sometimes i’m nervous to talk about e*in

because, i don’t know, she’s an ex and she dumped me.  but i do miss her and i miss her especially when i watch the office.  there’s this scene where jim isn’t allowed to talk cuz pam said jinx and he has to get up and tell a story in front of everyone so he pretends to cry a little so he doesn’t have to talk and pam is so impressed.  and it’s just, it’s just very something e*in would do.  like i don’t know, she liked to do things that impressed me plus she was really talented.  i don’t know.  and funny.  i really miss that.  like she made me laugh so hard.  there was this preivew for the showtime series “the tudors” on at the begining of like every episode of the l word or soemthign and it was really dramatic and had this close up on the guy’s intense expression when he yells “i’m the king of england!” and it’s really the only words in the preview and then it’s all quick clips to fighting scenes to heighten the intensity.  and we’d seen it like a million times so we didn’t really pay attention and then e*in yells “who’s the king of england?” and the guy yells “i’m the king of england!” and it was the funniest thing ever.  plus the story she told about the bus driver who angrily and repeatedly accused her of knocking the poles off the electrical line.  she was just, she was a very talented and funny performer and i miss that.  it’s true for s*ef too but there are other issues that obscure it.

the first time i realized e*in was funny was when we were all out at lunch and like she put her gum on the table between all of us and was like “i didn’t want to interrupt the conversation (and she jumps up and starts enthusiastically offering it to everyone) and say gum? gum? gum?”  it’s hard to explain, but it was very entertaining and we were like okay, i see, she is cool in this way.

also we just had so much stuff with s*ef about e*in (who granted werre consequetive and interrelated) about talking about her and still do and it’s not like i’m worried m*riad will be jealous so much as they will take it out on me in anger and blame me cuz that’s what s*ef did.  once i was in babes in toyland and this cute staffperson was flirting with me at the strap-on stand (which trust me is a RARE occurance and makes me sound like i am this cool always and while i am, that is not why) and s*ef came in and siddled up and was like there and said hi and i was so flustered i didn’t know how to handle it and include her so i kind of kept talking to the person still for a bit and then they left and s*ef was SO MAD i hadn’t introduced her as my girlfriend or included her in conversation (we were poly at the time).  she was so upset she stalked out and i had to comfort her and comfort her.  god, my life was so awful then.  before she left for italy and i hooked up with e*in i felt like i was horrible all the time.  she was so jealous and i was always trying to make up for it.  omigod it was so hard and so amazing when she left and it was just me and e*in and i wasn’t BAD anymore all the time and it was so great 2 weeks it was so great wow.

(sighs).  plus e*in and i hooked up half way thru and that was well that was a lot of things.  i don’t know.  i guess we are nostalgic.  maybe we want m*riad to be jealous so that we don’t just have to feel sad about what we lost.  hmmmmmmmmm.  feels cold in the body to say that.

i want to die it hurts in my chest.

okay, gotta get smokin for m*riads therapy appt.  wes goin with them and we is so happy and proud.  and not stressed cuz in therapy is sharon’s job take care all things not ours at all not our responsability at all. we just getta be there.


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