someone almost cried as we played the end of this for kathy yesterday

it’s our secret favorite i think. but i am pretty sure it is in no waay one of our best.  anyway we got wierd playing it today again.  we’re playing through all our songs.  we are crazy missed meds all left at m*riads went there they not there at a*rons got a little triggered but shouldnt called found our own meds tryin wake up not feel so drugged snd crazy and takn advantage of (who wrote that?) help help help says someone but who things are wierd not real have things do but can’t be do anything just so hazy from no drugs cept smoke hope it kicks in people enjoy playin but play fas thtings are odd and bad and scary but dont know why and it doesnt seem that bad here on the outside but who knows what is going on in the pits.

oops

things are cold now wierd now there is nothing to hold on to. i think we are a little bit jealous of m*riad cuz they still have someone to hold on to, i mean it’s all unhealthy but like we mss that and we’ve been twisting in the wind for so long. they talk aboout it like we like are in this distinctly earlier place in our healing and so we have all this time to languish but sometimes i think that things are more complex than that and that we are in different places on different things and maybe it is not so clearly one behind the other. and i guess that is why we get triggered a bit when they like talk about how they can’t take time off because like we don’t feel like we have any more time luxery than they do and we *have* to take time off and it’s not fair and we get jealous that they have the option of functionality (partial or not).
there are just things they have we lost a while ago. someone who loves them so they are never alone. like they didn’t jjust give up on their grades like we did at the beginning of college. like in some ways it feels like there are lots of ways to breakdown and ours is the most obvious but like i don’t think things are that clear. and it’s tough for us to be broken down and hear someone talk about how unacceptable it is to them to be that way. cuz it’s unacceptable to US TOO we just don’t have a choice! so some of us get mad. like it’s not fair. we’re so sick of being the fucking dysfunctional one. every. fucking. time. i guess that’s just what we do. so we have to shine in a lot of other ways to make up for it and now they’re writing songs that are great and it’s like no you can’t do that you are going to SCHOOL and working towards a career you want to be in you can’t tkae this this is like the only tangible thing we have! and we get jealous and angry.
we can’t even think about havign someone to save you from the abyss because we will die for not having one. we will die. how can you give that up? we only did because we were so triggered by s*ef we literally couldn’t be around her without being in absolute terror. but like we miss it like crazy. it SUCKS to be alone. sucks sucks sucks to make your own decisions and not have anyone’s favor to curry and know that that’s all you need to do to be okay. god we miss that. we are definitely jealous. i mean i know others say i t isn’t worht it and whatever but like we still miss it and we’re jealous they have it. who fucking wants the abyss we don’t?
i want to die and my body hurts and i’m crazy and hazy can’t think need to sotp things are har di want to die i want to die.

plus i swear to god i am having the same dream over and over and it’s a theater i think the one at fr and there’s like a show and also i’m in the audience and i need to do a part of seomthing there ‘s a a tsest i don’t kwnow it ha[peens again adn again and someddya i’ll knwo it i wail

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