i was thinking

if i had a relationship with someone who hurt me, and some/most/all of the time i wanted them to or i didn’t want them not to or it was all just too mixed up, but i also knew/suspected it hurt me in a lot of other ways, i’d be really invested in not ever accepting that they were actually dangerous and a threat.  because if i did, i might feel like then it was suddenly my choice to have these things happen.  and it is SO MUCH more scary then because then it would be like i was making bad decisions.

and i could see how i might get the freedom from making any choices from this person.  of not having to be responsible at all for anything that happens to me. for me, when something bad happens to me, i always need to know it wasn’t my fault and i wasn’t bad.  but if it’s out of my control, then it’s like okay, there’s nothing i could do.

and i guess i think it would be really hard to give that up.  to give up the lack of choice.  because that feels so much safer somehow.  it is so scary to not have someone deciding things for you.  how are you supposed to know what to do?

i guess even admitting this person was a constant threat and that i was likely to be hurt whenever i saw him would make it so i was choosing to get hurt.  and part of the whole thing that makes it worthwhile is that it isn’t my choice i don’t have to make any choices.

making choices is really scary.  choosing to protect yourself is really scary.  not to mention that you give up so much in your relationship with the person because of course it’s all mixed up.  you give up the times when they make decisions for you and take care of you and it’s actually just nice.  you give it all up.  all the safety.  and that is really scary.

even tho s*ef scared the hell out of some of us and made us feel sexually threatened all the time (not of her own doing, of course), we were really upset when she broke up with us.  we didn’t know what we would do without her.  it was oppressive to have her, but it was also safe because she was always there.  i don’t know, we dind’t have to think as much.  the familiar danger is always better than the unfamiliar.  without the person it’s like you don’t have an anchor.  like freedom of choice leaves you flying and floating around without a center, like no gravity, like falling.

i don’t know.  there is something about not having any choice, any responsibility.  it’s its own heady feeling.

and i was thinking that if you had been set up over and over and over and over and over to fail when you made your own decisions, when you did things on your own.  taught over and over that the ONLY safety is in giving up your will.  that your decisions, and ideas, and self hurt you and others.  how could you ever give up the safety?  if you’d been taught that without being in someone else’s control you would die or fail or dissappear?

if you were held responsible for your own choices, and punished severely and taunted and hurt.  if having your own will was the worst and most painful thing.  how could you choose it?

i don’t know, that’s how i’d feel.


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