i don’t know what to do

we spend the day with m*riad today.  it was cool we were like pretty functional and could do things for them and it was so wierd because they said they didn’t see us as the take care of people when they’re sick type and i just realized how long i’ve been without that ability for the most part and it’s insane because that used to be SO me.  i was the take care of people person.  or one of them.  anyway, it was nice to be able to do that.  to spend tme with myriad littles and talk to them and hold them a little.  we miss that kind of connection.   i don’t even know what that means.  but it’s kind of a connection that comes from someone letting you take care of them or just care about them and accept some of it.  but like it’s more than that.  i guess it’s being together enough to be able to do it.

wow we used to be so like that.  i guess that’s how we burned out.  but today we didn’t feel like we overextended ourselves, we even said when we wanted to watch a different show.  i don’t know.  it was nice to be able to take care of and spend time with them and their littles.  i don’t know.  we love them  very much.  whatever, we are stupid.  but sometimes we got to hold them and even be there when theys scared.  i don’t know we are stupid but it was nice.

i guess it’s a certain kind of something of love or caring that i would NOT say is maternal, but might be mistaken for it.  like someone lets you hold them up a little.  i don’t know there are just so many ways of connecting and this was really nice.  blah we are stupid.

and like at no point did we feel like we needed to go or like we had to stay.  maybe that’s part of why we could do it, we don’t feel that pressure.  i don’t know we are bad.

maybe it was just nice to get to spend that much time with their littles, especially hurting and scared ones.  and take care of them a little.  and be there with them.  i don’t know i just, i like doing that.

i hope that doesn’t make me bad.  (others are so pissed we pu tthat there they said it’s bullshit and we shouldn’t apologize so much it makes us look weak to show that we worry if we are bad, and it gives people the ability to decide so they say fuck that and fuck you for judging me).

sighs, too many cooks…


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