okay, this is a seriously embarassing entry, but i’m going to write it anyway

so m*tt was here (already you can tell this is a teenager or preteen) and we just, wow this is seriously more embarassing than i thought it would be.  it is so odd what is embarassing for us.  i guess all or almost all admissions of embarassment, guilt, and/or shame.

blah okay.  so i am supposed to write this EVEN THO it is embarassing which makes NO sense to me but people say that friends are nicer to us than we are and strangers are nicer than friends.  or more irrelevent.  they can’t hurt you in the same way.  there’s nothing to lose.

wow we are really avoiding here, huh?  yep.  okay.  so.  ok.  so.  ok, i am just going to write this okay?  i’m just going to write it and you’re going to read it and that will be the end of it all.

i got a ps2 today w/ controllers and all for $60 on cl and it has it’s own screen but we can’t play that yet but can on the tv and we love it ist is for thhe kids if not the littles and wes are the good ones at it

we feel very alone.  unloved by those we love and scared of those that love us.  that is a pretty good sum up of how it is.

wow.  this is really embarassing.  okay.  okay.  okay.  people say it will be nicer after we write it

okay i marked it private and people calmed down and we’ll unmark it later if we have to.

we think m*tt has fallen out of love with us and thinks we are clingy (someone i think a little mispronounced it as kinky and i think he more knows that than thinks it tho i guess both are true).  we feel like we depend on him too much.  that he is too much of our world but we have serious fears getting in the way of seeing other people.  it is ridiculous how sexually threatened we are by like everybody sometimes.  and we just never know when it’s going to happen so we hide away.  we actually make a specific effort to usually be in groups of 3 or more because that feels much less threatening.  which i know makes us awful and horrible and a total bitch but whatever what do i care?

we try very hard to always be at least the minimum appropriate amount of graciousness.

okay, this is privated so we can say anything we want.  anything.  so m*tt’s lip or rather inside is in major pain and he even told us that and we (smiles just remembering this) totally forgot probably cuz borderlines came out or switched maybe during an office episode.

but we just.  wow this is super embarassing.  i don’t know why.  even on private.  people like keep checking to make sure it’s private.  worthless bitch.

we just we felt a little like he was an older guy like he was all cool and we were just all eager to spend any time with him at all and it is so wierd because it’s like not what was going on before it really is like entering a scene.  buffy actually does an episode that illustrates that feeling really well.  like how you can suddenly be like in a scene with someone and it’s real but everything has changed.

i don’t know.  i am trying not to say bad things and mess it up with m*riad and so they leave us cuz they don’t love us anymore and is tired of us.

and like even tho rationally we get that things are totally different to us it feels like rejection like they are tierd of us even if given our own thought swe’d prefer to be alone too that is the craziness of it.

but like before they were leaving they kept stopping a bit and talking then moving a bit and i’d move  bit towards the door and they sat by the door for a bit (god i am so stupid)  and it felt *wow this is embarassing* like a date or something like awkward or nervous or like the energy of like when you don’t know someone that well and you can like keep getting sucked into conversation when you’re like walking out the door i don’t know i am such a loser i am such a complete loser i am such a loser i am such a complete loser whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever

aren’t my hang-ups wierd?  i think they’re wierd.

maybe we just have a response to someone wanting to leave that we want them to stay and feel rejected.  maybe that’s the trigger like when they said they could watch one more episode than that’s it and i bet that triggered it then we WANT them to stay it is so stupid we are so stupid i hate us i hate us i want to beat us about the head i hate us

we are so stupid to want that to want more than people can give to think about m*riad so much i bet they don’t think about us nearly as much and we are bad to write ALL OF THIS we are so bad and worthless and worthless and worthless and worthless and worthless and worthless and pathetic and clingy and overeager

overeager is bad. clingy is bad.  can’t ever be too much want to much it is embarasing it is so embarasing. i want to die it is so embarasing it is so embarasing how can we write these things where people will read them there is something wrong with us we are bad bad bad people we are so bad and worthless and hateable and worthless and hareable and worthless and hateable and worthless and hateable and worthless and hateable i am hateable and worthless and hateable even tho rationally we know that is not how it is we can’t change how we feel we is so bad and pathetic i want to die we is so pathertic i want to die we is pathetic i want to die we is so pathetic we is we is iwant to die i want to die body is tensing head hurting all day neck back body hurts tired headache spreads to front so much tension want to die i do i do i do i do i do help help help help

sometimes it feels like the only thing i need is for m*riad to love me and everything will be okay and that is the most shameful of all.  and blah blah they do so clearly that is a fallacy but whatever that is how it feels and i don’t care i know i’m bad and worthless and a bitch and pathetic and horrible and should die but i said it anyway because i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me i am me


ummm, so maybe someone inside said that

people were after us and going to hurt us.  then we yawned (which seems to mean that we have connected with someone inside, i think of it as a  bit of a tension release).  actually, well, we asked if that was really what they were thinking (like really?) and we got the yawn and what pretty much seemed to be a yes.  so that’s odd.  but at least we acknowledged it, even tho it seems crazy to say.  like we are pretending there is dramatic stuff going on for us.  glamorizing.  i don’ know.  but i wonder if that’s why i can’t sleep.

my mom would have loved that.  that is exactly her kind of word game.

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