some of us think it is hilarious that anyone thinks we would judge a*ron

(laughs)  why?  cuz his “bad” parts have been detected and done “tangibly wrong” things?  that’s fucking luck, people.  that is fucking. luck.

what?  does m*riad think we make these ideas out of thin air?  that we just *guess* at how he might be thinking as a sweet little innocent victim?

we know because we have those parts too.  we do.  and whether we are ever discovered to be doing or have done anything “bad” is just luck of the draw my friend.  it is just luck of the draw.

like we would judge them.  some of us *envy* them because they get to actually go out and *do* the stuff they want.  so there you go.  (laughs) like we could judge a*ron.

we can only imagine what he might be capable of by imagining what we might be under similar circumstances.   it is not judgment.  god, it is nothing like judgment.  or hate.  it is the sad understanding of someone who really doesn’t want to know anyway.

like we don’t know what it’s like to just *need* something that you cannot really accept that you need.  how reality twists how you get so used to reality twisting that it never looks straight anyway.  to have your life based around never knowing. but doing.  it is different than a denier, though we’ve been that too.  that is knowing and enabling at most.  but knowing and doing.  you have to know it or you don’t.  you either get it or you don’t.

it is funny what parts live in internal worlds and which ones get made external.  like we don’t understand addiction to abuse, to *abusing*, as the only way to make the pain stop.  like we don’t get how that is the only time things are okay and everything else is just screaming pain until you can again.  like we don’t get that.

how could we judge a*ron?  we are just so thankful that we have been luckier than him.  that our breakdown happened the way it did.  god we are so thankful.  it could so easily be us.  don’t you see that?  we all have abusers and it is a matter of them slipping out or not and once they are out all the rules change because then it is just maintenance.  make sure they don’t think too much, don’t see quite what’s goin on.  it’s desperate.  and you can’t know it’s happening.  not for too long at least.

i get closer and closer to these dreams but the steps are so small its infuriating

and if they get out and you get caught you’re bad, and otherwise you’re not.  it sucks.  it sucks for people who’d rather be bad than weak.  bad than pathetic.  abuser than victim because you have to be one that’s just how it is.  and it is addictive.  on both sides.  we have been thinking alot about the differences in the draw, in the relationship to the abuse as abuser and victim.  some of us think we don’t have enough victim experience as adults to know.

we are always one with the abusers.  in the stories, when people talk, we work hard not to show it but that is who we identify with, or at least feel a strong connection.  they are us.  (laughs) there is nothing to judge from here, my friend.

i think it’s a risk a*ron might try to trance me because i think our parts might try something similar in his situation.  once you’re out you’re out.  you are already bad, the dice has been rolled, it’s over.

i think when we hear about abusers we feel this fear of someone who hasn’t been caught yet and is relieved it wasn’t them and scared people are getting closer.

i just, why is it so different when those parts do it outside rather than inside?  i mean not for the victim, externally there is effect on the victim.  but in terms of “badness”, isn’t it just luck?  is there a difference?  our worlds are so mixed anyway how could it even mean anything?

i think abusers have to work hard on maintaining the victim’s mindset, at least that’s how it is for us.  there is a constant worry that they will think too much, figure it out.  you are against thinking, exploring.  detection detection above all else.  because detection means you don’t control the reality anymore, it is subject to other standards.  and i think for  us abuse is all about controling someone else’s reality.  so there is such a need to maintain it maintain it maintain it and you’re biggest fear is they will slip out and you will lose them.  there are so many ways, you have to work hard to maintain the structure, fix leaks plug holes patch drywall anything that needs to be done.

help i’m scared says someone inside

bad or weak.  bad or weak.  we choose bad if we absolutely have to.  i think that’s why we just try to take ourselves out of that equation.

it’s not like we don’t admire a*ron for possibly getting stuff past us.  (smiles), our dark parts want to learn from him.  or at least they are suitably impressed.

like we could hate him for that.  all our hate for it is reserved for ourselves.


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