we don’t know how exactly and we feel stupid

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