sad at you

we were talking to m*riad’s littles and they said they felt like they’d never be good enough for us because we were always upset with them so it was never safe and how it made them so sad.  and i just listened, and tried to explain, and took it all in because this was gospel.  this was sadness, sad *kids*.  i don’t know, we didn’t even get it at first but like we were getting sadder and sadder and we realized more and more how much we hurt them and how sad we made them. and how bad we are.  but it is almost a different kind of bad.  it is the bad for causing sadness..

m*riad said they were inward focused and we’d maybe never dated someone like that inward DIRECTED i mean.  and so we is bad.  we must be more outward directed.  i think that is the bad one.

i don’t know, it was just that slow dawning of realizing that yet again, we are the cause of someone’s suffering and for someone feeling that they are *bad* or not good enough (funny i’d never thought about the good/bad commonality between those before wierd).

i don’t know.  we are just, we are just a destructive force.  it’s kind of part of who and what we are.  we aren’t all inwardly focused and our hurt comes out as anger and hurts people.  we are just, we are always scary and a bit of a monster.  we are always angry, we blow up out of nowhere.  we are scary.  e*a, e*in, s*ef all told us this.  e*a was the first person to tell us when we were maybe i don’t know i would guess 10 or 11 that she was scared of us when we were angry and we were physically threatening and grabbed her arm and stuff and just very aggressive and scary.  i don’t know.  i know it’s in me.

i mean i guess i just head myself saying that i just had too high expectations and that they couldn’t meet that and i have to work on that and knowing that i am unequivocally bad.  that i am doing something really wrong that hurts them.  that it is my fault and my respponsability.

i mean really i was just feeling how sad they were at first and then as we talked it dawned more an dmore on us how much this was our fault.  how much we were hurting them by expecting them to react perfectly when we’re triggered and  getting angry or resentful or upset or mistrustful when they don’t.  it is the monster, it is the dragon with braids and long teeth and the braids wave in the air and the wind blows fast and there is light and motion.

but well, it is just very us to have a consistent pattern of hurting someone with out anger.  it’s the reason why, in the end, we can never be unequivocally not bad.  it is that we do wrong things that are definitely wrong and hurt people and make them sad.

i don’t know, there is a specific feeling you get from watching/feeling suffering that you have caused with your selfishness and impossible demands.  we are never good.  there is just, there is the punishment of seeing the hurt you have caused and can’t take back.  it is such a familiar feeeling that my chest is almost heavy with it.

i think that feeling should be my feeling.  it should be named after me.  it should be formed in my image and rolled in my dust and dropped from my rooftop.

there is always the hurt i have caused with my sadness and my selfishness.  i hurt mom alot before i finally got better and stopped being selfish and started caring about her and what was going on with her and helping tho sometimes i was still a bitch and so mena and a brat and a bad girl.

she just got so sad.  so sad.  so sad.  i guess that’s what the throw it all away song is about for us is like she’d throw it all away but it wouldn’t make it better.  there is the suffering that you have caused.  there is always the suffering that you have  caused that was in yur name.

to know that you are the danger, that you are the problem, the unsafety, the threat.  it is a heady feeling says someone.  it is surely a unique one.  in some ways it feels like when everything goes quiet when a plane takes off.  it is just, oh you are back here again.  there is no denying it. it is just who you are.  you are the causer of sadness, of suffering.  you are the break and the breaker and broken.  you are the stars and the moon and the sea and the sun and the wild and the dark and the night and they sky and the heart and the tremble and the trumpet and the seen…  you are everything and you are responsible for everything.

it is always surprising to find out that we wielded power we didn’t even know we had, that we were a giant who unthinkingly crushed a village swinging their hand around or running it over the grass.

i don’t know, we are just always the evil princess.  and e*a is the good princess and mom is the wicked step-mother and dad is the dad and greandmommy is the wicked fairy godmother.  we are bad and worthless.


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