so andrea came out yesterday.  or someone.  someone assertive and “prickly” as aeron described it.  someone who freaked m*riad out because they seemed angry.  i guess i just think of them as brusque and sarcastic and don’t take any shit and can handle things and be assertive.

it’s funny, tho, cuz she/they felt very frustrated that myriad saw them as so much of a threat.  they really don’t know any other way to be.  and they wanted m*riad to like them.

i guess that is kind of like the dream where i am sad and hurt and angry and want people to love me even when i’m angry and hurt.  i don’t know.  she got really frustrated and kept being like “shit” because every thing she said upset m*riad and made them sad and think we hated them and she was like “IM JUST TRYING TO INTERACT WITH YOU!!!  IM SORRY IM NOT SWEET AND CUTE LIKE THE KIDS OR CRYING LIKE A BABY FUCK YOU!!” in her head of course.

but it sucked cuz m*riad admitted they didn’t like her (at least as much as the kids) and was so happy and relieved when the kids came out a bit and i guess it sucked a little because she/we felt like she/we wasn’t good enough or something.

like it’s not fair that just because i don’t do the sweet vulnerable people-pleaser bullshit that people don’t like me.  it isn’t fucking fair.  and obviously i’m fucking hurting or someone is that’s why i’m here, you know?  but i just can’t show it that way.  i’m sorry, i just can’t be the person you want me to be.

you know, she likes to socialize too.  even tho she freaks people out by being brusque and stuff.  but if she’s full force at least she doesn’t get embarrassed.

after a while i just shut up because i was sick of upsetting them.  i just couldn’t fucking take it.  i was trying to be fucking NICE you have no idea.  i wasn’t even goinga round saying angry things goddammit.

it’s because i don’t sound like a sweet little freakin girl is why.  what bullshit.  nobody fucking likes me.  and i don’t fucking care anyway.  i don’t fucking care.  and i’m not going to be nice to make people like me.

whatever it’s fine if they don’t like us we don’t like them.  that’s the end of that.  i cannot fucking stand it (flash of barb’s living room)

help die gonna die gonna die

everybody loves the kids.  everybody loves us to be vulnerable.  yeah, it’s good for YOU but we’re fucked then.  so excuse me if i decide to go another direction.

also our fucking neck hurts like fucking crazy and it’s giving us a headache goddammit

it’s so easy to like the nice ones.  it is so fucking easy.


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