sometimes i think my mom just tried to build in safeties

like she made us petrified of death, made it clear that it would kill her if we died, and basically i think tried to hardwire us against killing ourselves.

and i think she did the same thing with cutting or self-abuse.  we are petrified of marring our skin with a scar.  like we can’t do that, it would make us imperfect.  we can’t  it is important to have smooth skin it is important to be like nothing ever happened.

that is a big thing with e*a and me, like we have to make up for something we lose because you can’t ever have permanent damage.  you can’t.  that’s too much.  if it balances out it’s like it never happened.  so you gotta say when something happens why it was a good thing or ssomething or somthin good came out of it so you didn’t lose anything.

anyway, that is i’m pretty sure the only thing keeping me from cutting.  t’s so wierd, this cutting stuff is coming our of left field it was never an issue we never even got close.  but i think it has to do with something like another’s pain, like not being able to save them, ike not being able to save e*a.

at the same time maybe if i becoem a cutter the cool kids will finally let me sit at their table in group.  panda.

this is just odd i don’t understand how that could be changing for us it seemed so fundamental.  we hate blood and can’t handle cuts.  but then again we had no problems getting shots and our blood drawn and i guess it’s all on who’se out.

help help help says someone

once e*a called me from new york and she was scared dad had caught her oon his laptop or something or found something in her stuff and she didn’t even know if he was listening on the line and i was going INSANE and there was nothing i could do.

i didn’t cut then.  but i want to cut now.  what changed?

who am i kidding?  there is no way i would want to cut.  tht would hurt WAY too much and be horrible and i’d freak out what was i saying that is ridiculous.

i don’t know who is adding these tags, some of them don’t seem applicable but whatever.

ah, i see, i can’t imagine cutting the left arm but i almost can the right.  wird wierd.

what am i saying?  i would never cut.  i am ridiculous.

i am a complete idiot and i am scared and sad. whenevr i think of the worst torture it is always having to watch eva or mom hurt and not being able to stop it.

i’m slightly unnerved by the dimness and heaviness in my head and disorientation.  it makes me feel awful and scared een tho there isno one here too take advantage of  me anyway so what am i worried about it doesn’t make sense

i swear i am getting close with the dreams.  cricling birds.  circling birds.


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