we are so sad

heavy in our heart.  unloved.  ssandbagged and filled with sand. hurt and alone. smoking smoking smoking. scared and sad.  it is funny how we always come back here.  and at this time of year i guess.  because i felt that way with e*in basically all the time after we started actually “dating” vs like just sleeping together which was almost exactly this time.  and the year after that this is pretty much around when she like said we couldn’t be friends anymore and a month after she broke up with me.  i guess in my mind when she made it clear there was no chance for redemption anymore.  always a tough thing.

there is a heaviness then in noing it is over. the finality of something really crushing.  and it was odd but even when we were dating it always felt over or on it’s way. i don’t know i was so crazy with jealousy and like resentment i mean who knows. it was awful.  god.

we hate ourselves and we are just so sad.  i guess it’s the borderliners time of year.  m*riad says we expect them to be perfect, that’s pretty borderline behavior.  everyone hates the borderliners.  maybe we should be nicer to them.  it’s tough though when they keep messing everythng up with everyone and making them feel bad about themselves. (hears the kd lang song outside myself m*riads been listenin to)

i know that part of the problem is that i don’t really see people without m*riad around for the most part and it’s tough because it’s actually really scary for us to be one-on-one with someone we aren’t (consensually) sleeping with.  it just feels really sexually threatening, which is a problem.  so it’s tough because it’s not just couple isolation.  first of all, there is just a lot of isolation.  but it isn’t inertia as much as straight out fucking fear and i have to get a hold on that but it’s big and it involves learning how to set enough boundaries that we can be sure we’ll be safe even if the other person pushes and that’s a slow process.  but i know that gives us tunnel vision and myopia and blows things out of proportion and makes it so they represent a disproportionate amount of emotional tangibility in our life.  what the fuck?  okay we wrote it but we don’t know what it means.  or if it’s right or makes sense.  (continues to hear song)

kathy said to call if we need to see her before tuesday.  we really swore we wouldn’t (to ourselves), but are thinking about it cuz we are having such a tough time.  but i mean so what like we aren’t like in such crisis that it’s unbarable so why would we call.  i mean are we even in crisis at all?  if you are always in crisis, are you ever in crisis?  i don’t know.  it’s manageable.  it’s fine.  i mean, it isn’t but like i don’t need special attention at all.  at all.  tho it says a lot that we’d even consider it.

i guess i’ll see how i feel after group.  okay i need to calm down it’s fine i could never show up just cuz i’m in crisis i couldn’t ever be that close to the surface i have smoke and isolation i’m fine.

i am really scareded and sad.  i think it might be a time of year thing.

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